Head Scratcher

[pheonixrisen]

Hi ...I will put my story up soon ..I just came across something that left me scratching my head a bit and wanted some opinion

 

Short back story : it's 3 years since dday ..We are in R ..We have good days and bad days but are committed to make it through ..my h 18 month affair came as a complete shock to me 3 years ago , I am one of those rare cases I did not have a clue , his attitude towards me never changed during his affair.it was by accident that I caught it 18 month 17 days to dday ...I asked him to leave immediately and asked for d ..He said he did not want a divorce blah blah ..followed by all things that W's do as result of dday. ..to this day he has always maintained the affair was a means to an end with proof and that leaving me was never an option he considered even though that's what, what he promised ...The affair has long since been over everything is open his time always accountable for .

 

So here is the head scratcher ...Every 4 to 6 months I check on things quietly ..not because I am afraid he is having an affair (he already showed me he is capable) I check because I don't want to be played for a fool for another 2 years....I found L'S almost a month ago and reading so many stories made me relive my h affair ...so I started checking he is clean .so I checked her ..During the affair she tattooed my h initial on her wrist my h mentioned this to me and told me one day during lunch she surprised him with it .He said even though it was ego stroking it was when he realised this is getting bigger than him and he needs to round it off.he did not get the choice as dday was a month later ...my h has 2 tattoos both dedicated to me my name and my date of birth ...Both tattoos you cannot miss ..

 

Any way as I mentioned I was checking her and her cover photo is of her wrist with my h initial clearly showing and on top of that she is wearing a band with her initials on it ...so what you see is my h tattooed initial on her wrist and her initial on a wrist band with exclamation mark ...It kind of left me scratching my head ..wouldn't you want to hide something like that after being cast aside instead of displaying it...on a public forum where everybody knows on her side she was having an affair with mm who stayed with his wife

 

What do you think ? Should I dig more or see it as someone screaming for my h attention all on her own .

 

We are doing good ..and just had a baby .we are committed to us and our marriage is better than before the affair we are stronger and more open with our communication I believe there is nothing from him ..Thank you for reading

Edited February 5, 2015 by pheonixrisen
to add

[Matilda75]

You come across as smart and thoughtful, so I'd be inclined to say 'trust your gut.' You mentioned you saw little change in your marriage while your husband was involved with the OW. So it makes sense that your wondering if things are as they appear to be.

 

The OW's behavior does sound odd. The tatoo and the posing are worrisome. Perhaps you have other clues about her character to suggest she may be immature or emotionally unstable? This would fit in with why your husband was moving away from her prior to dday.

 

Perhaps she is living in fantasyland, or maybe trying to provoke a break in your marriage. Keep an open mind on the off chance something is up (could she be pregnant?) and keep asking questions. Hopefully this natural period of doubt will pass without further incident.

[fellini]

Mirror mirror on the wall. Same story here. We are only 18 months DDay however. EVERYTHING SCREAMS he is gone. But this is only a one-sided truth. Seems your H's AP is just like my WW's AP: It's over for the spouse, but not exactly over for the AP. And there is nothing either of us can do about this.

 

In fact just yesterday my WW received her first email from AP since NC. But it turned out to be an auto invite (or not) from his mailing list to a "social network" for people seeking people. You get the idea. So she called me and said - "look, I have an email in my inbox from "trouble" (our codename for him vis a vis Taylor Swift song) but I haven't looked at it. Will you take care of it? So I know it seems like hell, but I have to live with the fact that my WW's AP wants her back, and is willing to wait for her (at least perhaps until he successfully finds someone in his online network) but this in no way reflects her, the choices she is making now after dday, after a fully functioning NC, and a rocky but working reconciliation.

 

I'd say try not to visit this woman's profile page. She is doing what she has to do to make herself feel better. Having sex with another woman's husband explains that sometimes she makes inexplicable choices.

 

Congrats on 3 years. Always good to hear that there is life after death!

