Gaeta Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 I must be wired up differently than most people then. To me telling someone what are my expectations is not putting me at risk of getting hurt. Pumpkin has nothing to lose and everything to gain by expressing her expectations. At is it now she does not have Doc 1 so she does not risk losing him. If she tells him her expectations and he says he's not on board with it what is she losing? nothing. I would understand if they were in love and she hesitated telling him something that may have him walk away but it's not the case. 1
writergal Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 (edited) I must be wired up differently than most people then. To me telling someone what are my expectations is not putting me at risk of getting hurt. Pumpkin has nothing to lose and everything to gain by expressing her expectations. At is it now she does not have Doc 1 so she does not risk losing him. If she tells him her expectations and he says he's not on board with it what is she losing? nothing. I would understand if they were in love and she hesitated telling him something that may have him walk away but it's not the case. Oh no, you misunderstand me. I agree with you Gaeta. I would rather risk losing the guy by being honest with him about my expectations, then not say anything. It's better to risk loss, by being honest, then lose everything because you're not. If more people were just honest with each other, think of how many relationships would be saved or would end without all the drama and hurt feelings? Well, if Doc1 was never there to begin with, then you're right, PumpkinLupmkin loses nothing by being honest with him. What she gains, yes gains, is confidence back in herself, for just telling Doc1 what she feels. Personally, I think it is in her best interest to say something to Doc1 about her expectations or what those were, how his actions made her feel, etc., because at this point, she has nothing to lose. It will make her feel better, and will ensure her emotional closure which she wouldn't get if she leaves things unsaid at this point. She'll always wonder 'what if' if she says nothing. Edited February 21, 2015 by writergal 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 I think what the others are trying to tell you is, the fact you are responding at all proves you weren't at all serious about walking away. . I shared four months emotionally, physically and intellectually with this man who was nothing but kind to me, and you're telling me because I responded with a short succinct text, this shows I'm not serious about walking away? Not responding is plain rude, especially to someone I care about. I can be kind and still have the courage to walk away.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 The facts you have stated are: He is 15 years older than you. He has serious health issues. He is doing 90% of the work in the relationship. You have never expressed your desire to take the relationship further. You are still actively dating other men and he knows it. The facts you missed: 1. He has never been married, relationships usually last one year. 2. He has never LIVED with anyone. 3. He knows I am dating others and knows that I don't want to, yet does nothing about it. 4. He has never expressed his desire to take the relationship further. 5. He does 90 percent work in the relationship but when we are together he gets treated like a goddamn king...meaning I have been extremely accomodating to his situation. And yet I get called selfish.
Gaeta Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Pumpkin: What attracted you to this man in the first place? When you started this you knew he never had a relationship longer than a year and now I am learning he never even lived with someone. I wouldn't touch a man like this with a 6 foot pole. 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 Smart. Contained. Sexy as hell for a 56 year old. And his first kiss. Will never forget it. Anyways I didn't find out about the living thing until well into the relationship. I figured he made his career his life instead of a wife and kids.
LovDC Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 I shared four months emotionally, physically and intellectually with this man who was nothing but kind to me, and you're telling me because I responded with a short succinct text, this shows I'm not serious about walking away. Would you mind elaborating on his being kind to you?
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 I don't understand what 1. and 2. have to do with anything. If these things bother you then why are you dating him in the first place? They're either deal-breakers or they're not. As for 3. - This makes it look like you're playing games and trying to make him jealous. Personally, I find this behavior to be a big turn-off and he probably does too. As for 4. - You haven't either, as you've admitted. If this is bothering you so much, then it's up to you to broach the subject. As for 5. - I think this is great, but it's subjective. Maybe he doesn't see it this way. You admitted that you make little or no effort to contact or see him. He's probably picking up mixed signals. You've spent days discussing this with strangers on the internet, yet you won't discuss it with him. This doesn't seem to be getting you anywhere. The only way you'll be sure is to put your ego aside and tell him how you feel instead of hemming and hawing about it. No. 1 and 2 are not dealbreakers for me but they do shed light on his commitment credibility, and kinda makes me hesitant on making myself vulnerable to someone who is emotionally unavailable, and also a huge reason why I'm so so so apprehensive about revealing cards. No. 3, you have it all wrong. I only want to date him and I told him that. He said it's none of his business what I do and practically gave me the green light to do so. How is that game playing? I'm so worn out by this. I miss him so much but it's pointless to be so emotional over someone who doesn't make you a priority. What a mess. 1
