Middle-age daters...What is he waiting for?

[BluEyeL]

I didn't read all of it, but you must drop him. You gave him enough time. In the future, never ever date men that old (or even younger, in their late 30s or in their 40s) with no LTR/marriage history. They are always a losing bet. Why would they invest now when they never did?

 

This guy is old, sick, he's not offering much. Let him go and find someone who has something to offer. He's offering a FWB at best.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

Then why the heck are you keeping DR. 1 in your life?? Why don't you just move on to someone better suited for you if he is SO not into you?? Why drag him along and wait for him to man up??

 

I didn't come to this realization until after I started this thread.

 

Also I wanted to see what would happen after his surgery...like he proposed.

 

I also kept him in my life because I wanted to get to know him better beyond that November discussion. I care about him, but meeting Doc2 last night made me realize how guarded I've been with Doc1. Doc2's just so much more open and easy-going and as a result, I am easy-going. Doc1 is kind, but there is an underlying formality to him that is a little bit scary, and that has been since the first date.

 

Also I am NOT dragging Doc1 anywhere he doesn't want to be dragged. He can decide to quit seeing me too.

Edited February 10, 2015 by PumpkinLumpkin

[PumpkinLumpkin]

UPDATE:

 

In the wee hours of Valentine's Day morning, I told Doc1 I am moving on. He didn't know it was coming and was very surprised.

 

I am going out with Doc2 tonight.

 

Doc1 texted me a few hours ago wishing me happy VD.

 

I feel like I am in a poorly written Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy movie.

[writergal]

UPDATE:

 

In the wee hours of Valentine's Day morning, I told Doc1 I am moving on. He didn't know it was coming and was very surprised.

 

I am going out with Doc2 tonight.

 

Doc1 texted me a few hours ago wishing me happy VD.

 

I feel like I am in a poorly written Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy movie.

 

I think you made the right decision PumpkinLumpkin regarding Doc1. At least now you can focus on Doc2 and see where that goes. Well, as poorly written as J.A.'s rom-coms are, at least they all have a happy ending. Here's hoping your love story has a happy ending too.

[Popsicle]

Can you not see what is clear as day? This man is the definition of "independent". He is content to be unmarried and/or committed and will never do those things.

 

Some men are marriage-minded, and you know when they are, because they act like it, and some men are not marriage-minded, and they act that way. (And I am not talking about proposing.) You will know very quickly which kind of guy you are dealing with.

Edited February 14, 2015 by Popsicle

[Popsicle]

UPDATE:

 

In the wee hours of Valentine's Day morning, I told Doc1 I am moving on. He didn't know it was coming and was very surprised.

 

I am going out with Doc2 tonight.

 

Doc1 texted me a few hours ago wishing me happy VD.

 

I feel like I am in a poorly written Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy movie.

 

I see that you walked away. Good for you.

 

Don't be surprised if it increases his feelings for you (because he realizes your feelings were real).

[Popsicle]

One more thing, people, that's been ignored.

 

The fact that he's in pain, facing multiple surgeries with extensive rehabilitation, can barely walk, and takes 10 minutes to get from one part of the house to the other...

 

Sex has been mentioned in this thread. Seriously? How does this man even have sex? I find it hard to believe...

[PumpkinLumpkin]

Sex has been mentioned in this thread. Seriously? How does this man even have sex? I find it hard to believe...

 

Little blue pill?

 

I dunno.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

I don't get it.

 

I told No. 1 I'm moving on. Since then he's been texting as if nothing ever happened. Did he not hear what I said?

 

Trying to be strong but my heart is still tender for him. And no, I haven't responded.

[Ruby Slippers]

He heard what you said. But it's much easier to keep seeing you than find a new woman, so he's trying to keep the deal going.

 

I'd ignore him and delete his number. Eventually he'll fade away.

[Gaeta]

Yes you are moving on but like any ex, if he can get sex out of you, while you move on, why not eh!

[bathtub-row]

I don't get it.

 

I told No. 1 I'm moving on. Since then he's been texting as if nothing ever happened. Did he not hear what I said?

 

Trying to be strong but my heart is still tender for him. And no, I haven't responded.

 

My (now) ex husband did this to me after we had a looooooong conversation the night before about divorce. I wasn't angry but after 2 yrs of trying to make things work, I had had enough and told him that we were just simply incompatible. This was a 6-hr conversation. Typical of him, though, to try to wear a person down until they tell him what he wants to hear.

 

The next day, he started talking about a vacation we could take that coming summer. I looked at him as though he had lobsters coming out of his ears and said, "Didn't we talk about this last nigh?" Yes, he said, but he didn't think I was serious. Now, I'm not one of those people who throws around the word divorce very casually. When I say it, I mean it.

 

Anyway, I honestly thought he had gone nuts. And before you start feeling sorry for him, he was well aware of the problems I had with him and it was two yrs before I finally left him, not to mention months of counseling. He had plenty of time to turn things around.

