male483 Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I don't know what to do, feel stuck in 2 places as if i accuse her it'll ruin the trust but I personally know I already dont trust her. Things havent been good for a while, all she ever requests is time apart, always wants to know where I am and when ill be back even goes as far as to right it on our calendar that ill be a certain place for a certain amount of time like it all needs planning and.... we dont have sex at all anymore, ive tried and everytime just get rejected. I know when youre in a slump together it could just be that shes struggling to get it back but this was this mornings conversation as im self employed i go to the office when i want, usually 5 times a week. anyway fancied today working from home because knew she'd apparently made plans to spend day with her mum and heres what happened. 2 year old woke up, i went into him got him on the potty, got him dressed (as hes at nursery today) and played with his cars with him for 5 mins before telling him i needed to go get ready. I then laid on our bed for 2 seconds just to wake up with her (whilst all this time she hadn't moved) and this is the exact conversation: her: jesus youre so lazy you dont do anything for us anymore me: ive just got up with him im resting for 2 seconds before doing his breakfast her: thought you was going to the office today anyway me: decided to work from home for once as got some marketing to do and its easier here relaxed to get it done her: YOU SAID YOU WAS GOING TO THE OFFICE ALL DAY!!! (shouted) me: what you shouting for? youre going out with your mum anyway so knew no1 would be in her: oh for god sake you dont do anything for us anymore me: no!! what i dont do is ANYTHING WRONG to deserve this everytime her: this isnt working is it? me: so youre ending it AGAIN? jesus get a grip and tell me what the hells going on, if its over just say it? dont have to make sure im at office everyday hoping to suddenly fall in love with me again her: just get lost me: i cant handle this anymore ive got to just get away for a bit took my stuff and went, she then shouted DONT EXPECT TO EVER COME BACK!! just ignored her and left, just feel ive given up then i log into whatsapp and all this took place at 6:30am and i wasnt awake until 6:20ish anyway she was last logged into whatsapp at 5:26am?? am i thinking too much into this? either way i know i cant handle this anymore but if i also found out there was someone else id just feel like giving up altogether. Would of done anything for her but sick of the constant belittling and abuse. its every single day shes mad at me for something and not fair on the kid at all.
NopeNah Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Follow your "gut instinct's"...which is pretty damn obvious!
LoveRefreshed Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I mean, in these cases gut instincts and your opinion is what matters more. I however, would say it is seemingly concerning. Was the sex halting immediate or did it trail off? I would do more of the last minute schedule changes. I mean, maybe "leave" and just sit in your car and watch. Can you work from your car on anything? Or just return back to the house after some time and surprise her. You can mask it with buying flowers or lunch or some other kind of surprise. Now, I am not a big fan of playing super spy and doing all of these trackers, VARs and what not, but people might suggest that here. I think snooping in her things is a little unethical but others might suggest you try to get her phone and browse her whatsapp messages and facebook and things. Anyway, gut instincts are generally right, I am sorry if this is the case for you.
beach Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 No one deserves to be talked to like she talks to you. I hope you know you deserve better and raise your child on your own. That way your child won't see his Mom talking terribly to his Dad. Trust your gut. She's not kind or respectful. Life is too short to put up with anyone treating you terribly that way.
Author male483 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 Trouble is I know our house faces the street so if I park in a place where i can see her she will see me, if i take her flowers etc she will think im apologising when ive done nothing wrong in the first place. Would be ok if i could go apologise but know I cant because havent done anything to apologise for. Bit stumped and gut tells me shes seeing someone else, a few small signs like before we met there was a condom in her draw (this was 2 years ago) anyway its always been back of her draw. 2 weeks ago i noticed it had suddenly gone, i mentioned it in light conversation laughing saying 'finally its gone lol' she got mad and said id been snooping through her things and said she must of thrown it when cleaning out the draws, trouble is 1. nothing else seems to have been thrown. 2. she got very defensive about it and 3. she cant even remember if she threw it or not when correct me if im wrong but coming across a condom surely youd remember throwing it or not.
