Gallaxia Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Would you consider dating someone who said that they "had" a drinking problem "about a year ago"? The conversation changed before I got to ask if he sought treatment. This guy I recently started to get to know brought it up briefly in a phone conversation. Even on our first date he had a few more drinks than I did (I had 2) and teased me a bit about not having more to drink. Am I being overly cautious or is this a red flag?
Standard-Fare Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I think you already know the answer to this. If someone says they "had a drinking problem" in the recent past, you want to see them being sober, or at the very least, showing some restraint with drinking. Instead you saw this guy downing more than two drinks on your date. 4
bathtub-row Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 No, I would not date this person; and, yes, it's a big red flag. 3
angel.eyes Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Agreed. Not overly cautious, just smart. Let him toss back the drinks and discuss his drinking non-problem with someone else on his next date. 3
Satu Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I had a good friend who died a few years ago. When I met him he told me that he was a non-drinking alcoholic. For the first two years of our friendship he stayed sober. Then he started drinking, and drank himself to death within two years. I discovered him dead in his flat. Alcoholism is a serious and often fatal disease, and I strongly advise you not to get involved with this man. 2
Author Gallaxia Posted February 4, 2015 Author Posted February 4, 2015 That's pretty much what I thought. Thanks for confirming my gut, guys. 1
Author Gallaxia Posted February 4, 2015 Author Posted February 4, 2015 So how would you back out of date #2 (Thurs)?
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Wouldn't even be a factor for me... 1
Satu Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 So how would you back out of date #2 (Thurs)? I would be totally honest. 3
Standard-Fare Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I would be totally honest. Yep, I don't think you have much to lose with that tactic. You should just say something like: "I'll be honest, addiction scares the crap out of me, so it raised a serious red flag that you said you had a drinking problem but then indulged in several drinks on our date. I'm not judging you but I also know I don't want to head down this road. I wish you well." He might get defensive and raise objections, in which case you you'd just need to stay firm and not let him to talk you out of it. Or he might just feel ashamed, or think you're a b*tch, and not respond at all. 3
angel.eyes Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 So how would you back out of date #2 (Thurs)? Call him up and just tell him that while he seems like a great guy, you've been thinking, and you now realize that you guys just aren't a match. You don't want to waste his time by going on another date when things won't progress any further. Please don't get into an assessment of his behavior, whether he drinks too much, and why his drinking level should be unacceptable. That just invites arguments because he thinks he doesn't have a drinking problem. Your assessment of him will therefore be wrong in his eyes, and he'll focus on defending himself and correcting your misguided assessment. Bottom line is you're not interested anymore. This is about you, not him. Someone else may be perfectly fine with his drinking and may even engage in drinking contests with him until they both black out. But you guys just aren't a match. That's the bottom line. Keep it simple and focus on the facts, not opinions. Fact: You're not feeling it after the date. That's not debatable. Opinion: Whether he or you is right in your assessments of his drinking non-problem. Even in this thread, a couple of posters didn't have a problem dating someone with his drinking behavior. Don't start debates when you tell someone you're not interested. It's an unnecessary hassle. Ultimately when you don't want to date someone, it's about you and your feelings...not him. Be nice. Be gently clear. Be firm. Then move on. 3
Diezel Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Absolute dealbreaker. I like to drink. If I'm dating someone with an "alcohol problem", it either means: (1) We can't hit a bar, because I'm going with them into the belly of the beast. So already, that eliminates a lot of the places I like to go to, specially during winter. (2) If they HAD an alcohol problem but are drinking presently and egg me on to drink more, they still HAVE an alcohol problem and I'm part of the enabling process. NEXT. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I would date somebody who HAD a drinking problem. I would not date somebody who thinks they had a problem & still drinks more than me because that person is lying to themselves. I went on a 1st date with a guy who told me he doesn't drink. I don't drink when I have to drive so I didn't drink at all on the date. He downed 3 martinis at the bar before we got our table. Normally I wouldn't have cared or counted but if 3 martinis in about 45 minutes is not drinking, I had to wonder what he thought somebody with a problem consumed. We did not have a 2nd date. 1
Standard-Fare Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Fact: You're not feeling it after the date. That's not debatable. Opinion: Whether he or you is right in your assessments of his drinking non-problem. Even in this thread, a couple of posters didn't have a problem dating someone with his drinking behavior. Don't start debates when you tell someone you're not interested. It's an unnecessary hassle. Ultimately when you don't want to date someone, it's about you and your feelings...not him. Be nice. Be gently clear. Be firm. Then move on. Yeah, on second thought, I think this poster above might be right. The only good reason for the OP to address the drinking would be to give the guy a head's up that this issue could cause trouble with dating. OR, if this guy insists on demanding more information after she calls things off. It'd be different if they'd been dating for a while. But after just one date, no explanations should be necessary.
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 No explanations are needed. Just say you don't see a future & walk away. There is no need to confront somebody you barely know about what you perceive as their drinking problem.
Author Gallaxia Posted February 4, 2015 Author Posted February 4, 2015 Thanks. You've given me a lot to consider. Obviously I want to approach this as delicately as possible even if it's just after 1 date. IDK what his triggers are. And while it is a perceived problem, the tell-tale signs do seem there.
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Thanks. You've given me a lot to consider. Obviously I want to approach this as delicately as possible even if it's just after 1 date. IDK what his triggers are. And while it is a perceived problem, the tell-tale signs do seem there. I wasn't questioning your perception. I was saying that you don't need to be in the middle of it. When you decline to proceed I would simply be vague, unless pushed. 2
preraph Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 He's an alcoholic who thinks he can just cut back. I'd throw him back in the pond because he's not being honest with himself, so he sure can't be honest with you. 2
Author Gallaxia Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 Oh no. He wants to know why I backed out.
Gaeta Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Oh no. He wants to know why I backed out. Just tell him you don't feel enough chemistry or enough in common. 1
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