 

The truth is, controlling and manipulative people can't help themselves. I'm guessing by this one act by dr 1, he'd very controlling and manipulative. He may be as my sister describes my ex: the benevolent manipulator. He came across as very calm and caring on the surface. Underneath that was another story. I have a 6 yr divorce battle to prove it.

 

Do not tangle with this man. Ignoring what you said is very disrespectful. It's ine thing to ask if you'll reconsider or what did he do wrong. But he's nit doing that. He's merely dismissing what you said. Not a good sign.

[writergal]

Yep. What Gaeta and Ruby said: he thinks he can keep you around for the sex and companionship while still not offer you what you want. For your own peace of mind, please delete his phone number and end all contact. Otherwise, he'll keep you stuck in limbo which will prevent you from meeting an emotionally available man who will progress things with you into a long term exclusive relationship. Doc1 isn't a spring chicken. He knows what he's doing. Cut that rooster loose.

[writergal]

 

The truth is, controlling and manipulative people can't help themselves. I'm guessing by this one act by dr 1, he'd very controlling and manipulative. He may be as my sister describes my ex: the benevolent manipulator. He came across as very calm and caring on the surface. Underneath that was another story. I have a 6 yr divorce battle to prove it.

 

Do not tangle with this man. Ignoring what you said is very disrespectful. It's ine thing to ask if you'll reconsider or what did he do wrong. But he's nit doing that. He's merely dismissing what you said. Not a good sign.

 

1+! Exactly! bathtub-row has it right. Doc1 is a benevolent manipulator. I've felt this way about Doc1 since you first started to post about your issues with his non-committal attitude. Doc1 has totally dismissed what you said because you've just been a convenient option to him this entire time that you've dated.

[preraph]

Proud of you for taking control and writing your own ending to the otherwise poorly written Jennifer Aniston movie (I like her movies though!).

[PumpkinLumpkin]

It's ine thing to ask if you'll reconsider or what did he do wrong. But he's nit doing that. He's merely dismissing what you said. Not a good sign.

 

on VD super early in the morning, I said, "I have a nice time with you but I'm losing focus of my goals, so i'm moving on."

 

He was shocked and kept whispering "i understand...I understand. I want you to be happy. Can we still be friends?"

 

I said of course.

 

He said, "Can we talk about this tomorrow?"

 

I said "Yes, but I am not spending the night."

 

So I left...cried driving home. And nope, we never talked about it. He just keeps texting as if nothing happened.

 

The last thing I remember of him is his big saucer eyes staring at me in shock as I left his room. He did not tell me to stay. He didn't ask what I was feeling. He let me go in the wee hours of the night.

 

That says a lot to me.

[writergal]

on VD super early in the morning, I said, "I have a nice time with you but I'm losing focus of my goals, so i'm moving on."

 

He was shocked and kept whispering "i understand...I understand. I want you to be happy. Can we still be friends?"

 

I said of course.

 

He said, "Can we talk about this tomorrow?"

 

I said "Yes, but I am not spending the night."

 

So I left...cried driving home. And nope, we never talked about it. He just keeps texting as if nothing happened.

 

The last thing I remember of him is his big saucer eyes staring at me in shock as I left his room. He did not tell me to stay. He didn't ask what I was feeling. He let me go in the wee hours of the night.

 

That says a lot to me.

 

I'm sorry PumpkinLumpkin, that Doc1 didn't ask you to stay or bring it up like he said he would. But at least you now know that if you stayed with him, your relationship would never progress forward the way you want it to.

 

I know exactly how you feel. I just came out of an awkward situation myself. I will PM you about it.

[katiegrl]

Yes, it is.

 

Even with the consistent dates, him always initiating, he's not into me?

 

Sweetie, if he were really into you, he wouldn't still be actively looking on line for others.

 

Yes I am sorry but it appears you are "Ms. Right now."

 

And it's highly doubtful he will ever view you as anything more than that.

 

Move on if you need more. He can't give it, and it has nothing to do with "surgeries.". He is just not that into you..as the saying goes.

 

I'm sorry.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

Sweetie, if he were really into you, he wouldn't still be actively looking on line for others.

 

I get that he is not really into me.

 

But...just pointing out that I am just as active as he is on the same site!

 

For all we know, he could be showing his friends my active profile and they could be saying the same thing..."Yeah, Pumpkin is just not into you, you sick old miserable man. She's actively looking online for others."

[RedRobin]

I would recommend you not take all of this too personally... the whole "He's just not that into you" thing...

 

 

He's never been that into any woman. He doesn't bond that way.

 

 

You know better now how to avoid those men in the first place.

 

 

Doc2 seemed a lot more emotionally available and emotionally healthy... Forget Doc1 and focus on someone who can meet your needs and wants to share in something real.

