Middle-age daters...What is he waiting for?

[Pinkdisney]

It doesn't mean anything. People have their demons. He was keeping the relationship at a level he wanted, on his terms, and what he gave you was a half-assed thing, because that was comfortable to him. It still wasn't a full relationship for you. At your age, and at any age, you generally want more.

 

You'll feel like crap for a while, it's normal. I've felt like crap before and now that I'm in a happy, no, blissful relationship, looking back I see why those guys weren't right and why it didn't work out. You'll find someone much better, who will adore you. Now you're free to look for him, before you were tided up in a dead end thing.

 

I highlighted the above because it's so true, in this case and in many other relationships. My BF and I have been dating approaching 3 years and we are coming to the time where I want the relationship to go to the next level. He tends to like things "as-is", and is not falling over himself to marry me. There are logistics there which make that next step more challenging like geography and my children, however if my BF after 3 years of dating wanted our relationship to be on his terms and timeframe only, I will eventually walk even if it's difficult because I would not be having my needs met either.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

He texted me and asked to watch a movie. As friends.

 

Uh-huh.

 

No. I didn't respond.

[writergal]

He texted me and asked to watch a movie. As friends.

 

Uh-huh.

 

No. I didn't respond.

 

Oh geez. Is he kidding?!

 

Does he think you're that gullible? Vulnerable?

 

Due to his resolve to remain the consummate bachelor and clueless man, Doc1 has inspired me to give him the nickname Stonewall Doc1. "Look Pumpkin! There is Doc1, refusing to acknowledge your needs! His heart is like a stone wall!"

[BluEyeL]

He texted me and asked to watch a movie. As friends.

 

Uh-huh.

 

No. I didn't respond.

 

Good! Don't take a demotion!

 

I usually told the men I let go because of not giving me a full relationship that it's nothing personal, but I don't wish to keep in contact so we can both move on. And it's the truth. You could try telling him that. Usually they don't persist.

[elaine567]

I may be a bit of a hopeless romantic here but I think Doc1 may have a lot more heart than you give him credit for.

I would just feel happier re this, if the two of you had had a real heart to heart and both put your cards on the table, before you broke it off.

I guess you miss him and I have a feeling he misses you.

[BluEyeL]

I may be a bit of a hopeless romantic here but I think Doc1 may have a lot more heart than you give him credit for.

I would just feel happier re this, if the two of you had had a real heart to heart and both put your cards on the table, before you broke it off.

I guess you miss him and I have a feeling he misses you.

I know that he misses her, but that doesn't change things, as long as he is not willing to give her a full on relationship. He is still not offering that. Some men need the female energy/companionship and sex but with some distance included in the deal. That's not good for her.

[writergal]

I know that he misses her, but that doesn't change things, as long as he is not willing to give her a full on relationship. He is still not offering that. Some men need the female energy/companionship and sex but with some distance included in the deal. That's not good for her.

 

I agree with you Blue. Plenty of emotionally unavailable men miss the female companionship and sex, and that's often their reason for stringing along the woman to stay in contact with them. It's not because they want to offer her a full on relationship where he is emotionally available to the woman. I don't think Doc1 misses Pumpkin for the reasons she may miss him. But if it will help Pumpkin permanently let go of Doc1 to have a straight up talk with him, then she should do it. Otherwise, I fear he will string her along and manipulate her feelings so that she never truly lets go and as a result will miss out on finding a man who is 100% on the same page as her and is emotionally available to her.

[oldshirt]

I agree with BlueEye on all counts.

 

 

We usually deal with guys getting friendzoned here and my answer is always one of these two possible outcomes - either walk away and keep looking and don't let anyone tie up your time and energy that you could spend finding the right person for a full-service relationship.

 

 

- or -

 

 

Take them up on their offer to be a "friend" and have them set you up with one of their friends that would be a compatible match.

 

 

So in other words you can take him up on his offer to come over for a Friday night movie night if he also brings along one of his good looking, single, successful friends with him to introduce to you. That is what friends do for each other after all.

[travelbug1996]

OP you have mentioned a few times how you're not looking to be back in the dating pool. I get that but how about being ok with being single first? Being single is not a curse, in fact its been a blessing. I know exactly what I want and my loneliness doesn't get to compromise that.

