Is it wrong to want a reply from him after a break-up?

February 10, 2015

I'm the only one trying to make the situation better. But I'm not asking for much, just a single text a day or a single reply to a simple text or for him to follow through with his promise on calling me at night atleast every couple days. I just feel like i'm forcing him to try when he doesn't care to make it work, thats all.

You didnt answer the question, just gave a very vague "I am the only one trying", and constantly bringing up the need for a text/communication is not making the situation better, it is just constantly voicing your own needs aka nagging.

I will ask again, what are you doing specifically to make the situation better, not just for yourself, but for him also given he has what seems to be a very demanding job?

February 10, 2015

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about you, jess.

I just need to move on and leave him, don't I? These are all red flags that I should be taking to run from him.

February 10, 2015

I've been thinking of breaking it off, but I've been just waiting to see if he pulls through for sunday on when we spend Valentines day together. If he does not, then i'll know my worth to him making time for me.

So getting flowers/chocolates and a nice dinner is going to give you the answer you are looking for? No it won't. Kinda sad that he is going to be judged on how Valentine's Day goes to make your decision.

February 10, 2015

Why is this relationship all about you? You know there's a second person involved. And he's a lot more mature and has responsibilities and you don't even comprehend that.

February 10, 2015

Honestly, I think people are being a bit too harsh on you by calling you needy. You don't come across as needy to me. You're not whining because he isn't texting you x number of times per hour, you just need more than one or two messages a day, canceled dates, to feel like this is going somewhere, which is expected!

The 'busy' crap is a cop out. If he's gotta be near his phone all day and night for clients then he can get away with firing off a text or two. When he uses the toilet, he can send a text. When he's almost ready for bed he can give you a quick call, however tired he is. It's just an excuse. I worked 70+ hours for two years and saw those two years spark off two new relationship. I guarantee you, even if I had to ask the guy to fit into my schedule at times rather than the other way around, neither were in any doubt as to my interest level, and I still managed to make them feel like I was into them even if I was often at work.

You make time for the people you care about. However, whatever the reason for his inability to put much effort into this new relationship, he is either unwilling or unable to show you enough interest to satisfy you, and you're clearly unhappy. I wouldn't even bother waiting until Valentine's Day, it's just one day, he canceled on you already, and even if he comes through and spends time with you on the day (which you had to actually end things with him to get him to agree to) the subsequent weeks aren't going to be magically any better.

You're not a fit... maybe he'd be more demonstrative with a girl he liked more, maybe he's just like this with all relationships, but if it doesn't make you happy it doesn't make you happy, and I wouldn't be able to maintain interest in a man who was not contacting me for whole days at a time either. Have enough confidence in yourself to move on. And don't bother trying to demand more and hoping he will come through, you're not destined for happiness if you have to 'demand' for him to do simple things you've openly asked him for, like send you a few texts each day (I don't even see you asking for it to be midday necessarily, you just want more than a 'good morning' and an occasional 'goodnight').

February 10, 2015

You didnt answer the question, just gave a very vague "I am the only one trying", and constantly bringing up the need for a text/communication is not making the situation better, it is just constantly voicing your own needs aka nagging.

I will ask again, what are you doing specifically to make the situation better, not just for yourself, but for him also given he has what seems to be a very demanding job?

I can't do much, he's busy with his job to make the situation better. But when he has the day off on sundays, I go see him. He doesn't own a car so I go out of my way to go see him. He's only came down to see me once...

February 10, 2015

I can't do much, he's busy with his job to make the situation better. But when he has the day off on sundays, I go see him. He doesn't own a car so I go out of my way to go see him. He's only came down to see me once...

This just confirms what I said a few minutes ago about him not being particularly into you enough to make the effort. He has only been to see you once, you are the one doing all of the legwork to go and see him when it should be more 50/50. If his lack of communication wasn't enough, the fact that on his days off he's leaving all of the effort up to you to go and see him just confirms my suspicion. You're making the relationship very very easy for him and yet he's still falling short when it comes to putting effort in.

February 10, 2015

I can't do much, he's busy with his job to make the situation better. But when he has the day off on sundays, I go see him. He doesn't own a car so I go out of my way to go see him. He's only came down to see me once...

This is just one LDR that should have been passed up on. No one is getting any benefit from it.

