7 years later & I still love affair partner...

[Lurkeraspect]

I did a horrible thing years ago and fell in love while I was married. My husband was a drug addict, and for almost 7 years I was caught up in that lifestyle. Then I got sober & he wouldn't. I thought I could change him. Honestly though, we were never in love. We were bestfriends who enabled each other.

That doesn't excuse what I did though...

After a 2 year emotional affair with "J" things got physical & within a few weeks I'd left my husband and J left his girlfriend.

A week after that he dumped me. I was crushed. I had said stuff about how I was confused and that I still loved my husband but I wasn't going back. Later he told me that he got scared I'd run back to my husband & so he decided to protect himself and leave first.

Anyway, things ended badly between J and I. I said some very hurtful things, I started dating other guys and within 6 months was engaged to my current husband...

Even though I was still heartbroken over J. But I knew he didn't want me and I knew I'd be in love with him forever no matter what so I might as well force myself to move on. I guess I was also scared to be alone.

Then J and I talked and admitted we were in love with each other through email. My fiance found the emails, sent them to J's girlfriend and **** hit the fan. Again.

I was a coward and didn't trust that J really meant what he said so I told my fiance & J that I was sorry and that I wanted to stay with my fiance. (In reality I wanted J to be the one to put himself out there and fight for me) Anyway, things ended badly again. J told me he didn't actually love me, he was just fighting with his girlfriend and liked the attention. I flipped out on him and said horrible things and messaged his girlfriend and told her everything.

BTW, I'm very ashamed of all this. I know I was acting like a coward and being selfish.

J blocked me after that and we didn't speak for 7 years.

 

Fiance (F) and I almost broke up a few times. He has/had rage issues. But then I got pregnant. That changed everything. J was pushed from my mind and all I cared about was creating a happy safe home for my baby. F was so kind to me the whole pregnancy.

Then I gave birth and after that he was cruel again. I'm sure the stress and lack of sleep didn't help.

We went out drinking with friends one night (we never really party but we wanted to celebrate) and F got drunk and went off on me. I was very scared. He shoved me down and screamed in my face that I was a slut and a whore. He said he was divorcing me and taking our son away. He said that since he makes 7 figures a year and I'm just a stay at home mom that his lawyers will destroy me and I'll never see our son again.

I was scared for my physical safety and called my cop friend. No report was filed and things had called down by the time he arrived.

That was 4 years ago. He hasn't drank around me since. A beer or two on vacation but nothing bad.

He has, however been scary & gone off on a raging rampage more than a few times... We're having a good month but if I'm honest with myself it happens every 6 weeks to varying degrees. It's never physical though.

Besides that he's a really great husband and father. He's attentive, kind, he provides for us, helps out around the house, makes dinner, etc. We actually have a really good marriage.

I do love him. But not as much as I love J. In all this time he's never left my mind or my heart. We started talking again almost a year ago. Just messaging each other. We were both very tentative at first, but after a while we started really talking about the past... We both apologized and admitted we still loved each other. He said he's happy for me that I have a great guy and a child and he's not going to come mess that up. And he's not...I'm always the one that messages him. I think about him every day and it's so hard not to message him...it's like I'm white knuckling it every second...I'm scared to fall anymore in love with him, I'm scared to hurt him and my husband, I'm scared to ruin my son's home, and I'm scared of what my husband would do if he found out we were talking- even just as friends. My husband has said before that he would kill me if I had an affair. The look on his face scared me but I tired to pretend he was just kidding when he said it. But he said that he was serious and that he'd kill me. I still don't know...

I'm so confused and feel so guilty. I don't know what to do and it's been so long and I still love J with all my heart.

What do I do? I'm in counseling.My husband agreed to go to marriage counseling...but what if we fix our marriage and I still just love J more? Is it selfish to leave a good marriage to a loving husband and father just because my heart wants someone else? And would J even want me?

 

I'd forget about J and start enjoying F's 7 figure salary.

