Disclosure to adult chidren if trying to reconcile?

[No Limit]

You'd be amazed at how many people WANT their kids to hate the WS. I get it intellectually, but it's hugely unhealthy.

 

It gets funny when WS bring this hatred to themselves though.

When I was 4 and my mom initiated the divorce and moved maybe 10 miles away it was my dad who basically went mad in every aspect, would try to bully my mom by accusing her of using me against him and making him look bad in my eyes (actually it was him revealing the affair to me when he took me to one of the dates with his AP - said woman didn't know he was married and apologized afterwards to my mom via phone; of course I was too young to understand what an affair meant exactly, but I did know that another woman was in the picture) when it was him rampaging outside our house which made me scared and quickly detach (that he wasn't at home often also speeded that process up).

 

My mom never said anything good or bad about my dad. It's been almost 15 years and she mentioned him maybe 2 times; one time saying admiringly that I got my dad's smarts, another time when his buddy contacted us when I was 14 saying she would be okay with me wanting contact to him, but she wouldn't go. I have no incentive to ever reach out to him.

[Lion Heart]

Absolutely the children have a right to know the facts of the their parent's A.

 

Don't believe for a second that the "nuclear bomb detonated on the marriage" doesn't profoundly affect the children of the marriage. As kids, we know that the fall-out is ugly - whether because BS is enraged and triggering, or because the WS is engulfed by shame.

 

Unless we've been told *why* we assume that the reason mom or dad is miserable is because we (the kids) have done something wrong. We are unloveable. We are unwanted. We are at fault. Imagine going through life not knowing what it was you did wrong. Could have been anything. It's hard to negotiate life when up is down and down is up. Very confusing for the kids.

 

My BS dad, I believe, tried to shield my WS mom from the worse of his anger - but instead directed his anger at us kids. Imagine how damaging that was. Especially for my brother, the suspected OC. Every time he did anything naughty-kid like - he was punished. It screwed his ability as an adult to find empathy for others.

 

As for myself, I was closed off to my father for decades because of his temper. Had I only understood that the rage he felt was a *normal* consequence of my mother's betrayal, we might have found a way to salvage some semblance of a relationship - especially after my mother's death. But he never told me his side of the story. I only had her version of the A, and her manipulations to keep me close to her.

 

The Truth will set us free. Please don't deny your kids the truth.

 

I entirely agree with Seachan. I also was a child whose parent, in my case, father committed adultery in his marriage to my mother. I use the term adultery because as "devout" in their faith, they had no problems condemning others for this act and little did I know about WF at the time. I could probably even pin point the year but I definitely knew when things went from harmonious (us 3 laughing and cuddling, having breakfast in their bed and having fun together to a TOTAL nightmare of an existence). My mother went crazy & my father was never home.

 

If I had known then I wouldn't have spent my whole childhood wondering "why", I just would've KNOWN. Knowledge IS power, even for a child. I totally respect other's choices and opinions of how to raise their own children BUT I have the right to raise my children based on my knowledge of child development enlightened with my own responses to my own upbringing. And I have no intention of replicating the tools of a cheaters trade by employing lies and deception in my relationships with my children.

 

In brief my mother went crazy, put herself in a mental institution for 3 weeks after my brother's funeral. All I remember was being minded by close relatives because my father wasn't around. My poor mother told me YEARS later that the funeral and illness my brother had for 20mths was devastating BUT WHAT REALLY devastated her was the fact that my father went to the funeral then didn't turn up to the wake.

She had 100 peoole at our house to "entertain" and she spent the whole time on the phone trying to find my father. He wasn't at any people's homes she knew. After 30 phone calls she "knew". I won't continue this story but suffice to say that if I had known the PRETENCE my father and his OW were spouting at me for 20+ years, I would've saved my own heartache wanting things to change and knowing they were just 2 "snakes in the grass"!

 

IMHO children who are close to you ie living in the house KNOW something MAJOR has happened.

