Dealing with BF's repeated calling habits - fights over not calling back soon enough

February 5, 2015

This posting is about the guy I've been seeing/dating for over a year and a half. I hesitate to call him my "BF" at this point. We've had an extremely intense (and pretty tumultuous), relationship which at this moment is intentionally "undefined" (meaning I suppose that technically I would be allowed to see/sleep with other people -- but I'm not really doing that). I really don't want to talk about any of that at the moment. I just want to get something off my chest and ask for your perspectives.

Here's what usually happens: I'm out with friends. I'm at a restaurant or in a bar. I live in a big city, so those places are inevitably noisy or cramped. My cellphone is in my purse, which is usually under the table or in my hand -- because I don't want to be the rude jerk who keeps it out on the table and checks it constantly. Or I'm at a friend's house or at my family's, socializing, and my phone is somewhere across the room in my bag. At some point I'll go to look at my phone (I'll usually check it maybe once every half hour or hour...maybe a bit less frequently depending on what I'm doing) and I'll see anywhere from 5 to 10? 12? missed calls from "BF" and/or a whole slew of text messages from him. Depending on what I'm doing at that particular moment I'll step outside and call him back. Usually AS I'm doing this, the phone starts to ring again. Lately sometimes I don't respond right away (recent examples: I'm with friends I haven't seen in awhile; I'm at a concert; I'm having a one-on-one convo with a friend and don't want to be rude). But all of this generally starts off because I've accidentally missed a call (or 10).

Either way, when I do eventually pick up the phone he's inevitably angry that I haven't responded to his earlier phonecalls or texts. If I don't pick up the call, he'll call again...and again...and again... like every minute...on and on and on. I pretty much always cave in and call him at some point (or pick up his call). And inevitably, he is livid...freaking out at me for "ignoring" his call. It always gets instantly heated.... and often turns into me having to step away from my friends multiple times to deal with him. This will often turn into to multiple conversations with him, trying to calm him down, defend myself.

When I try to analyze the situation afterwards, I can't even figure out WHY he was calling in the first place. But by the time I actually talk to him, it's just him getting really angry and me trying to defend myself for why I didn't pick up/text back earlier. At this point I have way too many memories of what were supposed to be nice nights out with friends, but instead I'm repeatedly excusing him to go stand on the street corner and argue with him over the phone about why I didn't pick up earlier. These are never like 30-second phonecalls to say "Love you, hope you're having fun" or "Just confirming our plans for later". It's always drama! And the drama is usually about the call itself. Also, there's never an option to quickly text or pick up and say "sorry in the middle of something, can I call you in 30 mins?" Doing that with him makes things much worse.

A similar, but slightly less intense version of this situation happens in other scenarios -- including at work. I frequently feel panicked that he'll be angry if I don't take his call or text back quickly -- even though I have no privacy at work and it's difficult (and unprofessional) for me to take calls or text too frequently at work. Sometimes this happens late at night while I'm sleeping too.

He really thinks that he's doing nothing wrong in all of this. It's his main gripe with me. He constantly brings up in our arguments that I "ignore" his calls.

A few times he's called 40+ times in a row. Fortunately that hasn't happened in quite some time.

Here's the thing: I know his behavior is out of line. But to be fair, I might be somewhat at fault too. Friends and others DO sometimes give me a hard time for not texting back quickly enough, not answering my phone, etc.

Also, with him specifically, at this time I'm so resentful of the distress he causes me with this calling/texting that, at this point, I DO delay calling him back, because I know it will inevitably deal with him getting mad at me (and probably calling again and again to get more upset).

Is this something that happens to other people? I mean, I know calling non-stop is unacceptable, but, like, HOW unacceptable is it? Do other people do this? How can *I* handle the situation better? How can I make it stop?

What is the acceptable response time for a text message?

I'm also specifically interested in the practical matter of how other women (or anybody who doesn't carry their cell phones in their pocket) deal with getting (or missing) phonecalls in loud places, at dinners, etc.

