sothisisit2 Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I am in a very rocky relationship with a man who was about to propose to me. He's divorced -- I've never been married but have a daughter - with my previous boyfriend. My current boyfriend had planned a big cruise vacation and asked me to go a couple of months ago -- and I understand now that he was going to propose there. Well, the weekend before the trip - I got worried about leaving my daughter who was sick -- and I told my BF I was unable to go. He dumped me for not going because he said he thought I was lying. He got angry and blocked me on FB etc and started saying on FB that he has been betrayed etc. He took that down fast after I heard about it -- but, then we started to reconcile. He stayed out of town and we talked via phone the whole week. We fought a lot because he was so angry I chose to stay in town then come with him and his friends. Well - I was just on our computer and I saw his text messages come in (they are on his computer). I saw the old alerts from last week. He was telling his friends via text that he thought I was lying about why I stayed back - that he broke it off with me -- that he thinks I am cheating on him. He also told them that I was BEGGING to come on the trip (after he already left) and I was offering to PAY MY OWN WAY to come and he was going to allow me to do this -- and he would "judge" my behavior and see if I was "worthy" of his engagement. Then -- I saw conversations with his mother and his sisters who were bad mouthing me -- and praising him for breaking it off with me. And his mother was saying his obsession with me is "sick" and she thinks I'm crazy. And that I'm "killing him". AND he had a couple of women who saw the info on FB -- praising his decision to leave me (they don't know me) and saying they can't wait to party with him again. He confided in one of them and told her that he hired a Private investigator to follow me -- When I confronted him about all of this -- he said that he corrected it all and told them that he was wrong about me -- and that his proof will be in marrying me..... SO now -- I wonder -- can I forgive this? I feel like ALL of his friends see me as this horrible monster and nothing could be further from the truth. I was just worried about my daughter... and then I see all this.
Frank2thepoint Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 You had a legitimate reason for possibly not wanting to go on a trip because your daughter was sick. He should have understood this, instead of over-reacting. I don't think you should marry him if he even proposes, nor should you continue the relationship at all. He sounds very unstable and controlling. 1
Author sothisisit2 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 He has since begged me back. But I went to stay with a girlfriend after I saw what he said about me. And he now says if I don't come home by 7 tonight he will be done with me.
mammasita Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Way to the left of normal. Why the hell would he jump to that conclusion and assume you were lying about your daughter? I'm going to make some assumptions here......but based on him not believing you, I feel like you're relationship is not very mature, he's insecure and he hasn't met your daughter nor spent time with her. He sounds like a narcissist. For example.....if I were in your shoes and I were about to go on a cruise on the verge of a potential engagement, my son got sick and I couldn't go to take care of him, it would go something like this: ME: Babe, my son isn't well, so I think I need to postpone the cruise and not leave until he's better. BF: That's too bad, but don't worry, we can reschedule the cruise and I'll come over this weekend with Xbox games and chicken soup. 1
Author sothisisit2 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 Yes I asked him if he would consider rescheduling and staying with me. But he went nuts and just ended everything. Then during the trip started begging me back. But the venting and lying to his family and friends??? What do you think about that? I feel so violated by that. Maybe I'm too sensitive. Way to the left of normal. Why the hell would he jump to that conclusion and assume you were lying about your daughter? I'm going to make some assumptions here......but based on him not believing you, I feel like you're relationship is not very mature, he's insecure and he hasn't met your daughter nor spent time with her. He sounds like a narcissist. For example.....if I were in your shoes and I were about to go on a cruise on the verge of a potential engagement, my son got sick and I couldn't go to take care of him, it would go something like this: ME: Babe, my son isn't well, so I think I need to postpone the cruise and not leave until he's better. BF: That's too bad, but don't worry, we can reschedule the cruise and I'll come over this weekend with Xbox games and chicken soup.
autumnnight Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Thank your lucky stars that you found out what he was BEFORE you married him. Buy a gallon of ice cream, cut up his photos, and move on.