 

 

((hug))

[BlueIris]

I would recommend you not take all of this too personally... the whole "He's just not that into you" thing...

 

 

He's never been that into any woman. He doesn't bond that way.

 

I was thinking the same.

 

Some people just don't bond at all or just don't care one way or another- with anyone, ever. There is nothing you can do about it and the assumption that one Super Woman will come along one day and he will completely change like in a Disney movie just isn't true.

 

So glad to hear you're dating someone who is more affectionate and demonstrative.

[oldshirt]

am arriving a little late to the party and I have not read the dozen and a half pages of replies but I don't know if any of it would change any input I have.

 

 

 

 

I just turned 51 today and even though I am married, I do think I have a grasp of what I'd be like it I were on today's dating market so I think I can provide some insight as to what is going on in his head.

 

 

I will address some of the points and questions you bring up below in bold.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Met in October. He's 56 and I am 15 years younger.

 

 

There actually is a significant difference in lifestyle and life goals between someone in their mid 50s and someone in their 30s. You can stay friends with him and even be FWBs if you want, but if you are wanting a new marriage and new family etc, it would be best to date within a handful of years of your own age.

 

 

His dating history consists of mostly short-term relationships lasting under a year, and that makes me weary.

 

 

if this is how he has been for 55 years, why do you think he is going to change now???? What makes you think this situation is any different? Do you think because you are younger and cuter and sexier than women his age, that will make him become someone and something he is not? If he is handsome and successful and stable and he wanted to settle down and make a home and family with one woman, he would have already been doing so.

Your learyness is your own common sense trying to tell you something.

 

 

 

In November (after one month of dating), it was revealed that I was dating other men. I told him I didn't want to assume we were in a committed relationship because things were still ambiguous/new and wasn't sure how he felt about being exclusive.

 

 

That's fair and makes sense so far.

 

He said he figured I was dating other men because he checks my online profile and sees when it's active.

 

I said, "Why wouldn't you just ask me!?"

 

He said, "Sweetheart, it's none of my business."

 

 

 

 

I agree with him. it is not any of his business what you do in your personal life when you are not with him. Your personal matters are your personal matters and his personal matters are his.

If he should reach a point where he wants the R to be exclusive and he wants you to only be involved with him, then it is his responsibility to approach you and ask for exclusivity and at that point it will be your decision whether to accept that or not.

Until then it isn't any of his business nor what he does any business of yours.

 

 

I told him I like him a lot and I am only intimate with him, no one else. Even though I am dating others, I prefer to be only dating him.

 

 

you didn't have to disclose that, but whatevs'.

 

He said he enjoys my company too, but his priority is his health, he is in pain, and we will revisit this when he's rehabilitated (he has several surgeries lined up). He thanked me for being honest, and said as long as both of us are open and honest, there shouldn't be any problems.

 

 

 

 

again, he's on the money. He has disclosed to you his intentions and his plans and has informed you of where he stands.

It's not his fault you don't like it and it's not what you had hoped.

 

Now we are in February and absolutely nothing has changed. He has been consistent with once-a-week dates since Day 1,

 

 

 

 

Which means that his actions and his words are congruent. He has been honest and upfront.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(I don't think he gives a crap if I"m dating others or not, and that hurts.)

 

 

If he wanted your exclusivity, he would have asked for it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He initiates 90 percent contact and dates except for a blip when he was sick.

 

 

Which means he likes you and wants to continue seeing you. If he didn't, you wouldn't hear from him.

 

 

 

 

I rarely initiate anything, but he doesn't seem to mind.

 

 

obviously he doesn't or he would have said something or would stop calling himself.

 

 

 

 

There has been NO mention of a long-term committment.

 

 

 

 

OK so I have to ask, have YOU made any kind of definitive statements or any explicit requests to be an exclusive, committed relationship??????

You are big girl and a grown woman, if you are growing weary of waiting to get the word from him, you can grown your own ovaries and ask him. He seems to be an upfront guy, I'm sure he would be upfront with him.

I know you kind of danced around the issue and stated you weren't screwing anyone, but that is not the same as making a formal proposition for a formal, full time relationship.

Some times you get to a point you have to sht or get off the pot.

 

 

 

 

He did say he wasn't sleeping around.....however our profiles are still up and active (my rule is I won't take mine down unless I know for sure we are bf/gf).

 

 

That's reasonable.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recently I've been seeing him online more and more frequently, adding photos, and this is making me nervous.

 

 

always go by people's actions. Always judge people by what they do and not what they say. In this case he hasn't said that he is exclusive to you but you still need to go by what people do.

 

I feel like we are at a Mexican standoff. I haven't invested in this relationship any more than he has because I do not want to chase and it's the only way I can protect myself as an over-giver.

 

 

that sounds kind of like psycho-babble-gobblty-gook.