 

Now I'm 8w 3d since my own D Day. Would I have fallen in love with my "father figure" as my husband if I'd had counselling focussed on this childhood scarred by infidelity and the lies and deception? Who knows. Its over now. BUT MY present situation gives my own children a chance to see what infidelity could do to a relationship and a precious family that ONE parent didn't hold sacred enough to keep it in his pants and just plain leave. If it's that bad then leave first.

 

In this present situation I phoned my 22yo daughter from the gym the moment I found out. My whole earth was shaking and she's a rock. She said to me if I hadn't told her, she would have been "insulted". We have an extremely close relationship, being each other's best friends tho we both have 2-3 other best friends and a wider circle of good friends. My DD is also studying psychology. My DD and DSIL have now spoken openly on the topic of infidelity and the planned consequences if was ever committed by one of them. Definite deal breaker. It also gave them opportunity to re-affirm their love and commitment to each other. They have also minded the younger children alot more and had open conversations with how they're feeling as time goes on.

 

My WH told my twin sons BEFORE I even got home from the gym, then he packed his ute with all his stuff. They're 12yo. I was horrified. THIS WAS HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE behavior but HUH no surprise there,just more damage to repair! If I can. Inadvertently our youngest daughter was told by her brothers the minute we got home.

 

IMHO the news may or may not come as a surprise to some adult children! They may even have "oh so that's why WS did this then" etc. In some ways it unsettles them but in some it makes total sense!

 

Sh** happens in life, in marraige but it's the way we handle it that is the lesson for us all. Certainly infidelity also gives us and our children knowledge of a typical cheaters character flaws and we can name our cheaters ones as overblown sense of entitlement etc. This is extremely fruitful learning for my children! It helps set a context and allows red flags to occur as they go thru life. Trusting everyone is foolish, condemning everyone is foolish but setting up my children with the capacity to know red flags when they see them is wisdom in action.

 

And the result of this whole A now for my children is humour. Yes they've grieved but the reality is no one died. A marriage was thrown in the garbage by one spouse. This marraige is in R and they're watching WH and scratching their heads! When he chose to spend a whole night out a few days ago they felt down but I let them cry, held them and answered their questions. It was an opportunity for me to lead by example of how we have a menu of options for our reactions to others. If we choose to lay down and get kicked in the guts over and over we can! Will we? No way. By the end of the night the kids wrote their TOP 1O THINGS not to do after you tell your family you've had an A. Directed at WF. It got to 28. It was serious and HUMOUROUS. Sure we've been hurt but I'm working on getting myself and my children to the "Meh whatever" reaction and we're just about there. We have a great exit plan that everyone including WH knows about. Time's a ticking away but there's an end to the time I'll give a comical R to. WH knew and chose to please himself. The kids saw, reacted & gave him the list. He sobbed. Thought they saw him through rose coloured glasses. They don't. Nor do they me. I've never wanted them to. No fairy tales or unicorns here! WF broke their innocence by telling them (3) he had an A. It's my job as the responsible parent to turn it into a life lesson IMO only.

 

My thoughts are with all of you who are suffering from the actions of your WSs. I don't suffer fools for very long usually and I'm doing my best to ensure my children don't either.

 

Lion Heart.

[Thicke2013]

I am of the opinion that they should know. Regardless of age but absolutely age appropriate. I am also the son of an adulteress father who cheated on my mom twice. I didn't know until I was an adult and the infidelity happened the first time when I was just 4 and the second when I was 15. It explained a lot that I had put on my shoulders. Trust me, children know. Whether or not they live in the home or not, they know. Had I known sooner I could have released the hurt as just something that happens in relationships. What I did was blame myself and somehow feel inferior that my friends parents seemed to have great relationships and mine didn't so that somehow must have been my fault.

 

 

I am also of the opinion that we need to show real life to our children. After all, isn't it our job as parent's to teach them about real life? Kids need to see that adults can argue, then reconcile and come back together. They need to see that there are consequences inside of a marriage if one betrays another. Obviously they don't need the juicy details of the A but aren't we crippling our children if we send them out into the world with the perception that their parent's marriage was all unicorns and rainbows, then when they get in a relationship of their own and start having issues, they hold the blame 100% because this never happened when mom and dad were married so I must be flawed?

