jessgirl23 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Been seeing/in a relationship with a guy since about November. Recently, he has a new job that he works all day until around 10 at night. Almost has to keep in contact with clients and having to call them and such. The past two weekends, we have made it work and have visited each other for a day/night. Last week, he said he had to be more focused this week, so he didn't text me as much and would just send me a text in the morning and then reply and then ignore my text until 10 at night and then reply and then fall asleep or was too tired to reply. (says goodnight some nights) He then apologizes in the morning and then just repeats what he does. I get he can't text at work, but he could atleast call or send a text during and say hes thinking of me or something around work to make me feel special. On sunday, I told him to call me since he was supposed to come down on Monday to visit me, so he did. We talked and then he said that he was going to be away for valentines day and won't be back from his work week until the 15th. (We had promised to spend it together, I even booked it off) I then continued on and said that I felt this was too hard. He was silent, and then said that he doesn't want to break up and wanted to work it out and said that he tries to make time for me in the mornings (which feel like he doesn't), and then says that he reads my texts and it brightens and makes his day but he can't reply to them since he's working and will get in trouble. I then agreed to working it out on the phone and we ended the phone well. He was supposed to text me in the morning saying if he was coming or not but he didn't. The weather was bad so he didnt. He didn't even say sorry or anything, just pretended like everything was fine. We wouldn't be seeing each other until the weekend after valentines day and he just lives an hour away. His dad usually drives him up to see me. Just our schedules are clashing and making it hard for us to see each other. I feel like he's too busy for a relationship, that he just needs to just focus on his career. He then said that he could come down the week before valentines day but It wouldn't work out since I worked that weekend. I then told him that I couldn't, and then that i felt dumb for booking valentines day off since he worked it now. He ignored my text. So then i ended up texting him after waiting 6 hours for a reply and said that ;;; that this was too hard for me .. maybe not for him.. but it was for me He then didn't reply..... Could it be that he was too mad to reply or that he legit didn't care of it ending? When I said it on the phone he was quiet ... but during text, he didn't reply or say anything at all. Texted him the next day and asked if he could at least say something ... that i wanted him to respect my decision and understand where im coming from with it. to please understand... and he never replied again. Next day, I sent a nice long message of how much he means to me and how i've been lucky to have him in my life and that i don't want to lose him and still want to call him my friend. if he could answer to that, and he didn't again .. I'm at the point of giving up I just want him to atleast say something but he wont ... I want to try calling him tonight and see maybe if he'll answer my call, but I don't want to look crazy .. help
d0nnivain Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 He has a new job that takes up a lot of his time. You are demanding more attention then he has time to give. These issues are part of the transition from school with a lot of free time to life with no free time. Unless you can truly embrace the idea that things come up, this relationship may not be for you. 2
pursuitofhappiness Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 The silence says a lot. I know many people who work or go to school and are very busy, but they always make time for one another. Especially the long distance ones who call each other every day. When he stays silent, I get the feeling it might be because you've said how things really are, but he's afraid if he admits it that it'll hurt you. Honestly, if he truly wanted to be with you, he wouldn't just let you slip away like that. You seem like a very dedicated gf and deserve a bf that offers the same to you. If you want to keep trying with him, I can only warn you that it would most likely be almost all effort from you and almost none from him. I hope everything works out for the best for you. 1
Satu Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Mr Unavailable is unavailable. Not because he's a bad person. He just has different priorities. 3
PinkCarnations Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 You made your decision now stick with it. All that texting after the break up is too much. You just gave him power over the relationship even though you're the one who took control of the situation by deciding to end things. At this point, I'm pretty sure he knows you still want his attention and is not replying on purpose - he wants to show you what life is like without his attention at all and u shoulda just been happy with the scrap he did give u. Anyways I can see how you feel and I can also see how he'd like you to be understanding of his work situation, but regarding this specific instance, I say stop contact immediately. be firm with your decision. 3
