Oneness Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 As I go through my days, the pain of the loss of my toxic greatest love of my life comes and goes. I feel it like a clenching pain around my heart, I tear up...but I don't cry. I am a working single mother...I don't get the luxury to cry. Today I cried...first time in weeks...and I realized I have been bottling it all up inside me. If I don't let myself grieve...I will never get through this hell. So, for those of you who may be like me and trying to ignore the pain and hope it goes away...it won't go away, it feels better to let the emotions out then hold them in until they make your knees weak from the pain. I will always give myself time and permission to cry from now on...until the day comes that I have no more tears to shed. Unfortunately, crying will not be enough to heal the damage he did to me...mine was no ordinary break up, I was trauma bonded to a borderline who abused me and left me very, very, damaged.....but it does ease the pain.
sober and dry Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 So true for me too. We need to feel it when it comes and embrace it. I instinctively try to bury all the bad feeling but eventually they all come to surface. When they do then is when I start to heal. 2
GoBlue Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Grieving is a process that leads to healing as long as you stay committed to the process. My thoughts and prayers for complete healing are with you. May you find true joy and purpose as you walk this sod! 2
Azulianheart Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Oneness, biggest virtual hug in the world to you. I admire your resilience. 1
Invictus01 Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Every 2-3 weeks for the past 2.5 months or so. Just can't help it... and I'm a guy. I know when it is coming too. Just make sure I get home if I'm in public before I disintegrate into tears. Freaking nuts. Stay strong, we all get through it. As they say - everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end. 4
Author Oneness Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 Thank you all, and I wish you the best in your healing. Today was a better day, no pain...letting it out yesterday really helped. Now I just have the lingering depression, aided and abetted by this awful winter we are having so far. I know my grief is far from over...I will know I am getting better when I can go days without thinking of my ex, without being trigggered, without seeing his face, his smile, when I close my eyes....I hope that later this month I can get the treatment I want, the necessary therapy to undo the deep damage this relationship caused me...when I think of it, I sometimes feel hopeless, like healing from it is insurmountable. But I don't give up that easily, and my DS needs his mother - he is who centers me, because being a mother is the most important part of my life. 2
NopeNah Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I suggest you forgive him and yourself for what ever led to the end. It helped me tremendously in my healing. My ex can hate me..She can excuse whatever she needs to. I forgive her. I also forgave myself for my parts in it.
sober and dry Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Here we go with the forgiveness again... Sorry but it just makes me angry! Not with you Praying4Daylight, sorry, but just with the concept. I mean, how can anyone forgive someone who makes you suffer without you even knowing if that person did felt sorry for it and learned something from that?! That's just not possible in my perspective. You can't blindly forgive anyone, that's just stupid and not for real... Sure you should forgive yourself for anything that led to the end, but that's because you learned from it and regret had done that. I don't think that this posture of mine as anything to do with anger or something like that, it as to do with being "real" and expecting the same from the others.
Satu Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I cried for hours every day for two years. Huge wrenching sobs and shuddering that left me exhausted and raw. And then one day I was walking down the road and I got a really weird feeling... I didn't know what it was...And then I realised that I felt happy. Not happy about anything. Just happy. That was when I found myself again. I am so grateful for those tears. Many blessings Oneness, and all the best for you in your healing.
Nolan 93 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 OP- we all cry through-ought different parts of the break up. I did but I needed to get it out of my system. Not going to lie now that I watch certain movies I may tear up a bit ha. Relationships change us in the end. Her: "why does love hurt?" Him: "because it was real"
Justm3x Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Sober and Dry..... I agree with you, how can you forgive the person who has turned your life upside down, he has no idea what your going through. he/she lives their lives like nothings happened and we have to forgive them.... NO it doesnt make me feel better to forgive them and why should I ...... I feel your pain, a year on and i still cry, when i do it makes me feel better for a few hours, a few days.. but at least crying can help in some small way.