 

Hugs

 

Hi ...I will put my story up soon ..I just came across something that left me scratching my head a bit and wanted some opinion

 

Short back story : it's 3 years since dday ..We are in R ..We have good days and bad days but are committed to make it through ..my h 18 month affair came as a complete shock to me 3 years ago , I am one of those rare cases I did not have a clue , his attitude towards me never changed during his affair.it was by accident that I caught it 18 month 17 days to dday ...I asked him to leave immediately and asked for d ..He said he did not want a divorce blah blah ..followed by all things that W's do as result of dday. ..to this day he has always maintained the affair was a means to an end with proof and that leaving me was never an option he considered even though that's what, what he promised ...The affair has long since been over everything is open his time always accountable for .

 

So here is the head scratcher ...Every 4 to 6 months I check on things quietly ..not because I am afraid he is having an affair (he already showed me he is capable) I check because I don't want to be played for a fool for another 2 years....I found L'S almost a month ago and reading so many stories made me relive my h affair ...so I started checking he is clean .so I checked her ..During the affair she tattooed my h initial on her wrist my h mentioned this to me and told me one day during lunch she surprised him with it .He said even though it was ego stroking it was when he realised this is getting bigger than him and he needs to round it off.he did not get the choice as dday was a month later ...my h has 2 tattoos both dedicated to me my name and my date of birth ...Both tattoos you cannot miss ..

 

Any way as I mentioned I was checking her and her cover photo is of her wrist with my h initial clearly showing and on top of that she is wearing a band with her initials on it ...so what you see is my h tattooed initial on her wrist and her initial on a wrist band with exclamation mark ...It kind of left me scratching my head ..wouldn't you want to hide something like that after being cast aside instead of displaying it...on a public forum where everybody knows on her side she was having an affair with mm who stayed with his wife

 

What do you think ? Should I dig more or see it as someone screaming for my h attention all on her own .

 

We are doing good ..and just had a baby .we are committed to us and our marriage is better than before the affair we are stronger and more open with our communication I believe there is nothing from him ..Thank you for reading

[pheonixrisen]

You come across as smart and thoughtful, so I'd be inclined to say 'trust your gut.' You mentioned you saw little change in your marriage while your husband was involved with the OW. So it makes sense that your wondering if things are as they appear to be.

 

The OW's behavior does sound odd. The tatoo and the posing are worrisome. Perhaps you have other clues about her character to suggest she may be immature or emotionally unstable? This would fit in with why your husband was moving away from her prior to dday.

 

Perhaps she is living in fantasyland, or maybe trying to provoke a break in your marriage. Keep an open mind on the off chance something is up (could she be pregnant?) and keep asking questions. Hopefully this natural period of doubt will pass without further incident.

 

Thank you for your response .

 

I saw the behaviour as odd as well posting this after 3 years.

 

I don't know if she is unstable or immature ...but I do believe she has emotional issues especially when you involve yourself with mm.plus she is older and h said with many failed relationship that has damaged her.

 

My h did say he was moving away coz he could not keep up with the pretence as she was asking him to get a divorce and got a tattoo of him and was pressuring him to meet with friends and family (she had not met with any common friends or family )..He also said she believes he is the love of her life.

And was madly in love with him and would do anything for him.

However as far as I am concerned the above are just his words because I will never know if that was his actual plan as I caught it ..before he ended it

 

Well it's 3 years since dday the affair ended on that day ...def not pregnant not at least by my h.

 

It could be ...that she thinks my h is watching and is screaming for his attention this way ....as all our numbers have been changed ....There is no other way she can find him ...as he works from home now.

Edited February 5, 2015 by pheonixrisen

[MJJean]

I'd believe what your husband said.

 

He was having an affair with no intention of leaving you.

 

She was having a relationship she thought was going somewhere. She wanted him to meet friends and family. She got his initial tattooed on her. She is still showing it off. So, yeah, I'd buy she thinks he's the love of her life.

