oldshirt Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 BlueIris & RedRobin, Thanks so much for the words of confirmation. ((HUGS)) At some point I would like to have a boyfriend, a partner who is my best friend that I can love and who will love me. I'm not even looking for a husband (I'm kind of jaded by the whole institution of marriage thing) and def. not wanting kids. He's told me he's had gfs before, and that's all I would like to be...is a girlfriend. Now I'm wondering if we have different definitions of what gf/bf means, because to me it does NOT mean once-a-week shags and a TV show and still having active profiles. Also I've been out with Doc2 twice since then, and although he seems to be much more relationship-minded, he is a greasy weirdo and thinks he can run for office one day. I won't be seeing him again. OLDSHIRT: I REALLY appreciate that you took the time to bullet point each of my concerns coming from your perspective as a male similar to his age. I know he's not really doing anything "wrong" per se, and by being a participant I am somewhat allowing it. I just wanted to know where it might be headed...if I'm becoming deeply invested in someone who is ill, nonetheless, that will never materialize into GF status. THat's all I want to be...is his girlfriend. Not wife, not baby momma. And he's mentioned ex-gfs before, so I know he is capable of it. I'm doubting my decision to move on from him. Please don't kill me for saying that. I am very emotional now. Watching movies in a nice house, sex with a handsome invalid, snacking on good food once a week seems like much more fun than going back out and dating again. I am so tired of dating. So, so tired. just a few factoids in no particular order - - you are both adults and know how the world works and everyone has been upfront and honest here. The difference is he is happy with the status quo and can/will probably maintain it indefinitely from his POV. You are the one with the issue with it so it is your responsibility to either change it or walk. You don't have the right to whine about it or badger him to change. - 3.5 months of dating is enough time for mature adults to know if someone is the right match or not. - it is also enough time to know that this is how it is going to be. - there isn't anything that says you can't go over have some good food, watch some TV and have a good shag once a week until the right one comes along. that is as long as you realize and accept it for what it is and not try to delude yourself into thinking it is something more or thinking it is something that it isn't. - it sounds like he would be perfectly content to be FWBs, however he also realizes that you aren't going to be content with that so it should come as no shock to him if you are suddenly gone one day when you do find a match. He'll be bummed he lost his tank-drainer but he won't be harmed or devastated or anything, and neither will you. - I appreciate that you use the word "investment" because that is what it is. Treat it like any other investment and don't put in any more than you are willing to lose and don't put in any more than the other person. When you see that the other person is investing into you, then you'll reinvest back more confidently. - Dating is simply an interview and auditioning process to determine who is a right match and who you wish to continue seeing. If at some point someone isn't making the cut for whatever reason, it's time to end the audition. 2
carhill Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 I'd look for door #3. Some of we middle aged daters are compatible and some aren't. When it's right, it just is. No analysis is necessary.
oldshirt Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 This. I think I shot myself in the foot. I felt safe there and I had fun and he let me do whatever I wanted to do. And I'm not looking to start a family or be married. I just want to be a girlfriend and make plans, like vacation plans, planning meals together. Not just boinking once a week. I lived with my parents for awhile after I graduated high school and was going to technical school. It was cheap, I felt safe, had fun and they pretty much let me come and go as I pleased. It was very convenient and comfortable. But I eventually had to move out in order to achieve what I actually wanted in life. And there were times after I moved out that I missed the convenience and comfort and times I wondered if I had made the jump too soon. That all went away after a month or two once I settled into a new routine and was making rent and covering all the bills. So too will you have some bored and lonely nights but once you do make a match, you won't even notice him being gone. 1
stillafool Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 Why would you consider still dating this guy after all of this? Why not move on to Doc #2 and give him a chance. Don't beat a dead horse, he's already dead. 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 Why would you consider still dating this guy after all of this? Why not move on to Doc #2 and give him a chance. Don't beat a dead horse, he's already dead. Hahahahahahhahahahaha!!! This has got to be the funniest post in all of LS forums!!
oldshirt Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 One last note: if these guys you are referring to as Docs 1 & 2 are actual physicians, I am not a physician but I am an allied health professional that has worked in the health care field since I was 18 and I can tell you with much confidence that any physician that wants a steady GF/wife is already locked down by the first year or two of residency. Any licensed practicing physician out of residency that is still single after residency is either single by conscious choice because he doesn't want to be restricted to one woman or he is so damaged and messed up that no woman will have him despite the status and income. If you aren't hooked up with a resident, you are dealing with leftovers and throwbacks.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 18, 2015 Author Posted February 18, 2015 I just turned 51 today Happy birthday!!!