Edited February 5, 2015 by citrusgreen

February 5, 2015

Is this something that happens to other people? I mean, I know calling non-stop is unacceptable, but, like, HOW unacceptable is it? Do other people do this? How can *I* handle the situation better? How can I make it stop?

What is the acceptable response time for a text message?

I'm also specifically interested in the practical matter of how other women (or anybody who doesn't carry their cell phones in their pocket) deal with getting (or missing) phonecalls in loud places, at dinners, etc.

No, it really, really isn't. I don't have anyone in my life that treats me that poorly. I wouldn't be in their life for very long. If someone wants to get hold of me they know full well that if they send me a text, or call me and I don't pick up, that alert will be on my phone next time I check it, there's no need to call again, or text again (unless it's with fresh info), if someone called me more than a couple times I would wonder what the hell was going on in their minds that they felt it was necessary.

This dude ISN'T EVEN YOUR BOYFRIEND. Why are you putting up with this? He's got you anxious about not answering his calls fast enough, worrying about what you'll find when you next check your phone when you're out allegedly having fun with friends. To me it comes across like he's resentful or jealous of you having fun with people other than him, so he likes to keep you on a short leash and make sure you can't forget about him for very long, maybe he even wants to ruin your fun because he is jealous that you'll enjoy yourself more without him there. None of those reasons are relevant, they're his problem, not yours.

The acceptable response time for a text message is whenever the hell you feel like it. Sometimes I'll wait a few days or a week before responding to a friend's text, if it's not urgent and I'm busy otherwise. I will get around to it when I get around to it. With a partner I usually respond faster, mostly because we live together so messages are generally about finding out information or giving me information. Last night my boyfriend went out without me, he sent me a text at 6pm, I read it and figured I'd respond later. A couple hours later he messaged again saying he hadn't heard back from me and letting me know when he'd be home, and I responded apologising for forgetting. No drama!

When you're out you SHOULD be enjoying yourself and not sitting holding onto your phone. If I happen to check my phone during the course of an evening (and if it's a raucous dinner out with friends, I might not see my phone for two or three hours) and I have an alert from something I've missed, I'll either respond there and then with a very short message if it's urgent, or I'll wait until the night is over and return the call. That's how normal people operate. This guy doesn't need to be at the forefront of your mind 24/7 and nor should he be, that is not healthy.

The way you can stop this is by blocking his number when you're out without him. When you get back home, having had your fun, you can unblock him if you want. Let him know you'll be doing it beforehand so he knows he can't reach you. Honestly, if you can't agree on even this simple thing, why are you messing around with all of this crap when it's been a year and a half and it's clearly unhealthy, and you're not even together?

February 5, 2015

Why not explain to him that really what you're doing when you're out is to ignore your PHONE. You don't return anybody's calls, and you don't return anybody's texts right away. Explain to him how when you eventually do return other peoples' calls and texts, they are happy to hear from you because they are not NEEDY.

Then tell him you find NEEDINESS quite unattractive in a man and that his unreasonable demands to be attended to right away smack of NEEDINESS.

Or better yet, understand that this is just the tip of the iceberg, and as you get to know him better, other things will ooze out that remind you of this.

GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! And expect anger in response.

February 5, 2015

Is this something that happens to other people? I mean, I know calling non-stop is unacceptable, but, like, HOW unacceptable is it? Do other people do this? How can *I* handle the situation better? How can I make it stop?

I would never date a guy who acted like this. This isn't about you; it's his issue and his insecurity that's causing him to act this way. Moreover, it is completely disrespectful to you. You are entitled to have a night out with your friends without constantly having to check in with him. You make it stop by eliminating him from your life.

What is the acceptable response time for a text message?

Personally? 24 hours. I'm under no obligation to be tied to my phone. Sometimes I even leave it at home completely.

I'm also specifically interested in the practical matter of how other women (or anybody who doesn't carry their cell phones in their pocket) deal with getting (or missing) phonecalls in loud places, at dinners, etc.

