Despairing Pain - Obsessing over my GF's Past

[IrrationalThoughts]

Hey,

 

So I've been seeing this girl for the last 5 months. Turns out she's the love of my life. I love her so much and the thing is she loves me more. We're absolutely honest with each other and we share our darkest and deepest secrets.

 

There's only one problem. She's been with 3 other guys.

 

My story:

 

I'm 23 yr Old virgin. I've hooked up with maybe 5-6 girls in my life that's it.

 

Fingered two of them.

I never really had sex, even though I could have, Just never did. Regret it now obviously. Very traditional. Ethnic family traditions.

 

Her story: Very strict family. Controlling.

 

during high-school had a guy friend. She loved him as a friend but never pursued romantic interests, he never went for her. They had a fight. stopped talking.

 

She moved on, she went to university.

 

met a guy.

Lost it with him. Regretted it at the time but continued...

 

The guy pretty much used her throughout the two years. She wished it never happened but he used her emotions and did what he wanted.

 

He cheated on her. She still met up with him on and off... This part kills me the most.

 

Her 2nd "boyfriend" also same.

 

Saw him for less than 3 months. Same cheated.

 

3rd guy. I know him. He's a dick. I want to slit his throat. I wish I could eradicate his very existence. That would still not be enough.

 

She was going through a tough time. He was "there" for her. He came down one night to "talk"

they slept together. She absolutely regrets this night.

 

After that night she started to go into depression and had suicidal tendencies.

 

She almost killed her self but didn't. A year later. I come along we fall in love.

 

Issue: Her past hurts me so much. I just want to know. It will pass. Will I truly get over it.

 

I have started reading books to change my mind set and accept her past. Her psych has suggested readings for me. ACT - acceptance and commitment therapy.

 

It has helped somewhat.

 

I just dont know what to do.

 

I have cried, screamed, yelled out to God in pain. I feel comfort sometimes but other times I want to kill myself.

 

When I am with her i feel better. Her love is amazing.

 

The thing is we met online. We've spent the past 5 months skyping/texting/calling. Everyday. Maybe 5 days in the last 5 months we haven't talked at all..

 

She is the love of my life. I want to marry her. She loves me more than I love her.

 

I just want to know that this Pain, Regret, Despair will leave me one day. I don't want it affecting our marriage.

 

I will do what I can. I am so in love with her. This pain literally kills me. It is OCD. truly.

 

 

If you've seen Sia's Elastic heart music video. I am shia labeouf. The character he's portraying.

 

The pain he has.

 

Anyways. Thanks for the read. I hope you all have a beautiful life and find love wherever it may be.

[Emilia]

Have you met her yet?

[PegNosePete]

The thing is we met online. We've spent the past 5 months skyping/texting/calling. Everyday. Maybe 5 days in the last 5 months we haven't talked at all..

Is your relationship purely an online one? How often do you meet in real life?

 

It is OCD. truly.

Is your condition under control? Are you receiving cognitive behavioural therapy or taking any medication for your disorder?

[umirano]

You help your GF best by keeping your emotions under control. Hating and obsessing over past BFs that treated her like crap isn't going to do any good. If she is to move on you cannot make this past of hers the main theme in your relationship.

 

Show her what a decent BF is like, get both of your minds on new and exciting things. Dwelling on things you can't change will keep you where you are, instead of making your life better and yourself happier.

[umirano]

The thing is we met online. We've spent the past 5 months skyping/texting/calling. Everyday. Maybe 5 days in the last 5 months we haven't talked at all..

 

She is the love of my life. I want to marry her. She loves me more than I love her.

That's somewhat essential information, could have come first too... Cool your emotions until you meet her. I've been you twice. Looking back I can't say it's the healthiest "love". BTW my then GF also had crazy stories like that. In hindsight it turned out not all of it happened, and as dramatic, as she was telling me.

 

Meet her, until then cool down.

 

If you've seen Sia's Elastic heart music video. I am shia labeouf. The character he's portraying.

