ManyDissapoint Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 (edited) Just wanted to post my breakup story. I'll preface this by saying that this has been the most difficult time of my life. I loved this woman more than I thought I could love anyone. She broke up with me last November over drunken IM texting. She was so wasted I couldn't even have a conversation with her at that point. However it was confirmed with a phone call later. We were together for about 2.5 years--three months in the beginning were LDR (after 10 straight days together) and then one month at the end LDR again. We had a romance for the books. Met online, she was too young. We reconnected years later. We were both single at that point. I was 29 she was 22 at the start. I flew across the world to be with her for 10 days and we hit it of amazingly well. She moved to my country to be with me. We were together for a total of 2.5 years, with a period of LDR of 3 months in the beginning and 1 month in the end. Ultimately she resented me for 'bringing' her away from her family and the place where she wanted to live. She could not give up that resentment. I was not ready to move back to her country (which was incidentally my home country, and I had no problem moving there eventually). I left for a small day trip one day and when I came home it was to packed bags. She had had enough and wanted to go home. Importantly she was leaving behind most gifts and mementos, notably some important jewelry that had been handed down to her from my grandmother. Most of my family really loved her and thought we would end up together for the long term. So did I. There were lots of signs and flags but I was in denial. After she was back in her home country we kept in contact every day. She would start arguments in uncharacteristically irrational ways--in retrospect she was most likely trying to get me to break up with her. I would not bite since I am the type of guy who will try everything to make it work. Eventually she finally broke up with me. Memories of her promises and words haunt me to this day: -There's no one in this world better for me than you. -I love you my darling (text message from the plane as she left) -If you are worried about me being faithful let's get married before I leave. -A million I love yous -Talking about our future together in the new country--buying a house, what jobs we would be working etc. -I will wait 10 years for you. She became instantly cold and indifferent. I was reeling. I felt the knife in my heart. The person I loved most in the world had betrayed me. I have never been emotionally introspective I didn't know what was going on with myself. I freaked out a bit. I tried to rationalize with her, outline a logical 'argument' against the reasons she broke up with me for. It was of course no use. We had very limited contact for about 6 weeks. She strung me along giving me hope for a while. Eventually she told me to move on, encouraging me to date other women. Makes me think she wanted to ease her own guilt for dating someone or cheating on me (I have no idea if she cheated on me or is dating anyone)--I refuse to do any stalking. She did say that she is not interested in anyone ever right after the breakup but obviously I don't believe what she says anymore. I struggled very much (although much less so now) with my new reality. My whole body was saturated with love chemicals which were preparing me for a commited life to this woman. Essentially I was preparing myself to start my own family and redirecting my focus to the logistics of that. I was commited to supporting her and even her family. That was all ripped away. We were essentially preparing to move together for 2.5 years, but she went by herself and after a month said "you stay over dere!". It's been 8 weeks of no contact. Maintaining NC has not been a problem. However my heart is traumatized, and I'm wondering how I could have let myself invest emotionally so much into someone. My whole direction in life was contingent on our relationship, although I wasn't dependent on her per se. I am determined to learn as much as I can from this experience, and it goes without saying that I have done serious time reading everything on relationships here and elsewhere. I have been looking inward and found a lot of problems with myself (mostly emotional negligence and denial) that I am working hard on fixing. For those who are interested, her official cause of death of my relationship was that I neglected her unhappiness. On her part she failed to communicate with me her expectations. All par for course really... There's a lot more details but....I just wanted to get this story out there. Edited February 4, 2015 by ManyDissapoint
Author ManyDissapoint Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 Anyone have any opinions? Hehe
Marco Valerio Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 It's not exactly an opinion. But your story is pretty much the same as any other in this forum. I sympathize with your pain, and I do wish it gets better soon. The only thing I can say to you, and promise you is true: - If someone wants to walk out of your life, let them go. If you given them all you had, all you were, and they still want to go, let them go!!! Madea's quote. 1
wb1988 Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 (edited) It sounds like your romance wasn't as good as you think and probably was one sided. Your feeling for her might have clouded the obvious signs from her that you missed. If there was a dream job opportunity that you moved to another city for, any regret and hate you have later would be because the dream job turned out to be boring. If someone took you to a great restaurant then you would be happy with that person, but if it was a horrible restaurant then you would complain. What I'm saying is that to her you are the boring job and you are the terrible restaurant; the textbook romance you think you had isn't what she had. In her mind she probably thought that moving would be great and had high expectations, only to be disappointed. She's angry that she didn't get what she was hoping for and now has to move back, along with the wasted time and crushed hopes. Edited February 5, 2015 by wb1988 2