elaine567 Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 What I didn't get about all this, is why did you keep your profile active when you were patently seeing and sleeping with Doc 1? YOU may have mirrored him, but he was a wise old dog too and was probably mirroring you. YOU as the younger prettier one, probably had the upper hand and so I am sure he didn't want to be seen as the needy, invalided, smitten, older guy by taking down his profile, when yours was still active. It may also have been an attempt by him, to make you jealous and to force you to make a move, or show that you were interested. Seems to me this was some elaborate party card game where neither of you wanted to show your real hand for fear of rejection. Neither of you, when it came down to it, put your cards on the table. You shoved your cards into your handbag and took them home with you, and he put his, back in the drawer. 5
LovDC Posted February 18, 2015 Posted February 18, 2015 One last note: if these guys you are referring to as Docs 1 & 2 are actual physicians, I am not a physician but I am an allied health professional that has worked in the health care field since I was 18 and I can tell you with much confidence that any physician that wants a steady GF/wife is already locked down by the first year or two of residency. Any licensed practicing physician out of residency that is still single after residency is either single by conscious choice because he doesn't want to be restricted to one woman or he is so damaged and messed up that no woman will have him despite the status and income. If you aren't hooked up with a resident, you are dealing with leftovers and throwbacks. And you are assuming physicians never get divorced?? 3
oldshirt Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 And you are assuming physicians never get divorced?? No, they get divorced all the frick'n time. And they usually have ten others standing in line waiting for the judge to pound the gavel and sign the papers. The ones that want to remarry, can do so by the very next day. Most are already living with the OW long before it's final. My point is if a physician is single, it's for a reason. They aren't sitting at home bored and lonely on Sat nights because they can't get a date. Physicians have more marriage options than rock stars. Chicks no rock stars are players and perverts and aren't marriage material. Women will line up down the street to marry a doctor. Even fat, hairy disgusting slobs have women more than happy to marry them even they wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole in bed. 1
writergal Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 No, they get divorced all the frick'n time. And they usually have ten others standing in line waiting for the judge to pound the gavel and sign the papers. The ones that want to remarry, can do so by the very next day. Most are already living with the OW long before it's final. My point is if a physician is single, it's for a reason. They aren't sitting at home bored and lonely on Sat nights because they can't get a date. Physicians have more marriage options than rock stars. Chicks no rock stars are players and perverts and aren't marriage material. Women will line up down the street to marry a doctor. Even fat, hairy disgusting slobs have women more than happy to marry them even they wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole in bed. This is true about doctors. I dated a doctor when I lived in Chicago. He was a total flirt and every time we went out, he flirted with women. He even flirted with my roommate. I got fed up and broke it off after a few months. He hooked up with my roommate after that, and I got a new roommate after she moved in with him. Doctors without boundaries! That's how I view single doctors. Physician, go f*Ck thyself! 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 You shoved your cards into your handbag and took them home with you, and he put his, back in the drawer. Then how come when I told him I'm moving on he didn't ask "Why?" or "did I do something wrong?" or "No! I care about you so let's talk about this first"? He basically said, "I want you to be happy. I understand," and let me walk away. When the mailman says, "Your mail isn't coming today," you ask "Why? Did something happen?" When the dentist says, "I see a crack in your tooth," you ask, "How did that happen? Why?" When your puppy is limping, you take it to the vet and say, "How can I make it better? Is he in pain? What caused this?" HE didn't question me at all!! He asked nothing and let me walk away! 1
Gaeta Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 You told him why: ''I have a nice time with you but I'm losing focus of my goals, so i'm moving on." He knew you didn't have the same purpose in this relationship. You needed clarification but you never asked.
Buddhist Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 What is he waiting for? The next ego stroke. That is all. 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 - there isn't anything that says you can't go over have some good food, watch some TV and have a good shag once a week until the right one comes along. that is as long as you realize and accept it for what it is and not try to delude yourself into thinking it is something more or thinking it is something that it isn't. I wish I could do this, but I am getting attached and could possibly fall in love. Multi-dating is very difficult for me.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 You told him why: ''I have a nice time with you but I'm losing focus of my goals, so i'm moving on." He knew you didn't have the same purpose in this relationship. You needed clarification but you never asked. He didn't say, "What are you goals? Let's talk about this because we never have." or "You've been really accommodating and patient the last four months, so maybe we should see what our options are." or "I don't expect you to be tied down to an invalid, but know that i care a lot about you...." Nothing caring or personal or loving like that! Just "I understand." That has got to be the coldest most clinical response ever.
Buddhist Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Just "I understand." That has got to be the coldest most clinical response ever. That is the response you get when they don't care one way or the other about you. You mentioned he was always like that so there are a couple of possibilities. - He's emotionally broken and therefore not able to sustain real relationships. Which would explain his singledom. - He doesn't consciously invest in relationships because he prefers to casually date and isn't upfront about that. Either way, you are better off without him if you want a real relationship. He either can't, or won't give you one. 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 Anyway I finally responded to one of his silly texts in which he said something kind to me. I cannot ignore that and be mean. He didn't do anything wrong and me responding is not going to change any outcome anyway. I wonder if he's going to act like that conversation never happened and try to ask me out again.
writergal Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 His non-reaction is proof that the relationship is one-sided as far as your feelings and expectations for something more to happen. I agree that his choice of words was indicative of how detached Doc1 is, unfortunately. If he wanted something beyond what you had with him, he would have initiated it I think. 2
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 So what is happening with Doc 2? We are not politically on the same page, we have opposite religious beliefs. He thinks he can run for president one day, yet he can't name our state senators. I'd rather date a cold-hearted smart man than an warm-blooded idiot. 2
elaine567 Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 No, they get divorced all the frick'n time. And they usually have ten others standing in line waiting for the judge to pound the gavel and sign the papers. The ones that want to remarry, can do so by the very next day. Most are already living with the OW long before it's final. My point is if a physician is single, it's for a reason. They aren't sitting at home bored and lonely on Sat nights because they can't get a date. Physicians have more marriage options than rock stars. Chicks no rock stars are players and perverts and aren't marriage material. Women will line up down the street to marry a doctor. Even fat, hairy disgusting slobs have women more than happy to marry them even they wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole in bed. What about women doctors, ie doctors who are women?
autumnnight Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 I don't really have anything to offer, Pumpkin, but I just read your whole thread and I think you did the right thing. Dating is weird. That is the only other thing I got. Do convents accept Methodists? 2
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted February 19, 2015 Author Posted February 19, 2015 Do convents accept Methodists? Not sure, but even the abbey couldn't solve a problem like Maria. 3
autumnnight Posted February 19, 2015 Posted February 19, 2015 Not sure, but even the abbey couldn't solve a problem like Maria. I'd like to say a word on her behalf...
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