preraph Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 He's got a job now that isn't going to allow him to contact you all the time. It's terrible that he is skipping Valentine's but it would be worse if he quit a new job to take you out on Valentine's. He can't concentrate on you right now. He's busy and you need to give him all the space he needs and not contact him unless he has contacted you back. And you need to go out with friends so you're not just sitting around feeling resentful all the time. 3
mightycpa Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 So, to recap, your boyfriend got a demanding job, and instead of supporting him and encouraging him to make a good impression and do well, you want him to take time out and make you feel special (your words) There's nothing special about a girl who demands that her boyfriend makes her his first priority, even in the face of other important things in his life. You can find that in girls without looking too hard. He's beginning to figure that out, and that accounts for his silence. 5
Author jessgirl23 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 I then called him and he apologized for not replying because he was mad and such, he agreed to making it work and making time for me and calling me more often before bed atleast and spending valentines day together on the sunday and going out and getting all dressed up and having wine, etc. The next day i told him to call me that night, he ended up calling me drunk and saying he loved me and wanted me to hold on and that things were going to get better, and all this sappy stuff. I then texted him the next day and asked if i could come over and visit just for the night and if we could go out to the movies, and we did. he paid and held the door open for me. We then got back and i brought up the phone call, if he remembered it and he then said; yes jess, i really love you and said that hes never felt like this about someone before and apologized for not saying it enough. He said he remembered the first time he saw me and remembered EXACTLY what i was wearing, and how i had just got done my hair and such. The night was perfect. Next day (day off he had) he texted me the whole day and night, and then texted me in the morning saying good morning babe before work, nothing after i replied. nothing after work was done either. i then texted him at night and said ; hope you had a good day at work babe nothing .... not even a text in the morning saying good morning or a sorry that he was busy or nothing.. I just feel like he isn't keeping his promises at making this work .. hes not trying... I'm only trying .. Help! what do i do?
mightycpa Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Help! what do i do? Keep demanding more and more until he thinks it is his idea to break up. 2
Author jessgirl23 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 you're saying that if i keep demanding more he's going to be the one breaking up this time because of my needs?
mightycpa Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 you're saying that if i keep demanding more he's going to be the one breaking up this time because of my needs? Yes. You have lots of things that don't bode well: 1) LDR 2) Young 3) New demanding job 4) Young dissatisfied girlfriend I can't remember the last time I read a story like this where the couple ended up married and living happily ever after; probably because I've never read that story. Instead, that story usually goes something like this: They go through a lot of trauma until one of them decides that enough is enough. Then the other one cries into his/her beer, and wonders what went wrong. 3
Zahara Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I think you already know the answer to your dilemma.
stillafool Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Next day (day off he had) he texted me the whole day and night, and then texted me in the morning saying good morning babe before work, nothing after i replied. nothing after work was done either. i then texted him at night and said ; hope you had a good day at work babe nothing .... not even a text in the morning saying good morning or a sorry that he was busy or nothing.. I just feel like he isn't keeping his promises at making this work .. hes not trying... I'm only trying .. Help! what do i do? You are coming off as extremely needy and high maintenance. I don't know if this guy can even do enough to make you happy. Maybe strap you to his hip? What do you have going on in your life separate from him?
Author jessgirl23 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 I wouldn't say I'm needy at all. I just would like just one txt during the day saying some sign of affection saying to have a good day or something. but instead, I get nothing and get ignored for sending one nice text to him once a day...