[sandylee1]

Reading **** like this makes me want to encourage my sons to never get married.

 

But it works both ways. It's not just women who behave like this.

[sandylee1]

Yes, it is true. I didn't leave right when he said it because I assume he didn't really mean it. I have been scared of him before because of his rage issues but I don't think he'd actually physically hurt me...although if he was blackout drunk I don't know...

 

But it's not like I'm in fear of my life or anything. If I really believed he'd hurt me then I'd leave. I feel like he said that as a way of "beating his chest" and trying to intimidate me into not hurting him I guess? ...I don't know really but it's something I'm going to bring up in our marriage counselling.

 

Threatening to kill your spouse if they have an affair is NOT normal. There are countless cases of women (and men) who have suffered this very fate and many didn't believe their spouse would ever do this.

 

I'd be scared as hell if my husband ever said that to me. Don't minimize it by saying he was beating his chest, that's nonsense. I think he uses his financial strength to intimidate you as well.

 

The problem right now lies with you and I hope the counselling is helping you figure things out. Maybe tell your IC about this threat and the one to take your son away.

 

Asides from the anger problems which IMO are major, how is your marriage? How do you both get along? Is he helpful? Thoughtful and kind? Is there anything lacking in your marriage that keeps taking your mind back to J?

[Priv]

The threat that he would take your son and his attorney would destroy you.

 

What exactly do you think she is doing to him (twice)? Her running off to her AP is pretty much her taking his son away from him. Him saying he will fight for custody does not make him evil, it makes him a father...

[Spectre]

Okay, you realize this guy you love is an utter piece of trash, right? The whole "gets with a married woman" thing showed that. I don't get why women are attracted to scumbags. We aren't even talking about men who put on a front and are slimy underneath, but this person KNEW the type of guy he was and still had an affair with her.

[EverySunset]

Some men ARE AS BAD as you say. My ex was. He did unspeakable abuse to me when doors were closed - physical and sexual. Then threatened me when I wanted to leave. It took an angel I can't talk about here to help get me and my child out and safe.

 

Be your own savior. He has threatened to kill you. Take that seriously, and leave.

 

I know the good times outnber the bad, and for most of every six weeks, you don't want to believe how angry your H is. But I can guarantee you... Go spend a day helping at the women's shelter. ONE DAY. Talk to the women there, tw ones with fresh bruises. Ask them if they loved their BF/H and if they really expected to be there.

 

You aren't fulfilled where you are (you're seeking love and attention elsewhere) It isn't safe where you are (you live with a ragaholic) and I promise you.

 

This only gets better when you leave.

[Chi townD]

Why are you defending someone you don't know?

 

Also, your defense of her husband's comments are belittling her.

 

Let it go, man.

 

Let the woman comment.

 

I don't care if you tell some idiot on the road you are going to kill them, but if someone says that to a spouse, there's an issue.

 

Get help if you feel like you need it for your road rage...

 

 

 

 

DAMN! SWITCH TO DECAF!!! Sh*t! All I was saying that she might have inflated the situation in order to justify her feelings for someone else! It's NOT out of the realm of possibility!!

I mean, she states that she's married to a WONDERFUL man and that she loves him and yet she comes back and he wants to kill her. Well, if that's the case, then she probably wouldn't have written about how lovable he is. I'm not saying he did or didn't say those things. All I'm doing is pointing out another possibility! You know the old kids song "One of these things don't look like the other"! Things don't add up and I'm sorry that I played the devil's advocate. But, I didn't deserve to get blasted and dismissed.

[Realist3]

I don't know if you love J or he loves you, but I will take you at your word.

 

What do I do? I'm in counseling.My husband agreed to go to marriage counseling...but what if we fix our marriage and I still just love J more? Is it selfish to leave a good marriage to a loving husband and father just because my heart wants someone else? And would J even want me?