Buddhist Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 I shared four months emotionally, physically and intellectually with this man who was nothing but kind to me, and you're telling me because I responded with a short succinct text, this shows I'm not serious about walking away? Not responding is plain rude, especially to someone I care about. I can be kind and still have the courage to walk away. Yes. But I don't think kindness is a majority priority when the phrase "I have him by the balls" is being used. 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 Yes. But I don't think kindness is a majority priority when the phrase "I have him by the balls" is being used. Huh? It's a phrase! When negotiating, the person who wants more is usually the one who is willing to listen to the other party to get what he wants. He wants sex more than I...and he's masking it by asking to watch movies together. So yeah, I have him by the balls! He wants it more than I do. It's nothing more elaborate. It's just a phrase. That's all I meant. It doesn't mean that he was unkind or mean to me. 1
writergal Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 No. 3, you have it all wrong. I only want to date him and I told him that. He said it's none of his business what I do and practically gave me the green light to do so. How is that game playing? I'm so worn out by this. I miss him so much but it's pointless to be so emotional over someone who doesn't make you a priority. What a mess. I agree with you, PumpkinLumpkin. You told him that you wanted exclusivity and he pretty much rejected the idea right then. That is not you playing games with him. Everyone has twisted it around to paint you as the game player here and that's just not the case at all. Not at all. It's not pointless to be emotional over someone who doesn't make you a priority. You're only human. You fell for an emotionally available man. Hey, it happens to every woman. We can't control who we fall in love with, or are attracted to. Chemistry has a purpose. Chemistry overrides the logical part of the human brain. It's hard to detach yourself from someone you are strongly attracted to, even when you know the person isn't right for you. It's not a mess. It's just stressful for you because he doesn't make you a priority (which you deserve to be in a man's life who dates you). I'm sorry that he doesn't feel the same way about you. 1
contact1 Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 I haven't read the entire thread, just the beginning and near end, but when did she tell him directly she wanted to be exclusive? Because from what I read (again not the whole thread, too many pages ) she felt it was up to him to make the comment / indication of being exclusive due to her dating other people, in order to prove he wanted that? If there is a post linking that statement it would be great, otherwise I haven't myself seen any real clear statement from her telling him she wants to be exclusive, push her playing cat and mouse trying to get it out of him like he can read minds. 1
writergal Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 *should be emotionally unavailable man in my previous post.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 I haven't read the entire thread, just the beginning and near end, but when did she tell him directly she wanted to be exclusive? Because from what I read (again not the whole thread, too many pages ) she felt it was up to him to make the comment / indication of being exclusive due to her dating other people, in order to prove he wanted that? If there is a post linking that statement it would be great, otherwise I haven't myself seen any real clear statement from her telling him she wants to be exclusive, push her playing cat and mouse trying to get it out of him like he can read minds. Here, I will tell you right now. One month into the relationship, he made a joke about other men and I told him well, yeah, I am dating other men. Although I prefer NOT to date other men, and I prefer to be dating only him, it is ambiguous between us and I'm not sure how you feel about being committed so soon. He said it was none of his business what I did. Let's revisit the topic after his surgery..... I never asked again. He's never mentioned it again. 1
Buddhist Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Huh? It's a phrase! When negotiating, the person who wants more is usually the one who is willing to listen to the other party to get what he wants. He wants sex more than I...and he's masking it by asking to watch movies together. So yeah, I have him by the balls! He wants it more than I do. It's nothing more elaborate. It's just a phrase. That's all I meant. It doesn't mean that he was unkind or mean to me. No but what it means to me when I hear someone say that is they are playing a game of manipulation in an attempt to get what they want. My reference to unkindness was in reference to your behaviour. Clearly you used your communication of I'm leaving you now. as leverage to gauge his interest in you and his willingness to commit. It's not a good way to handle things. When you say you're leaving you do it because you mean it, not because you're trying to tease some kind of commitment out of the other person. Doing this damages the relationship and the other person's trust in you, which is why you don't do it at all as a manipulation tactic but only when you truly want to leave. He played your game and his cards say.....I don't care. Now what? 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 And that was back in November.