Author Oneness Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 Forgiveness is supposd to be so you can detach from them....I understand that. Can I forgive my exbf? No, not now...but he was horribly abusive...I have PTSD from all his many betrayals, and I mean he did some heinous things (beat me, raped me, tried to have my son taken from me by CPS...). Why did I stay so long? Read about trauma bonds/stokholm syndrome. I really loved him in the beginning too, deeply and passionately, we went through more **** in 7 years then some go through in a lifetime...this creates bonds like steal that are hard to break. In the end, he dumped me before I could dump him - and I was relieved! Next day he wanted me back...I did not go back...but I was not NC. He raged at me and verbally abused me for two days, threatened me, I had enough...I blocked hm and he called CPS...AGAIN. My DS is not his son, but he knows my DS is my life so he went for the jugular...how can I forgive that? He would have to make amends...not happening because we are NC and I am DONE.... This is what he woiuld have to do to get me back, and for me to forgive him...ain't happening. If I ever let you back in my life again, things would be completely different. To protect myself and DS: 1) you would not get any more information about DS, I will never tell you any details about him , his school, his therapy...nothing. 2) I will never discuss anything with you about my relationship with my mother. 3) I will never tell you what is going on with my exhusband. 4) I will not tell you where I am working. 5) I will not tell you where I am living. 6) if I don't want to talk to you I will not call you or answer the phone. Boundaries: 1) I will do nothing that makes me feel uncomfortable: examples are, sending you constant pictures of my pussy and tits (makes me feel like a sex object), masturbating for you (I don't like it, when you make me do it you are violating me). 2) if you start with your accusations that I am dating, that I am ****ing somebody, that I am posting naked pics online, I will not tolerate this paranoia. I will hang up and block you for 24 hours. 4) if you use emotional blackmail on me, trying to make me responsible for your life, I will hang up and block you for 24 hours. 5) if you rage at me, verbally abuse me, threaten me, I will hang up on you, and I will block you for 72 hours. What you must do to keep me in your life - not tell me you are going to do ACTUALLY DO and prove it to me. This is taken from a website on abuse... Steps to Change 1. Admit fully to his/her history of emotional, verbal, psychological, sexual and physical abusiveness. Denial and minimizing need to stop, including discrediting your memory of what happened. 2. Acknowledge that the abuse was wrong, unconditionally. (S)He needs to identify the justifications (s)he used, including the ways (s)he blamed you, and talk in detail about why his/her behaviors were unacceptable, without defending them. 3. Acknowledge that his/her behavior was a choice, not a loss of control. 4. Recognize the effects his/her abuse has had on you and on your family, and show empathy for those. (S)He needs to talk IN DETAIL about the impact that the abuse has had, including fear, loss of trust, anger, etc. And (s)he needs to do this without feeling sorry for him/herself or talking about how hard the experience has been for her/him. 5. Identify in detail his/her pattern of controlling behaviors and entitled attitudes. (S)He needs to speak in detail about the day-to-day tactics of abuse (S)he has used, identify the underlying beliefs and values that drove those behaviors, such as considering him/herself entitled to constant attention. 6. Develop respectful behaviors and attitudes to replace the abusive ones (s)he is stopping. 7. Reevaluate his/her distorted image of you, replacing it with a more positive and empathic view. (S)He has to recognize that (s)he has focused on and exaggerated his/her grievances against you. (S)He needs to compliment you and pay attention to your strengths and abilities. 8. Make amends for the damage (s)he has done. (S)He has to have a sense that (s)he has a debt to you. (S)He can start payment by being consistently kind and supportive, putting his/her own needs on the back burner for a couple of years, fixing what (s)he has damaged, and cleaning up the emotional and literal messes (s)he has caused. 9. Accept the consequences of his/her actions. (S)He should stop blaming you for problems that are the result of his/her abuse. 10. Commit to not repeating his/her abusive behaviors. (S)He should not place any conditions on improvement – such as saying (s)he won’t call you names as long as you don’t raise your voice. 11. Accept the need to give up his/her privileges and do so. Stop double standards, stop flirting with others, stop taking off with friends while you take care of the children. (S)He also is not the only one allowed to express anger. 12. Accept that overcoming abusiveness is likely to be a life-long process. (S)He cannot claim that his/her work is done by saying, “I’ve changed, but you haven’t.” or complain that (s)he is sick of hearing about the abuse. 13. Be willing to be accountable for his/her actions, both past and future. (S)He must accept feedback and criticism and be answerable for what he does and how it affects you and the children. What would make me give you another chance at a relationship: 1) take a batterers intervention program. 2) get DBT therapy. I will know if you are committed to them, to changing yourself and becoming the man I can love again. If you are not honest and don't do the work I will know, and you will never have me back. What is in this for you? You get me back in your life, you get my help and support, and you may get to see me again. No talk of a future together will be discussed until permanent changes in your behavior are proven with time. Bottom line for me: I WILL TOLERATE NO MORE ABUSE FROM YOU If you can honestly say you are not capable of stopping yourself from these destructive behaviors, or get help to, then we can forget the whole thing. Telling me yes just to have me in your life, then doing nothing will bring down my rage upon you...I will turn everything around and treat you the same way you did me. I will harass you with accusations of trolling online for women, womanizing, sending dick pics. I will use emotional blackmail on you. I will threaten you, and generally make your life hell just like you did to me...I can do it, I learned how from months of your treatment of me. I will hurt you and make you crazy until you either "get it," or block me just to have some peace...you will wonder where your Oneness went, and who this crazy, abusive woman is who took her place...I will tell you, she went away and was replaced by a female clone of you. I will let her back in for a little while, and just when you are feeling happy and comfortable, I will find something to get triggered by and switch back to the crazy, abusive stranger.
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