 

 

We are supposed to teach our children about failures and disappointment and marriage and finances, etc. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I think you are doing your children a serious disservice if you hide it. Sit them down, let them know what happened. Let them know that you two are working on it but at this point in time you are unsure of how it will turn out. They need to know that both of you own what you did wrong in the marriage and you are working to fix it. They need to know that some thing's are worth fixing, and also some things are beyond repair.

 

 

I personally got down on my knees in front of my children and admitted my mistakes to them when I told them their mother and I were getting divorced. Yes they cried. It was hard. We both sat there and told them we couldn't make it work but we both tried really hard and that we were still committed to making sure they were taken care of and that their lives were disrupted as little as possible. I know that I have made mistakes but I also know that I have earned my children's respect by being open and honest with them. They want to see us as super hero's but it isn't healthy. Once they view us as just ordinary people trying their best, forgiveness comes a lot easier. Just my 2 cents.

[autumnnight]

It gets funny when WS bring this hatred to themselves though.

 

I'll go ahead and say that while an Affair is horrific and wrong, I do wonder about the person who actually WANTS their children to hate one of his/her parents, no matter what bad choice they made. No matter what my ex did, I cannot imagine WANTING my children to hate their father.

[HereNorThere]

I'll go ahead and say that while an Affair is horrific and wrong, I do wonder about the person who actually WANTS their children to hate one of his/her parents, no matter what bad choice they made. No matter what my ex did, I cannot imagine WANTING my children to hate their father.

 

It's not about wanting someone to hate their family member. Instead, it's about respecting that person enough to tell them the truth about their life. People have a right to know the true character of their loved ones. Given the information, they have a right to decide how to treat that person or trust them.

 

When you lie or withhold information, you're really no better than a cheater. You have to use the same rationalizations and justifications to lie to your children as you do your spouse.

[Selfish]

It's not about wanting someone to hate their family member. Instead, it's about respecting that person enough to tell them the truth about their life. People have a right to know the true character of their loved ones. Given the information, they have a right to decide how to treat that person or trust them.

 

When you lie or withhold information, you're really no better than a cheater. You have to use the same rationalizations and justifications to lie to your children as you do your spouse.

 

Oh good god, now we are condemning people who choose to use discretion and tack when exposing an affair? And saying just because someone may choose to keep the affair private they are "no better" than the person who cheated?

 

Some people are so screwed up they actually believe this logic. there is no right or wrong answer to telling kids of any age. It comes down to a matter of opinion. And in my opinion each situation is unique and what is "best" will vary.

[Mrs. John Adams]

It's not about wanting someone to hate their family member. Instead, it's about respecting that person enough to tell them the truth about their life. People have a right to know the true character of their loved ones. Given the information, they have a right to decide how to treat that person or trust them.

 

When you lie or withhold information, you're really no better than a cheater. You have to use the same rationalizations and justifications to lie to your children as you do your spouse.

 

I don't know if i agree with this...but you made me think about it. in my eyes...Cheating encompasses both lying and withholding information...but it includes so much more...so i don't think i would put them into the same category...of course sin is sin regardless..but i have a hard time not placing penance...but that's just me.

 

Our children were small when i had my affair...and we told them nothing.

As adults...I have talked with our daughter about my affair..not details but enough that she knows what transpired. I have never discussed it with our son...and i probably never will. Unless his sister told him...i don't believe he knows. I see no reason to tell him....i wish i had not told our daughter.

[HereNorThere]

Oh good god, now we are condemning people who choose to use discretion and tack when exposing an affair? And saying just because someone may choose to keep the affair private they are "no better" than the person who cheated?

 

Some people are so screwed up they actually believe this logic. there is no right or wrong answer to telling kids of any age. It comes down to a matter of opinion. And in my opinion each situation is unique and what is "best" will vary.

 

 

So in your opinion, it's okay to lie and my opinion is that it's not okay to lie. At least we have that settled.