February 10, 2015

This just confirms what I said a few minutes ago about him not being particularly into you enough to make the effort. He has only been to see you once, you are the one doing all of the legwork to go and see him when it should be more 50/50. If his lack of communication wasn't enough, the fact that on his days off he's leaving all of the effort up to you to go and see him just confirms my suspicion. You're making the relationship very very easy for him and yet he's still falling short when it comes to putting effort in.

I've realized that I need to move on, I'm only happy when I'm with him, and the second I'm not, I'm upset. He isn't filling my needs, i'm not getting any benefit of this relationship, I'm getting nothing in return. I don't even know how to end it with him without saying what i've already said to him about the communication and effort. It just goes in one ear and out the other. I've been wanting to just ignore him when he finally texts me, but I've been thinking that would be low of me to do since I'm too nice to do that.

February 10, 2015

If you want to break up with him, do that.

I understand that you want a text or two per day & you are not getting that. Depending on how long you have been together, that may not be too much to ask. Long before cel phones when I was growing up, my mom was a SAHM & my dad called her every day on his lunch break. Personally I rarely talk to DH during the day. He sent me a text today but that it's the 1st time probably this year that we communicated during the day. Our schedules don't mesh so trying to connect is more of p.i.t.a.

The idea that you are happy when you are with your BF, but as soon as you are apart you are unhappy again, tells me the problem is yours, not his. You are trying to find external validation for some reason but that never works. You have to be happy on your own.

February 10, 2015

If you want to break up with him, do that.

I understand that you want a text or two per day & you are not getting that. Depending on how long you have been together, that may not be too much to ask. Long before cel phones when I was growing up, my mom was a SAHM & my dad called her every day on his lunch break. Personally I rarely talk to DH during the day. He sent me a text today but that it's the 1st time probably this year that we communicated during the day. Our schedules don't mesh so trying to connect is more of p.i.t.a.

The idea that you are happy when you are with your BF, but as soon as you are apart you are unhappy again, tells me the problem is yours, not his. You are trying to find external validation for some reason but that never works. You have to be happy on your own.

It's not that I'm not happy apart, it's just that he makes me feel unwanted when we're apart by not contacting me that much as I'd like. We only see each other on weekends (sometimes every other weekend) so communication would be key. Even if it were just a few texts a day, i'd be happy with knowing I was on his mind.

February 10, 2015

I've realized that I need to move on, I'm only happy when I'm with him, and the second I'm not, I'm upset.

If you can't be happy all on your own of your own volition, then there is no man on the planet who will be able to do that for you. You really should talk to a therapist about the void you have where you can't tolerate your own company without the distraction of some man.

He isn't filling my needs, i'm not getting any benefit of this relationship, I'm getting nothing in return.

Your needs are yours to look to after a certain point. He may not want to be your only source of entertainment and distraction. He may find you boring to be with because you live for seeing/hearing from him. That's a huge burden to place on someone who may not necessarily want it.

I don't even know how to end it with him without saying what i've already said to him about the communication and effort. It just goes in one ear and out the other. I've been wanting to just ignore him when he finally texts me, but I've been thinking that would be low of me to do since I'm too nice to do that.

No, make a conscious decision to break things off with him since you're not getting out of this what you want. And don't look for another relationship until you've got the "needs met" thing addressed and resolved within you because as I said, you are going to be hard pressed to find someone who wants the sole responsibility of doing that unless they're not completely in balance themselves.

February 10, 2015

I've realized that I need to move on, I'm only happy when I'm with him, and the second I'm not, I'm upset. He isn't filling my needs, i'm not getting any benefit of this relationship, I'm getting nothing in return. I don't even know how to end it with him without saying what i've already said to him about the communication and effort. It just goes in one ear and out the other. I've been wanting to just ignore him when he finally texts me, but I've been thinking that would be low of me to do since I'm too nice to do that.

You don't have to justify your reasons for him. He already knows things aren't peachy, you already split up once. That feeling of being happy when you're with him and miserable as soon as you're not is probably THE most classic sign that you're not right for each other. In good relationships I've been happy while with and without the guy, unless I had something else specific getting be down. In bad relationships I had a short term sense of relief while around them, and as soon as they'd gone, I was down, anxious, waiting to hear from them again. That sense of anxiety tends to come from not having your needs met.