Author ManyDissapoint Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 It sounds like your romance wasn't as good as you think and probably was one sided. Your feeling for her might have clouded the obvious signs from her that you missed. If there was a dream job opportunity that you moved to another city for, any regret and hate you have later would be because the dream job turned out to be boring. If someone took you to a great restaurant then you would be happy with that person, but if it was a horrible restaurant then you would complain. What I'm saying is that to her you are the boring job and you are the terrible restaurant; the textbook romance you think you had isn't what she had. In her mind she probably thought that moving would be great and had high expectations, only to be disappointed. She's angry that she didn't get what she was hoping for and now has to move back, along with the wasted time and crushed hopes. Thank you for your comments. These are I think pretty accurate observations and I have come pretty much to the same painful conclusion. However I don't think it was right for her to lead me on so much. She must have been aware that I loved her more than she loved me. But I can't point fingers since I myself lacked a lot of introspection in this relationship. She said many times how she wanted to go back, but wouldn't go back without me. I think she was trying to convince herself that she had made the right choice in the first place. Sunk cost fallacy etc.
GoBlue Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I am sorry for your heartache ManyDissapoint, I truly am. When the investment of love has been made, there are few things as difficult to go through in life than a break-up. Many men express the same amazement and bewilderment about what went wrong when their love interest ends it. I want to give you some insight, most women cut-off contact with their partner after a break-up in order to protect their hearts. You should not take this as a sign that she really didn't love you or that she is suddenly callous. It is a normal pattern to be honest with you. I compare that to the normal pattern of men in a relationship. We often take our partners for granted and do not give enough credence to their complaints and/or needs (in this case her longing to be home). It usually takes some kind of crisis before we see how important that person was to us or how important that need was to them. Unfortunately, this often comes in the form of a break-up, or worse yet, a divorce. Hang in there and be encouraged my friend. I have found in my experience that most of the time a relationship that experiences a break-up has one of two responses. They either come back together at a later date much stronger with more resolve and commitment, or they move onto something better. Good days lay ahead for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 1
Author ManyDissapoint Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 I am sorry for your heartache ManyDissapoint, I truly am. When the investment of love has been made, there are few things as difficult to go through in life than a break-up. Many men express the same amazement and bewilderment about what went wrong when their love interest ends it. I want to give you some insight, most women cut-off contact with their partner after a break-up in order to protect their hearts. You should not take this as a sign that she really didn't love you or that she is suddenly callous. It is a normal pattern to be honest with you. I compare that to the normal pattern of men in a relationship. We often take our partners for granted and do not give enough credence to their complaints and/or needs (in this case her longing to be home). It usually takes some kind of crisis before we see how important that person was to us or how important that need was to them. Unfortunately, this often comes in the form of a break-up, or worse yet, a divorce. Hang in there and be encouraged my friend. I have found in my experience that most of the time a relationship that experiences a break-up has one of two responses. They either come back together at a later date much stronger with more resolve and commitment, or they move onto something better. Good days lay ahead for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Thank you for your kind words. Although she did not discount the idea of getting back together in the very distant future, I don't put any stock in that. In her mind she was probably telling me something that I wanted to hear. I don't think I could ever trust her again, even though I don't disagree that I messed up a lot of things in the relationship. She refuses any blame and as such will not have done any introspection. It's such a shame. Also if someone breaks up without trying to fight for the relationship and then dates other people, I personally process that on an emotional level as some kind of infidelity. I couldn't do it.
wb1988 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Another way to look at it is that you were able to get a girl to move for you, that's something, and that she made the big effort. You should thank her for the experience as well as the effort she made to try to make it work, and that you are sorry and understand why the relationship didn't work out. You live and learn.
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