 

The pain he has.

 

Anyways. Thanks for the read. I hope you all have a beautiful life and find love wherever it may be.

 

A music video??? Stop watching MTV and face your real life problems. Ok, you're a virgin, and you're upset about it. I have the feeling that's at least half the reasoning for this thread. You're fleeing into a virtual "perfect" relationship instead of addressing your RL problems.

 

A harsher, but more realistic piece of advice would be

 

1) Break up with her (on the grounds of this being a virtual RS between two people at least one of which has serious psychological issues which should be fixed before a RS is formed)

 

2) Lose the virginity in RL

 

3) When she fixed her problem and you can have a real RS with her and you still love her, try again.

Edited February 4, 2015 by umirano
quoting

[orangetree]

Are you serious?

 

First- Meet that girl! Unless you meet her you cannot say she is the love of your life, neither can you say she loves you more or whatever. This is not a relationship if you have never met each other. Why do you keep skyping and not meet instead to see if you have a spark in real life?

 

Second- Wow. She has been with three other guys. So what? Even if she didn't regret it, what's the problem? I assume that girl is in her early 20ies too. Three guys isn't much at all. You should stop making up problems that aren't really problems and stop obsessing about someone's past. Even if you dump her it will be extremely difficult to find a 20-something virgin. Don't be so controlling.

 

Third- You both seem to be very immature and/or have depression/suicidal tendenses (you wanna kill yourself, she wanted tokill herself etc.). Maybe you should seek professional help. I'm not saying that to make you upset, I really mean that. Building a relationship on feelings like these is not healthy.

[irresolute]

I'm sorry, this seems highly delusional...you want to marry someone you haven't even met? You're 23 ears old?

 

First, go out with friends and please try to hook up with someone, get some experience of what the real world looks, and then try to thik why you fall madly in love with someone over an online conversation. And why you too are so detailed about past relationships?? The past is gone, and even so, 3 guys is just nothing. I'm concerned about you, honestly, because you seem naive and highly vulnerable.

[mightycpa]

There's only one problem. She's been with 3 other guys. I'm a 23 year-old virgin.

 

First of all, there's more than one problem. You just haven't identified the rest of them yet. But, that is for another post in another forum.

 

I don't quite understand the problem. You're looking for a virgin? She's one over the limit? Two over the limit?

 

I get that you don't like it, but what exactly bothers you about this? Is it religious? Will your friends make fun of you? Do you think she's too easy?

 

Help me understand, and I'll help you.

[coryreply]

I get where you're coming from bro. You saved yourself for her, or whoever you end up marrying and she didn't do the same for you. The thought of "the love of your life" having sex with other guys is not a pleasant one.

 

This is something you guys need to work through. It takes time. You mentioned that she's in counseling, you might want to see a counselor too, or maybe a pastor or something. They can help you resolve this issue in your own heart and mind and then you can move forward one way or the other in a more healthy way.

 

And, you have met her in person, right?

[GemmaUK]

You want to slit someone's throat?

 

 

I think you need some professional help.

This is not normal at all.

[EmperorR]

yes these thoughts are irrational

[Satu]

Take your 'throat slitting' thoughts to a psychiatrist, and follow whatever advice he/she gives you.

[preraph]

I'm going to save you a bunch of psychiatrist bills: Grow up! Her past is none of your business. You're just afraid she won't be impressed when and if you ever have sex with her.

[IrrationalThoughts]

I think I should have stated.

 

Yes we have met, It was amazing.

 

Just obsessive thoughts.

[IrrationalThoughts]

Have you met her yet?

 

Is your relationship purely an online one? How often do you meet in real life?

 

 

Is your condition under control? Are you receiving cognitive behavioural therapy or taking any medication for your disorder?

 

That's somewhat essential information, could have come first too... Cool your emotions until you meet her. I've been you twice. Looking back I can't say it's the healthiest "love". BTW my then GF also had crazy stories like that. In hindsight it turned out not all of it happened, and as dramatic, as she was telling me.