Just give him a text and let him know 'I'm sorry but this isn't working for me and I think we need to move on and meet other people who we are more compatible with. All the best for the future' and then block him. He'll know why. Don't keep him unblocked because you're only risking getting dragged into a long conversation about it all, he might try persuade you he'll do what you need when you both know he can't, and it just drags it out.

February 10, 2015

It's not that I'm not happy apart, it's just that he makes me feel unwanted when we're apart by not contacting me that much as I'd like. We only see each other on weekends (sometimes every other weekend) so communication would be key. Even if it were just a few texts a day, i'd be happy with knowing I was on his mind.

I again disagree with the people who've picked up on your 'happy with him, miserable when he's gone' statement and took it to mean that the problem is with you, not him.

Do you feel this way with every boyfriend? If so, then yes there may be some issues you need to sort out yourself. But I'm reading it that it's this man in particular who makes you feel that way, and I've been there myself. With an ex of mine, he always gave me just enough attention to keep me with him, but never really enough to make me feel secure in our relationship. It means that I was constantly going through ups and downs, based on how he was treating me. When he was giving me attention, and we were together, I was really happy. But once he left, I would go down because I knew that he might be sporadic contact again, or I'd be anxious waiting for him to make plans to see each other, as it was usually me that would organise seeing one another. I vividly remember sometimes texting to see if he wanted to hang out on a certain day and feeling edgy until I got a response back, because I was never sure if he was going to agree to it or not.

In comparison, with a man who left me in no doubt as to his interest level, I got NONE of that. I didn't feel bummed out when he left, because I felt calm and secure that I'd hear from him again soon. I didn't feel sad when I didn't see them for a few days because I knew it wouldn't change how they felt about me. I didn't get antsy when I asked them to hang out because I knew the answer would be either 'yes' or 'no, but are you free *day* instead?'

I don't think you have a problem with yourself right now, I think this guy is just giving you scraps and it's making you insecure and bummed out. When you're with him it's temporary relief because you enjoy his company and you're getting your needs met, but as soon as he leaves your past experiences have taught you that you will feel worthless and you don't know when you're going to see or hear from him again. That's kinda normal.

February 10, 2015

I again disagree with the people who've picked up on your 'happy with him, miserable when he's gone' statement and took it to mean that the problem is with you, not him.

Do you feel this way with every boyfriend? If so, then yes there may be some issues you need to sort out yourself. But I'm reading it that it's this man in particular who makes you feel that way, and I've been there myself. With an ex of mine, he always gave me just enough attention to keep me with him, but never really enough to make me feel secure in our relationship. It means that I was constantly going through ups and downs, based on how he was treating me. When he was giving me attention, and we were together, I was really happy. But once he left, I would go down because I knew that he might be sporadic contact again, or I'd be anxious waiting for him to make plans to see each other, as it was usually me that would organise seeing one another. I vividly remember sometimes texting to see if he wanted to hang out on a certain day and feeling edgy until I got a response back, because I was never sure if he was going to agree to it or not.

In comparison, with a man who left me in no doubt as to his interest level, I got NONE of that. I didn't feel bummed out when he left, because I felt calm and secure that I'd hear from him again soon. I didn't feel sad when I didn't see them for a few days because I knew it wouldn't change how they felt about me. I didn't get antsy when I asked them to hang out because I knew the answer would be either 'yes' or 'no, but are you free *day* instead?'

I don't think you have a problem with yourself right now, I think this guy is just giving you scraps and it's making you insecure and bummed out. When you're with him it's temporary relief because you enjoy his company and you're getting your needs met, but as soon as he leaves your past experiences have taught you that you will feel worthless and you don't know when you're going to see or hear from him again. That's kinda normal.

You described my relationship perfectly with your ex. He only puts in effort when he knows that theres a chance he may be losing me. But once he knows he has me, he just stops putting in the effort. It's just enough effort to keep me in the relationship, but never enough to feel secure, like you said. He just seems toxic to my life, and poisoning my heart it seems. Feeding me more words and words so I stay with him.

February 10, 2015

He's wishy washy, he won't make time for you but he will for other things (outside of his work). Move on.

February 10, 2015

You described my relationship perfectly with your ex. He only puts in effort when he knows that theres a chance he may be losing me. But once he knows he has me, he just stops putting in the effort. It's just enough effort to keep me in the relationship, but never enough to feel secure, like you said. He just seems toxic to my life, and poisoning my heart it seems. Feeding me more words and words so I stay with him.

