Is she good for me?

[pursuitofhappiness]

I have been dating this girl for a some months now and I have been learning things every step of the way. Some of these are making me wonder if she is a good girl for me to be with.

 

Before me, she was an occasional stoner but used to smoke all day every day. I am a very clean guy and she says she hasn't smoked since I've asked her not to, but she probably will in the future only on special occasions (I believe her). But almost everyone at her work smokes, including some of the people she is closest to there. Her sister used to be a stoner, her roommate is, and her brother used to be also. Her father is even a smoker (I'll tough up on the parents in a bit). And when I say smoke here, I don't mean cigarettes. She has also mentioned how she's curious about other drugs but that she probably won't try some but others she might. Again, I ward against this kind of stuff. Now these things don't come up all the time. She's not one that has drugs on her mind 24/7, but when it comes up, it worries me.

 

Her dad is also almost an alcoholic. She really enjoys drinking. Her sister and her sisters boyfriend also. Alcohol is a pretty big deal to them, but she doesn't really drink too much anymore. I'm fine with going out for a drink, but if her sister drinks, she gets drunk. When my girlfriend drinks, she's not falling over, but gets really horny, and that does worry me since I know she likes to go out drinking with her sister when she gets the chance. She's told me, for example, the last time she went out drinking, a guy went to hit on her but she didn't hit back and he was old. So idk, just worries me too. She's thrown herself onto me before when we've been drinking. And she did grab my hand and try to kiss me before I had left my ex. I didn't kiss her or anything, but she knew I had a gf at the time.

 

Also, related to that, I was already in the process of breaking up with my ex when I met my current gf, but I was careful not to flirt. I did enjoy her friendship though and she was completely ok with trying to advance things with us without even knowing I was planning on breaking up with my ex (It was for reasons other than my current girlfriend). And a bit after I broke up with my ex, I hung out with my current girlfriend and we made out. Afterwards she asked what was up with my girlfriend. She didn't know that we had broken up (I though that our mutual friend had told her, but he didn't).

 

She used to not really focus on school (Both of us are in college), but I have been encouraging her to try harder at everything she does and I really have seen a change, but with the semester starting up, I find myself needing to push her some more to keep her from skipping and ignoring homework. But she is putting in effort. She doesn't really have any plans though. Just to get a degree. I, on the other hand, try very very hard and have a generally more hard working attitude towards things and have a plan.

 

Now, her parents are something else. Neither are employed. They are on food stamps and are not trying to get a job because the father refuses to work for someone and is discouraging to the mom who doesn't really care to work anyways. They want this small business that they have at their home to take off, but it hasn't in a decade of minimal effort from them and, I won't go into the details, but it's not going to take off period. They also depend on my girlfriends paychecks to pay the bills. They have been this way for a long time and have put their children through hell because of it. They obviously love their children but have no intention to do what it takes to give them a secure future. And I won't go into many more details, but I will say that the parents are not very respectable people, arguably very crummy people.

 

Now the sister. The sister is older but sets a very bad example. She lives with her boyfriend, who is a stoner who plays video games about 80% of the time that he is awake. She watches TV every second she is home, which is also, about 80% of her time awake. They too are on food stamps, but they are going to school and the sister has a part time job while the boyfriend just landed one, but they are just about to graduate at ages 25 and 31 respectively after both dropping out when they moved in together.

 

My girlfriend has a world of sympathy for her parents and her sisters/sisters boyfriends situation, despite their refusal to do what it takes to pull them selves out of their situation (but now the sister and boyfriend are finally acting on their situation). I simply worry that the life I want to live will be hindered by my girlfriends views and tendencies that I feel, despite not showing like they were when I met her, are still in her and will come out again one day. Another thing that bothers me, is that she had a bit of a promiscuous period in the couple of years leading up to me meeting her. She even had an F-Buddy that she admitted to. She did, however, break things off with him since she wanted a real relationship and then went with one or two guys after that trying to start something with them. But things for each of them didn't last but less than a month to maybe two months. I have been with her for just a few months shy of a year (I am actually the first guy since she was in early high school to ask her out. The other guys were kind of flings she says) and have not had sex with her, while she did sleep with all the guys before me. She really does respect that I want to wait. Not till marriage, but still wait. We do have foreplay however. Just not official sex.

