Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 then set him free. We never belonged to each other to begin with. His choice.
Rejected Rosebud Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Kind of OT but I don't think going on and on about the man like he's some kind of evil creepster just because he is an "older man" and evidently noncommittal is helpful to the OP at all, her problem is not that she is going out with a "bad guy." They are 2 grownups who are doing something they both choose to do, but maybe OP is not getting her real needs met. She hasn't asked for that, she mirrors him, so they are both behaving the same way, why are some of you harping on the guy being older and not asking her to go steady or whatever?? This is on the OP and how she is handling her relationship with this guy, really OP (according to me! ) is mostly on the fence between risking losing the relationship by putting her real needs and feelings out there, and just going on like it is until something else comes along to shake it up. It's not about a "bad man" 1
Gaeta Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 We never belonged to each other to begin with. His choice. Why don't you put an end to it before fishing for another prospect? This is not someone you've been on 2-3 dates with, this is someone you've had a 3.5 month relationship with, and someone who's confirmed his exclusivity to you twice. Why not treat people with the same respect and integrity you'd like to be treated? 2
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 Why don't you put an end to it before fishing for another prospect? This is not someone you've been on 2-3 dates with, this is someone you've had a 3.5 month relationship with, and someone who's confirmed his exclusivity to you twice. Why not treat people with the same respect and integrity you'd like to be treated? Um, because he gave me the green light to date other people. And what do you think he's doing updating photos etc online? He's FISHING FOR ANOTHER prospect too! So it's okay for him to do it and not me? This is not something I would have preferred AT ALL, but I have no control over how he feels or his thought process. I'm not putting my life on hold for someone who is unsure about me. 1
rester Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 As a man who is highly skilled, organized, a leader who is used to making enormous decisions for an entire hospital, I don't see what is stopping him other than he just simply doesn't want to. I am not a priority. For whatever the reason, it doesn't matter and it won't change and I can't sit here obsessing over "why???" My only concern is: I am not a priority. You're most likely correct, but I think you owe it to yourself to tell him this. Not speaking up for yourself is not going to do you any favors in the long run. Think of it as a personal growth challenge. If he's not treating you the way you'd like to be treated, speak up. If not, you have nothing to be angry or bitter about. If you want to feel empowered, if you want to show him and yourself how much self-respect you have, if you want him to remember you as a woman with integrity, then tell him what you keep telling us. If you disappear on him without saying a word he's going to be confused and maybe hurt or maybe not, but he'll soon realize he is better off without a woman that can't communicate. I think some of the advice in this thread is well intentioned but aims to passive-aggressively punish this man for not being as available as you want him to be, forgetting that he can't read your mind. You're not speaking up and you know you're not, but it's nice to have some advice in here that enables you to remain quiet, all under the guise of him not deserving a conversation. It's not about him. It's about you learning how to stand up for what you want in life. Sometimes the best thing for yourself is swallowing your pride. It may be painful but at least you can look back and say you tried. My opinions are coming from a male perspective but I've been on your end of plenty of Mrs. Unavailables (they come in female form, too). I've also been the Mr. Unavailable and I'll tell you that the women I remember fondly were the ones that spoke up. The ones that disappeared on me have absolutely none of my respect and to this day I wonder what the hell I was thinking being with them. 4
Gaeta Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Um, because he gave me the green light to date other people. And what do you think he's doing updating photos etc online? He's FISHING FOR ANOTHER prospect too! So it's okay for him to do it and not me? You sound like a child that tells her mom: Mommmm why he can stay up till 9pm and not me!! This is not something I would have preferred AT ALL, but I have no control over how he feels or his thought process. I'm not putting my life on hold for someone who is unsure about me. What do you have to gain by keeping him in your life if you aren't happy? 1
elaine567 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Um, because he gave me the green light to date other people. And what do you think he's doing updating photos etc online? He's FISHING FOR ANOTHER prospect too! So it's okay for him to do it and not me? This is not something I would have preferred AT ALL, but I have no control over how he feels or his thought process. I'm not putting my life on hold for someone who is unsure about me. And what indication have you really given that you are sure about him? YOU don't even want to cook for him, as if that was somehow a big deal. Seems he is mirroring you too. Both are sidestepping the issue. Now you have taken a huge step away, yet feel you are under no obligation to tell the man you have been sleeping with for 3.5 months, that you are dating another man... 3
Rejected Rosebud Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 yet feel you are under no obligation to tell the man you have been sleeping with for 3.5 months, that you are dating another man... Yeah, that is wrong. PL, what you really need to do is to act true to your self even if it is risky instead of being so busy mirroring or protecting your ego, if you really like that guy and want more please either talk to him openly about it or just say goodbye, the multidating does not seem to have anything to do with what you really want regarding this man, so try to behave in a way that is true to what you really want, that's my advice!! 2
