liel Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I get that the past is part and it's never a good idea to mention exes in front of current bf/gf. However I want to know to what extend should you avoid any mention of the ex? If some experience shared with an ex comes up naturally in a conversation, would you vaguely mention that you've done this with friends, or actually go out of your way to edit out that part of the history from your life or casually mention the ex as who you've shared the experience with?
Dontfindme Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I feel like there's no need to make it a big deal. If you're talking about something you explain the experience like you would any other with friends - I'm sure your present BF/GF isn't going to grill your for details of who you went with so bringing up the ex is not necessary. 1
mightycpa Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 An occasional anecdote is fine. Skip the sex stories unless you two are really, really tight. And don't make it a habit. If you're really close you can wrap up your anecdote with something like I thought I really liked that girl but that was nothing compared to how much I like you.
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Meh, I always find it a bit awkward either bringing up an ex around a guy or having a boyfriend bring up an ex to me, it's fine if it's unavoidable or it's only occasional but personally I prefer to avoid it if there's a way. For example, if I'm talking about my awesome trip to Berlin, that I went on with an ex, I just won't mention anyone I was with, I'll talk about what I did on the trip etc... if the other person asks 'oh was that with friends?' then it's fine to say 'no, I went with a guy I was with at the time' but unless someone probes further I would tend not to mention 'I did this awesome thing with my ex' unless it's somehow crucial to the story. I just think most people don't like to hear it so why rub it in their face unless you have to. I would rather my guy just told me about the time he saw *band* at *venue* and how tight the musicianship was, than drop in that his ex was there too unless there's a really good reason. 2
Author liel Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 It's actually the other way around. I sense that my bf goes out of his way to avoid any mention of his ex-fiance. I don't grill him about past relationships at all, except one time asking him about how/why it ended with his ex. And he talked a bit about it but didn't give me a clear answer beyond her being unstable (what does that mean exactly?) I just noticed that whenever the conversation leads to something related to his ex, he's a) very hesitant to talk about it b) is very vague about it and doesn't give me a clear explanation unless I push for it. Example, I met some of his friends and asked him how did they know each other. He'd say it's complicated and not give a really comprehensive explanation until I prode him with a few more questions after which he'd explain that they seemed to be common friends of his ex. Or we were talking about past trips and he just mumbled about the last trip which he went on with ex. I don't know how to take this. I'm not going out of my way to ask about the past but I feel a bit like in trading on eggshells. I don't know if I should let it go when he does that our push for him to be more forthcoming. Also I don't know how to interpret this. Is he doing this because he doesn't want to make me feel bad (but it has the contrary effect, am I just being insecure?) or is he doing this because it's still bothering him or he's not over the ex? Fyi we've been dating for close to a year. His ex fiancé left him 9 months before we met. met. He had said I
Author liel Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 It's actually the other way around. I sense that my bf goes out of his way to avoid any mention of his ex-fiance. I don't grill him about past relationships at all, except one time asking him about how/why it ended with his ex. And he talked a bit about it but didn't give me a clear answer beyond her being unstable (what does that mean exactly?) I just noticed that whenever the conversation leads to something related to his ex, he's a) very hesitant to talk about it b) is very vague about it and doesn't give me a clear explanation unless I push for it. Example, I met some of his friends and asked him how did they know each other. He'd say it's complicated and not give a really comprehensive explanation until I prode him with a few more questions after which he'd explain that they seemed to be common friends of his ex. Or we were talking about past trips and he at first didn't mention the last trip he took with ex then said just said he was mistaken but didn't give more details. But I knew it was with his ex by pics on fb. I don't know how to take this. I'm not going out of my way to ask about the past but I feel a bit like in trading on eggshells. I don't know if I should let it go when he does that our push for him to be more forthcoming. Also I don't know how to interpret this. Is he doing this because he doesn't want to make me feel bad (but it has the contrary effect, am I just being insecure?) or is he doing this because it's still bothering him or he's not over the ex? Fyi we've been dating for close to a year. His ex fiancé left him 9 months before we met. met.
Author liel Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 For example, if I'm talking about my awesome trip to Berlin, that I went on with an ex, I just won't mention anyone I was with, I'll talk about what I did on the trip etc... if the other person asks 'oh was that with friends?' then it's fine to say 'no, I went with a guy I was with at the time' but unless someone probes further I would tend not to mention 'I did this awesome thing with my ex' unless it's somehow crucial to the story. I That's totally fine with me. I mean I'd at most get to the point of asking if he went with friends and then if he mentions it's with the ex I'd drop the subject (unless I shouldn't?) I just feel like he's really unwilling to mention it at all.
guest569 Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 If it's something important and relevant to the new relationship maybe, but other than that.. there's no need to talk much about it.
Tribble Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Not at all really. We're incredibly open about this kind of stuff which I guess is kind of uncommon. I don't really have exes but I have guys I've seen. His exes come up in conversation, including in a sexual context, and I don't mind at all. I'm not a jealous person and it's a part of the past that you can't erase. I tend to avoid talking about people I've seen in the past but that's because he knows them so they're more than an abstract idea. I haven't and probably never will come across any of his exes. 1
LoveRefreshed Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I think to mention experiences, a time, a story is okay. If the moral of the story ends with something incredibly positive about your ex (oh, we then ahd some great sex!), you may consider skipping that part. Or add in something about how that relationship was doomed. heh. i would avoid telling a lot of super positive storied about your ex.
Emilia Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Exes come up when we discuss past dating experiences, relationships, etc, it's natural. Sometimes they still aren't clear what the problem was so we talk about it, not something that ever bothered me.