 

I dated a guy like this years ago and I didn't understand why he didn't want a relationship with someone as wonderful as I am. I had to cut him off and realize it wasn't personal. He couldn't emotionally bond/connect with anyone.

 

He eventually told me that he he thought I was awesome and the chemistry was through the roof but he didn't want a relationship.

 

He will never give you what you need or desire. Remember that. I had to go cold turkey and block the guy and it was hard but I felt relieved. He would not leave me alone but he also never wanted to commit.

 

Don't fool yourself, you can't be friends with him. You want him to love you but he never will if he doesn't by now.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

I agree with BlueEye on all counts.

 

 

We usually deal with guys getting friendzoned here and my answer is always one of these two possible outcomes - either walk away and keep looking and don't let anyone tie up your time and energy that you could spend finding the right person for a full-service relationship.

 

 

- or -

 

 

Take them up on their offer to be a "friend" and have them set you up with one of their friends that would be a compatible match.

 

 

So in other words you can take him up on his offer to come over for a Friday night movie night if he also brings along one of his good looking, single, successful friends with him to introduce to you. That is what friends do for each other after all.

 

 

Wow we have the same humor.

 

I went out with my gf tonight, and and we were rolling on the ground laughing, thinking of various responses.

 

Him: Can you still come over for platonic movie watching?

Me: Sure! Do you mind if my grandma comes too?

[PumpkinLumpkin]

I am touched and grateful for everyone's support! Writergal, Oldshirt, Blueye, Elaine & Travelbug, Gaeta...if I forgot anyone. (feels like an Oscar speech).

 

Really, the time you've given me, your thoughts, wise input and clear-cut opinions...and patience patience patience you've all shown me is incredible. I feel like you are my friends and have my back.

 

 

****************

 

So I still haven't responded. I'll wait until tomorrow. I will probably answer his question like this:

 

Him: Can you still come over for platonic movie watching?

Me: We need to talk.

 

And everyone here is right....I DO miss him incredibly! I really didn't think he would miss me, but the time is long overdue. We need to peel our cards off our chest and lay them on the table.

 

After reading all of these posts and giving myself time to think, I am in a much better position to state what I want than I was last week.

 

Translation: I have him by the balls.

Edited February 20, 2015 by PumpkinLumpkin

[PumpkinLumpkin]

OP you have mentioned a few times how you're not looking to be back in the dating pool. I get that but how about being ok with being single first? Being single is not a curse, in fact its been a blessing. I know exactly what I want and my loneliness doesn't get to compromise that.

 

I dated a guy like this years ago and I didn't understand why he didn't want a relationship with someone as wonderful as I am. I had to cut him off and realize it wasn't personal. He couldn't emotionally bond/connect with anyone.

 

He eventually told me that he he thought I was awesome and the chemistry was through the roof but he didn't want a relationship.

 

He will never give you what you need or desire. Remember that. I had to go cold turkey and block the guy and it was hard but I felt relieved. He would not leave me alone but he also never wanted to commit.

 

Don't fool yourself, you can't be friends with him. You want him to love you but he never will if he doesn't by now.

 

I really appreciate this post. Yes, I am so tired of dating. Listening to people's stories and pretending to be interested. Politely declining a 2nd date. Worried if my blouse looks too slutty. Yeah, pretty sick of it all.

 

I'd almost rather stay with the emotionally unavailable doc1 and appreciate the relationship for what it is; safe, fun, reliable...comfortable, than to go back out and date idiots who want to run for office. It will take a TON of radical acceptance that the relationship will not go any further than status quo, and that I must be happy with whatever he's capable of giving me. In other words, no bitching and moaning because I am fully aware I'm making this choice with no expectations. (BTW I have not decided on this. It's just something I am considering.)

 

I was single for nine months before I met doc1. I'm not one of those girls who's afraid to be alone or I would have left doc1 a loooong time ago with his weak-ass once-a-week dates.

[BluEyeL]

I understand perfectly how you feel because I felt the same. Once I started to date my current boyfriend, I was so sick of online dating that I said to myself that I'll accept a lot just to not go back to the effing match.com (which is the best site anyway). Only thinking of going back online makes me shudder. So I get exactly how you feel.

