lostsoul2014 Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I am the WS aged 34 , i am from a south east asian country and had an arranged marriage at age 27 ( no not forced marriage, but meeting my H through family , had few dates and got married within 8 months of meeting each other) my H now aged 35 is a nice man, hard working and driven. he never dated before marriage . I however was more open in my life style and had ended a serious relationship that lasted from age 20-24 . I was heart broken and i really wanted to settle down with someone i was in love with, yes i am the hopeless romantic . i had a great career and my H fit the bill of being handsome, kind and from same cultural back ground. i however was depressed 1 month prior to wedding, and my family dismissed it as cold feet . we both moved to USA 3 years ago, ( prior to that we were long distance due to our studies and school being in different states in home country) . we do not have kids. I never thought in a million years, that i will fall in love with my AP. he being white, different backgrounds but such an instant connection and relatedness . it occured 1 year ago, the typical co-worker, but one felt an instant connection and within a month of this, i told my H , i am unhappy and this is what has happened. he was heart broken and moved out. i was still with my AP , not living together however, but was dying of guilt . divorce is a huge taboo in my home country. I could not justify in my mind, the affair and the pain i caused to my H. i moved back in with my H and ended the affair. it was really hard on both of us, I could not get myself to be intimate and i relapsed after 3 months of no-contact. it was unavoidable due to the place of work, and no , i cannot change jobs as i am on a visa. this time the contact was not physical at all. but my emotions are so overwhelming that i feel lost. I have stopped contact again. I do not know if i can ever forget my AP. i know and i have read all books on infidelity and i try to shrug it off as limerence, as a sinful act but i just cannot move on. I care for my H, which sounds so hypocritical. i know culturally i am different from most of people here and i know having a love marriage does not make it affair proof. i have so many friends in arranged marriages like mine who truly are happy. please help me move on.
Sticky Fingers Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 How would you feel if it was your husband who had done this to you? Would you feel grateful to have him back even though he was pining away for another woman? I do not ask you these questions to be mean but for you to look deep down and ask yourself, what you would do if you were in his shoes. Only when you come down with honest answers will you then begin to see a way out of your predicament.
Ralph79 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 he was heart broken and moved out. i was still with my AP , not living together however, but was dying of guilt . divorce is a huge taboo in my home country. I could not justify in my mind, the affair and the pain i caused to my H. i moved back in with my H and ended the affair. Your husband loves you. You don't love him. It's that simple. You shouldn't have come back to him. You realize that by returning you are not only confusing him but you are hurting him even more. I'm going to guess that Your guilt and the taboo pressure were the main factors for you returning to your husband. You didn't do it because you loved him. Have the courage to do the right thing and be self sufficient. If you leave that job, and never see the AP again, someone else will take his place because you are not in love with your H. He doesn't deserve this. You're 34 and he's 35. There's still time for both of you to build a life with people who you want to be with. Talk to him and fix things before you have a kid and really ruin both your lives (not to mention the poor kid's).
Sticky Fingers Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 You do nobody any favors by staying married only because in your culture, divorce is a taboo. What does your culture say that a betrayed husband should do with an unfaithful wife? Divorce?
road Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Your BH is here on a work visa. Your his wife and that should keep you here. You must have NC. Tell your employer your need for NC. They maybe able to transfer you and tell OM he must have NC with you. The way you chose to bang the OM. You can take actions to end the affair.
Author lostsoul2014 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 Your BH is here on a work visa. Your his wife and that should keep you here. You must have NC. Tell your employer your need for NC. They maybe able to transfer you and tell OM he must have NC with you. I have transferred my office location. so NC will be enforced. the OM respects that and will not break it . he really wanted to be with me forever and i guess i in my own selfish , grandiose state wanted to also . i feel guilty for hurting OM also. even though i have withdrawls , i will maintain NC. I guess more than pining for the OM, i do realize i was and will never be in love with my H( sex was always very awkward in our married life and now even more) . i do not want to be with my AP. we both are selfish and immoral people. having an A is a cop out and i should have discussed things with my H while i was unhappy.
NoC Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 I too was in an arranged marriage much like yours. I have no proof but I suspect my soon to be ex wife was involved in an EA at the least while we were together. Anyway, she never loved me just like you don't love your husband. I made the decision to end the marriage, despite the tabboo in our culture also, but that is no reason to stay in a loveless/respectless marriage. You are better off ending it if he doesn't have the guts to do it. If you must stay together for the visa, then there is no point destroying the opportunity to have better lives in USA you've come this far, just stick it out until the visa is approved and divorce afterwards. I don't know if that's morally/legally wrong or not, but that's my 2c.