 

In full disclosure, I am a child that was lied to. Finding out the truth on my own was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. Much harder than having a spouse to lie to me. I mean, those are my parents, the people I could trust more than anyone. My foundation was ripped out from under me and my life was changed forever. Thinking of all the times they looked me directly in my eyes and lied to me or thinking of how everyone in the room knew something about my life that I didn't is something I will never get over. Don't lie to your kids, especially if they are adults. Take it from someone who has been there, you never get it over it, ever.

[Selfish]

So in your opinion, it's okay to lie and my opinion is that it's not okay to lie. At least we have that settled.

 

In full disclosure, I am a child that was lied to. Finding out the truth on my own was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. Much harder than having a spouse to lie to me. I mean, those are my parents, the people I could trust more than anyone. My foundation was ripped out from under me and my life was changed forever. Thinking of all the times they looked me directly in my eyes and lied to me or thinking of how everyone in the room knew something about my life that I didn't is something I will never get over. Don't lie to your kids, especially if they are adults. Take it from someone who has been there, you never get it over it, ever.

 

I am sorry this is your own bitterness and twisted perception colouring your judgement. If a child adult or otherwise asks if there is an affair or what is wrong and are lied to... That is one thing. If instead they are kept out of marital disagreements whatever they are that is not lying. by your rather harsh logic if parents are close to divorce at any point and then change their minds or what not because they don't blather every thing to their children about it they are lying. People take lies of omission to far. Children, especially adult children, do not have a "right" to any information that happens in the marriage. Marriage is betwen too people. Vows are made to your partner. Not your children.

 

Have you ever had therapy for this?

 

I guess i better start telling my children EVERYTHING past and present. You know so I avoid some sort of twisted idea that not doing so is lying. And i better hope that if my parents aren't having sex anymore they better tell me asap. Other wise they are liars

 

And yes, that is just as rediculous as you claiming a parent not telling their children about their partners cheating makes them just as bad as the person who cheated.

[No Limit]

Vows are made to your partner. Not your children.

 

I wonder if those women who end up having affair babies and later refuse to tell them who their biological father really is think like this.

Not really of relevance since it's a different topic I guess but wow. WSes spit on the vows they made, and on their children too? Really?

[HereNorThere]

Let's just be honest, the only reason why a WS would lie to their children is to protect their own ego. Cheaters have a hard time facing the music and will do ANYTHING to protect themselves from having to face reality or judgement.

 

In psychology, it's referred to as cognitive dissonance. The uneasy feeling of knowing your actions do not match up with your own beliefs and values. Most philanderers can't handle the extreme amount of cognitive dissonance associated with cheating and will go to great lengths of justification and rationalizations to protect themselves. One of these protective measures happens to be lying to those around them. At some point, many actually start believing their own lies and rewrite history to preserve what dignity they have left.

 

So, should you tell your child everything? No, probably not, but that's a strawman argument or misdirection. The point is that you should tell them the truth about something that is going to monumentally change their life forever. When you bring children into a marriage, it's not longer about those two people, it's about your family. I can see how your "don't ask, don't tell" policy may be effective if no one ever asks, but I can't imagine someone not asking why they have a new mom or dad.

Edited February 11, 2015 by HereNorThere

[Mrs. John Adams]

The original question includes the word reconcile....so I don't think that the ONLY reason a ws would not tell their children is to protect their ego.

 

We did not disclose my affair to my husbands family...that was HIS choice not mine. It had nothing to do with MY ego...we were trying to reconcile...to remain a family...the fewer people that KNEW made reconciliation easier for him. He did not have to deal with the judgments of others.

 

I think each family has to decide what is best for them....there is no right or wrong answer.

 

Some adult children may NOT want to know. I wouldn't. If my parents had an affair at some point in their lifetime...it is none of my business and strictly between the two of them.

[Selfish]

I wonder if those women who end up having affair babies and later refuse to tell them who their biological father really is think like this.

Not really of relevance since it's a different topic I guess but wow. WSes spit on the vows they made, and on their children too? Really?