PinkInTheLimo Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 (edited) I want nothing more than to give my heart to Doc 1, but he is not giving me the green light to do so. The ball is in his court on so many occasions. 1. "It's none of my business." 2. "We will revisit the topic after my surgery." Those two statements were made by him in November after I made myself vulnerable and laid my cards on the table about preferring to date only him. If he wanted to seal the deal, he would be a man and say, "I've gotten to know you better. Let's stop seeing other people." He hasn't. Well since he did not say the things you wanted to hear, why on earth did you continue that "relationship" with him? You should have told him "OK I see that you do not want to commit, no problem, our ways separate here." Instead you continue to sleep with him and see him and you see other men. Why do you think you will get anything with this approach? You give him the message that you are more than OK with the situation. The guy is a doctor, in his fifties and never married. Do you really think that if he ever wanted to commit to a woman, he would not have found one a long time ago? So if he has not committed yet, it means he does not want to. Don't be irritated with him that he does not make up his mind, you clearly don't either. If you want a committed relationship, what are you still doing with this guy? Edited February 9, 2015 by PinkInTheLimo 2
Ruby Slippers Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I think it's great that you got your stuff back, and that you went on a date with the new guy. Doc 2 has already asked me what I'm looking for in a relationship and what he wants. In fact, we talked more about this in one sitting than Doc 1 and I have over the course of 3.5 months. The date last night was a huge eye-opener. Just what you needed! In my experience, when a guy is looking for love and really likes you, these conversations about what you're both looking for happen early. Current guy isn't talking about more than a once a week date because he doesn't want it period, or doesn't want it with you. I think he doesn't want it period, since he hasn't his whole life. I see nothing wrong with going on a few more dates with the new guy to determine if he's a better match for you. You don't owe the current guy anything beyond the sexual exclusivity you've agreed to. If it were me, I'd stop having sex with the current guy until I'd made up my mind about the new guy. If the new guy is more promising and wants what you want, you can easily stop seeing current guy. You don't even have to tell him anything except that this once a week deal isn't cutting it for you. 3
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 Yeah, that is wrong. PL, what you really need to do is to act true to your self even if it is risky instead of being so busy mirroring or protecting your ego, if you really like that guy and want more please either talk to him openly about it or just say goodbye, the multidating does not seem to have anything to do with what you really want regarding this man, so try to behave in a way that is true to what you really want, that's my advice!! It was a cup of coffee. The second date is penciled in and not confirmed. I want to be with someone who I can freely give my heart to. I just don't feel I can open up with doc1 because of his past plus his keeping me at a distance. I will write more when I'm not on the phone. I love everyone's advice. Especially Rester.
RedRobin Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I agree, it is very stressful and I prefer not to do it. But I can't put all my eggs in one basket if that basket isn't giving me a commitment. Ok, but also think about how Doc#2 might feel, especially if he really likes you. I don't multidate because I don't think it sets the stage for trust and intimacy. People here say its fine up to 3-5 dates. Ok, I could probably live with it if a guy I liked was seeing someone else up to that point, and not sleeping with them... ...but I wouldn't like it AT ALL if feelings were starting to emerge and there was some physicality (kissing, etc) and he was sleeping with someone else. NWIH. (no way in hell). I'd dump a guy pronto. And have. But that's me. I like things clear cut. 1
RedRobin Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 You're most likely correct, but I think you owe it to yourself to tell him this. Not speaking up for yourself is not going to do you any favors in the long run. Think of it as a personal growth challenge. If he's not treating you the way you'd like to be treated, speak up. If not, you have nothing to be angry or bitter about. If you want to feel empowered, if you want to show him and yourself how much self-respect you have, if you want him to remember you as a woman with integrity, then tell him what you keep telling us. If you disappear on him without saying a word he's going to be confused and maybe hurt or maybe not, but he'll soon realize he is better off without a woman that can't communicate. I think some of the advice in this thread is well intentioned but aims to passive-aggressively punish this man for not being as available as you want him to be, forgetting that he can't read your mind. You're not speaking up and you know you're not, but it's nice to have some advice in here that enables you to remain quiet, all under the guise of him not deserving a conversation. It's not about him. It's about you learning how to stand up for what you want in life. Sometimes the best thing for yourself is swallowing your pride. It may be painful but at least you can look back and say you tried. My opinions are coming from a male perspective but I've been on your end of plenty of Mrs. Unavailables (they come in female form, too). I've also been the Mr. Unavailable and I'll tell you that the women I remember fondly were the ones that spoke up. The ones that disappeared on me have absolutely none of my respect and to this day I wonder what the hell I was thinking being with them. She already has spoken up. Back in November. She's sticking around accepting the crumbs he's throwing her. I do think a conversation is in order, but not another one where she's throwing her heart open waiting for him to walk through that door. It's more like... "We had a discussion back in November, and I feel I've been more than patient with whatever you are going through and your decision making process, but this just isn't working for me anymore. Thank you so much for the time we've shared and I wish you the best." 4
Gaeta Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 She already has spoken up. Back in November. YES, and November is 3.5 months ago, and their relationship started 3.5 months ago!!! They got to know each other in those last 3.5 months. They need to update each other on where they are standing now 3.5 months later!
