lawgirl79 Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 we have been married 18 years, have two teenage kids together. We separated last year for about 8 months and got back together around four months ago. He had anger issued but is going to counseling and we were trying to work on our relationship. Recently within the past month or so when I say I love him he says it back but not like he means it. He is very distant and when I send him text messages that say "I love you" or "have a nice day" he always just says thx. I don't know what to think. Is he cheating or just wants out of our relationship?
MJJean Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Just being distant after a separation and reunion isn't enough to go on. Are there other signs of an affair? Secretive behavior? Change in habits and routine not explainable by other means? Unexplained time away from home? Anything?
d0nnivain Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Based on what you wrote, there isn't enough info to offer you an opinion one way or the other. Perhaps bring it up in your next counseling session? 1
Author lawgirl79 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 He is self employed, I work about 2 hours away from home. I know he hardly ever works but I don't know what he does when I am at work which is Monday through Friday. We do not share finances, we never put them back together when we split so I don't know if he is spending any extra money. When I offer to go out on the weekends. He never wants to go so it is just me and the kids going alone. He also will only have sex if I initiate it but it is like it is killing him to do it and he only does it because I bitch about it.
Author lawgirl79 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 He is self employed, I work about 2 hours away from home. I know he hardly ever works but I don't know what he does when I am at work which is Monday through Friday. We do not share finances, we never put them back together when we split so I don't know if he is spending any extra money. When I offer to go out on the weekends. He never wants to go so it is just me and the kids going alone. He also will only have sex if I initiate it but it is like it is killing him to do it and he only does it because I bitch about it.
MJJean Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 He is self employed, I work about 2 hours away from home. I know he hardly ever works but I don't know what he does when I am at work which is Monday through Friday. We do not share finances, we never put them back together when we split so I don't know if he is spending any extra money. When I offer to go out on the weekends. He never wants to go so it is just me and the kids going alone. He also will only have sex if I initiate it but it is like it is killing him to do it and he only does it because I bitch about it. That could be anything. Maybe he is distant for reasons other than cheating. Are you suspicious because you're looking for a reason for his distance or are you suspicious because your spidey senses are tingling? If your instincts are screaming something's wrong you could always install a keylogger on his computer and phone. Some even allow the data to be sent to email so you don't have to get to the device to look. You could also access his cell bill online and check over the numbers he calls when you're away. See if any are repeated often enough to be a concern. Then do a reverse look-up and see what you find.
whichwayisup Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 we have been married 18 years, have two teenage kids together. We separated last year for about 8 months and got back together around four months ago. He had anger issued but is going to counseling and we were trying to work on our relationship. Recently within the past month or so when I say I love him he says it back but not like he means it. He is very distant and when I send him text messages that say "I love you" or "have a nice day" he always just says thx. I don't know what to think. Is he cheating or just wants out of our relationship? Ask him directly! Unless you hire a PI to follow him around when you're at work, there's no way of knowing what he does or where he goes when you're not home. Doesn't sound like much of a marriage. He's not making any effort and you two aren't connecting emotionally, he won't initiate sex. You're trying but he isn't. The only good thing is, (hopefully he actually IS going!) he's seeking help for his anger issues. Have you thought about marriage counseling?
hoping2heal Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 How much fun do you two have together? Laughing and being playful, joking around, etc.?
Friskyone4u Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Law girl Not enough real specifics but if you read about it the first thing that men want out of a relationship is SEX. If he does not want to have sex with you there is a reason. It could be medical or emotional. I don't think you mentioned if your split up was due to infidelity. If it was NOT, then you need to directly ask him what is going on. There are things you can do to snoop if you believe he is seeing someone. When you two were split up I assume you slept with other people. He may be doing that still or he may be upset because he is having mind movies of you and another man if he knows about it At any rate sweeping it under the rug is not going to help. He might have reconciled for the kids. One thing you should do is " trust your gut", There is obviously a problem.
