Is this going anywhere?

[emoore2013]

So I met this guy about a month ago, and at first, I was not exactly smitten. We met at a bar, and he was very nice and funny however he was very forward and pretty intoxicated. He was still pretty composed so we managed to have a nice long conversation throughout the nice. Even by the end of the night, I was acting pretty guarded, primarily because I didn't want a casual hookup/wasnt drinking that night. On numerous occasions he asked if I didn't like him, wanted him to go home, etc. Once we got to talking a little more I think he started to grow on me. My friend and I ended up invited both him and his friend back to our apartment.

 

We all ended up talking for probably a couple hours back at my apartment. He is a new investment banker who works 100 work weeks, however, seems to be close to family and friends back home. Of course, he hinted at seeing my room and hanging out more privately. At that point, I was pretty tired but somewhat interested in him so I caved. He obviously wanted to hook up, however I told him that I wouldn't be having sex. So we just made out, however he very drunkenly tried to make advances throughout the night. He ended up staying until noon the next day, and made sure that he actually has my number (he forgot he asked for it the night before).

 

Later that day he texted me asking if I wanted to watch football (it was he free weekend for the month so he wasn't on call for work). My friend was visiting so I told him I had to hang out with her. He was pretty persistent in hanging out that day however I didn't see him again until the following day.

 

He and I have hung out three times since our first encounter. Aside from a free weekend every month, he usually works every day and all day with little free time. He always talks about future plans, kisses me goodbye, is gentle and communicative when we hang out, etc. I told him I'm inexperienced and he hasn't been pushy so far. Although it's surprising he always says "I'm worth the wait" and that he wants to make love. I'm not sure if he's been genuine or trying to get in my pants. He also told me over the phone that he has a crush on me.

 

Anyway, I left a few days ago for school hours away from him. I told him when I was leaving and he said that he wanted to see me before. For about two weeks, I didn't see him at all really because of his "late nights" at the office. He knew I was uncomfortable going to his place late at night (he would always walk me down the next morning so our relationship seemed more serious). After so much waiting and wondering when his work schedule was going to free up, I finally mustered up the courage to initiate calling/texting him my last night. I told him that I like him and didn't want to be led on. I didn't hear back from him until the next day. He said he had a fever and slept for 12 hours. He said he wanted to see me but felt terrible from his fever. I told him sorry for overreacting, wished him well, and he responded (but I didn't reply). He didn't seem to be scared away from my confession, however I'm still left wondering why he didn't make more of an effort (even if I will return soon). There are so many variables involved, but is it worth the headache? Is this going anywhere?

Edited February 4, 2015 by emoore2013
Title

[Zahara]

- didn't want a casual hookup/wasnt drinking that night.

- My friend and I ended up invited both him and his friend back to our apartment.

- Of course, he hinted at seeing my room and hanging out more privately. - At that point, I was pretty tired but somewhat interested in him so I caved.

- He obviously wanted to hook up

- however he very drunkenly tried to make advances throughout the night.

 

Boundaries. Start setting them and abiding by them. You want to set the tone and pace yet you do exactly the opposite. Personally, the bold statements are a red flag. Granted you send mixed messages but the fact is that he was pushing your boundary when you said you won't have sex.

 

I told him I'm inexperienced and he hasn't been pushy so far. Although it's surprising he always says "I'm worth the wait" and that he wants to make love. I'm not sure if he's been genuine or trying to get in my pants. He also told me over the phone that he has a crush on me.

 

There is no need to let a stranger, yes he is a stranger know your vulnerabilities so early on. Most may use it against you and some may not. You don't know this man well enough to be coming of as gentle and helpless little lamb. It's not cute or endearing. There are people out there that will use that for their benefit. He wants to make love? Well, when he first met you he couldn't stop himself from trying to get it. It sounds to me that he is working you nice and sweet until you give it up.

 

There are so many variables involved, but is it worth the headache? Is this going anywhere?

 

You've seen him 4 times in a month? You can't be going into a scenario like this blindly and giving your very all and then wondering where it's going. You go slow, get to know the person, keep the physical out and see if it's worth the time, effort, distance, schedules, etc. So now you've slept with him, you feel attached, you don't know what's going on in his mind, you feel you maybe getting played, etc. all within a span of 4 dates in a month. No one can tell you for sure what his intent is but I don't get a good feeling.

[Omei]

The title of your thread is so misleading I read on and on hoping to get to the naughty juicy bits that never came.

[emoore2013]

Boundaries. Start setting them and abiding by them. You want to set the tone and pace yet you do exactly the opposite. Personally, the bold statements are a red flag. Granted you send mixed messages but the fact is that he was pushing your boundary when you said you won't have sex.

 

 

 

There is no need to let a stranger, yes he is a stranger know your vulnerabilities so early on. Most may use it against you and some may not. You don't know this man well enough to be coming of as gentle and helpless little lamb. It's not cute or endearing. There are people out there that will use that for their benefit. He wants to make love? Well, when he first met you he couldn't stop himself from trying to get it. It sounds to me that he is working you nice and sweet until you give it up.