 

He may have been future faking here and there, but that doesn't change the fact that he ended the affair after D-day and has maintained NC. A normal woman would have moved on a long time ago. She has issues and those should in no way reflect on your H unless you have reason to believe he has been in touch with her.

[pheonixrisen]

Mirror mirror on the wall. Same story here. We are only 18 months DDay however. EVERYTHING SCREAMS he is gone. But this is only a one-sided truth. Seems your H's AP is just like my WW's AP: It's over for the spouse, but not exactly over for the AP. And there is nothing either of us can do about this.

 

In fact just yesterday my WW received her first email from AP since NC. But it turned out to be an auto invite (or not) from his mailing list to a "social network" for people seeking people. You get the idea. So she called me and said - "look, I have an email in my inbox from "trouble" (our codename for him vis a vis Taylor Swift song) but I haven't looked at it. Will you take care of it? So I know it seems like hell, but I have to live with the fact that my WW's AP wants her back, and is willing to wait for her (at least perhaps until he successfully finds someone in his online network) but this in no way reflects her, the choices she is making now after dday, after a fully functioning NC, and a rocky but working reconciliation.

 

I'd say try not to visit this woman's profile page. She is doing what she has to do to make herself feel better. Having sex with another woman's husband explains that sometimes she makes inexplicable choices.

 

Congrats on 3 years. Always good to hear that there is life after death!

 

Hugs

 

thank fellini your post made me feel better.and congrats on 18 months ..This is tough but you know the saying go hard or go home and I feel if both partners are equally committed and fighting towards a common goal we will come out the winner .

 

Sorry to hear you need to deal with douche bag emails ..I also do believe my h ap will wait for hhim she was madly in love with him ...my h also told me a couple of months ago he found out from friends that a girl was randomly connecting with people (within his community )asking for him and he thinks its her and calling my colleagues from my old work place asking for me.

 

I don't check her profile often just maybe once in 6 months but I know i should not and have already decided no more...

[dichotomy]

 

1) So here is the head scratcher ...Every 4 to 6 months I check on things quietly ..not because I am afraid he is having an affair (he already showed me he is capable) I check because I don't want to be played for a fool for another 2 years....

 

2) It kind of left me scratching my head ..wouldn't you want to hide something like that after being cast aside instead of displaying it...on a public forum where everybody knows on her side she was having an affair with mm who stayed with his wife

 

3) What do you think ? Should I dig more or see it as someone screaming for my h attention all on her own .

 

1) Not a head scratcher at all. I do/did the checking up - the same thing for the same reason. Quite normal even years later.

 

2) One thing I found several years after dDay was that while WS did not communicate with OM, he did try for a while to reachout to her. He kept at it. I think because he enjoyed the pursuit, it was all fun for him. He used various methods - including a metal friend. So again I dont see this as a head scratcher - AP (man or woman) can still attempt to have some connection (even if in their mind or virtually on social media) to their married partner. Most AP have some mental/emotional/character defect anyway to cheat with a married person. They did not have a dDay, so perhaps they have not had to face things, and so it continues on in them.

 

3) Continue to keep an eye out on both from time to time. Fool me once shame on you....fool me twice...

Edited February 5, 2015 by dichotomy

[pheonixrisen]

I'd believe what your husband said.

 

He was having an affair with no intention of leaving you.

 

She was having a relationship she thought was going somewhere. She wanted him to meet friends and family. She got his initial tattooed on her. She is still showing it off. So, yeah, I'd buy she thinks he's the love of her life.

 

He may have been future faking here and there, but that doesn't change the fact that he ended the affair after D-day and has maintained NC. A normal woman would have moved on a long time ago. She has issues and those should in no way reflect on your H unless you have reason to believe he has been in touch with her.

 

Yes my h did say he promised her a future together ..He said he needed something and said things that he knew she wanted to hear ..

 

When I saw The pic I checked him first and then asked him if there was anything I should be worried about I did not mention the pic or the fact I already checked ...He gave me his phone and his car keys ..and said I can check when ever I want he does not have anything to hide ..

 

I don't have any reason to believe he is in contact with her.