 

Withholding your child's true parentage is not even comparable to choosing not to tell adult children of a past affair. An affair that is over as this topic.

[Selfish]

Let's just be honest, the only reason why a WS would lie to their children is to protect their own ego. Cheaters have a hard time facing the music and will do ANYTHING to protect themselves from having to face reality or judgement.

 

In psychology, it's referred to as cognitive dissonance. The uneasy feeling of knowing your actions do not match up with your own beliefs and values. Most philanderers can't handle the extreme amount of cognitive dissonance associated with cheating and will go to great lengths of justification and rationalizations to protect themselves. One of these protective measures happens to be lying to those around them. At some point, many actually start believing their own lies and rewrite history to preserve what dignity they have left.

 

So, should you tell your child everything? No, probably not, but that's a strawman argument or misdirection. The point is that you should tell them the truth about something that is going to monumentally change their life forever. When you bring children into a marriage, it's not longer about those two people, it's about your family. I can see how your "don't ask, don't tell" policy may be effective if no one ever asks, but I can't imagine someone not asking why they have a new mom or dad.

I wasnt discussing telling or not. I was objeting to your harsh judgements against BS who dont disclose. Specially when the topic is about R not D and adult children.

[Selfish]

As a ws who is forever getting her words twisted because of the initials getting me, it does not invalidate my opinion. Nor does is upset me. I'm too far past my infidilty, so if that is how you discuss things then more power to you.

 

As my child who was born at the time was too young to do more than poop, pee and eat. And only cared about smiles and their small world. We did not tell. As there is no stress or issues in our relationship now there is no reason to tell.

 

But we plan when our children are faced with the possibility of being cheated on or tempted to cheat to fully disclose what happened to us. What they do with that info and how they react will be theirs. So no I have no motive behind my posts of ego or self protection. If others never tell their children of an affair that is their personal choice and I'd never condemn them for it. But, perhaps that is because I'm just an evil cheater.

[Mrs. John Adams]

selfish...glad to know i am in good company:D

[A.Moscote]

...i wish i had not told our daughter.

Why is that? and actually what make you decided to disclose it to her after such a long time?

[Ralph79]

I am the son of a serial WS. (My Father). I grew up in what I recall to be a happy family. Maybe I blocked bad memories out. There were some fights, but my recollection of my childhood is filled with mostly good memories.

 

I don't blame either parent for not telling me the truth early on. I was too young to deduce what was going on, so I focused on my childhood.

 

I can say there were benefits and drawbacks from not knowing the truth.

 

In hindsight I feel pity for my mother for putting up with my dad's infidelities. And I thank her for putting up a front so that I could enjoy a happy childhood. I thank my dad for working his ass off so I could attend college and prepare myself for the challenges that lied ahead. I thank my mom for forging the man I became, instilling values in me.

 

However I was aware that as a couple, they fought frequently. Nothing more than raising their voice to each other, but there was a lot of tension between them. I would ignore that thinking "that's what adults do". Because they would treat me kindly together.

 

The main drawback to this is that I was programmed to take whatever punishment my spouse threw at me and deal with it because marriage was supposed to endure everything no matter the cost. And I paid a very high price for living by that guideline, which was wrong.

 

Had I known at a younger age about my dad's infidelities and the suffering my mom was going through, I would have supported her more. I would have maybe given her the courage to do the right thing and leave him. I might have learned a lesson about dignity in relationships I never learned until my divorce.

 

However, had I known and been explained about my dad's infidelities at too young of an age, I might have grown up never respecting the man, thus lacking that second authority figure to set me right whenever my mom couldn't keep me under control.

 

I think there's a time Children need to know the Tooth Fairy doesn't exists.

 

I think there's a time Children need to know Santa Clause is not real.

 

And I think there comes a time when Children need to know the truth about their parents.

 

But it's subjective and unique to each family. You'll know when the time is right. There is a lessons to be learned from our mistakes that we should pass unto our children at some point when they are ready for the truth.