 

 

 

You've seen him 4 times in a month? You can't be going into a scenario like this blindly and giving your very all and then wondering where it's going. You go slow, get to know the person, keep the physical out and see if it's worth the time, effort, distance, schedules, etc. So now you've slept with him, you feel attached, you don't know what's going on in his mind, you feel you maybe getting played, etc. all within a span of 4 dates in a month. No one can tell you for sure what his intent is but I don't get a good feeling.

 

Just to clarify, we haven't had sex yet.

[oberkeat]

Frankly, he doesn't sound like prince charming. The first time you met him, he was drunk and tried to have sex with you. How many other gals has he pulled that with? You could do better, imo.

[CarrieT]

The title of your thread is so misleading I read on and on hoping to get to the naughty juicy bits that never came.

 

Uh, yeah... This thread has *nothing* to do with the movie, book, or BDSM lifestyle.

:confused:

[Zahara]

Just to clarify, we haven't had sex yet.

 

Regardless, everything else remains. You sound like a very sweet and gentle woman. Try to restrain yourself from divulging too much of your emotional vulnerabilities.

 

There's distance. There's lack of time. There's your instincts. There's a couple of red flags as least from where I'm sitting. Where do you want this to go?

 

The fact that you've met 4 times and you're already showing him your insecurities and your dependence isn't a good thing. When you tell a guy you're inexperienced, you don't want to be led on, you don't want to be hurt -- you're showing him your vulnerabilities, insecurities and your quick dependence. People that are out to use you, will use that to their advantage. This is some guy you met a few times over a month, you don't know him nor should you trust him to place your wellbeing in his hands so quick so soon. Show strength, show boundaries, show independence, show him that you're not clingy and needing his validation.

 

He didn't seem to be scared away by your confession but he didn't assure you either, did he?

[Omei]

Uh, yeah... This thread has *nothing* to do with the movie, book, or BDSM lifestyle.

:confused:

 

Yeah I know but I thought the thread was gonna have at least a little tid bit to it to name it as such lol

[The Mighty Quinn]

Damn, I was hoping to rant about the idoicy that is 50 Shades of Grey.

 

Anyway.

 

Since you don't want a casual hook-up, I would consider dropping things with this man. His behavior is all very casual. Right now work is the most singular imortant thing to him. You know this because he's working crazy hours. He just isn't in the mindframe of making a serious commitment to anyone but he probably wouldn't mind some sex with no responsibility to you. He's not making any promises so he doesn't think he's responsible for how you potentially feel about all this. And that's not magically going to change anytime soon because he is just getting started in his career (indicative of your comment about him being a new investment banker).

 

I dated investment bankers. They are very driven. BUT the one that was serious about me still made time for me. Even though he lived in the city and I lived in the country. We still saw each other weekly. Sure, he was up at the crack of down looking at his 5 computer screens to watch what all the stocks where doing but we still went out for dates pretty regularly and hung out at his place alot while he worked inbetween. When a man wants to make time for you, he does.

 

His words may be saying you're worth wait and of course he wants to make love. But that's not what his actions are saying and I think you already know and feel this in your heart. Let a man's actions speak for him. Always. Having a crush on you is also not indicative enough that he actually wants to have a relationship with you.

 

I don't think this guy is a bad buy by any means. I just think that he is young, driven by his work right now, and is not looking for another commitment to a woman but would certainly enjoy sex with a pretty, nice girl like you.

 

A man makes the right efforts when he truly cares. And you are a smart enough girl to see and feel it when it happens. I think you know the right answer in your heart.

[emoore2013]

Regardless, everything else remains. You sound like a very sweet and gentle woman. Try to restrain yourself from divulging too much of your emotional vulnerabilities.

 

There's distance. There's lack of time. There's your instincts. There's a couple of red flags as least from where I'm sitting. Where do you want this to go?

 

The fact that you've met 4 times and you're already showing him your insecurities and your dependence isn't a good thing. When you tell a guy you're inexperienced, you don't want to be led on, you don't want to be hurt -- you're showing him your vulnerabilities, insecurities and your quick dependence. People that are out to use you, will use that to their advantage. This is some guy you met a few times over a month, you don't know him nor should you trust him to place your wellbeing in his hands so quick so soon. Show strength, show boundaries, show independence, show him that you're not clingy and needing his validation.

 

He didn't seem to be scared away by your confession but he didn't assure you either, did he?

 

No, he wasn't scared away when I said I liked him; he only said that he wanted to see me before I left too. This was last Sunday afternoon.

 

He rarely has time to go out to bars, and the one night he did get off early (apparently) he invited me out and then came over after. We were in the same city for about four weeks. With the exception of the first night, he wasn't pushy for sex. He seems sexually frustrated in general though.

[Zahara]

No, he wasn't scared away when I said I liked him; he only said that he wanted to see me before I left too. This was last Sunday afternoon.