 

Thank you ..I think this was just on her part .moving forward.

[Be_Strong]

Don't feel guilty about checking up on your husband. You are simply taking reasonable precautions to protect yourself against further betrayal. Like you, I was completely blindsided when I accidentally discovered my WW's affair. I was the type of husband that trusted his wife 100% and thought it was disrespectful to snoop or check up on my wife. She wasn't good about covering her tracks, so in the 18 months of her affair it would have just taken the slightest bit of snooping for me to discover the affair.

 

Even now after the affair, I still get those old feelings of guilt when I snoop on my wife. But I push those feelings to the side and do what is necessary to protect myself.

 

A BS really needs to follow the old advice, "trust but verify." The ways you check up on your spouse need to be creative and adaptive. Because if he is back to cheating, trust me, he will have adapted and become better at hiding it from you. My rule of thumb is that any form of verification that is offered up freely by a WS is worthless. So if my WW offers to let me look at her phone, I don't feel satisfied looking at her phone, because if she is cheating she'll have simply figured out how to keep any relevant information about the cheating off the phone she is offering to me. All your snooping needs to be done without your WS's knowledge. It sucks that you have to put yourself in kind of an adversarial role with your spouse that you are trying to reconcile with, but it is a necessary evil.

[snappytomcat]

my husbands XOW,is very unstable so unstable I had to take legal action against her,she even threatened my kids,good thing she lives on opposite coast.

it will be 2 years in june since dday,and I no longer find the need to look at her fb page,shes just disgusting to me not just for what she did but how she acted afterwards,and well not attractive at all,but about 7 months ago was the last time I checked her page,and she still had a pic of her and my husband as her profile pic,it did bother me but it is what it is,i pity her a little for still carrying a torch.

I do wish her well as a fellow human being,but I never want to hear from her,or see a pic of her again.

congrats on your baby,and your healing

[pheonixrisen]

Don't feel guilty about checking up on your husband. You are simply taking reasonable precautions to protect yourself against further betrayal. Like you, I was completely blindsided when I accidentally discovered my WW's affair. I was the type of husband that trusted his wife 100% and thought it was disrespectful to snoop or check up on my wife. She wasn't good about covering her tracks, so in the 18 months of her affair it would have just taken the slightest bit of snooping for me to discover the affair.

 

Even now after the affair, I still get those old feelings of guilt when I snoop on my wife. But I push those feelings to the side and do what is necessary to protect myself.

 

A BS really needs to follow the old advice, "trust but verify." The ways you check up on your spouse need to be creative and adaptive. Because if he is back to cheating, trust me, he will have adapted and become better at hiding it from you. My rule of thumb is that any form of verification that is offered up freely by a WS is worthless. So if my WW offers to let me look at her phone, I don't feel satisfied looking at her phone, because if she is cheating she'll have simply figured out how to keep any relevant information about the cheating off the phone she is offering to me. All your snooping needs to be done without your WS's knowledge. It sucks that you have to put yourself in kind of an adversarial role with your spouse that you are trying to reconcile with, but it is a necessary evil.

 

I don't feel guilty checking on my h.i did not bring this in our life he did if anyone should feel guilty it should be him...what I feel is anger and it bothers my pride ....anger that he put me in this position where I need to spend my energy checking on him and my pride get affected that I have become this person who snoops on him as I don't like being the snoopy person but yes I know its a necessary evil to protect my self.

[dichotomy]

I don't feel guilty checking on my h.i did not bring this in our life he did if anyone should feel guilty it should be him...what I feel is anger and it bothers my pride ....anger that he put me in this position where I need to spend my energy checking on him and my pride get affected that I have become this person who snoops on him as I don't like being the snoopy person but yes I know its a necessary evil to protect my self.

 

 

After a while you get over that - and its the equivalent of checking your bank or credit card balance ...or a regular visit to the doctor to for a check up on an old health issue you had or have but has not bothered you recently. Just another thing you check on - to make sure you its good and your not facing any troubles.