 

 

I haven't read anywhere in this thread where you state what YOU WANT to do. Everyone is selfish an every aspect of their life to varying degrees. Being selfish in and itself make it wrong. In that context I believe you are asking the wrong question. Is it wrong for you to leave to pursue what makes you happy? No. Is it selfish, sure. What do you want?

 

With that said I would suggest you think long and hard before making any decision to leave. There is no guarantee it will turn out like you envision. Then what?

[Rainbowlove]

DAMN! SWITCH TO DECAF!!! Sh*t! All I was saying that she might have inflated the situation in order to justify her feelings for someone else! It's NOT out of the realm of possibility!!

I mean, she states that she's married to a WONDERFUL man and that she loves him and yet she comes back and he wants to kill her. Well, if that's the case, then she probably wouldn't have written about how lovable he is. I'm not saying he did or didn't say those things. All I'm doing is pointing out another possibility! You know the old kids song "One of these things don't look like the other"! Things don't add up and I'm sorry that I played the devil's advocate. But, I didn't deserve to get blasted and dismissed.

 

This is not about you and it's not about me.

 

However, maybe you missed her response.

 

Yes, it is true. I didn't leave right when he said it because I assume he didn't really mean it. I have been scared of him before because of his rage issues but I don't think he'd actually physically hurt me...although if he was blackout drunk I don't know...

 

But it's not like I'm in fear of my life or anything. If I really believed he'd hurt me then I'd leave. I feel like he said that as a way of "beating his chest" and trying to intimidate me into not hurting him I guess? ...I don't know really but it's something I'm going to bring up in our marriage counselling.

 

 

I think it's interesting that you don't want to be dismissed by me, but you are quick to dismiss her words with your "devils advocate" comment.

 

I'm sure you'll have a further comment in defense of yourself. This isn't a personal attack against you, but rather a reminder to think before you speak.

 

Many women in domestic violence situations will talk about how great their man is, while they are wiping the blood from their nose.

 

Threats against one's life should not be dismissed.

[violet1]

OP, you said that your H is willing to go to marriage counseling. I think that would be a good place for you to tell your H how you truly feel. MC isn't just for those who want to fix their M. It's also for those who need help leaving an unhappy situation in a healthy way.

 

 

As far as J goes, I wonder if he's more of a fantasy than anything else. I don't know, I could be wrong. I do think you need to let the idea of being with J go though. It sounds like the relationship with him was very unhealthy. Just because you love (or think you love) someone doesn't necessarily mean you should be with them. I'm not defending your H or bashing you, but you really shouldn't have married him when your heart was with another man. That's a cruel thing to do to someone. I wish well!

[SoleMate]

One of the biggest problems you should work on is why you even "love" J at all, when he has treated you so badly. I find that inexplicable. Based on your own account, every time you make a move towards J, even at high cost to yourself, he rejects you and causes you pain. I hope you can open your eyes and see that. It's not healthy or rational in an adult to love someone who hurts you so much.

 

Both of your r/s (J and husband) are troubled. I hope you can see that. Both the men own their issues and their behavior, and YOU own picking them, staying with them, and every little narrative in your head that helps you perpetuate either r/s.

 

I'm glad you're NC with J. I hope you stay that way for a lifetime. It will be best for you as then he won't be able to hurt you any more, OR distract you from the important personal self-restorative work you need to do.

 

Also, the anger, rage, and death threats from your H are also a HUGE issue. It is NOT normal or acceptable in our culture to threaten death for an affair (or for traffic annoyances either). I'd insist he get into a program for that ASAP.

[sandylee1]

He earns 7 figures so you'll get a good settlement.

--------------------------------------------------------

That's in the event of a divorce I meant.

[Chi townD]

 

Many women in domestic violence situations will talk about how great their man is, while they are wiping the blood from their nose.

 

Threats against one's life should not be dismissed.

 

 

Oh, women and domestic violence situations....give me a break. Studies have shown that women are just as likely to be violent in a relationship as a man and women are more likely to be violent towards children. Yet, there are over 1500 battered womens shelters in the US and Canada and 0 for men. Your post suggests that all men are violent asshats and that's pretty much border's on misandry.