Author lawgirl79 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 We tried marriage counseling right before we split up. It didn't help much. We separated because he is very controlling, demanding, emotionally abusive. He has rages that are out of control and he was physically abusive up until about 8 years ago. When we split he said he really missed me and wanted me back and agreed to go to anger management, we started slow by dating and everything seemed fine so about a month into dating I let him move back in. He is now headed towards his old self, starting to say mean things, not to the extent he was but still. He even has slacked off working. He has never been able to hold down a job which was another issue we had. I work my ass off to provide for what we need while he sits home. He has been fired from 5 jobs in the past three years and now he is a self employed contractor but maybe only goes to work once a week. He is now always saying he is sick, and cant go to work. Because of my long hours at work, I cant tell if he is sick or not. He is in bed when I leave. I don't know why I feel he is cheating. He has never been distant and lacking in the sexual department until recently. Even when we weren't getting along our sex life was always good. We are sexually compatible but on an everyday, communicating basis...not so much. I am a very sexual person so that is top on my list. He use to be that way but like I said before, now its only because I bitch about it. Sex now is so routine, I hate it. I still need it and I don't want to cheat so I ask for it from him. I just thought maybe he was cheating or just wanted to bail from it all because of distance and lack of sex. I don't really know if he is cheating and I don't have any reason to believe he is.. I am just looking for answers and for some reason in my mind cheating is the most logical. Idk why
Author lawgirl79 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 Friskyone4u: I don't know if he slept with anyone while we were separated. I know I didn't. I did date on a regular basis but I am not the kind of person to jump into bed with just anyone because of some child hood experiences I went through. I can say, not to be mean, he is not the most attractive man, even though I love him. He has let himself go. He stated that when we were separated he could not find someone he wanted to go out with or that was as pretty as I am. I don't know how true that is.
Lokin4AReason Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 reading the few hiccups in the road ( that you had ), sounds like that he lost interest and using out the situation. support ( as financial, roof over his head and not keeping a stable job ), and the indoor activities its never the same after separation and that temper isn't helping either now you really have to like sit down w/ yourself and decide. if you can put up w/ this now and the coming future .... everyone has their moment(s) ( at when name tagging goes ) and it can be for any reason. its just one person cant be committed if the other one isn't willing to the same. its really to put in a 110% at when the other puts in 20%. and plus the lack of communication between you too is killing it also ..... I am sorry to say that and I can relate ( soon to be X wife ) it ll drive you insane ( as in thinking all the time ) are they doing this or that. trust me, you seem like a smart and intelligent individual, you do not need that in your life ...... again this is my opinion ... and I can be wrong. 1
Confused48 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 (edited) He has never been distant and lacking in the sexual department until recently. Even when we weren't getting along our sex life was always good. We are sexually compatible but on an everyday, communicating basis...not so much. I am a very sexual person so that is top on my list. He use to be that way but like I said before, now its only because I bitch about it. Sex now is so routine, I hate it. I still need it and I don't want to cheat so I ask for it from him. If he has always been highly sexual and suddenly is not, I'd suspect cheating too. You can't just turn off that kind of libido. I have it to so I know what you mean and more importantly, you know what you mean. Don't doubt your self. Do look into if maybe he has some new physical problem, illness, injury, etc. Does he have a new found love of porn? Or did you suddenly gain a bunch of weight or is there some other physical change that would turn him off? If there is no other explanation, I think you and anyone with a high libido is going to assume he is getting his needs met somewhere else. You can't just turn that need off. Like you said above, for people with high sexual needs, even severe emotional strife does not stop the need. The detached way of making love is also a warning sign. Cheaters often want to be "faithful" to their new love. So the cheater, when "forced" to make love to their spouse makes sure to try to not enjoy it. Edited February 6, 2015 by Confused48
Author lawgirl79 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 I have not changed, gained weight, etc. I am still my size 8, 5ft 5 long blonde hair girl. He should be happy with me considering he is 303 lbs. He has gained so much weight since we met. I am okay with that because I love him. Even if I changed physically I would think if he loved me he would still be accepting of me like I am to him. I may have to check out of this relationship. I feel used, unwanted and very lonely. I have a good head on my shoulders and the only reason I am trying to keep this relationship together is because marriage is very important to me. 1
redtail Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 the first thing that men want out of a relationship is SEX. Not the first thing! Okay... yeah, maybe the first thing, but not the only thing! OP, yes, talking is good, get it out in the open with your husband!
Poppygoodwill Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 I think his distance might be a sign that he's not genuinely interested in being together again. That he's trying it on, and finding himself unhappy. Then again, he might just be reverting to his 'normal' self, as you describe him. Or he might have someone on the side. You need to find a way to bring it up in marriage counseling. Even if eveyrone has the best of intentions, trying to pull together a marriage that has broken down is a whole lot of work and energy, so no surprise that there will be bumps and it will be difficult. On another note, to summarize: he's let himself go and weighs over 300 pounds he has been physically abusive to you he continues to be emotionally/verbally (?) hurtful/abusive he has rages that no doubt put you on eggshells all the time he can't hold down a job you are the main breadwinner without his support he is presently seeming indifferent to your commitment to try to make things work.... why ARE you with him?
