amkxoxo Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Growing up I was a very sheltered child. My parents are wonderful people. They care so much about others and do so much for other people. I was raised to be caring, considerate, empathetic, and compassionate. Occasionally with my families good will, people would be hateful, jealous, Or take advantage of us. I saw a lot of that growing up and it hasn’t necessarily made me negative, but I have often am very skeptical of people in general. But like the weather my persona can change as well. I sometimes have high expectations of people. I have let myself become disappointed time and time again. I’m a very innocent person. Not stupid but sweet. I have high hopes for people being good people. It isn’t that hard to be a good person and make a good decision. But through my college years I have seen people make mistakes. I made mistakes. People are only human. I’m terrified of people hurting me, but I tend to throw myself into the line of fire sometimes, because I feel like I know that they will fail and I can’t blame myself, and can blame them. I have become very self-aware of myself now that I am out of school. I am 22 and never really had a boyfriend. I dated one guy on and off for months and months but he broke my heart because he wasn’t quite ready for a commitment. He is the closest I have ever gotten to being with someone. I am afraid of a lot of things. I think it was because I was brought up very sheltered. My parents taught me right and wrong. Black and White and I trusted them. But as an adult now, I realize that they also make mistakes. It’s an enlightening moment to realize your parents aren’t perfect. I am scared to try new things, go to new places, but when other push me a bit to go out of my comfort zone, a lot of the time I end up loving the new experiences. I never had much experience with boys. I am now 22 and have more, but still not a lot. I have never had sex. But I have gotten close, with that guy I dated for many months. I just have this notion that I want to be with someone steady. I want to have a relationship out of it and now just give myself away to anyone who shows me one second of attention. I get very nervous about physical intimacy, because I have all these ideas in my head and I don’t know how to use them or get to afraid to even try. I don’t see myself clearly and have a hard time believing that people will actually like me. The guy I dated pushed me. He would grab me and kiss me at random, like when I would do something cute or when we were having a fun time. I love physical contact. I miss it a lot. I guess the whole purpose of this is because I am terrified, but when I like someone I throw myself into it full force, but chicken out when it comes to physical things. I love when the guy initiates it. Then I can go along with it and gain in confidence. With my strict, uptight past I feel like recently I have been rebelling. I feel stupid because I am 22 and now finally getting out there. I go out and drink often with friends. Sometimes drinking more than others. I flirt with people. I am blunt, and bold, and I feel like this is my way of getting attention. I feel rebellious doing this. I am not going back and sleeping with people or anything. I know girls who have gotten totally drunk and slept with random guys. I don’t do this, but I feel like this is my way of breaking out of my cage. I feel like I am putting on this confident front because deep down inside, I am terrified. People don’t like scared little girl, they like confident woman and I am trying to balance both. I want a relationship with someone. But at the same time I push people away. I often feel like I am not good enough for some people, while others I feel are below me. Am a good, kind person. I am attractive smart, driven, quirky. I think I have a lot to offer. I know guys take notice because recently I have been meeting a lot of new people through friends, and I have been asked out a lot recently. I was not interested in any of them to go out with them. People show interest in me and I totally shut down. Half of me is terrified of letting them see the real me, the other half is afraid I will hurt them and thus hurt myself. There is so much involved in this. I feel lonely and sometimes I think when I feel especially lonely, I flirt more, drink more, and act more outrageous. I am not alone though. I have a lot of friends and family who love me and I love them too. I’m sick of being single, but terrified of the responsibility that goes along with a relationship. I get so blinded by love that I am afraid I will mess it up. I am afraid once they get to know the real me they will see I am a scared little girl and they won’t like me. The guy I dated for a long time a long while ago, I started letting go of layers of myself, but most times I couldn’t. He got to know me and sometimes he knew what I was feeling by just looking at me. I liked this. I am not saying no one else could do this too, but I am not attracted to many of the guys who ask me out. They don’t wow me. They aren’t mysterious or passionate. I need someone more aggressive, to offset my passive. I hate forward. Aggressive and forward to me are different things. I have had the annoying forward guy who keeps flirting with you as soon as he meets you and insists you are the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. And I have had the cool, laid back guy who isn’t afraid to be himself and take control of a situation. As much as I feel confident on my morals and values, I am not confident. That guy I dated was so good with some of my insecurities. He would always shoot them down. I am a very in my head type of person, always thinking, and drifting off. He would look at me, knowing I was thinking and he would always ask me what it was about. This would stump me. What is in my head makes sense to me, but how is he going to understand? How am I going to convey it? Some of the time I was thinking deeply about he and I. In a romantic type of way. I would sometimes lie to him and make up something I was thinking about, it was gut instinct. I feel a little lost in myself and my love life. I don’t want to be single forever. I want to have that facebook relationship and have someone to sit and talk to who doesn’t think I’m crazy with all my thoughts. I want someone to curl up and watch a movie with, and to go on vacation with, and to have sex with. I’m dying for intimacy. But while I picture cuddling up in front of Netflix in my head, when it actually happens I am awkward and unless the guy grabs me to do something, I am too scared to move. I want to be sexual. I want to be a flirtacious woman. I know I have it in me, because sometimes it comes out. I feel like I am in my own way. I have all these ideals of the life I want to live. All these dreams.
mightycpa Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I feel like I am putting on this confident front ... Half of me is terrified of letting them see the real me People see right through this. You should find a way to be yourself. Accept that along the way, people will disappoint you, both unintentionally and intentionally. Even so, it isn't a good reason to hide. Take the risk. Put your real self out there. You'll get the feedback you need.
Gaeta Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 You sound like a normal young woman with normal dreams and fears. All that you need to do is do your best and learn along the way. You will never stop discovering who you are, and who you are will never stop changing. It's a life long journey. Push your limits, don't be afraid of hurting and falling, it's what will make you stronger and wiser. It was never meant to be easy.
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