 

Now I should say the positives about her. We really hit things off. We are like best friends and all of our friends see it. We always have a great time together. I do feel that she is working a lot harder and has cleaned up a ton since I met her. She is really sweet to me and does put a bunch of effort into the relationship. She is beautiful to me. The sexual chemistry (despite us waiting for sex) is fantastic. We both love each others bodies and things really are great in every way with that. I really do feel that she is dedicated to me. Whenever we have issues, we get over them and it's like it didn't happen. Music is a huge part of both of our lives and we both share the same taste in music. We both love to travel. All the little things line up. When I'm with her, it's like there is no world outside of us. It's great.

 

So, basically what I'm worried about is the future. I know things are great right now, but when it's time to settle down and get my life in place, I worry that ours won't line up. What I want out of life is to put in hard hard work and enjoy what comes with it. Her mentality is more id directed. She focuses on the leisure and the effort has to be able to fit around her down time. She has told me before that she is thankful for me being a positive influence and that I really helped her want to try harder in life and see the beauty in the things around us as they are. And I do feel like I've influenced her. I'm not trying to talk myself up though. I am at the age where I really need to start thinking about laying all the pieces into place and getting things right.

 

I know I may have sounded a bit harsh or like a jerk through this, but I'm just trying to be as open and clear about everything as possible.

 

What do you guys think about the situation?

Edited February 5, 2015 by pursuitofhappiness

[pursuitofhappiness]

Any responses are appreciated.

I'm just looking for some views from different people or advice from people who have been in a similar situation.

[Gaeta]

Do you think you can live with her the way she is now, build a home and have children with the women currently in front of you? With her liking for drugs and alcohol, her lack of ambition, her distaste for efforts?

 

See, the fact you are buddies and have a great time together is fun now that you date and have no other responsibilities but once you live together, once you have common financial responsibilities to face, schedule to respect, children to get up for in the middle of the night, will she be able to pull her own weight through it all and be a real fully committed hard-working life partner?

 

Yes she has made some progress lately but that is because of you pushing her for it. Do you wanna have to push her all of your life for her to accomplish what normal people accomplish on their own will?

[mightycpa]

You've only just begun to see the incompatibilities.

 

You're from two different planets and what you're likely to experience is that if she stays at home to raise your kids, she won't strive to make your home a better place to your satisfaction. Similarly, if she works, she won't strive there either, and you're going to be dissatisfied.

 

Go get yourself a nice yuppie girl who can be the woman behind her man, or your equal partner in the 'making our lives better' effort.

 

And don't get me started on the example her family will provide to your children. If you both die, who will you leave them with? The food stampers or the stoner?

 

You know what I'm talking about.

[pursuitofhappiness]

@Gaeta

That last sentence struck me. I never really thought of it that way.

She is acting more mature and all, but I worry that it's just because of me and not her doing it for herself. I know she really likes me, and I really like her, so I am worried that since she knows how I am, she is trying to be that. The thing is though, she is a pretty strong willed person in that she doesn't seem like she would simply change for someone else.

 

I would like for her to be making the progress because SHE wants it. I feel that that is why. But could I just be trying to see things in a bright way because of the feelings I have for her?

 

@mightycpa

I know what you mean. And by all means, I don't mean to be talking her family or her down. I'm just trying to be as straight forward as possible with it all.

And about the children part. I do worry that if we were to have kids (Not like I'm coming up with names and all, it's just something that I know is important), she would want them to be around her parents a lot. She really seems to respect and look up to her parents. And not that she shouldn't respect them, but they are very bad role models and set up a very bad atmosphere for a developing child who is learning how to act and what is right and wrong.

On another note, I'm not saying I need things to be the way I want them. I just want things to be reasonable. I don't consider unemployment and food stamps to be factors of a reasonable lifestyle. If someone works their a$$ off to try to improve their situation while needing food stamps temporarily simply because they just couldn't get a break, I understand. But the mentality that as long as you're staying alive, whatever effort you are exerting is enough is simply a bad mentality. Which is what her parents seem to have raised their kids with.

I don't want to seem like I think I'm too good for anyone. I know I'm not too good for anyone. But I have these standards and if they come off as mean or unreasonable, I'd like to know. I feel almost bad for starting this thread, but it's something that genuinely concerns me.

[Satu]

You mean well, but you're showing signs of slipping into 'parent mode' with her because she acts like a child sometimes.

 

You can't really be a parent and a boyfriend at the same time. Not happily so, anyway.

 

She needs to set her own boundaries and limits and stick to them herself.

 

To be blunt, she needs to grow up a bit.

 

I don't mean to be nasty in saying that, because we all learn as we go.