I might check my phone once or twice during the entire evening. Sometimes I don't check it at all, though. If I'm out for the evening, I don't feel any obligation to check my phone to see what I might be missing elsewhere or to immediately call or text someone back who happened to call. I'm out. I have plans. I will call you or text you back when I have time. The majority of people will understand that.

February 5, 2015

A similar, but slightly less intense version of this situation happens in other scenarios -- including at work. I frequently feel panicked that he'll be angry if I don't take his call or text back quickly -- even though I have no privacy at work and it's difficult (and unprofessional) for me to take calls or text too frequently at work. Sometimes this happens late at night while I'm sleeping too.

It's time to cut your losses when a relationship makes you this anxious and unhappy. There's no amount of reciprocation on your end that will ever satisfy your bf's controlling behaviors. It's a black hole. A healthy relationship is all about partners having some "me" time and not being accountable for every minute of their day.

I turn off my phone when I'm not using it, I usually don't get back to people the same day nor do I expect someone to contact me within hours. I have better things to do than fiddle with a smartphone 24/7 and so do most people. If either my SO or I are out of town, we might contact each other every other day, but it's not set in stone and neither of us gets upset if a call isn't returned immediately. Having compatible attitudes about communication is essential for a relationship, but this kind of hostility and controlling attitude that your bf is displaying is never a good thing.

February 5, 2015

Here's the thing: I know his behavior is out of line. But to be fair, I might be somewhat at fault too. Friends and others DO sometimes give me a hard time for not texting back quickly enough, not answering my phone, etc.

YOUR cell phone that you pay for is for YOUR convenience, not anyone else's. Never forget that. You don't have to answer it or return calls or texts if you don't want to unless it's an emergency which requires your immediate attention. If someone doesn't like it, they can stop calling you.

Also, with him specifically, at this time I'm so resentful of the distress he causes me with this calling/texting that, at this point, I DO delay calling him back, because I know it will inevitably deal with him getting mad at me (and probably calling again and again to get more upset).

Is this something that happens to other people? I mean, I know calling non-stop is unacceptable, but, like, HOW unacceptable is it? Do other people do this? How can *I* handle the situation better? How can I make it stop?

It is quite unacceptable to blow up someone's phone and then argue with them about not responding. That person would be dropped off at the mall if it was me. The only people who do this are control freaks who have nothing to do with their time but live vicariously through the person they're trying to control.

The way to make it stop is to dump him and block his number. Quite frankly, this would have been over the first time he pulled this on me.

What is the acceptable response time for a text message?

When it's convenient for you to respond back, unless it's an emergency. You are entitled to have a life and to focus on things and people other than this guy who isn't even your boyfriend.

I'm also specifically interested in the practical matter of how other women (or anybody who doesn't carry their cell phones in their pocket) deal with getting (or missing) phonecalls in loud places, at dinners, etc.

I dont' deal with my phone if I'm in loud places or at dinner. I put the ringer on silent and anyone who contacts me will get either a text or a call when it's convenient for me to call/text them. I may check the phone if my friend or date goes to the rest room, but I won't call them or text them til I'm free to do so.

It sounds to me as if he doesn't want you to have fun and enjoy yourself with your friends; he's also interfering with you providing for yourself on your job and on that point alone, you need to block him and get rid of him. Never allow anyone's actions to impact you getting your paycheck.

February 5, 2015

I dated a man like this. Note my use of the past tense. It didn't last long. He is essentially harassing you. It's a control mechanism and a huge indication of insecurity, jealousy and it is emotionally abusive behaviour. it is an absolute dealbreaker in my book.

It isn't your problem to fix. You can't. If it weren't this, it would be something else. All this for a guy who isn't even your boyfriend. Get out now.

February 5, 2015

No one around me does that because I am surrounded by normal people.

If they call and I don't pick up they wait for me to call them back, same with text, and yes even if it takes 3-4 hours or an entire day to get back to them they won't annoy me with constant calls.