Gaeta Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Here, I will tell you right now. One month into the relationship, he made a joke about other men and I told him well, yeah, I am dating other men. Although I prefer NOT to date other men, and I prefer to be dating only him, it is ambiguous between us and I'm not sure how you feel about being committed so soon. He said it was none of his business what I did. Let's revisit the topic after his surgery..... I never asked again. He's never mentioned it again. BUT, on your previous visit didn't he confirm with you that he was exclusively dating you? This thread is so long I don't want to search where you said that but I clearly remember you coming from one of your last visits saying he had confirmed you were exclusive. 2
elaine567 Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 I haven't read the entire thread, just the beginning and near end, but when did she tell him directly she wanted to be exclusive? Because from what I read (again not the whole thread, too many pages ) she felt it was up to him to make the comment / indication of being exclusive due to her dating other people, in order to prove he wanted that? If there is a post linking that statement it would be great, otherwise I haven't myself seen any real clear statement from her telling him she wants to be exclusive, push her playing cat and mouse trying to get it out of him like he can read minds. Yes there has been a lot of dithering from Pumpkin, Sorry Pumpkin. Not a lot of cards on the table, but a lot of assumptions made and an avoidance by either to take the next step. They are both protecting their hearts IMO. BUT he has reached out again and I think if Pumpkin misses him like I think she does then she has to re visit this as it is unfinished business. I think too many are scared to put their heart on the chopping block, but end up hurt anyway. Better to put it all out there and get it chopped to bits, than to dither about and never know what might have been and regret not really trying to get it. 4
writergal Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Yes there has been a lot of dithering from Pumpkin, Sorry Pumpkin. Not a lot of cards on the table, but a lot of assumptions made and an avoidance by either to take the next step. They are both protecting their hearts IMO. BUT he has reached out again and I think if Pumpkin misses him like I think she does then she has to re visit this as it is unfinished business. I think too many are scared to put their heart on the chopping block, but end up hurt anyway. Better to put it all out there and get it chopped to bits, than to dither about and never know what might have been and regret not really trying to get it.[/QUOTE] This! This! This! Always take a chance when there is one. If you don't, you'll regret THAT more than the outcome (which you can't control anyway). 2
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 No but what it means to me when I hear someone say that is they are playing a game of manipulation in an attempt to get what they want. My reference to unkindness was in reference to your behaviour. Clearly you used your communication of I'm leaving you now. as leverage to gauge his interest in you and his willingness to commit. It's not a good way to handle things. When you say you're leaving you do it because you mean it, not because you're trying to tease some kind of commitment out of the other person. Doing this damages the relationship and the other person's trust in you, which is why you don't do it at all as a manipulation tactic but only when you truly want to leave. He played your game and his cards say.....I don't care. Now what? Okay, now I understand. At the time I said it, and even now, I still do mean it. And every word of it is true...I am not trying to squeeze a commitment out of him; I''m not trying to change him or force him to do anything. In fact I left the door wide open for discussion but he didn't. He just said "I understand." Also I'm not 100 percent sure his cards say "I don't care," because although he didn't stop me from walking away, why would he keep contacting me after that and asking to see each other again? 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 BUT, on your previous visit didn't he confirm with you that he was exclusively dating you? This thread is so long I don't want to search where you said that but I clearly remember you coming from one of your last visits saying he had confirmed you were exclusive. Yes. He said he was not sleeping with anyone else. We both said it a few weeks ago.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 (edited) Okay...so there's been a little bit of texting going back and forth since the text where he invited me over to watch movies. His last text says he wants to hug me but understands how I feel, and maybe we should give it some time and see each other after his surgery. He sent it yesterday, and I never responded. I AM A MOTHER-F-ING MESS RIGHT NOW. Go after him or leave it? Not sure what to do.... Edited February 21, 2015 by PumpkinLumpkin
writergal Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 Okay...so there's been a little bit of texting going back and forth since the text where he invited me over to watch movies. His last text says he wants to hug me but understands how I feel, and maybe we should give it some time and see each other after his surgery. He sent it yesterday, and I never responded. I AM A MOTHER-F-ING MESS RIGHT NOW. Go after him or leave it? Not sure what to do.... I just started a thread on taking chances where love is concerned. This is your chance to take a risk PumpkinLumpkin with Doc1. The only way to the end is through, not around, below, or above. You need to be honest with Doc1 now and not via text messaging. Can you call him and ask to see him before his surgery? Then you could share your thoughts with him face to face which is the best way to handle this situation. It's the only way. 5
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 I just started a thread on taking chances where love is concerned. This is your chance to take a risk PumpkinLumpkin with Doc1. The only way to the end is through, not around, below, or above. You need to be honest with Doc1 now and not via text messaging. Can you call him and ask to see him before his surgery? Then you could share your thoughts with him face to face which is the best way to handle this situation. It's the only way. I can't call him. I HATE talking on the phone....it cuts off the end of sentences and I have to keep saying "what did you say?" "huh?" It's so ugly and not sexy or romantic. I will text him and say, no I want to see you before surgery....something along those lines. Oh, man. I feel like vomiting.
writergal Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 I can't call him. I HATE talking on the phone....it cuts off the end of sentences and I have to keep saying "what did you say?" "huh?" It's so ugly and not sexy or romantic. I will text him and say, no I want to see you before surgery....something along those lines. Oh, man. I feel like vomiting. Ok, text and ask him if you can see him before he gets his surgery done. It's the only way. You know it is. Eh, that's just your nerves. This is good practice for you. Look at it that way. The more open you are, the more likely you'll get what you ask for (and need). 1
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