 

Meet her, until then cool down.

 

 

 

A music video??? Stop watching MTV and face your real life problems. Ok, you're a virgin, and you're upset about it. I have the feeling that's at least half the reasoning for this thread. You're fleeing into a virtual "perfect" relationship instead of addressing your RL problems.

 

A harsher, but more realistic piece of advice would be

 

1) Break up with her (on the grounds of this being a virtual RS between two people at least one of which has serious psychological issues which should be fixed before a RS is formed)

 

2) Lose the virginity in RL

 

3) When she fixed her problem and you can have a real RS with her and you still love her, try again.

 

Are you serious?

 

First- Meet that girl! Unless you meet her you cannot say she is the love of your life, neither can you say she loves you more or whatever. This is not a relationship if you have never met each other. Why do you keep skyping and not meet instead to see if you have a spark in real life?

 

Second- Wow. She has been with three other guys. So what? Even if she didn't regret it, what's the problem? I assume that girl is in her early 20ies too. Three guys isn't much at all. You should stop making up problems that aren't really problems and stop obsessing about someone's past. Even if you dump her it will be extremely difficult to find a 20-something virgin. Don't be so controlling.

 

Third- You both seem to be very immature and/or have depression/suicidal tendenses (you wanna kill yourself, she wanted tokill herself etc.). Maybe you should seek professional help. I'm not saying that to make you upset, I really mean that. Building a relationship on feelings like these is not healthy.

 

I'm sorry, this seems highly delusional...you want to marry someone you haven't even met? You're 23 ears old?

 

First, go out with friends and please try to hook up with someone, get some experience of what the real world looks, and then try to thik why you fall madly in love with someone over an online conversation. And why you too are so detailed about past relationships?? The past is gone, and even so, 3 guys is just nothing. I'm concerned about you, honestly, because you seem naive and highly vulnerable.

 

Yes I have met her.

 

This is my first relationship. Before meeting her I was just having fun. I wasn't looking for anything serious and she just waltzed into my life.

 

Yes it is immature and naive. It's because of my traditional upbringing. It's the traditional mentality thats ruining it for us.

 

I'm doing ACT as a suggestion from her psychiatrist. I am planning on seeing one soon as well.

 

She went suicidal over Uni/relationships/family stuff. She's been seeing a psych now. She is actually much more mature than I. Not sure why she wants to be with me.

 

We do love each other. We have met and it wasn't a physical meet up aka just for sex meet up.

[Emilia]

I'm very pleased that you met her, you are obviously very close.

 

I think it's great that you recognise the source of the irrationality. I have a little experience of dating men from traditional backgrounds and I think the source of that anger is a strong desire to control. That's what you need to let go.

 

She is her own person. She is very young, still immature (even if she is more mature than you), learning, making mistakes. She has the right to make mistakes. We all do. This is how we learn who is good for us.

 

It's completely normal to feel anger and despair. To worry about the other person. She isn't a victim though, she is her own person. You must recognise this in order to move on from your traditional mindset.

[Jax12]

I'm actually thinking about that as well. Long story short, the girl that I liked told me about her past relationships and whatnot and I'm concerned to even go any further with her. We aren't together yet, but I don't want to jump into something thing such uncertainty.

[d0nnivain]

You have known her for 5 months & you are a 23 year old virgin. I have news for you -- you haven't invested enough time or energy to know that she is the "love of your life" or that you want to marry her. Those are both fantasies. Talk to us after you have been dating for at least 1 year. You need to go through all the seasons together. You need to spend the holidays together. You need to have a fight. Marriage is never all hearts & flowers . It's hard work.

 

Until you can accept the fact that she chose to be with you and the past doesn't matter, do not even think about marrying this girl. If your virginity is something sacred to you & it's something you truly believe should be saved for marriage, don't even have sex with her because right now, I do not see the same future for you that you are dreaming about. If you want to wait for marriage but you give it up to her because you are dreaming about forever, what will you tell your wife when the times comes, after this chick leaves?