 

 

 

 

It's been a little over three months and he has not asked me to stop dating others or to be his gf.

 

 

Then don't try to act like you are.

 

 

 

 

I prefer to let things unfold naturally, but he is in physical pain with multiple surgeries and lengthy rehabilitations planned in the upcoming weeks. If it weren't for the surgeries, would the relationship progress???

 

 

 

 

a better question to ask is, if a guy really wanted to be in a serious, committed relationship with woman, would he let upcoming surgeries and procedures stop him from doing so - and the answer to that is a resounding 'no.' When a man wants to be with a woman he will move mountains and not let anything get in the way.

 

 

 

 

I can't initiate the "what-are-we talk"...the last thing I want to do is appear needy and insecure while his surgeries are pending, adding stress to an already stressful situation.

 

 

I see your point however you are the one that has the issue here. He seems perfectly happy with Sat night dates and you are the one that is wanting something deeper and more committed. There for at some point you are going to have to take a stand.

(and I have read the last page of posts so I know where you ultimately went with this. I am just making a general statement)

 

Thoughts on where this might be headed or what I should do?

 

 

 

 

 

 

[oldshirt]

I get that he is not really into me.

 

But...just pointing out that I am just as active as he is on the same site!

 

For all we know, he could be showing his friends my active profile and they could be saying the same thing..."Yeah, Pumpkin is just not into you, you sick old miserable man. She's actively looking online for others."

 

No, his friends are going to be asking him which fiber laxative works the best LOL

 

 

I have sifted through of your other posts and have gotten a little more caught up from your first post but it hasn't really changed any of my thoughts or opinions much.

 

 

This is this guy's lifestyle. You are probably about the 27th woman that he's watched drive away with his big saucer eyes.

 

 

It's not that he wasn't into you, it's just this is how he dates and how he interacts with women and how he is.

 

 

If you were in the market for some nice, charming guy that would call you up and take you out once a week and show you a good time and didn't get bent out of shape if you were dating other dudes, then he was your guy and you just shot yourself in the foot by dumping him.

 

 

however if you are wanting some guy that is looking for a serious, day-in-day-out relationship and wanting to be exclusive and committed, then you were right to continue multi-dating and stay on the market and were right to cut him loose once you realized the time and effort being put into him were holding you back from striving for your objective.

 

 

This was all fair and good here. Noone manipulated or BS'd anyone here. You two just weren't looking for the same things. You spent time together and go to know each other and in time realized you were on two different wavelengths. That's why we date. We date so we get to know people and know what they are looking for and see if their goals and objectives are the same as ours and if they are not you should break cleanly and move on.

 

 

This is pretty dang close to how the system is supposed to work here. There was no foul here. Nothing to see here folks, go on about your business.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

BlueIris & RedRobin,

 

Thanks so much for the words of confirmation. ((HUGS))

 

At some point I would like to have a boyfriend, a partner who is my best friend that I can love and who will love me. I'm not even looking for a husband (I'm kind of jaded by the whole institution of marriage thing) and def. not wanting kids.

 

He's told me he's had gfs before, and that's all I would like to be...is a girlfriend.

 

Now I'm wondering if we have different definitions of what gf/bf means, because to me it does NOT mean once-a-week shags and a TV show and still having active profiles.

 

Also I've been out with Doc2 twice since then, and although he seems to be much more relationship-minded, he is a greasy weirdo and thinks he can run for office one day. I won't be seeing him again.

 

 

OLDSHIRT:

 

I REALLY appreciate that you took the time to bullet point each of my concerns coming from your perspective as a male similar to his age. I know he's not really doing anything "wrong" per se, and by being a participant I am somewhat allowing it. I just wanted to know where it might be headed...if I'm becoming deeply invested in someone who is ill, nonetheless, that will never materialize into GF status. THat's all I want to be...is his girlfriend. Not wife, not baby momma.

 

And he's mentioned ex-gfs before, so I know he is capable of it.

 

I'm doubting my decision to move on from him. Please don't kill me for saying that. I am very emotional now.

 

Watching movies in a nice house, sex with a handsome invalid, snacking on good food once a week seems like much more fun than going back out and dating again. I am so tired of dating. So, so tired.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

No, his friends are going to be asking him which fiber laxative works the best LOL

HAHAHHAH!

I cannot believe how big the font is on his cell phone. I can read his screen from across the room.

 

 

If you were in the market for some nice, charming guy that would call you up and take you out once a week and show you a good time and didn't get bent out of shape if you were dating other dudes, then he was your guy and you just shot yourself in the foot by dumping him.

 

 

This. I think I shot myself in the foot. I felt safe there and I had fun and he let me do whatever I wanted to do.

 

And I'm not looking to start a family or be married. I just want to be a girlfriend and make plans, like vacation plans, planning meals together. Not just boinking once a week.