Have I screwed up so bad I've lost her?

February 6, 2015

This is where you're really shooting yourself in the foot. She is already gone, and has been for a little while. You're just not allowing yourself to see it yet, which is normal because it's so painful. You won't be able to start recovering until you start to look at your life in a different way, so for your own sake, stop telling yourself you're going to lose her forever. She made a choice to walk away and her lack of a response over the last while indicates she's standing by that choice for the time being. You need to give yourself time.

But if I ignore this, she may end up with a new guy. I do see a difference between losing her for a time and losing her for good

February 6, 2015

Maybe it is, but NC, as much as any other step feels like I might lose her. If I take this time to heal, she will have moved on and lose interest/made me a distant memory. If that happens, I'm screwed...

I hate to say it, RS, because I know it hurts, but the fact is that you have already lost her. Maybe for a while, maybe forever, but at this point in time, she's gone. She wants no contact with you. You've left three or four balls in her court, and she's returned none of them. It's time to stop serving them up. You need to accept that she's gone and begin to move on.

February 9, 2015

Update: She just recently followed me on Twitter and favourited an old tweet from about a week ago (saying I was looking forward to the new series of a TV show as I had enjoyed the last season (I watched it with her)). Haven't contacted her about it, it was late at night so she may have been drunk doing it. Not sure what to do...

February 14, 2015

Hey all, just thought I'd give an update.

I broke NC last week as I had made it through a month, no response. Not sure if I mentioned it.

I felt quite under pressure with her moving back to my town for college. I was told by a friend she was seen in college with the new guy on Monday. I was quite upset on hearing this, had a very bad dream of her rejecting me Monday night and woke up incredibly down on Tuesday and in tears. I texted her again (stupidly) Tuesday saying "If you knew how down I was, you'd want to talk to me", she responded "I'll call you at 2". Feeling bad about this I responded before 2 saying she didn't have to call me if she didn't want to. Got a text at 2 saying "call me".

I called her and within 20 seconds she had me in uncontrollable tears. She was aggressive, nasty and malicious. I explained I was quite down and just wanted to talk and that I still care about her. She basically told me that if I cared about her, I would never contact her again. She told me I was emotionally blackmailing her. She told me that we aren't a couple, we aren't friends, we aren't anything and she doesn't care what happens to me. I told her I was trying to give her space but feeling pressure of her coming back and I was afraid of bumping into her and possibly her new guy, to which she responded "I don't spend all my time with him, we're not joined at the hip, I made that mistake with you and that was a disaster".

She said that I treated her **** for 2 years and she expanded on this. This killed me for a few reasons 1) I tried my absolute hardest to treat her well. 2) I did everything I could 3) I never mistreated a woman in my life. This part killed me, all I could do was repeat I'm sorry sobbing.

The worst thing she said to me was when I explained I was worried about her. She asked why to which I said that she was extremely down before our breakup and she had threatened suicide and self-harm. She responded "while I have issues I'll have for the rest of my life, I don't feel this way anymore as I'm rid of you". She basically said I was the causing of her wanting her commit suicide. I've never had something more hurtful said to me in my entire life. I knew she was down, I cared for her more than anyone during her depression and encouraged her and helped her and she just said I was the cause of it.

Now I've said in OP that I'm going through some deep depression and I had a relapse on Tuesday. I had to hang up on her because I coul handle anymore abuse. She knows I'm on anti-depressants and she knows that I was in hospital during Christmas and she was still so vicious.

I stayed in bed all day Tuesday crying myself to sleep, didn't eat for 48 hours but I contacted counselling services and made an appointment Tuesday. I was scared for my frame of mind and told her this.

Wednesday I returned to work after talking to some friends. I wasn't in a great frame of mind understandably. I arranged to meet friends after work. Talked it through with them and I made the decision that I was going to withdraw from my work promotion as I couldn't handle the stress of both situations and that I was going to use my free time to be proactive on my mental health. I've been told that what she said was to hurt me, but I still struggle with that as it's clear as day that I cared about her and loved her very much. They told me she projected her issues at me, which makes me worried about her more than anything.

But my intention and goals now are clear: I have to look after myself and care for myself. I as forced into this lesson by her and that's tough but I have to do it, I have no other choice. I realised I'm the last person who can help her, my rule now is that my door is always open to her but I can't keep chasing her.

I'm Sad I had to withdraw from the promotion I was likely to get. My contract finishes in July and I will have to look for work elsewhere but that's ok as I need to get more career orientated.

It's not going to be easy but I'm prepared to look after myself which I cannot recall the last time I did that. I might fall but I need to dust myself off and keep going, I have no other choice other than to give up.