Yep, this kind of thing is indeed toxic. Honestly, I used to find my entire life's happiness was resting on how my ex was treating me. He wasn't trying to be manipulative, he just genuinely cared less about me than I did him. So it kept me constantly worrying, wondering, making the effort to try and get him to be more into me... I mean, I wanted to move in after a year or two, he wasn't ready until we'd been together four years. In comparison, with my current relationship, he was always asking when he could see me again, taking me out, texting me regularly, initiating staying over regularly, and within six months we'd moved in together, primarily through his initiation. With this relationship I've never once felt my happiness rest on being around him or not because I know that he's consistently into me, whether we're in the same room or not, and I know that if I don't text him when we're away from each other he'll text me, it's just so easy.

Your guy probably isn't even being nasty on purpose, he's probably not trying to hurt you, or to manipulate you. He just genuinely isn't that into you. He probably has a nice time around you, and doesn't particularly wanna go out of his way to hurt you, hence not being able to just end it. He just cares about you less than you care about him unfortunately and nothing in the world can change that. While this is killing you, it's barely registering on his radar. It's never gonna get any better, even if he has short term stints of making an effort.

February 10, 2015

If you're unhappy, then you can break it off. Although I agree with the posters that say you're being a bit needy for a relationship of only three months.

It sounds like he likes you and is trying his best to make you happy but is probably getting the feeling that you will never be happy with him. That's only going to make him want to contact you less and less. I've been in his shoes and it sucks for both people. Sometimes it feels that the more you give the more they expect. When you get that daily text, what's next in your mind?

If you like the guy and want to continue I think you need to loosen up your requests of his time. It's frustrating to have to be obligated to text or call someone on a daily basis, especially after only three months. He's probably already getting a sense of nagging from you.

This is not going to work out until you can both compromise a bit. You need to tell him how you feel when you don't hear from him daily and see what he does. Personally, I'd be annoyed by that request after only three months of dating.

February 10, 2015

Yep, this kind of thing is indeed toxic. Honestly, I used to find my entire life's happiness was resting on how my ex was treating me. He wasn't trying to be manipulative, he just genuinely cared less about me than I did him. So it kept me constantly worrying, wondering, making the effort to try and get him to be more into me... I mean, I wanted to move in after a year or two, he wasn't ready until we'd been together four years. In comparison, with my current relationship, he was always asking when he could see me again, taking me out, texting me regularly, initiating staying over regularly, and within six months we'd moved in together, primarily through his initiation. With this relationship I've never once felt my happiness rest on being around him or not because I know that he's consistently into me, whether we're in the same room or not, and I know that if I don't text him when we're away from each other he'll text me, it's just so easy.

Your guy probably isn't even being nasty on purpose, he's probably not trying to hurt you, or to manipulate you. He just genuinely isn't that into you. He probably has a nice time around you, and doesn't particularly wanna go out of his way to hurt you, hence not being able to just end it. He just cares about you less than you care about him unfortunately and nothing in the world can change that. While this is killing you, it's barely registering on his radar. It's never gonna get any better, even if he has short term stints of making an effort.

It always bothers me when someone starts using the "he's just not into you" line because two people have different communication needs. He could very well be into her but he sounds honestly busy. People get busy and don't always have time for every aspect of their lives. This is not a "toxic" relationship. It sounds like he cares but is having trouble balancing his life right now. It happens, it's not just an excuse because someone is "not that into you".

It's unfortunate some people blow what could be a good thing because they are always demanding more from the other person.

February 10, 2015

It always bothers me when someone starts using the "he's just not into you" line because two people have different communication needs. He could very well be into her but he sounds honestly busy. People get busy and don't always have time for every aspect of their lives. This is not a "toxic" relationship. It sounds like he cares but is having trouble balancing his life right now. It happens, it's not just an excuse because someone is "not that into you".

It's unfortunate some people blow what could be a good thing because they are always demanding more from the other person.

I didn't mean it's a toxic relationship, or he's a toxic person... just that this kind of emotional imbalance between two partners is indeed toxic to the party who isn't getting their needs met. I do think on this board posters often jump to call someone an abuser, a sociopath, and other things, but I stand by the assertion that this dynamic is toxic for her happiness.