Haydn Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Depends on the break-up. I am still mates with a few of my exes, never a issue. But if the break-up was.... `She broke my heart into a million tiny pieces, then swooped down and crushed them with her blood stained claw` Plus stole a lorry load of my best finery..... Then no. Well not until the dust had settled.
Toodaloo Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Depends on the break-up. I am still mates with a few of my exes, never a issue. But if the break-up was.... `She broke my heart into a million tiny pieces, then swooped down and crushed them with her blood stained claw` Plus stole a lorry load of my best finery..... Then no. Well not until the dust had settled. How about stomping on the pieces with a boot he trod in dog poo with just before, then bashing them with a hammer and running over them with a van for good measure... Bit over the top?? I don't really like talking about my exes at all with new beaus. If I am talking about them I tend to skip over the bits that they were involved in or miss them out all together. They are ex for a reason. If they are still friends with me then I tell the tale as a friend and keep them in. I guess it depends if you are the sort of person who looks back or who looks forward... I don't hide my past but equally I see no point in digging up old bones and opening up old wounds. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 (edited) That's totally fine with me. I mean I'd at most get to the point of asking if he went with friends and then if he mentions it's with the ex I'd drop the subject (unless I shouldn't?) I just feel like he's really unwilling to mention it at all. It sounds like you're almost hyper vigilant now, wondering if anything he's talking about involved his ex... I don't understand why you are wanting him to mention he was with her if it isn't relevant? Like I say, on the whole personally I find it awkward to mention, perhaps because I would feel weird and maybe even a little jealous (I know it's not rational!) if a guy mentions it in return (I wouldn't say anything, just probably get a weird gut feeling for a couple seconds that then goes away). If I know that my boyfriend bringing up his ex makes me feel a bit uneasy, it's natural for me to avoid talking about my ex as I perceive it could make him feel similarly. Or rather it did at the beginning until we were an established couple, and now it doesn't really bother me as long as it's infrequent, I guess because we now have so much together that I don't feel threatened at all about his past relationship. Actually my boyfriend rarely ever mentions his ex, at all, the most he would say is he might mention if he's going to play at a show and she might be there (he doesn't know it makes me feel a little weird so he's not 'warning' me, more talking it over with me because he knows it will be weird and not pleasant for him to be around her so I guess he just wants to air it with me), but that's happened maybe twice or three times in the year we've been together. Or if he's talking about a story where I know she had been with him, he will say 'so we went to this art gallery' and neither of us needs to clarify if he means his ex or not (I actually never ask, so it could often be friends too). I really appreciate that he's naturally like that On the other hand, he really gets zero jealousy or weirdness if I mention an ex, so on occasion I have brought it up, like when we're both talking about our past relationships and what went wrong or whatever, for example we mention how little we argue and how harmonious things are, and we'll say how it's so much easier compared to some of our past relationships, and talk about some of the crazy **** that happened with the ex, but it's in a positive context and that type of discussion has only happened a couple times in a year. Sounds like he's just considerate of your feelings, so he doesn't want to bring her up. That's a good thing, is your prime concern that he's avoiding her because he isn't over her and it hurts too much? Because I'd say it's more the other way around, he probably doesn't care enough about her anymore to mention her. Even if it does hurt to talk about her, that doesn't mean he'd want her back. Nine months isn't a huge amount of time, and it still hurts me to talk about one or two relationships that went wrong a couple years and more ago, so I just would not bring the guy up even though I'd never go back in a million years and barely ever think of them. The more your boyfriend perceives that you have some issue with his ex coming up in conversations (as in, either you want him to talk about her more, or never ever talk about her, just any way in which he can tell it's a 'hot topic' with you, which clearly it is) the less he's going to want to mention her. The best way to play these things, even if it makes you feel weirdly jealous, is to act like you barely notice, brush it off like you're talking about any other of his friends. Unless the guy or girl is bringing up their ex so often it's making you feel uncomfortable, then it's fine to say 'I love that you share stuff with me, but it would be nice if we try and focus on our relationship a bit more and bring exes up a bit less... how do you feel about that?' or some variation. Edited February 5, 2015 by acrosstheuniverse 1
Gaeta Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 It's actually the other way around. I sense that my bf goes out of his way to avoid any mention of his ex-fiance. Consider yourself lucky. Why would you want to hear any details anyway? She broke it - he broke it - who cares. It does not matter how this and that happened. You have been dating for an entire year, you've had plenty of time to judge what kind of man he is based on how he treats you. 1
Author liel Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 It sounds like you're almost hyper vigilant now, wondering if anything he's talking about involved his ex... I don't understand why you are wanting him to mention he was with her if it isn't relevant? I don't want him to mention it. I just noticed that he gets really uncomfortable whenever a story comes up that's related to his ex and he tends to avoid talking about the entire story, like not explain how he knew his friends or edit out the trip all together. (I wouldn't say anything, just probably get a weird gut feeling for a couple seconds that then goes away). I don't make a big deal out of it, that's about how I react. I'd say, oh, ok and then that's about it. But I'm getting more uneasy over the fact that he is clearly hesitant to bring her up.
Erised Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I get that the past is part and it's never a good idea to mention exes in front of current bf/gf. However I want to know to what extend should you avoid any mention of the ex? If some experience shared with an ex comes up naturally in a conversation, would you vaguely mention that you've done this with friends, or actually go out of your way to edit out that part of the history from your life or casually mention the ex as who you've shared the experience with? I make zero effort at all (except on first couple of dates) and would be bothered if my partner did. Yes I was with each of these people many years. We did things in those years out and about together. I'm not jealous over past,and I like to know things about my partner, including an honest and true past. It's never been a problem,but I assume I self select people who are like me. Where honesty trumps all else.
Recommended Posts