Hope Shimmers Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 Wow. I've read this whole thread and am surprised that no one has come up with what the problem is with this man. He lacks self-confidence. He does not think he deserves to be with you. He cannot "compete" with you in terms of employment, looks, career, etc. He doesn't respect himself and doesn't feel attractive. He knows that you are more attractive than he is and that you take better care of yourself and that he could "lose" you to someone else. He knows that in any given second you would be "justified" to leave. He isn't cheating - he doesn't have the self-confidence to do that. He is looking at his life, and looking at you, and waiting to see when you will wake up and leave him because he knows he's not "worthy". See this post from another reply (different conclusion overall than I have, but I think these are relevant): On another note, to summarize: he's let himself go and weighs over 300 pounds he has been physically abusive to you he continues to be emotionally/verbally (?) hurtful/abusive he has rages that no doubt put you on eggshells all the time he can't hold down a job you are the main breadwinner without his support he is presently seeming indifferent to your commitment to try to make things work.... why ARE you with him? If you want to be with him, then I think you will need to reach out to him - somehow - about the fact that he is pulling away from you because he feels he does not deserve you. You can try to address that through counseling (just you, or both of you). But at least you will know the reason. For me that is the reason that screams out in this thread. He doesn't think he deserves you. 2
harrybrown Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 I agree, he has no self-esteem, and it does seem like he is in a major depression. He has to get the desire to fix this, you can't make him. Do you have a key logger on his computer? Is he looking at porn all day? I do hope he gets some counseling, but it has to come from inside himself. One of my friends was huge, but he is now a workout nut. But it is good, the weight is way down and he may have to have some skin work, but he is doing better. I just do not know how to get him motivated. If you can figure out a way, then go for it. I was going to suggest some sex, but you are the one doing the work there. good luck.
Downtown Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 (edited) Lawgirl, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I agree with Hope and Harry that you are describing a man having very low self esteem.He is very controlling, demanding, emotionally abusive. He has rages that are out of control.The behaviors you describe -- i.e., low self esteem, always being "The Victim," controlling behavior, verbal and physical abuse, lack of impulse control, lack of empathy, and temper tantrums -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and, to a lesser extent, NPD (Narcissistic PD). He was physically abusive up until about 8 years ago.The physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a more recent 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD. He has been fired from 5 jobs in the past three years.... He is now always saying he is sick, and cant go to work.If your H has strong BPD traits, this behavior is not surprising. One of the hallmarks of BPDers is their false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." We tried marriage counseling right before we split up. It didn't help much.If he is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), I would be surprised if it helped at all. My experience is that MC usually is a total waste of time with BPDers until they've had several years of intensive individual therapy to address their more serious underlying issues. Although MCs can be excellent at teaching how to improve communication, a BPDer's issues go far beyond a simple lack of communication skills. I am just looking for answers.Of course, you are not capable of diagnosing your H. Only a professional can do that. I therefore suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you and your teens are dealing with. Although you cannot diagnose him, you nonetheless are fully capable of spotting the red flags for BPD and NPD if you take a little time to learn what warning signs to look for. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about physical abuse, temper tantrums, and very controlling behavior. I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Lawgirl. Edited February 7, 2015 by Downtown 1
Mal78 Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 Separation for 8 months and then reconciliation where there is no effort or desire to work on never going through a separation again or Divorce? For the information provided it doesn't matter if he is having a A (of course it does, you are still married) it sounds like he is done. His distance in every aspect after separation speaks volumes. When things don't get better after a long separation and reconciliation it means it's "time". How many more years do you want to do this dance?
aliveagain Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 It would be very difficult to come to the conclusion that your husband is cheating based on what you have posted. What is apparent is his lack of investment in your marriage. Perhaps you should very strongly consider having him assessed by a professional, there may be FOO issues that have never been dealt with. 1
elaine567 Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 I guess he is depressed. He has low self esteem and made himself feel better by abusing you, that gave him some control and made him feel better about himself. He had jobs which made him feel a bit better, but i guess self sabotaged them and mucked them up and now works sporadically as a contractor. He has no control of the work apart from NOT going to the jobs he has lined up. I guess he spends hours on the computer or watching TV when you are not at home. As you now have little sex life, he is probably a porn addict or his depression is affecting his libido, or he is punishing you for taking away his control, by outing his abuse issues, by going to MC and the separation. Of course you couldn't put up with the abuse, but he will see it as a direct attack on him as a person. Who hits their wife? Scum. I am scum... He now knows if he wants to keep you he has to be good, but being good doesn't help him feel better. His already low self esteem, no doubt got lower. He has put on a lot of weight which will make him feel inadequate too. My money is on depression, get him to see a GP. He will see himself as a fat, no hoper who cannot even provide for his family. He, I am sure sits all day doing nothing but feel sorry for himself and he will be raging against the world, as it is all not fair. Exercise, Antidepressants and therapy are needed here. Hopefully he can work out his deeper issues with the therapist.
mikethemechanic Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 When people lack info they make up information don't think this lady has much to go on. Sounds to me that she's married to super loser.
TexasMan68 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Sounds like he's spending way to much time at home. Check his computer, his lack of interest in sex is most likely due to spending too much time jerking off to porn.
Recommended Posts