 

Anyways, it's just my opinion based on what I lived through.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Our daughter enrolled in the same college i had attended and where i met the om....(she went to the day care there during the time of my affair). The daycare director was still there 14 years later and i was afraid she might say something to our daughter (she was one of the very few people that knew about my affair) so i told our daughter. As it turned out...i did not need to tell her, but i did not want to take that chance. My husband regrets that our daughter knows. I will say...we (my daughter and i) don't discuss the affair.

So i truly wish i had just kept my mouth shut.

[truncated]

perhaps the stories that one should be paying the most attention to are the experinces of children who had a Ws parent.

 

they lived it, and they know what it's like for a child.

[HereNorThere]

Our daughter enrolled in the same college i had attended and where i met the om....(she went to the day care there during the time of my affair). The daycare director was still there 14 years later and i was afraid she might say something to our daughter (she was one of the very few people that knew about my affair) so i told our daughter. As it turned out...i did not need to tell her, but i did not want to take that chance. My husband regrets that our daughter knows. I will say...we (my daughter and i) don't discuss the affair.

So i truly wish i had just kept my mouth shut.

 

Honestly, that's one of the most noble things I've read on here in a while. You sacrificed your own ego and pride to possibly protect your child. I think you should be proud of that.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thank you...

[Lion Heart]

I'll go ahead and say that while an Affair is horrific and wrong, I do wonder about the person who actually WANTS their children to hate one of his/her parents, no matter what bad choice they made. No matter what my ex did, I cannot imagine WANTING my children to hate their father.

 

Information that was already shared by WS on my D Day to his precious children was just that. Information. Knowledge. The most shocking knowledge of their innocent lives but he'd shared it before I had a chance to prepare HOW or even WHAT to tell them and before I was even there to comfort them. IMO the knowledge was shocking enough. The delivery was abhorrent and the ensuing moments as he scrambled to pack everything he owned into his ute. THAT was shocking, my boys watching their father leave us all. It's what they saw and his behaviour since that's changed my children's perspectives. Not me. His actions.

 

My main point is that OFCOURSE I would have told them. No way would I want them to hear that from anyone else but their parents and that's a risk too, them finding out from someone else now or later.

 

I would NEVER try to turn my children against their own father. They love him and I would never hope for that to change at any time during their lives. In fact the extreme lengths I went to with my eldest daughter to retain a loving relationship with her WF for 21 years is testament to that. Was he worth it? No way. Was my DAUGHTERS relationship with her father worth it? Yes!TO ME and her, not to him! I did everything in my power to nurture her relationship with him but he's just not a nice father to any of his children so meh.

 

I know that each parent nurtures and gives themselves to their children in their own way. I respect that totally. Every parent has choices of what and when to tell their children anything. I choose age appropriate truth on any subject and have had to repeatedly answer some questions with "you're too young for me to answer that completely. When you're 18 if you still have the question, daddy or I will answer you honestly. Trust us it's nothing you need to know now."

 

My present WH has lost the trust of his children. They've withdrawn and told him to leave kindly. They still love him but they want HARMONY, stability and a sane mother! They don't want 50/50 custody as we've been discussing. They want to live in our new home and see WF on their own terms. That's fine by both of us but WH is devastated. I have nurtured their relationships with their father long enough. It's completely up to him from now on AS IT WILL BE if and when we separate.

 

People who use children as pawns are simply not emotionally mature enough to know they are damaging their children deeply. Irreversibly even! My children know they are pretty much free to make alot of decisions themselves. Here the Family Law Courts (I believe still) allow children to dictate their custody arrangements once they turn 13yo. My boys want us to stay together another 6 months so they get to legally choose. And as I did with my DD that would mean a ruling of "reasonable access". Kids choose. My exWH was so confident that I had all our best interests at heart that he just wrote a letter (didn't attend Court) to the judge saying so. The judge read it out as an example to other bickering parents of how 2 separated parents are PUTTING THEIR CHILDREN FIRST.

 

It would be wise NOT to confuse two entirely different concepts and entwine them as one.