todreaminblue Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I am all for giving guys a second chance....but.....this guy doesnt seem to care about anyone but himself ...not you and honestly your daughter either....i like the trials in life during dating...you get to see what the other person is made of.....their coping skills how they can roll or not roll with the punches life has to offer....as punches is sometimes what we get......he isnt understanding , he bad mouths you to friends and family instead of being supportive ....he boasts and brags he controls what or if he is going to marry you....in lieu of how you jump to his every whim.....he didnt even offer to come over and see you while your daughter was sick did he?.......instead he threw a monumental hissy fit....he is not a steadfast stand up guy.....not in what he says or does.... in my opinion, this guy of yours shows little long term potential......a lot of heartache and insecurity to be had.......consider seriously before marrying a guy who cares so little about your daughter that he is not concerned at all when she is sick.....shows a non family state of mind...... i agree with other posters......he is controlling and i would add deceptive towards you.....what you see is not what you get ......you should seek a guy with more compassionate and caring traits.....you do really need to have a real long look at your relationship .......i wish you well...I hope that you stay strong and do whats right for you and your daughter....good luck..deb
Author sothisisit2 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 I can see that -- in addition -- he has cut off all my access to money -- since I didnt' come home. We had a shared bank account and now he is cutting off my source of money. He said that he's sorry and will lift the hold -- but right now I can't even get gas. His answer? Well you made your bed..... Thank your lucky stars that you found out what he was BEFORE you married him. Buy a gallon of ice cream, cut up his photos, and move on.
d0nnivain Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 A couple of points here. First cruise vacations are very expensive & unless you have cruise insurance & your reason for not going falls under a "covered reason" you do not get your money back if you cancel less than 120 days from sailing. Second he had this whole big proposal planned. He was dreaming about it & looking froward to it. Third, his family may not have liked you but he stuck by you even against them. After all that, when you backed out, he was disappointed, hurt & angry. Can you understand that? When you say your daughter was sick, what do you mean sick? Do you mean she was hospitalized or that she had the flu? If hospital, he's a cad for not understanding. If it was something that was not life threatening, how was she feeling by the time you were supposed to leave? If she wasn't still sick, I can see where he thought you were saying anything to get out of it. The posts & some of the other comments were born of his pain & anger. Many people say things they don't always mean in the heat of the moment when they are lashing out. That of course does not explain his family's reaction. The women on FB were more just being good friends who wanted to console him & take his mind off the pain of the break up. If they were respectful of your relationship previously, I see little reason to assume they are competition now. You too do need to talk. If you hope to put this back together. I would be skeptical about his family but not necessarily him. What do you want to happen? You can't un-ring the bell. If you do hope to reconcile, I think a good faith gesture would include repaying him for the money he lost when you bailed on the cruise. I just saw the part about him denying you access to your money. That is above & beyond. For that alone I would have to seriously consider whether I wanted to go forward. 3
Author sothisisit2 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 donnivain -- I'm new here -- but could you PM me? I don't know how to do that... but I'd like to give you more insight without giving too much private info...publicly. A couple of points here. First cruise vacations are very expensive & unless you have cruise insurance & your reason for not going falls under a "covered reason" you do not get your money back if you cancel less than 120 days from sailing. Second he had this whole big proposal planned. He was dreaming about it & looking froward to it. Third, his family may not have liked you but he stuck by you even against them. After all that, when you backed out, he was disappointed, hurt & angry. Can you understand that? When you say your daughter was sick, what do you mean sick? Do you mean she was hospitalized or that she had the flu? If hospital, he's a cad for not understanding. If it was something that was not life threatening, how was she feeling by the time you were supposed to leave? If she wasn't still sick, I can see where he thought you were saying anything to get out of it. The posts & some of the other comments were born of his pain & anger. Many people say things they don't always mean in the heat of the moment when they are lashing out. That of course does not explain his family's reaction. The women on FB were more just being good friends who wanted to console him & take his mind off the pain of the break up. If they were respectful of your relationship previously, I see little reason to assume they are competition now. You too do need to talk. If you hope to put this back together. I would be skeptical about his family but not necessarily him. What do you want to happen? You can't un-ring the bell. If you do hope to reconcile, I think a good faith gesture would include repaying him for the money he lost when you bailed on the cruise. I just saw the part about him denying you access to your money. That is above & beyond. For that alone I would have to seriously consider whether I wanted to go forward.
