HopeLessLoner Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 My ex dumped me in November because she realized she had no time for anything serious with school and work. I've been wanting to talk to her and try to sort things out but I don't know how to approach the situation. I've been with other girls before but never have I found myself in this situation where I think she's the "one". We never had any major arguments or anything of the sort. We had already started planning on moving in together and starting a family sometime this year. I guess I'm asking this now because earlier last year I set a goal to propose to her this Valentines. My question is, is it still possible to get someone back after four months?
mightycpa Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 My question is, is it still possible to get someone back after four months? Of course it is, but that's not what's important. What's important is that SHE DUMPED YOU because she didn't have any time. That makes it 1000 times more difficult. 1
marcelo.santos Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 My ex dumped me in November because she realized she had no time for anything serious with school and work. Sorry Bro, but I have to say you: She dumped you because she didnt like you enough at that time, maybe she realizes that she is wrong, but you have a 1% chance here. I know that she is still the one in your mind, you just need more time, dont worry - you will heal some day. Forget her.. Go NC and move one. 3
Seeker12 Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I agree with Marcelo here, she just didnt like you enough. My ex bless her, through all of college etc. stood by me, i helped her, she helped me through all the work that we had, supported and encouraged eachother. So for your ex to say what she did is complete and utter bull to me to be honest, she could be telling the truth, but more often than not a dumper isnt. Work etc. isnt enough for a person to stop a relationship fullstop, unless shes just not that into you. Anyway, you can get her back, even after 4 months, even after 1 year, its always possible, but the question is even though you feel you want her right now saying i love you, in 1 years time would you want her back? Right now is your time to heal, move on, enjoy yourself, find out what priorities there are in your life, your ex clearly did, so when she comes back you can put her right in her place. 1
Jimmyjackson Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 If someone wants to be with you, they will be. No amount of school work is going to get in the way, everyone has things to do and busy lives to lead, but they still make room for those who matter too. My guess is there is another reason, but then again that's just my opinion 2
Nolan 93 Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 True If she really wanted to be with you she would. With my current ex I was working a full time job, and she a part so she had more free time and even though I was busy we still made it work. Even though she left me for her ex, which sucks, but even in my situtuation if she wanted to be with me she would. But she would rather be with her hs sweetheart I guess. So live and learn
Kinetica84 Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I've always thought " I don't have time" is a lame arse excuse. If someone wants to be with you they will be with you.
Kermit007 Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I've always thought " I don't have time" is a lame arse excuse. If someone wants to be with you they will be with you. This! I've had multiple relationships so far and in most of them I didn't have much arguments or fights. However...most of them at some point got cold on me. In my situation this started with not hanging out as much as before. When I confronted each of these girls they all said I was over reacting. Trust me I wasnt, cause I didnt almost get to hang out with them anymore. Couple of weeks later, things ALWAYS ended. What was the truth ? They had time but didnt want to spend it together. So this above is very true! If someone wants to be with you, they would and would make and effort. This also happened with my last GF. When I said I couldnt continue like this, she took her stuff, left and said "I love you, but I guess we just dont match" Weird....cause when I said we didnt hang out as much as we used to she replied by saying I was imagining things. Yet wen I broke it off she didnt do anything to stop it. Thats how big the love was. She probably flet relieved it was over
Author HopeLessLoner Posted February 4, 2015 Author Posted February 4, 2015 Would it be unwise to fight for her at this point?
Harradin Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Would it be unwise to fight for her at this point? Yes. (10 characters)
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I don't think it would be unwise for you to make ONE attempt to contact her with the hope of reconciliation. Do not propose this Valentine's Day. That would be unwise. Understand I'm saying you can make one phone call, ask for one meeting & go to that meeting if she agrees. Do not chase beyond that. Do not stalk her. Do not beg. I have no belief that she will take your call, agree to a meet or want to get back together. But you need to try & get shot down again so you have closure or at least some impetus to move on & stop mourning; you don't yet fully believe that she is really gone & not coming back. I am hoping this last shot lets you close the book on this chapter of your life. I don't have time for you is an excuse. She was trying to let you down gently. If she thought you were the One, she would have found the time to be with you. During the busiest most stressful summer of my life while we were both studying for a very difficult licensing exam, my then BF & I still managed to have lunch together every week day. Sometimes, that 45 minutes was all the time we spent together & there weren't very many phone calls. But we fit it in, because it was important. She didn't care enough about you or the relationship to try. Sorry. So, my advice is really, keep up the NC because it's your best bet to heal. But since you don't quite believe, maybe you need to get your feelings hurt this one last time. It's kind of like the kid who doesn't believe the mom when she says not to touch the hot stove; some kids don't understand until they get burned.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Would it be unwise to fight for her at this point? Yes. She apparently doesn't want the same things as you do. It hurts, but you need to get the proposal/moving in/family plans out of your head. That isn't in the cards anymore. I think fighting for her would only bring you more pain. For her, it's already over. Focus instead on healing and moving forward to a new chapter in your life.
