We both were miserable, I wanted out, but now I'm falling apart

[germain]

Over time (span of a year or so), my ex and I both became really unhappy with the relationship after frequent fights. And as the relationship became less stable, I became more insecure. After an argument about three weeks ago, I ended it but immediately regretted the decision. This time however, she wouldn't take me back. She said she saw a future together but just "not right now"...the relationship was becoming too difficult for her emotionally.

 

I can't say I don't understand or disagree with what she said. But why am I still so miserable and heartbroken? So many times I wanted to end it myself but wouldn't accept giving up, yet still deep down wished she would end it. Why can't I just move past this? Why don't I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders? Instead I feel like I messed up really bad, lost the love of my life, and am dying to hear from her again.

 

It's been almost a month now with one week of not speaking at my request.