 

 

AND YES! I did read that post and she feels pretty confident that he would not physically hurt her. You don't know her and I don't know her or her situation. If she doesn't believe that he will be violent towards her, then who are you or even I to tell her any different.

[Rainbowlove]

Oh, women and domestic violence situations....give me a break. Studies have shown that women are just as likely to be violent in a relationship as a man and women are more likely to be violent towards children. Yet, there are over 1500 battered womens shelters in the US and Canada and 0 for men. Your post suggests that all men are violent asshats and that's pretty much border's on misandry.

 

 

AND YES! I did read that post and she feels pretty confident that he would not physically hurt her. You don't know her and I don't know her or her situation. If she doesn't believe that he will be violent towards her, then who are you or even I to tell her any different.

 

You win, buddy.

 

I'm going go pound my decaf...thanks for the suggestion. :laugh:

[sandylee1]

I don't understand why people here don't seem to believe the OP regarding her husband. Just because she stays with her H doesn't mean the threat isn't real.

 

There have been so many cases where such a threat was carried out. If you are really not happy with your H, then you need to leave the marriage. Or at the very least NEVER EVER cheat on him because quite simply, your life won't be worth living.

[Rainbowlove]

I don't understand why people here don't seem to believe the OP regarding her husband. Just because she stays with her H doesn't mean the threat isn't real.

 

Because he didn't mean it.

 

Because it was only words.

 

Because he'd only do it, if he was blacked out drunk.

 

Because, even though she's scared of him, she doesn't believe he'd really kill her.

 

Because he's only raged on her a few times.

 

Because we, as a society in the US, like to ignore the fact that 4 women are killed each day by the hands of their husband.

 

4 is such a small number until it's your daughter, niece, mother, grandmother, aunt, or friend.

 

Hopefully, her counselor will help her see his threats are to be taken seriously and are verbally and emotionally abusive.

Edited February 5, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[MJJean]

My ex hit me. I responded by knocking out some of his teeth. Thank you, Daddy, for taking the time to teach me how to fight.

 

Which is what lead me to a great idea... OP, take serious self defense or martial arts classes. Become a certified badass. If you're busy training you won't be thinking about J and you'll benefit from the fitness as well as the happy hormones we produce when we exercise. Also, you'd be able to defend yourself if your H ever does try to hurt you. Win-win.

[Chi townD]

Wives Also Kill Husbands--Quite Often -- Alan M. Dershowitz

 

 

Women aren't innocent either. We can stop embracing victimhood.

[Selfish]

Wives Also Kill Husbands--Quite Often -- Alan M. Dershowitz

 

 

Women aren't innocent either. We can stop embracing victimhood.

 

You should be ashamed of yourself for downplaying domestic violence. I doesn't matter if susie beats Joe in another situation. That does not chance susie being abused (all forms of abuse) by joe in this situation. You theatrics and one man uncited articles are nothing more than victim blaming.

 

If a man came on here who was the victim of infidelity would you say "women are cheated on too." No because it doesn't make sense or apply to the situation. Or make someone make good healthy descision.

 

SOME WS may demonize their spouse in order to justify wrong. But unless the OP is out right lying I cannot see why people assume that here. We do realize all sorts of people are cheated on? And some of them are really no good people. It happens. Deal with it. If she was talking about regular marital issues amplified (focusing on the bad instead of the good) i'd get calling her out. But in the case of abuse. No, sorry, she needs to get out. And that is true for both men or women. This isn't about a war between the sexes. This is about spousel abuse. So don't be heartless and muddy it down with making it about gender.

 

Whether men are being abused is inmateriel in this situation. Because she is being held hostage. He uses threats (serious and joking) to manipulate and try to control her. So she sees J as what if and escape. But she needs to stop focusing on why she needs these men who treat her like crap in her life.