I would like to know why you explain yourself to this man or take upon yourself to calm him down!! I would call him back when I see his messages and if he is not calm I would tell him: I am hanging up now and we will talk when you are calm and then hang up. And repeat hanging up till he is addressing you with respect and calmness.

February 5, 2015

You call me 12 times in a short period, somebody better be DYING! That is not a figure of speech -- there better be doctors, ambulances, police something involved. Other wise, we're just through. No Qs asked. No 2nd chances. I really could not tolerate that level of neediness. You call me 40 times -- nope sorry I'm never speaking to you again, ever because you are F'ing insane & I don't need that in my life.

Because you continue to put up with this nonsense, it continues. You teach people how to treat you & you taught him this was OK; he learned that over the last 1.5 years.

IMO, the acceptable response time for a social message is 24 hours.

I called my husband 5 times in about 4 hours once because my father collapsed & was being rushed for emergency brain surgery. Even then I felt like I was pestering my husband.

February 5, 2015

This is abusive type behavior, not normal behavior. Anyone that insecure and jealous, you do not want a future with. This is him just dating you. He'd put a tracker on your phone and car if he got the chance. You should completely jump down this throat about his behavior and put it all on him and then leave him.

February 6, 2015

Thank you so much, everyone, for your insights! I think that you all are right.

I'm not sure why this is so difficult for me.

I think part of me is really bothered by the fact that he doesn't come around and "see the light" here. It's almost as if I'm subconsciously waiting for the point where he wakes up the next day and says, "Oh my god, that was embarrassing and out of line." But that never happens.

In fact, it's the reverse. Not only do I feel like I'm doing something wrong in the moment (his freak outs instantly get under my skin and, even if I don't show it outwardly, it send me into panic mode, no matter how much I try to resist them). But even later, when *I* realize he was out of line, he continues to strongly justify his behavior to me saying "You KNOW how I am...you know my problems with anxiety...you just WANT to make me suffer" (It's true, he suffers from tons of anxiety...and then I feel guilty). It's all as if I've done something terribly wrong.

I also just get frustrated at myself for not being able to "manage" the situation strategically. I beat myself up for letting it get out of hand. I feel that if I handled the situation better (be it by speaking more calmly to him...NEVER picking up his calls...never missing them in the first part...LYING(?!) to him about where I am (NOT my style)... who knows(!)....that I wouldn't have so many nights filled with dire frustration and embarrassment.

I guess the other obstacle for me is that he'll intersperse these craziness episodes with being over the top nice. I'm too quick to push the crazy under the rug and then fall into enjoying the nice. (even though he just holds the nice over my head the next time I miss his calls).

February 6, 2015

He can't see the light because it would take years of therapy for him to address his insecurities, which you didn't cause but he's had for years. So this is a case of him creating his worst fear. Until he realizes that, there's nothing you can do to help him.

February 6, 2015

he suffers from tons of anxiety

and now he's gotten you to suffer from his anxiety too. misery loves company, doesn't it? you've probably gotten only a small taste of what that dark world is like, and you clearly don't like it.

I guess you've reached the point where you've decided whether or not to allow his anxiety to become your problem.

February 6, 2015

I also just get frustrated at myself for not being able to "manage" the situation strategically. I beat myself up for letting it get out of hand. I feel that if I handled the situation better (be it by speaking more calmly to him...NEVER picking up his calls...never missing them in the first part...LYING(?!) to him about where I am (NOT my style)... who knows(!)....that I wouldn't have so many nights filled with dire frustration and embarrassment.

It's a mistake to believe that you can somehow "manage" someone's emotional problems...that if you do A before C, you'll eventually get the desired result and your bf will no longer be a controlling a**hat who goes stir crazy if you don't respond to his 40 texts/calls within minutes. He thinks he's right and is entitled to punish you - nothing you do or say will change that.

I'd suggest ending things with him with one text and then blocking him completely. Expect 500 text/call rants and pleas for a second chance if you don't.