 

Maybe she could be a bit more serious, and you a little bit less serious, so that you can meet in the middle

[pursuitofhappiness]

@Satu

The thing is, it's not like I'm always drilling her and being real strict. I am a particularly relaxed guy (as backwards as that may sound), but I just prioritize differently. I do give her plenty of room to be her own person and make her own decisions. I told her all my views on all these things. I also told her that I won't force her or prevent her with anything she does. I made it clear to her that I don't want her to feel like I am stopping her from doing anything or making her do anything.

 

I'm not strict with her in any way. I simply encourage or try to help. Sometimes she feels stressed and I say things are alright and that it'll all be worth it.

Another example of how I am with her is one night we went out drinking and she was already stumbling a bit and had work the next day so I told her before she ordered another drink that I think she had enough (She was already hung over that morning). She thanked me the next day.

And another example, last semester, she didn't like the fact that she had online homework and simply decided to not do any of it and take a whole letter grade drop. I told her she should do that. She still did that and told me she regrets it since she has to retake it now.

She also wanted to just cut class in a class that the professor takes off points for not showing up. I told her bad idea and then she said I was annoying. I said "Ok, I was just telling you. I won't bug you anymore". She said "No wait, it's ok, I'm sorry".

I also encouraged her not to smoke since she needs to bring up her gpa.

 

I pretty much covered every single thing that has happened in terms of my (guidance?) towards her in the past (almost) year.

 

And I'm not trying to be confrontational with this in anyway, but is that being too much of a parent to her or is that the guidance that a boyfriend should offer his girlfriend?

 

I don't think I'm too tough on her. Tell me if I am tough though.

 

She actually asks me for advice on what she should do to get her parents to actually get their lives together.

Edited February 6, 2015 by pursuitofhappiness

[mightycpa]

You know what? It's not about if you're right or wrong. It's really about whether you're right or wrong for you.

 

Even if you're the most horrible person in the world because of your standards, philosophy or whatever you want to call it, if that's your position, you're perfectly entitled to consider it. Moreover, if you ultimately can't live with it, you're doing both of you a favor in the long run, not to mention the children unborn. Other people will never have to live the choices they might judge you for rejecting. Who cares what they think?

 

Do what's right for you. Comfort yourself knowing that this is often the difficult choice.

[lovexocoach]

Lots of red flags in this - and you're seeing them. Drugs. Alcohol. Unemployment. Lack of ambition. Bad role models. Low standards. That's what is causing you concern. Do you want to be surrounded with that all of your life?

 

Doesn't sound like you're compatible with her even though you get along well - there's a big difference.

 

Ask yourself: Would you like your daughter (if you had one) to be like this girl or to grow up in that environment?

[Emilia]

OP, I went out briefly with the male equivalent of the woman in your first post. I didn't realise until I started seeing him the depth of his issues. I realise that everyone is different but there are similarities.

 

people with addicition issues, flaking, lacking ambition, etc will end up resenting you for constanly driving your agenda. Even if you stop 'giving her a hard time' she will resent you for your future success and stability, for all the things that are unachievable for her because of her mindset.

 

This will not work out well for either of you, I can see A LOT of resentment in the future.

[pursuitofhappiness]

@Emilia

I never thought of it before, but now that you mention it, she has given me a hard time due to things like that. Not quite because I'm a hard worker, but because I have my stuff figured out and she doesn't have much direction. She also wants results without the hard work. She does seem to admire my attitude towards things. When it does come down to settling down though, I worry that she won't know what to do in relation to her job while I may have it together, and like you said, that could cause resentment. I can definitely see myself carrying the majority of the weight in terms of responsibilities in the future if I do stay with her instead of it being both of us.

 

The thing that I am conflicted about though, is that it seems that she wants to make something happen, but I can't go inside her mind and tell whether it is just the wanting the results or wanting to put in the efforts to get the results.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what happened in your relationship in terms of these issues? How did you handle these kind of things with him?

 

I really like this girl, and maybe I'm just being hopeful because of that, but could she really be changing for the better or may she just be acting this way because she likes me?

[Satu]

OP: I'm not talking about you being too tough, or not tough enough.

 

I'm talking about you unconsciously adopting the role of parent to an adult child who is not thriving.

 

She is an adult who should sink or swim according to her own choices.

 

If you continue to relate to her in that way, she will come to resent you and feel constrained by you.

 

She has to grow up at her own pace, and in her own time.

 

Let each person be true to their own nature.