NopeNah Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Trouble is I know our house faces the street so if I park in a place where i can see her she will see me, if i take her flowers etc she will think im apologising when ive done nothing wrong in the first place. Would be ok if i could go apologise but know I cant because havent done anything to apologise for. Bit stumped and gut tells me shes seeing someone else, a few small signs like before we met there was a condom in her draw (this was 2 years ago) anyway its always been back of her draw. 2 weeks ago i noticed it had suddenly gone, i mentioned it in light conversation laughing saying 'finally its gone lol' she got mad and said id been snooping through her things and said she must of thrown it when cleaning out the draws, trouble is 1. nothing else seems to have been thrown. 2. she got very defensive about it and 3. she cant even remember if she threw it or not when correct me if im wrong but coming across a condom surely youd remember throwing it or not. Really? You want to crawl back to that? Jesus! I'm out if this is your plan. Enjoy years of this.
Author male483 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 To add to this, i sat calmly the other day why she was having a go at me because her mum advised me its best way to deal with her just ignore things she says and brush it off, anyway i sat there and for 10 mins stayed silent whilst she called me the worst things anyone has ever called me: 'youre **** in bed' 'youre a **** dad' 'i cant stand you anymore' 'youre pathetic and will destroy everything you ever own' 'youre only here bcause youve got nowhere to go thatsd pathetic' etc etc etc i eventually just stood up and got mad and shouted 'i cant stand you either, who the hell are you nowadays' and walked out. she then text me saying 'i told you my ex kept walkign out on me now youre doing the same, this is all your fault youre nasty i hate you' i stupidly immediatly felt like id hurt her and felt bad but deep down i know i just know shes manipulating me and know if i cant stand hurting her but she can and DOES hurt me loads wtf am i doing??? No one deserves to be talked to like she talks to you. I hope you know you deserve better and raise your child on your own. That way your child won't see his Mom talking terribly to his Dad. Trust your gut. She's not kind or respectful. Life is too short to put up with anyone treating you terribly that way.
rocketman122 Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I think you should look in the mirror. she isnt happy and youre in a very passive state. who knows if shes cheating or not but youre not taking innitiative to fix things. there are two sides to every story. you make it seem one sided but we didnt hear her side. I think you have a good chunk to blame. I think you are passive too much and shes telling you whats wrong. oh for god sake you dont do anything for us anymore-simple as that. youre not putting in effort.
NopeNah Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 To add to this, i sat calmly the other day why she was having a go at me because her mum advised me its best way to deal with her just ignore things she says and brush it off, anyway i sat there and for 10 mins stayed silent whilst she called me the worst things anyone has ever called me: 'youre **** in bed' 'youre a **** dad' 'i cant stand you anymore' 'youre pathetic and will destroy everything you ever own' 'youre only here bcause youve got nowhere to go thatsd pathetic' etc etc etc i eventually just stood up and got mad and shouted 'i cant stand you either, who the hell are you nowadays' and walked out. she then text me saying 'i told you my ex kept walkign out on me now youre doing the same, this is all your fault youre nasty i hate you' i stupidly immediatly felt like id hurt her and felt bad but deep down i know i just know shes manipulating me and know if i cant stand hurting her but she can and DOES hurt me loads wtf am i doing??? Dude...I'm starting to agree with her! Maybe she needs a guy with a spine..Why would any person,actually, let someone berate them? What are you still doing there? 2
beach Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 After reading your other threads - RUN! You don't owe her anything and the child isn't yours. Sever all ties and communication with her and consider yourself lucky to get away from her crazy and mean ways. At this point who cares? It's not even worth the energy of bothering to interact with her, much less engage in any argument she's going to pick with you. Get her out of your life. You'll be doing yourself a favor. 1
Author male483 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 So confused because keep telling myself: 1. if she can talk to you like that and (as she says) she cant apologise because just is her nature she just cant say sorry even when she knows shes wrong which to me is absolite rubbish. 2. she continuiosly wants to know where i am and want me out the house 3. whenever she does anything wrong she instantly blames me for it, throws me out the house, says every nasty thing she can think of then doesnt talk to me until i apologise :/ 4. never sleeps with me argh list goes on, surely if you love someone you dont act this way. Everytime i give up and start to move on she says its because shes defensive, it isnt because she wants me to leave she never wants me to actually leave just says it because gets scared bla bla bla juts seems like ezxcuses. i can make up after an argument and get on as normal, everytime we agree to that, i say 'lets just both relax and get back to how we was doing what we want' anyway a day later ill be laid on sofa after being at work and not seeing her all day and.... abuse starts 'youre so lazy' etc etc. fact is my job is related to football, i never stop and am in great health. constantly working out and no for a fact im not even bad looking. god knows why im putting up with this, my paretns hate her for how she treats me, every1 tells me the only fault of mine is that i let her get away with it. sounds stupid and i feel such an idiot because never let any1 treat me badly but... why do i love her? why do i work to make it work when i know the only reason she treats me bad is because she knows she can and doesnt respect me. Every text she sends when ive gone is how shes defensive and worried ill hurt her, how shed hate for me to leave for good, how she only does all this because protecting herself becauset hinks i dont care. i can spend an entire day saying shes beautful etc etc running her baths cleaning etc etc and still i get the abuse later on then the cycle begins again of her saying she'd hate for me to leave i agree to give it another go and.... round and round we go