Jimmyjackson Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Would it be unwise to fight for her at this point? Yeah, tell yourself this. She broke up with me, gave me a lame excuse, she hasn't contacted me since. Why should I try reason with someone who's willing to drop me so easily? She needs to understand that I AM the prize, not her. Ask yourself this, how can you have a future with someone who can't juggle school work and a boyfriend at the same time? Don't propose either, it will look like it's out of desperation more than anything (and is). Don't give yourself to someone who doesn't value your existence. 1
mightycpa Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Or, put yourself in her shoes.. you're going out with someone, you lose interest, they haven't, and now you have to figure out a way for that someone to find out so that you can move on. Options: 1) Cheat and get caught 2) Announce it suddenly with no warning 3) Withdraw slowly, in steps over a short period of time 4) Be unpleasant, stay until they dump you Most people are going to go with #3, because it seems less cruel, but still gets the job done. You feel like you can break the news little by little, and then when things are more distant and not so good, the dumpee won't feel like he's losing something valuable. Of course, that almost never works the way they hope, but maybe now you can see why you don't fight this.
RedButton Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Definitely evaluate the relationship and see what wasn't working. There must have been a reason you two broke up. It's probably not even anyone's fault, but maybe you were just incompatible for some reason. My last breakup it was clear to see that we were very different and we were both starting to feel the strain. Whenever I thought about the possibility of getting back together, I forced myself to think of all the times I would be unhappy but soldier on because I wanted to make things work, or the times I thought about breaking things off myself because I wasn't happy myself. I understand that not every breakup is like that, but if you try to analyse it, hopefully you can see why things didn't work. If you really feel the need to reach out, maybe you can do so, but make sure you're confident in yourself enough that you can survive and move on if it doesn't work.
Author HopeLessLoner Posted February 4, 2015 Author Posted February 4, 2015 Definitely evaluate the relationship and see what wasn't working. There must have been a reason you two broke up. It's probably not even anyone's fault, but maybe you were just incompatible for some reason. That's the thing I've spent endless times trying to figure out the reason being compatible wasn't an issue we were great friends for for years prior to this and to be honest always feared one day messing up the relationship and throwing our friendship as well. I've considered asking her where we went wrong but not too sure that would be smart. I've tried keeping myself busy school, work, and gym whatever free time I have but its still hard.
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 That's the thing I've spent endless times trying to figure out the reason being compatible wasn't an issue we were great friends for for years prior to this and to be honest always feared one day messing up the relationship and throwing our friendship as well. I've considered asking her where we went wrong but not too sure that would be smart. I've tried keeping myself busy school, work, and gym whatever free time I have but its still hard. The beginning is always the toughest. You took a double whammy you lost a GF & a dear friend. You may not have done anything wrong. She may simply have concluded that you were a better buddy than BF. She knew that she couldn't remain your friend when you wanted more. Perhaps after V-Day you can ask her what went wrong. I'm only saying you can try because you were friends 1st. That hook may motivate her to talk to you. If there was actually something that you did wrong use that insight to improve your next relationship. Do not try to convince her that you have or can change. That never works.
Author HopeLessLoner Posted February 4, 2015 Author Posted February 4, 2015 Thanks for the advice, I know I probably won't get her back but I would like to save our friendship if that's possible.
PaperCrane Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Thanks for the advice, I know I probably won't get her back but I would like to save our friendship if that's possible. Maybe but not now. Realistically you're looking at many months if not years down the road. Don't worry about anything regarding her in any way. Just focus on your day to day. Make plans and do what you enjoy. There are no shortcuts, just a nice long drive through feelsville. 1
Author HopeLessLoner Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 What would you say is a good time to try and talk to her?Due to work I see her anywhere from every day to every other day.
PaperCrane Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 You see her but that's it. The writer of the No Contact guide saw his ex every day at work and some other things as well. Keep contact to a business only level. Be polite but concise and do not engage in actual conversation. Like I said before. Do not worry about anything regarding her. Right now your concern is you and you alone. If she reaches out to you, awesome! Ignore it. When the time is right for you two to be friends again, if ever, it will present itself. I will tell you though, it will for sure not be anytime time. Things are simply too fresh. I know it's been four months, and it feels like forever, but still treat it as if it were new. Since you're worrying about it so much, that's a sign that the time is not right.
Author HopeLessLoner Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 I know im over thinking but im thinking of applying elsewhere partially because it's hard to move forward seeing her every day but also because I want to try something new. My question is if the occasion occurs and I do get the job would it be okay to try to talk her then? If everything goes well itll be within a month or two?
sober and dry Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 HopeLessLoner sorry but what does getting a job as to do with talk to her?
Author HopeLessLoner Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 Sorry I was a bit unclear, I mean if I do get the job would it bad idea to ask her if we could talk before leaving. You know since we won't see each other on a daily basis.
sober and dry Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 What would be the point exactly in talking to her before leaving? You said you wanted to try and save at least the friendship, well I don't think it's the time for that since you are asking yourself if you should or not even speak with her. I mean, it seems that things still somewhat raw and that's not a good starting point to try and have a friendship with an ex. I guess you can imagine why it's not.
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