 

On the other hand, it really is not a good idea to accept such a low level of a relationship. It could eat months or even years of your life and you'll end up on match.com anyway, just a few years older and with even more baggage.

 

I get that it's easier said than done.

[oldshirt]

Acceptance of mediocrity is always an option, millions of people do it every day. It's called "settling" and everyone does it to one degree or another. I finally gave up on Jenifer Love Hewitt and had to settle for a real woman. The restraining order had a lot to do with that decision but my point is you can settle for what you know is unsatisfying and subpar or you can hold yourself to a higher standard and strive for what you know is right for you.

 

....and seriously, 9 months is NOT a long time of being single for an adult. If you think you endured a marathon bout of singleness and are patting yourself on the back for surviving singlehood for 9 months, you do need to reevaluate your independence.

 

I understand wanting to be in a healthy, satisfying relationship but if you are giving serious consideration to settling for a known dead-end arrangement just so you don't have to worry if your blouse is too sultry,that does reek of desperation and lack of self-sufficiency whether you want to call it that or not.

[oldshirt]

 

On the other hand, it really is not a good idea to accept such a low level of a relationship. It could eat months or even years of your life and you'll end up on match.com anyway, just a few years older and with even more baggage.

 

I get that it's easier said than done.

 

This is right on the money ^^^^^^

 

At some point you are either going to throw in the towel and go back on the market and this will be later down the road after you are older and have used up more of your "pretty" or you will find someone in real life and start cheating on Docboy which will make you a douche.

 

What you are doing here is basically using Docboy as a placeholder to entertain you and keep you company untill someone else comes along and you monkey swing to the next.

 

If Docboy were to write in to use telling us his tale of woe that he is basically in a dead end R and that his GF is cold to him and is schmoozing with other guys, we'd have no choice but to advise him to dump your @$$ and find a compatible partner.

 

We are all trying to head off the inevitable train wreck that is going to happen a little further down the tracks here.

[travelbug1996]

I don't understand how you think you have him by the balls? I mean he just asked if you wanted to come over and watch a movie as a friend. He doesn't want to talk. You do. He's probably all talked out. Please don't start telling him over and over again what you want. He knows what a woman wants.

 

He just lowering the bar. Raise the bar and raise your standards. If not your esteem will take a hit.

 

IMOH I think he would respect you more if you set a standard with your actions and not your words. Men don't understand words. They understand silence.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

. He's probably all talked out. Please don't start telling him over and over again what you want.

 

Jesus...you make me sound like a whiney little byotch...when quite the opposite. I've been extremely aloof and observant and a woman of few words.

 

I've never once told him what I want and NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING has been talked about except for a two-minute conversation in November where I said I'm seeing other people but prefer not to.

 

Then on VD, I said I'm having a nice time with you however I need to move on because I'm losing focus of what I want out of life, and he said I understand.

 

How is that all talked out? I bet both conversations combined didn't equal three minutes.

 

In fact, there needs to be more communication.

 

Inviting me over to watch a movie? Yeah, we all know how that's going to turn out....he wants sex more than I do, and that's how I have him by the balls. Ever since I broke up, he's initiated so many BS little texts and he wasn't like this before. I def. have his attention now that I've walked away.

Edited February 21, 2015 by PumpkinLumpkin

[PumpkinLumpkin]

Also I didn't respond to his text with "We need to talk."

 

I responded with something else completely different.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yeah, we all know how that's going to turn out....he wants sex more than I do, and that's how I have him by the balls. Ever since I broke up, he's initiated so many BS little texts and he wasn't like this before. I def. have his attention now that I've walked away.

You think you have him by the balls because he wants sex? He was getting sex the whole time, and you were never getting the love you want. With him, you never will.

 

You think it's a good thing that he's texting you more often now that you've turned off the sex tap? You really feel some sense of power because you're getting more attention, now that you've threatened to cut him off? Do you really want to be with someone who only gives you attention when you walk away? If he really gave a damn, it never would have gotten to that point.

 

You seem to be blind to the truth of the matter. Keep interacting with him and you're just going to get more of the same. Is this really the best you think you can do?

 

There are plenty of old guys with money out there (guys of all ages, in fact) looking for a woman to care for them. And many of them will care for you in return.