Gaeta Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I do think a conversation is in order, but not another one where she's throwing her heart open waiting for him to walk through that door. When did she throw her heart at him?? She only mirrored his actions. She never even cooked for him, not even once in 3.5 months dating. She did not even initiate contact with him!! have you been reading the same thread as us? 2
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 I cooked for him three times, and I also brought over groceries. Went out of my way, actually. (Okay. Once was leftovers and one was dessert. One real full meal.)
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 YES, and November is 3.5 months ago, and their relationship started 3.5 months ago!!! They got to know each other in those last 3.5 months. They need to update each other on where they are standing now 3.5 months later! We started dating in end of Oct, (3.5 months ago.) Convo was end of Nov. (2.5 months ago.) It doesn't matter. He isn't going to feel any different if it's six months or one month down the line. 2
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 You guys are all acting like I want to multidate! I don't. I am so loyal, it's almost to a fault! He set it up this way and I refuse to chase when he clearly stated to revisit this until after surgery, and it is none of his business who I date. What am I supposed to do? Check in at the end of every week to see if he changed his mind? NO! The onus is upon HIM to let me know if his feelings have changed. Mine have NEVER changed since the day I told him I prefer to be in a committed relationship. I enjoy his company and I feel safe around him and I wanted to get to know him. Keeping my feelings neutral has been one of the hardest things I've had to do while waiting for him to say something. I didn't even want to go on that date last night with Doc2 because I was so tired and wanted to relax and bask in the memories of the date I had with Doc1. Until then Doc1 speaks up, I'm going to watch his actions and curtail mine until I feel secure enough to initiate more and give more. I have NEVER felt secure in this relationship. In fact, he never even plans the next date until well after a few days after we've seen each other. We didn't watch the Superbowl together. We didn't spend NYE together. He didn't even contact me for six days when he was sick with the flu. And so now I'm supposed to turn down a date from Doc2 because of how Doc2 might "supposedly" feel about me? No way. I do NOT want to multidate but I also am not going to put my life on hold for someone who told me he doesn't care if I date others and doesn't care to update me on his feelings. 2
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 YES, and November is 3.5 months ago, and their relationship started 3.5 months ago!!! They got to know each other in those last 3.5 months. They need to update each other on where they are standing now 3.5 months later! Why do I need to update him on how I feel? He KNOWS very well how I feel because I've told him. He has never expressed how he feels. NEVER. 3
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 It's more like... "We had a discussion back in November, and I feel I've been more than patient with whatever you are going through and your decision making process, but this just isn't working for me anymore. Thank you so much for the time we've shared and I wish you the best." THIS. This. This. 3
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 Ok, but also think about how Doc#2 might feel, especially if he really likes you. Of course!!! This is why something has to be done in the next few weeks if I go on more dates with Doc2. I don't even know if Doc1 will ever contact me again, to tell you honestly. Everything is so up in the air with him.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 I think some of the advice in this thread is well intentioned but aims to passive-aggressively punish this man for not being as available as you want him to be, forgetting that he can't read your mind. You're not speaking up and you know you're not, but it's nice to have some advice in here that enables you to remain quiet, all under the guise of him not deserving a conversation. It's not about him. It's about you learning how to stand up for what you want in life. Sometimes the best thing for yourself is swallowing your pride. It may be painful but at least you can look back and say you tried. . Oh, Rester! I love this advice. It is all about me being comfortable in asking what I want. If I end up getting rejected by him, at least I can say I tried. And even if I walk away empty handed, I'd have used this opportunity to practice self-asserting skills and to grow as a person. Standing up for yourself not just in the dating world, but probably makes it easier in just everyday life situations. 2
RedRobin Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I should mention that I've never had sex with a guy who still had his profile up. I would never knowingly tolerate this situation. I'd rather die celibate than make some guy's life easy at my expense. Your self esteem and self respect seem to be going in the toilet with Doc #1. Tell us again why you like him so much? 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 Tell us again why you like him so much? I don't think I do anymore. 2
Gaeta Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I do NOT want to multidate but I also am not going to put my life on hold for someone who told me he doesn't care if I date others and doesn't care to update me on his feelings. Then why the heck are you keeping DR. 1 in your life?? Why don't you just move on to someone better suited for you if he is SO not into you?? Why drag him along and wait for him to man up??
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