I'm still devastated, upset and most of my work colleagues (100+) know I've had to pull out of the promotion due to "personal reasons" as do my family but I've realised that I have some great friends around me who have helped me through the last few days.

I worry about my ex but she knows where I am if she needs me. I can't do anything more, it's really unfortunate and I still love her but there's genui nothing more I can do without causing more damage than good.

It's not a nice ending but hopefully it starts something good for me. I'll get to a good place and if me and my ex meet in future and we're in a place to be happy as a couple, as friends, as individuals, any would make me happy, if we're both happy. I'm working towards that and thanks to posters here who helped me, even if I initially disagreed. I've learned it's very easy to be subjective but when you care about someone, we defy what's logical because we care and that's ok to a point because it shows a caring nature.

I hope all LS members take care of themselves this Valentines day, it's not easy to be alone but even if you are, you don't have to be alone the next day or the day after.

Thanks all,

RS

February 14, 2015

my rule now is that my door is always open to her but I can't keep chasing her.

I worry about my ex but she knows where I am if she needs me.

You need to completely let go and not be there for her. Why would you want to be there for someone who just put you through hell and verbally abused you? F that.

Shut that door and deadbolt it.

February 14, 2015

Dude you have to get yourself in the right frame of mind. Leave her alone and work on you. You're already screwing this up because you think she's your world and she doesn't want to be a part of it. You've taking yourself out of the running for a promotion because of her? You're letting her consume you. Break free, do things for you not her. I guarantee you, if you focus on yourself, by this time next year she will be a distant memory. Hard to do, I know, but you won't heal until you make the effort on being better for you

Edited February 14, 2015 by Mi7522

February 14, 2015

You need to completely let go and not be there for her. Why would you want to be there for someone who just put you through hell and verbally abused you? F that.

Shut that door and deadbolt it.

I'm not there for her though. I haven't communicated that and I wont. If she ever wants to come to me because she's down or upset, then I'll be there as someone who cares about her and nothing more.

I'm not going to go chasing her anymore but in order to 'shut that door', I'd have to hate her which I don't and I don't think I ever will. She's in a bad place and in the unlikely event she ever came to me in trouble, who am I to turn her away? No matter how much we claim to hate our exes on here, there's always a part that cares.

It's a massive amount of progress I've made, I think, I hope I'm not wrong...

February 14, 2015

Dude you have to get yourself in the right frame of mind. Leave her alone and work on you. You're already screwing this up because you think she's your world and she doesn't want to be a part of it. You've taking yourself out of the running for a promotion because of her? You're letting her consume you. Break free, do things for you not her. I guarantee you, if you focus on yourself, by this time next year she will be a distant memory. Hard to do, I know, but you won't heal until you make the effort on being better for you

I didn't take myself out of the running over her. I took myself out due to the stress of the situation and the glaring need to start being proactive for myself. It was on my terms.

I think I didn't get that message across that I'm focused on myself more than I have ever been. I genuinely don't know how as I've put a lot of people before me in my life. It's a learning curve for me and it's a start...

February 14, 2015

I'm not there for her though. I haven't communicated that and I wont. If she ever wants to come to me because she's down or upset, then I'll be there as someone who cares about her and nothing more.

I'm not going to go chasing her anymore but in order to 'shut that door', I'd have to hate her which I don't and I don't think I ever will. She's in a bad place and in the unlikely event she ever came to me in trouble, who am I to turn her away? No matter how much we claim to hate our exes on here, there's always a part that cares.

It's a massive amount of progress I've made, I think, I hope I'm not wrong...

You do not have to hate someone to "shut the door." I don't hate my ex but I have some self respect and wouldn't allow someone to use me for emotional support after not being there for me.

Best of luck to you either way.

February 14, 2015

The big problem here was that you came together when you were both in a bad state mentally.

You were both supposedly helping one another, but in reality I guess neither of you were in a fit state to help anyone.

She was in a dark place, you were in a dark place; add in the normal stress of forming a relationship, it was never going to work.

You were like drowning people both clinging to each other, but neither of you had the ability to make it to shore. You were each bringing the other down with them.

Something had to give and thankfully you are both now coming out the other end better people.

Keep up the NC, work on your mental health and yourself; you will be fine.

February 16, 2015

Another update: she's now in a relationship with the guy she hooked up with within a week of our split. Very hurt and my confidence is shot. Feel like I've basically been replaced.

Yes I am moving on and I know we were bound to fail but I'm very hurt that there wasn't even a mourning period, there wasn't an opportunity given to talk or anything.

I know I get harsh replies on here but I am trying. Can someone explain this to me? Because without any explanation, my confidence is ruined.

February 17, 2015

Bump: anyone any advice?

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