Spectre Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) So remind me again why arranged marriages MAKE ANY SENSE IN TODAYS CULTURE. What is the point of arranging it if you can just get divorced when you become unhappy enough? Edited February 8, 2015 by Spectre 1
Author lostsoul2014 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 I too was in an arranged marriage much like yours. I have no proof but I suspect my soon to be ex wife was involved in an EA at the least while we were together. Anyway, she never loved me just like you don't love your husband. I made the decision to end the marriage, despite the tabboo in our culture also, but that is no reason to stay in a loveless/respectless marriage. You are better off ending it if he doesn't have the guts to do it. If you must stay together for the visa, then there is no point destroying the opportunity to have better lives in USA you've come this far, just stick it out until the visa is approved and divorce afterwards. I don't know if that's morally/legally wrong or not, but that's my 2c. I have my own work visa. I have my own job, so I am not staying in my M for that. i am sorry ur marriage ended. I was honest with my H about my A. not that it absolves me of the crime i have committed. i hated the concept of arranged marriage but I just was as desperate at a certain age to be "married"
NoC Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 So remind me again why arranged marriages MAKE ANY SENSE IN TODAYS CULTURE. What is the point of arranging it if you can just get divorced when you become unhappy enough? Some work and some don't, just like love marriages. Doesn't matter if it's today's culture or not, the whole point of any marriage is to go in to it with the intent to stay together forever. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't, some people in both love and arranged marriages will stay in unhappy marriages for different reasons; conversely, others in love and arranged marriages decide enough is enough and divorce. But to answer your question, arranged marriages are supposed to be in the best interests of the two families as a whole, not just the bride and groom. Some people are ok with destroying the union between the two families, but some if not most are not because of the stigma associated with divorce and the disappointments it would cause to the families. I honestly couldn't care less about all that stigma and social image ****, my soon to be ex wife was disrespectful to me and I walked away with my head held high. Sure people were hurt, but it's my life, I went into the marriage thinking I will have a partner who will meet me half way to make the marriage work for both of us, but all I got was a waste of energy/time. I hope that answers your question. I have my own work visa. I have my own job, so I am not staying in my M for that. i am sorry ur marriage ended. I was honest with my H about my A. not that it absolves me of the crime i have committed. i hated the concept of arranged marriage but I just was as desperate at a certain age to be "married" You went into marriage for the wrong reasons to begin with, probably unprepared too. Anyways, since you're set on staying in the marriage, I want to ask you if you ever made your husband feel wanted? Did you ever try to fix things in the bedroom since sex is awkward between you two? Do you even have a friendship with your husband? Do you laugh often together? Are you free and open with each other to be yourselves? How does he feel about your affair? What does he want?
Author lostsoul2014 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 You went into marriage for the wrong reasons to begin with, probably unprepared too. Anyways, since you're set on staying in the marriage, I want to ask you if you ever made your husband feel wanted? Did you ever try to fix things in the bedroom since sex is awkward between you two? Do you even have a friendship with your husband? Do you laugh often together? Are you free and open with each other to be yourselves? How does he feel about your affair? What does he want? i want to thank everyone who have replied. yes i know i married for wrong reasons totally unprepared. I have been a good wife ( i know it sounds horrible , i am the one who cheated) . I held my H in great respect. Tried to make him feel he was the most special person ever . But then I have the need to feel special and validated too and it never occured. I do not think we ever had a friendship, we spent our time in US trying to support each other getting further education and then have jobs . We are very different , like operating on different frequencies. we slept in different bedrooms. we never did anything together. my H is a very good man and he says despite my A, he knows i am a good person and that is why he is in this M. but the more we talk about the M, the more painfully evident is the fact , just because two people are good and kind to each other, it is not enough to sustain things. I have a new job and have to relocate in 4 months. that is the time line we have. I do not want to divorce to be with AP. never. my A was a symptom of my own weakness and the overall state of our marriage. i do know both of us are afraid of unknown.
Author lostsoul2014 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 I have been thinking a lot. after reading countless stories on LS, i feel my A was an exit A. I gave up on my marriage long time ago. I was in the fog in initial stages. classic affair fog. I do not believe in G.I.G.S but i do feel that a certain level of chemistry in initial phases of courtship is needed. its really hard to recreate what never was. Has any WS experienced similar emotions? like not wanting to be in M nor the A.?
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