 

So he skipped over your confession. Granted one can spew words to tell you what you want to hear but if he wasn't scared and welcomed what you had to say, he could have easily said he likes you too and that he's not out to intentionally hurt you.

 

He rarely has time to go out to bars, and the one night he did get off early (apparently) he invited me out and then came over after.

 

How do you know? Are you with him every minute of the day? He had time to meet you at the bar.

 

Do you guys go out on dinner dates? Plan daytime activities? Or do you both just go out and end up at his place or your place?

[Erised]

Uh, yeah... This thread has *nothing* to do with the movie, book, or BDSM lifestyle.

:confused:

 

 

To be fair, the movie and the book likewise have nothing to do with the bdsm lifestyle either.

[kendahke]

The Story of O is much better.

[emoore2013]

So he skipped over your confession. Granted one can spew words to tell you what you want to hear but if he wasn't scared and welcomed what you had to say, he could have easily said he likes you too and that he's not out to intentionally hurt you.

 

 

 

How do you know? Are you with him every minute of the day? He had time to meet you at the bar.

 

Do you guys go out on dinner dates? Plan daytime activities? Or do you both just go out and end up at his place or your place?

 

He works 100 hour weeks, so there is hardly any time for daytime plans without the risk of cancellations.

 

He had one protected weekend when I was there and we hung out during the day that Saturday and Sunday. We have been able to hang out weekly, or at least talk on a weekly basis. He at least comes across as good hearted and trustworthy; I met his friends, he was never on his personal phone when we were together, didn't mention any other girls. I told him from the start I didn't want to regret anything and that I don't have sex with strangers. He was understanding, and seemingly patient enough to waited all this time. He did make a lot of promises though (thinking in future tense.."we'll have to do this, "whether it's next week or a month from now", etc. in conversation). It kind of scared me away to be honest. He constantly verbalized that he feels inferior to me and his friends sometimes. He seemed very insecure when we were together and even clingy sometimes.

 

I also sent him a snapchat message telling him that I liked him and that I didn't want to waste my time. He opened the snapchat after he texted me (I didn't reply to his last text). He screenshotted the snapchat message with a second confession basically.

[Zahara]

He works 100 hour weeks, so there is hardly any time for daytime plans without the risk of cancellations.[/quote}

 

Then you have to ask yourself if this is something that is going to work for you. What sort of "dating" experience will you have and what can come of it.

 

The rest is up to you. No one can tell you where this is going to go. It's a risk/chance you have to take.

[mightycpa]

Is it going anywhere? It is probably going to the LDR junkyard, and with him working 100 hours and you being at school hours away, I'd venture to guess you're the one who is going to take it there sooner or later.

 

Being there counts for a lot.

[emoore2013]

Is it going anywhere? It is probably going to the LDR junkyard, and with him working 100 hours and you being at school hours away, I'd venture to guess you're the one who is going to take it there sooner or later.

 

Being there counts for a lot.

 

All valid points. I graduate in a few months though. Do you think I should hold off reaching out to him until we're in the same city again?

[mightycpa]

All valid points. I graduate in a few months though. Do you think I should hold off reaching out to him until we're in the same city again?

 

A lot of that depends on how sensitive he is. Judging from the posts I've read on these forums, there is a fairly large percentage of guys who will go into a full-nelson snit if the girl explains what you would explain. They get offended, they don't evaluate what you have to say, and they don't return texts later on.

 

That said, if it were me, I'd tell him that while you're happy to see him every now and again, as long as you're in school and he's mostly working, you're going to feel free to date if you feel like it.

 

I don't think you have to cut it off, I just don't think you can have a formal relationship either. For all you know, after you graduate, you might move elsewhere. Why complicate it for what will likely be only a few get-togethers?

[emoore2013]

I'm most likely moving to same city as him post graduation for work. The distance is a temporary setback, that's for sure, but I will essentially be in the same area in less than 4 months.

 

From our interactions, he doesn't seem to open up about his feelings unless he's under the influence. We definitely talk about our feelings in a sober setting, however it's usually over the phone or through text. The last text I sent him was the first time I directly admitted my feelings for him. Overall, I'm just struggling to understand if he means what he says. I think it would be different if he was in college and actually had freetime. It's the fact that he apparently has no free time aside from an occasional weekend night here and there.

 

I'm not interested in dating other people at this point. I've realized that this is the nicest guy I've met in a while and am really hoping something can come from it in the near future.

[mightycpa]

I'm not interested in dating other people at this point.

 

I understand... that's why I phrased it as "if you feel like it". It doesn't sound threatening, but it doesn't overpromise either.

 

The funny thing is that usually, you meet some of the most interesting people when you're not looking to change anything. I'm not sure why, but for me at least, it always seemed to work that way.

 

Good luck!

[emoore2013]

Why do you think he didn't try to see me before I left? He said he wanted to see me via text but nothing came from it. Although he said he was recovering from being sick as well.