mightycpa Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 So you want a sign of affection, and instead you get ignored. Would you respond to those texts? Would he have to respond to your responses? Where does it end? I can't imagine you don't know what to do about this. Why not find a nice local guy who can give you the attention you need, and let your LD boyfriend find a local girl that he can ignore until he's ready to go out? Seems like a WIN-WIN to me. 1
Zahara Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I wouldn't say I'm needy at all. I just would like just one txt during the day saying some sign of affection saying to have a good day or something. but instead, I get nothing and get ignored for sending one nice text to him once a day... Understandable. Perfectly simple thing to do because a text doesn't take but a few seconds. Hardly a burden when you are into someone, especially someone you claim to love. Infact you look forward to it and you want to reach out and stay in contact. Busy is never an excuse. It's a cop out. The thing is, you keep wanting him to be this person but he can't, won't, whatever the case maybe. You have expectations and he cannot fulfill them. This is an LDR and these types of relationships are difficult to sustain. Even worse when communication becomes an issue. So, you either deal with the fact that this is how he is in a LDR relationship or you move on and be with someone that can maintain and reciprocate your needs. 1
PinkCarnations Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Nagging never works. When he pulls away, you pull away further. Try it. Sounds passive aggressive but definitely works in my experience. Also being busy yourself helps.
mightycpa Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Oh, and lest we lose sight of the timing of this thread: after a break-up? The answer is YES. It is totally wrong to expect anything then. 1
kendahke Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 you're saying that if i keep demanding more he's going to be the one breaking up this time because of my needs? No, you're saying it. Given the choice between his livelihood and you, he's choosing his livelihood. No one likes dealing with a needy person unless there is already something wrong with them that draws them to needy people. What is so lacking in your life that you can't live without constant texting/calling from him? Why did you choose to throw in with someone who is basically unavailable to you? 3 months in and things are like this doesn't bode very well for a successful outcome. 1
Author jessgirl23 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 (edited) I am busy with my life and don't need to be constantly texting him, but I would just appreciate a text or two a day, thats it. i shouldn't feel constantly unwanted when he's "busy" with work. One text isn't hard to send. It's the fact that he doesn't make an effort to text me after work or before to say something ... Edited February 10, 2015 by jessgirl23
mightycpa Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Would it be wrong to just end it by ignoring him and giving him a taste of his own medicine? or do I officially end it over a phone call and leave it at that? Never leave for tomorrow what can be done today. If I may: Roscoe, I think we need to see other people. LDR doesn't seem to be working for me. I know we like each other a lot, and that would probably be fine if we were together more, but we're not. I'm not getting enough out of this, and I don't want to convince you to act the way I want you to act. I want you to act that way all by yourself, but I don't see it. It was fun while it lasted. You're a great boyfriend, and I'm glad I spent the time. Speaking of time, I'm going to need some time to let my emotions settle down, so I'd appreciate it a lot if you could just lay low for a while, and I'll get back to you when I'm emotionally ready. although I thought you said you were already broken up... so I don't know. But if you don't want to hear from him again (the purpose of breaking up) then you should say so. 1
Author jessgirl23 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 I've been thinking of breaking it off, but I've been just waiting to see if he pulls through for sunday on when we spend Valentines day together. If he does not, then i'll know my worth to him making time for me.
contact1 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 You said he can not text at work, but want him to text you daily, or respond to your text. If I got a text earlier in the day and couldn't respond to it for several hours, it is very likely I would forget about it, or be so tired from work that all I want to do is go to bed, not have to meet someone's daily quota of need of attention. Let me ask this, what are you doing to help make the situation better? Because honestly, all your posts so far reek of "me me me", what I need, what I am not getting, how are you making it easier on him given his new job, besides making him feel bad and guilty about the whole thing?
Author jessgirl23 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 You said he can not text at work, but want him to text you daily, or respond to your text. If I got a text earlier in the day and couldn't respond to it for several hours, it is very likely I would forget about it, or be so tired from work that all I want to do is go to bed, not have to meet someone's daily quota of need of attention. Let me ask this, what are you doing to help make the situation better? Because honestly, all your posts so far reek of "me me me", what I need, what I am not getting, how are you making it easier on him given his new job, besides making him feel bad and guilty about the whole thing? I'm the only one trying to make the situation better. But I'm not asking for much, just a single text a day or a single reply to a simple text or for him to follow through with his promise on calling me at night atleast every couple days. I just feel like i'm forcing him to try when he doesn't care to make it work, thats all.
mightycpa Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about you, jess. 1
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