[Buddhist]

I responded with something else completely different.

 

I think what the others are trying to tell you is, the fact you are responding at all proves you weren't at all serious about walking away. He can now consider the arrangement to be continuing regardless of what you've said.

 

Unfortunately with men you set the relationship with them in the beginning and there is just no coming back from that position. It's obvious to everyone that he is not so taken with you that he needs to prevent you from leaving. Even if you go over there and lay your expectations on the line he will just shrug his shoulders and not care. So why play into that embarrassing scenario? Why not just look for someone better.

[Gaeta]

Also I didn't respond to his text with "We need to talk."

 

I responded with something else completely different.

 

When are you gonna put your cards on the table and stop playing games?

[writergal]

I think it's harsh to accuse PumpkinLumpkin of playing games. I don't see it that way at all. I do think it would help you PumpkinLumpkin to just come clean to Doc1 about your feelings and expectations, and then wait and see how he reacts. Since you still care about him, I think it's the right thing to do, for your own sake. Then you can move on, if he doesn't reciprocate, because you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you were completely honest with him and left nothing unsaid between you two. That will serve as the emotional closure that you need after you walk away - if that's the case.

[Gaeta]

I think it's harsh to accuse PumpkinLumpkin of playing games. I don't see it that way at all. I do think it would help you PumpkinLumpkin to just come clean to Doc1 about your feelings and expectations, and then wait and see how he reacts.

 

So you agree she is not being open and crystal clear about her needs and expectations?

 

If you are purposely not being clear and open about your expectations aren't you then playing games?

 

When someone says to you 'lets talk' and you don't reply and change subject, isn't that playing games?

 

Would you do that if your boyfriend said 'lets talk'? Would you ignore him or you would be a mature adult and say yes, lets talk. ?

[Gaeta]

Pumpkin thinks that she detains some kind of power by not talking and playing mysterious and mirroring men.

 

On the contrary.

 

A mature, confident, independent woman talks. She is clear on what she wants, she expresses it and she moves along when she is not getting reciprocation.

 

Men love women that know what they want ! It's not at all perceived as being needy. It's simple. I am looking for A B C, do you have it? No ok then, good luck good bye. Simple as that!

[writergal]

So you agree she is not being open and crystal clear about her needs and expectations?

 

If you are purposely not being clear and open about your expectations aren't you then playing games?

 

When someone says to you 'lets talk' and you don't reply and change subject, isn't that playing games?

 

Would you do that if your boyfriend said 'lets talk'? Would you ignore him or you would be a mature adult and say yes, lets talk. ?

 

I think there's a fine line between intentionally withholding information and being hesitant because you feel insecure about what the outcome may be.

 

I don't see PumpkinLumpkin as someone who intentionally plays games. I think she is hesitant to share her true feelings with the doctor because she's afraid her gut feeling that he's not as into her, will be true.

 

When I've said to ex boyfriends "let's talk" and they don't or won't, I ask them if they refuse to talk because their are afraid. If they deflect and don't answer me (which has happened), then I know they are playing games with me. But, if they say they don't walk to talk about their true feelings because they are afraid of how I'll react (which has happened), then I know they are not being manipulative. Or maybe they are still being manipulative and I misread their manipulative behavior as genuine hesitation. It's hard to say because I don't know Doc1 or PumpkinLumpkin personally.

 

If any of my boyfriends ever wanted to talk and brought it up, I was always open to talking. I've never shut them down, or closed myself off in order to get the upper hand on them. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve with men. Is that a good thing to wear your heart on your sleeve? Some say yes, some say no. But it's who I am. I'm not good at strategic board games like Risk, or card games like poker because I can't bluff well. The writing's on the wall, on my face, in my words. It's who I am.

 

I think Pumpkin needs to just take a risk and open her heart up to Doc1 about her feelings. This situation is good practice for her to learn to trust herself and be more confident about revealing her true feelings when she feels them, instead of holding off until she knows what he feels. Better to risk loss than never win.

 

As Tennyson said, "tis better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all." And as the Bard said, "time is very slow for those who wait, very fast for those who are scared, very long for those who lament, very short for those who celebrate. But for those who love, time is eternal."