Author male483 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 1 last thing ill add, she has cheated before on her ex. she was with him for 4 years then went away on a work trip and slept with someone else. She tells me she felt bad and admitted after doing it she treat him like **** when he didnt deserve it and has forever felt guilty. Feel since the condom thing shes treating me exactly the same... badly. I will leave it, not text her since i got my stuff, ill book this hotel for a few days and spend next few days looking for a flat. I dont think this will ever change and need to accept some people will just treat you badly when you give it everything. fact is i DO do loads for her, everything she wants ill do, i dont get anything back but grief. Cheers for listening but time i just got on because whilever i keep saying 'its fine talk to me how you want' she wont stop. it isnt that i dont have a spine its that i cant be bothered to argue for days on end, life is way to short for all this. 1
beach Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Don't ever go back! No need to talk to her any further. 1
NopeNah Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I'm thinking you've been hit in the head too many times during football! There's NO way a guy over 23 would be dealing with this..I'm out!
Author male483 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 Not saying i havent contributed to this, i know a lot of our problems today are equally down to me but i know deep down i have to just accept it wont ever come back and im clinging on to something and someone who gave up a long time ago. My biggest problem was always she could do whatever she liked to me and soon as she then ignored me for days on end id go running back. youre right i do need to find my balls again and grow up. Seems easier to just be alone then meet someone new than it does to stay with someone and be blamed for every possible thing thats wrong with us. Yesterday she said it was over just because id suggested going away for weekend to get it all back then she called me selfish because should spend that time with the 2 year old. thats when i sat there and got the barrage of name calling while just staying silent. Feel its got to a point where i cant even open my mouth because whatever i say just annoys her so much. Said to her can name and date the last time she said something horrible and cant actually remember the last time she touched me or said something half decent about me. I give up. Going to turn everything off (cant turn phone off as its work phone) but just going to go to hotel for next few days and just look at rented houses and move on. Hard part is even though the child isnt mine finding it harder to leave him than her, what all this must be doing to him is unbelievable. 2 year old and he loves me and seeing me leaving for days on end because shes thrown me out, to then let me back in and then throw me out again ive said over and over to make a final decision because its going to ruin his life.
Author male483 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 Felt yesterdays conversation she listed every single thing ive ever done or do wrong and everytime i said 'it feels like were at school but were BOTH to blame for it not working, everything youve named youve done the same'. She has never took blame for anything ever, never met anyone who even when she upset my 13 year old sister i said id like it if she apologised and it took her 4 days to apologise, had to ask her everyday and her excuse 'you no i find it hard to say sorry' i was like 'SHES 13 FGS JUST GROW UP AND APOLOGISE'. never met anyone like it. As I said I know a lot of this is my fault too and hate how for the past 2 weeks all ive ever said everytime shes ended it and blamed me is 'i agree with everything youve said but feel its BOTH our faults not just mine, i would change if you would too and learn to apologise and deal with things better now were adults and a kid is involved' her reply 'if you dont change were through but im not changing for you no chance' I mean how do you even communicate with someone like this? I agree its over and agree i need some balls and i know deep down i am mostly sticking around just because so desperate to assure myself i am not all to blame, when someone blames you for EVERYTHING wrong in there life i constantly feel im defending myself and everytime even if i get that mad i actually break down she just goes 'here come the water works your pathetic'. When someone just constantly blames every aspect of relationship on you its destroyed my ego and confidence. Actually cannot wait for someone to tell me something good about me its been so long since i bloody heard it. Before I met her i was the most confident happy person ever, not being big headed but a lot of people would say how happy and fun i was to be around, now i dont get invited anywhere because just feel shot. Such a toxic relationship. When you feel youve given it everything and still doesnt work just makes you feel so ****. Worst part.... I know for a fact in 2 months time when i read this back ill think 'wtf was you doing you idiot'
NopeNah Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 No offense....You sound like a lil bitch! Have some pride,man!