February 6, 2015

Unacceptable and pretty crazy no matter what, and he is not even your boyfriend??? Seems like danger to me.

February 6, 2015

I would have anxiety every time I saw a call or text from him!

He needs to address his anxiety issue, and if he can't control himself with the calls and texts, I'd warn him that in the future, I'd be turning my phone off during my time with my friends and family. Don't let him take that time away from you, you don't deserve to be stalked like that.

February 6, 2015

Yes, he has anxiety but he still has to be accountable for his actions. Why is he expecting you to be at his beck and call? Why does he think it's ok to interrupt the time you're spending with your friends knowing full well where you are? It's rude and disrespectful...and not to mention a HUGE TURN OFF.

You two are not even in a relationship. Why the hell are you dealing with this?

If it were me, I would have nipped that situation in the bud the first time it happened. There is no way I would accept having to deal with someone's neurosis and have them blame it on me.

It's one thing to be patient and help someone as they're working on their issues like anxiety. It's another thing to be expected to deal with someone's intolerable behavior blaming their you and their issues.

Put your foot down. Talking hasn't worked at this point...so perhaps you should consider cutting ties. He doesn't respect you or your time and your space.

Again, you two are not even "together" after 1.5 years of dating...

Sorry, I just don't get it...

February 6, 2015

But even later, when *I* realize he was out of line, he continues to strongly justify his behavior to me saying "You KNOW how I am...you know my problems with anxiety...you just WANT to make me suffer" (It's true, he suffers from tons of anxiety...and then I feel guilty). It's all as if I've done something terribly wrong.

"then you need to go to a doctor and get yourself fixed because I can't do that for you. I'm not going to walk on eggshells because YOU won't rectify your issues. And they are YOUR issues, not mine. Capeech?" is what I would have riposted with.

I guess the other obstacle for me is that he'll intersperse these craziness episodes with being over the top nice. I'm too quick to push the crazy under the rug and then fall into enjoying the nice. (even though he just holds the nice over my head the next time I miss his calls).

This isn't your battle to fight. He's not work he needs to go do on himself.

Tell him to not contact you anymore because you can't help him. Then block him from contacting you. Really--you have to swim to shore and quit trying to save him from drowning. He'll figure it out.

February 6, 2015

Also, with him specifically, at this time I'm so resentful of the distress he causes me with this calling/texting that, at this point, I DO delay calling him back, because I know it will inevitably deal with him getting mad at me (and probably calling again and again to get more upset).
You could try explaining this to him, but he sounds crazy enough to not understand.

Is this something that happens to other people?
No. Not me, anyway.

I mean, I know calling non-stop is unacceptable, but, like, HOW unacceptable is it?
Pretty darn unacceptable to extremely unacceptable.

Do other people do this?
Nobody that I've ever known.

How can *I* handle the situation better?
Tell him that you are busy and that you can't accept phones calls at every second of the day.

How can I make it stop?
You might not be able to, but you could try explaining that you don't answer your phone when you are with other people because you find it to be rude.

What is the acceptable response time for a text message?
For a friend...sometimes I'll hear back right away, sometimes the following week. Or not. Doesn't really matter and I don't really care if I don't get a response. If it's important I'll call.
For me and my girlfriend...maybe 8 hours or so, unless we are busy with something for longer. But we always know what the other is doing, mostly.

I'm also specifically interested in the practical matter of how other women (or anybody who doesn't carry their cell phones in their pocket) deal with getting (or missing) phonecalls in loud places, at dinners, etc.
I'm a man that carries my phone in my pocket. I regularly ignore the vibrating if I'm busy with other people or at dinner or a movie (at movies I put it in airplane mode) or concerts or on a hike. Come to think of it, I should put it in airplane mode more often. It's very convenient.

responses to OP in bold

February 6, 2015

"He's not work he needs to go do on himself."

that should say "He's got work he needs to go do on himself."

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Dealing with BF's repeated calling habits - fights over not calling back soon enough

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