If you'd read one of my earlier posts, I explained that for a couple years I worked 70+ hour shifts, once I remember working 45 hours in a 63 hour period. But despite having to juggle a full time work placement, a Masters thesis, voluntary work, 30 hours a week delivering pizzas and a social life, I still dated and when I found someone I liked, I made the effort to get in touch with them, I texted and called them when I was unable to see them, and made sure they always knew when I was next free to hang out. A day didn't go by without at least some contact throughout the day. I maintain if you like somebody enough you WILL make time to make them feel wanted, even if all you can do is texts/calls at that time.

I don't get the sense this guy cares that much, maybe a little, but not enough for this to work out. The OP is already unhappy, she's tried to stop caring and tried to make herself be okay with the lack of contact but it isn't working, she can't magically force herself to be satisfied with this level of contact after a few months of dating. She's not even suffering silently, she's told him outright what she needs to feel better about the relationship and he still can't/won't deliver.

I've personally done the long-term be patient thing before, and it left me anxious and miserable for the majority of the four years. Looking back now I'm older and wiser I'd tell my younger self if you feel that way by the end of the first six months/year, it's NEVER going to get any better and to move on, because there are so many other people out there who are able to make you happier than this. Having moved on from that to relationships with guys who were head over heels with me and were willing to make any effort necessary to date me and get me into an exclusive relationship with them, I would always hold out for something more on that level than settle for something that left me feeling edgy, upset and anxious because I was more into him than he was me.

Say he IS absolutely crazy about her, likes her loads and wants to be with her... she still wouldn't be happy, just because he liked her, unless he was meeting her needs for contact and communication, and she isn't asking for much. They're not compatible and it's making her unhappy, they've been dating a few months, she would be a fool to sit around chewing her tongue and trying not to pressure him while he does whatever he needs to make himself happy in his own life, when she could be free to meet someone else who wants what she wants and is willing to put the effort in that's necessary in a new relationship. I could understand it if she was complaining because he wasn't sleeping over every single night or wasn't texting at least once per hour but she isn't looking for much, just some more communication each day, a handful of texts would be an improvement and he can't/won't even manage that.

Edited February 10, 2015 by acrosstheuniverse

February 11, 2015

I sent him this message and ended it: what do you guys think?

If you don't have the decency to text me back, or show any sign to making this work, then you don't deserve someone like me that cares about you and supports you and loves you. It took courage to realize that you were only pulling me out of the darkness halfway. I deserve better. I don't deserve someone who doesn't ask me how I am, texts me back or calls me back, I should be getting as much love as I'm giving out. I wasn't asking for much .. Just a text each day to know I was on your mind, but you made me feel like I was asking for so much from you when all I wanted was for you give a **** and put in effort. I don't need to love someone that makes me feel bad about myself. You've changed .. You said you wouldn't let this job change you but it did and I watched it as you lied more and more to me. But that's business right? Saying words and words to persuade the other from leaving or getting what they want. You were right, talking to me was like working for oeg, always feeding me lie after lie to keep me wrapped around your finger, but I caught on finally. You don't love me or care about me .. You never did and I'm sorry to myself at how long it took me to realize this because I wanted you badly in my life and didn't want to believe it. Call me crazy all you want but before you do, realize that I was the one women who cares about you and was with you at your lowest and supported you to who you are now and would have kept on if you didn't get selfish. So, I'll continue to wish you the best, because that's the women I am, but I cant continue to be in your life anymore as one of your customers. Goodbye Brandon.

February 11, 2015

bump, help

February 11, 2015

I believe in breaking off long term relationships in person. I would never forgive somebody who failed to give me this courtesy.

You said your piece. You broke up with him. What else is there? He isn't going to come crawling back begging you for forgiveness.

February 11, 2015

I believe in breaking off long term relationships in person. I would never forgive somebody who failed to give me this courtesy.

You said your piece. You broke up with him. What else is there? He isn't going to come crawling back begging you for forgiveness.

he's been ignoring all my text messages, so how could i ever in person or even on the phone? he's the one who's been doing the cheap way out and ignoring me and wanting me to do it it feels. he just doesn't want to come off as the one hurting me and annunciating the break-up.

Edited February 11, 2015 by jessgirl23

February 11, 2015

You drive over there & knock on the door.

Hey, that's just me. I'm old fashioned.

You did what you thought was best for you. What difference does it make if I disagree with your delivery method? You asked me what I thought. I told you. The fact that you didn't like what I said doesn't make what you did wrong for you. It just makes my opinion & methods different then yours.

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