1. Telling children about a parent's affair (I would always do) and

2. Purposefully trying to create a hatred in your own children for the other parent (I would never do. It's immoral, cruel and vindictive).

 

And unless you've been a child that experienced

infidelity in your parents marriage, you don't have the credibility to dictate how this damages a child. IMHO keeping massive secrets like that is damaging. They know something huge happened and blame themselves. I did for a while when I was young. Being honest is the way to go. I know this from my own experience. No guessing. No bitterness. Exactly the opposite. Understanding that my parents also thought it was "best" to not tell. I'm now watching my own children recover very well indeed and it's only been 2 months. Much shorter than a remaining childhood etc.

 

IMHO only.

 

Lion Heart.

[fellini]

Speaking as a BS I lean towards those who would tell. But not to hang the WS out to the vultures. But definately because of the interest in reconciliation.

 

For one, about 8 or 9 months post DDAY, I required a structured separation from my WW who was having thoughts and comments about her AP that force me to recognise she hadn't done an adequate job of dealing with him in her head (another thread here on "detox" where I explain this).

 

So we had to tell our 9 year old daughter something. But I'm really not big on Easter Bunny and Santa Claus stories for these kinds of things. I felt she needed to know some level of truth about what was going on because the result of this could very well have been a final split up and my WS returning to her AP. So we told her NOT about the A, but about her mother being torn between her daddy and another man. The questions my daughter asked were, well, perfect. Had my WW asked or heard THOSE questions during her EA she might have made different decisions. Might have. Of course keeping her EA a secret was the way to ensure this would never pass.

 

We are still in R. And I am clear that one day I will be telling my daughter about this time in our past (may even be our future if we are not successful in reconciliation) because I want her to know that if she ever has any experiences in her future that require support, she can know that we are there and can discuss it from experience. The statistics are much too high against successful relationships not experiencing infidelity, and I don't see why my daughter has to remain ignorant of the things I know. What she does with that information is her choice. But I want her to know I am here and have the ability to empathasize with her if need be.

 

I don't see why my daughter, when she is an adult, should remain in the dark when perfect strangers to me, friends and co-workers of my WS know a dark secret.

 

I don't understand why people see "adult children" as in need of protection.

 

You know, for over a year now I have read about people moving through their marriages with blinders on. The devastation this causes when suddenly an infidelity is revealed. And here, in this thread, some of those same people are advocating keeping information from adult children. Some of these same people advocating a WS "confessing" with the phrase "it is not up to you to decide your BS is living a lie". Why should my own blood, the prodigy of this marriage, be an exception?

 

If we are reconciled, this is what my daughter will understand first when I talk about this horrid period of our lives. That her father has faced the worst possible event in his emotional life and lived through it and fought to save something he believed worth saving. I live through this R seeing that my daughter has no context for the massive changes that occured in her family during a relatively short period of time and I wish I could do something to help her understand this. But as long as we are currently in R, I will not. But had she been an "adult" child, in spite of the silliness of some dubious research floating around in LS these days on "frontal lobal development of experience of 20 year olds", I would have told her a measured account of what I felt she needed to know to make sense of her hidden world.

 

I want my daughter to know that reconcilation is and was possible. I don't want her to have to come to places like LS as a starting point.

Edited February 12, 2015 by fellini

[Mrs. John Adams]

I respect the decisions you all have made...and each has to make the best decision for their family.

 

Very few people knew about my affair, we don't discuss my affair with anyone, we have reconciled...so for us...right or wrong...we wont be sharing the information with our children and grandchildren. If circumstances were different...i understand that sharing may be the right thing to do.

 

My parents and my sister knows, our daughter knows, my husband's boss knew, and a couple of my friends knew. That's it.

 

While it will always be a part of our lives...it is not a part of theirs. We don't discuss our personal life, or habits , or sexual desires...with others. There are some things that are meant to be private....i see no benefit in sharing an affair that happened thirty years ago.

 

But i digress...I think the op is really discussing an affair that happens later in a marriage where adult children are present....not affairs that happened when the kids were small.