 

She does not need her husband defended. Or her words questioned when it comes to abuse. If she is lying that is on her and oh well giving the advice to protect herself and get out is still right. But imagine if she is telling the truth? Think about your words then

 

After the first part the you is universal.

[Mr. Lucky]

And would J even want me?

 

Wouldn't it be ironic if J viewed you as just some convenient - but slightly obsessive - married piece on the side? Fun to occasionally hook up with but waaay too much trouble to be in a true relationship with ???

 

Oh look, here you come, back for some more.

 

Seems much more plausible than anything else you've posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Selfish]

Wives Also Kill Husbands--Quite Often -- Alan M. Dershowitz

 

 

Women aren't innocent either. We can stop embracing victimhood.

 

Also, i am not a victim of abuse. So I do not claim so. But if someone is is she not allowed just because of this post?

 

If four women are killed by their husbands everyday is that somehow less important because 4 men are killed by their wives? we don't need less help for women but more offered for men.

[Rainbowlove]

Wives Also Kill Husbands--Quite Often -- Alan M. Dershowitz

 

 

Women aren't innocent either. We can stop embracing victimhood.

 

How does this even help the OP?

[Kaela]

Some of you are giving very good advice. I'm in counseling & not speaking with J. My counselor thinks it's not really an emotional affair, more of a limerence or fantasy...we've spoken a handful of times in the past 7 years, but he's always in the back of my mind. Maybe because I felt so hurt by him, maybe cuz I gave myself less than a year to get over it, or maybe because I just miss him. I don't know.

I do feel that it was wrong of us to say "love" even if it was phrased "I love you and I'm happy that things worked out for you. Congratulations on your new family, etc." We've talked maybe once every month or two but it's always been respectful & friendly. No plans to meet up and I don't think either of us want to.

And I still have a lot of guilt when it comes to him so I feel really guilty talking to him at all. I'm not that worried about it though. I can kinda see how I was focusing on him to distract myself from some very upsetting truths in my marriage. Namely that I don't feel safe, physically or emotionally. There are more stories like the one I told but I'm scared to share them here. We are going to counseling together soon so I hope that will help me feel less affraid. And I hope it will be a wake up call to him. I told my counselor over the phone a quick rundown of the abuse over the years and he said to come in for a couple's session and that he'd be an advocate for my safety and assess the situation.

My husband does have rage issues. It's not something I'm making up to justify talking to my ex-AP. Thank you to those of you who listened to what I was saying...

Edited February 5, 2015 by Kaela

[MJJean]

I don't know if you saw my post, but if not..

 

Please, consider some martial arts and/or self defense classes. It'd be good for you mentally and physically. You'd probably feel less fear and feel more secure if you had the confidence knowing how to defend yourself against a larger attacker.

 

I know it seems silly to some women. I know it seems intimidating. But do it!

 

My then 14 year old tiny blond daughter took Jiu Jitsu for fun. We researched the trainer because we wanted someone who was serious, not a fluff class. The trainer and many of his students compete professionally and we liked that our girl would be in the adult class. She was only one of two girls, but the trainer and the other men in class were very kind and very helpful. They offered no end of encouragement and many wished their wives and daughters were interested.

 

Long story short-ish, she was attacked on the street trying to help a friend before we got her a cell phone. She couldn't call for help. Her attackers were two adults, one male and one female. Her friend was not able to defend himself or her. Because of her training she disabled both attackers with...how shall I phrase this?...enthusiasm? Both adult attackers were sent to the ER. At the time, my daughter was 5'3" and weighed 120 dripping wet.

 

(In case anyone is wondering, the adults declined to press charges when I told the police my daughter was a minor and that if they pressed charges, so would I. The cops said that was fair enough and encouraged them to take that deal. I figure being sent to the ER by a 14 year old girl was punishment enough.)

 

You'd be surprised what you can do with training. Have it and hope you never have to use it, but don't need it and not have it.