No Limit Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Sounds like a real prize that one. If he thinks you're cheating whenever you can't be with him, why is he even considering proposing? I'm just going to assume his divorce had cheating involved - why isn't he smarter now and simply doesn't propose to you (since he is obviously convinced you were cheating)? Sorry but him running his mouth like a cheesy college chick would be the additional dealbreaker for me. He doesn't sound stable at all.
d0nnivain Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 donnivain -- I'm new here -- but could you PM me? I don't know how to do that... but I'd like to give you more insight without giving too much private info...publicly. You can't PM because you are a new member. I can't override that because that is how the owners set things up. I do hope your daughter is OK.
Author sothisisit2 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 Yes - it is true that he cut off my access to money --when he was angry with me -- he wanted me to come running back to him -- but I didn't even have enough for gas money at the time. So, he just wanted to make me suffer.....
todreaminblue Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Yes - it is true that he cut off my access to money --when he was angry with me -- he wanted me to come running back to him -- but I didn't even have enough for gas money at the time. So, he just wanted to make me suffer..... you arent married to him and you have a joint bank account that he withholds when you dont jump as he asks.....red flag....whose idea to have a joint account.....deb 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I would say move on without him.....if there are these kinds of issues BEFORE the proposal...i fear what is in store for the future. Concentrate on being a good mom....and don't give this man another thought.
MidwestUSA Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 The beauty of this forum is that you can often find people in situations similar to yours. Never allow yourself to be in a position to cut off your money! You're not even married (thank goodness!). There are many replies in this thread from people who took their time and put a lot of thought into them. It's a long read, but I think it's worth it. Don't let the title throw you. I wish you had PM privileges, so you could chat with someone who's been in an abusive, controlling relationship. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/510858-inappropriate-behavior-young-girl 5
GemmaUK Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 This is not normal at all. Get away and stay away from this guy.
Got it Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Regardless of why you didn't go and the monies he spent, he has the right to be hurt and upset but his behavior is over the top and unacceptable. This is not the way a healthy, mature adult tries to maintain a relationship or works out issues. Please pay very good attention that he is TRAINING you. He wants to see if he can control you to do what he wants, he will punish you if you do not comply. This behavior WILL continue if you two move forward. I would tell him he and you need physiological help to move this relationship into any hope of a healthy future. And I agree as well, the family being so unsupportive like that is a red flag. This relationship is just too ripe for issues. Cut ties. And NEVER co-mingle money without any way to support yourself. Gawww! Why do women do that so much! Come on ladies, financial independence is everything. 1
Author sothisisit2 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 Well the issue was that he wanted me to find a job closer to his house - and he said that if I didn't do that -- he couldn't handle the relationship because I was gone so much. So, he wasn't giving me the opportunity to have a job - until I found a new one near him.... That's why it was so hard to be financially independent -- once I got a job near him - it would have been fine -- but not in the meantime. And he thought I was hiding money too. I had a credit card charge that I disputed for over a thousand dollars. And the bank gave me the money back through the investigation -- but then took it away again. I told him this is why I didn't have money. Well, I just found out from the business involved that HE called behind my back and tried to verify my story -- and asked where my money was. He wasn't even on the account! And I can't believe that they gave him this info! The only reason I found out is my phone number was on file and they were trying to give HIM answers to HIS questions.
preraph Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 No, you do NOT reconcile with this wingnut! If he doesn't know you well enough to trust you when you say your child is sick, then he shouldn't be taking you on a cruise to begin with. He is a complete retaliatory jerk for going around telling people all those lies and turning them all against you. THEY will never get over it because now that bell is rung. You would be an idiot for marrying him or having anything else at all to do with him. He doesn't get it about taking care of children, and he goes batsh*t crazy when things don't go his way. He is not safe to marry.
d0nnivain Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 The more you write the crazier you both look: Him for acting this way & you for sticking around. The way to be financially, emotionally & physically independent of him is to break up with him. 2
MissBee Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 (edited) Your bf is a lunatic and none of it is normal...the question is: how many reasons do you need to leave? Edited February 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
William Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 As reminder folks, discussion of other members is *not* a topic that's ever valid for posts on this forum. LoveShack is an interpersonal relationship forum and relationships are the topics of discussion. Forum and member functions are welcomed to be discussed with moderation privately via PM or alerts. Sorry for the intrusion and now back to the topic. Thanks!
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