Author male483 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 Agreed. Time to step up. But ill ask you this. When you get hurt by someone, then even though youve known it isnt just your fault and know all this but have took so much abuse that in the end they somehow convince you the only reason theyve hurt you is because its all your fault and if youd just change it would work, do you: A. Tell them to get lost, act stubborn and leave them or B. Just think 'sod it ill accept the blame and try again'? Lot easier said than done when you're constantly blamed and told a simple change would bring you everything youve ever wanted. No offense....You sound like a lil bitch! Have some pride,man!
NopeNah Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Agreed. Time to step up. But ill ask you this. When you get hurt by someone, then even though youve known it isnt just your fault and know all this but have took so much abuse that in the end they somehow convince you the only reason theyve hurt you is because its all your fault and if youd just change it would work, do you: A. Tell them to get lost, act stubborn and leave them or B. Just think 'sod it ill accept the blame and try again'? Lot easier said than done when you're constantly blamed and told a simple change would bring you everything youve ever wanted. To be honest... I don't! My ex wife Of 7yrs(have a kid together,I have had full custody for 14yrs) and an ex gf of 11yrs... It's ALWAYS "your fault"....BULL****! I've accepted who I am..and own it! Do not let this girl mess you around! RUN!
LoveRefreshed Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 you are describing my mother. She hated herself and was angry. She took out her self loathing on others. She is yelling at her reflection in you. I would honestly convince her she should be a therapist. I would also openly ask her if she is seeing someone and if she is so unhappy with you, why is she sticking it out?
Author male483 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 Constantly tell myself and have said to her 'look then, i accept its all my fault i accept every single problem weve ever had is my fault i accept all this so the question is this, as i am... do you want this' she says 'of course i want this if you promise to change' actually felt i changed everything, from day 1 she told me the kids father left her with the child and i know he hasnt looked back and it hurts to know shes hurt, ive even said shed be happier with someone else, i dont hate her at all know shes had a **** life and i feel everytime i give it a go is partly because i feel that bad for her because her stories always make me feel guilty and awful that i stick around and try everything possible to make her happy because just damn right feel sorry for her. Someone asked me once 'you might love her and everything but honestly answer me now what do YOU get out of being in this relationship' I actually couldnt answer. I am just either going to say 'i hope one day youre happy but im done now someone else can have a go' or just totally admit defeat that i cant make her happy and for my own sanity i have to find someone else and not even bother talking to her again. How the hell do you differenciate from 'stubborn and defensiveness' because scared to get hurt or damn right 'abuse'? To be honest... I don't! My ex wife Of 7yrs(have a kid together,I have had full custody for 14yrs) and an ex gf of 11yrs... It's ALWAYS "your fault"....BULL****! I've accepted who I am..and own it! Do not let this girl mess you around! RUN!
Author male483 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 Constantly changed becase the promises where always 'change and youll get everything youve ever wanted' ran out of ideas what i have to change anymore. She even admitted yesterday 'i no youve changed and no youve tried for us but i dont think itll ever come back'. As i say anyway jst going away for a few days, get head in work as cant let that fail and just going to get on as single. Got to just accept if its all my fault then so be it.
Author male483 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 Just read this someone sent me and my god.... its identical to my situation to the tee Always To Blame, Always My Fault
Friskyone4u Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Well I am not sure why there could be any doubt in your mind that she is cheating . Every single thing you wrote screams of infidelity. And if by some miracle she is not cheating, then she sure can't stand being around you. So either option is not good for you . No sex, demanding to know where you are, distancing herself , what more could she do but introduce you to her boyfriend. There are things you could easily nod to catch her, but why bother. You are playing the "pick me game" and she has no respect for you at all. My advice is to get yourself ready to jettison her from your life as soon as possible and tell her she can have her boyfriend. She is not present in your relationship and if you are smart enough to read this you should be able to understand what is happening. There is no grey area here. YES SHE IS CHEATING.!!! What are you going to do about it is the question?
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