[pursuitofhappiness]

@Satu

I did start to feel like a parent and backed off from what I was doing that made me feel that way. I do let her make her own choices. The main concern that brought me to start this thread is whether or not the person that she is will develop into the person that I want to settle down with. I want someone who works hard and appreciates the hard work that they do. I want someone who strives for a stable and healthy environment.

I really like her and would like for things to work out between us. I understand that we are both young and have some growing to do, and I'm not going to be the one to shape her, she is the only one that can do that. I know that if she ends up being the way her parents are or her sister is, I would not want to be with her, but she is different than them for now at least, and to be honest, I see myself in her. I had a bit of a phase in which I was so very very similar to the her now. I ended up growing out of it. That is why I like to hope that she will mature past where she is at now.

The part of me that gives me doubts about this sees the difference in our childhood. My parents have always pushed me to work hard and strive for something great. They both are extremely hard working and very honorable people. My girlfriend grew up with a very stubborn father who refused to work for someone, thus leading him to be unemployed and on food stamps. He made his children work hard the the field that he had, but has not turned a profit in a decade. He knows that it's not going to work but still refuses to get a job because, he told me, that he likes having his own schedule. Waking up when he wants and doing what he wants throughout the day.

It is that mentality that I worry will take over for her. I have seen a hard working attitude in her, but also her fathers attitude. I just don't know which one will prevail once she gets a bit older, or if the bad mentality will prevent her from shaping herself into something.

 

And again, all input is appreciated.

[Satu]

The relationship you have, is the relationship you have today.

 

If you like it today, you will most likely like it tomorrow.

 

If you don't like it today, you will not like it tomorrow.

 

The past is gone, and the future is unknown and unknowable.

 

What you have today is what you have.

 

What I find interesting here, is how you have internalised your parents as objects, and are relating to her as they related to you.

 

That's neither good nor bad.

 

It just is.

[pursuitofhappiness]

@Satu

In terms of the parents, I understand that they are the biggest influence on someones values, morals, and ethics. I know I can't do anything to change that. They did have something to do with that though. When a child is developing, the parents are the people they are around the most anso have a huge impact on who the child becomes. I know that some people don't like what their parents showed them and instilled in them and decide to be different than that. But on top of that, there is also a genetic factor in ones attitude etc. I am confused with her because she really shows great admiration for her parents and who they are, but she also shows that she doesn't like where they are and that she wants to be elswhere in her life, while at the same time, the attitude I see in her parents often, but not always, shows through in her.

[Emilia]

The thing that I am conflicted about though, is that it seems that she wants to make something happen, but I can't go inside her mind and tell whether it is just the wanting the results or wanting to put in the efforts to get the results.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what happened in your relationship in terms of these issues? How did you handle these kind of things with him?

 

I really like this girl, and maybe I'm just being hopeful because of that, but could she really be changing for the better or may she just be acting this way because she likes me?

Sorry, I have just seen your post.

 

The thing with my ex is that we work together and we were mates before we went out so I've had a lot of time to get to know him over the years.

 

We contemplated getting back together and I paid a lot of attention to his behaviour and character traits as a result. Decided to abandon that plan.

 

I didn't specifically bring up these issues, I didn't say to him 'oh you are not ambitious enough for me', 'you don't work hard enough', 'you don't appreciate when I work hard' (the last one wasn't quite true anyway, he actually likes that I'm a hard worker). I just watched how he handled my achievements and he handled them poorly. There were snide comments, little digs, the whole passive-aggressive lot.

 

Communication between us also got worse, he started avoiding a direct conversation about these things. I asked him specifically to stop the snideness because you are either with me or against me. I told him it was going to damage whatever it was that we had going on. He was unable to so we aren't really on speaking terms anymore.

 

This is over roughly an 18 months period so I think it's been enough time for me to assess his true character.

 

I loved him too. Most definitely. I have lost some respect for him though. If he pulled himself together and made steps to sort his life out, cut the drinking, etc, that respect would come back because it would be huge. But as it is I just see him as weak, that's my resentment. No doubt he sees me as domineering, that's his resentment.

 

Not compatible. And I know for sure that he loved me too, maybe still does.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I have a different opinion on this.

 

It sounds like youre both quite young- still in college. The potential incompatibilities you describe are years down the road, and people change a ton through their mid- to late-twenties.

 

Your gf sounds like she treats you with care ans respect and has already made a lot of personal changes since entering adulthood.

 

Personally, i would not focus so much on what could go wrong years down the road and focus instead on how you feel about her now. Unless you are planning to settle down immediately after college there are too many unknowns to predict what kinds of people both of you will turn out to be when you are actually ready for a more serious commitment.