yanx84 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I'm in absolute despair right now on what to do with this relationship I'm in. We've been dating for 2 years now and the sex has been pretty stagnant the entire time. Other than sex we're a great match. We've been talking about marriage and our future now for the past 6 months. We moved in together and we even had her grandmothers ring appraised together. It's gotten very serious. For the first year of dating the sex was on and off between once a week and once every other week. It always bothered me but never knew how to put it into words to her. The more we dated I could just see that it wasn't of great importance to her. She would never initiate, but more importantly would never show great enthusiasm about it. That's the other part. Even when it happens it just basically constitutes her laying there always doing the same missionary position. She seems very content and shy about it. I always make sure to get her off every time we have sex to ensure that that's not the reason for her lack of interest. It doesn't seem like anything I can even resolve by talking with her that'll just make her feel more depressed and self conscious about herself more. So do I just break up with her out of the blue or tell her that I want to break up because of her lack of enthusiasm for sex. I have this girl that I already love so much. Breaking up with her would crush her, but telling her the reason why too? I almost feel like I'm trapped in this relationship because of how much I love her and the built up seriousness of our relationship. On one end of the spectrum, she's the best girlfriend I've ever had, she's gorgeous, smart and incredibly well grounded. On the other end, sex is important to me and I need that excitement of making love to her regularly. Even if it was once a week, as long it was exciting and she seemed really into it. I'm absolutely torn...
pteromom Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 You absolutely have the right to decide what is important to you. Nobody else can tell you what is right or wrong for you. Would you be happy with a lifetime of sex as it is now? If not, there is no point in continuing the relationship as it is now. BUT - Have you talked to her about it? Does she WANT to be more sexually assertive and open? If she does, you could get some self-help books and work through some exercises and see if she is able to get more in touch with herself in this area. 2
NopeNah Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I see nothing wrong with ending it over lack of sex...It's kinda a big deal to me! 1
pteromom Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It doesn't seem like anything I can even resolve by talking with her that'll just make her feel more depressed and self conscious about herself more. It's all in how it is framed. You can't say "You don't satisfy me." Or "You are really boring in bed so I am going to break up with you." First you start with... "Do you have any sexual fantasies?" "What do you think about people who are into (BDSM, threesomes, etc. etc.) These should be general conversations about OTHER people just to get an idea of her values about sex. "Would you ever like to try ____?" (Choose a sexual adventure that is pretty simple that doesn't require much of her as far as her being assertive. Sounds like it could be something as simple as doggy style!) Just start making talking about sex part of your conversation. Don't be judgmental about ANYTHING she says. Remember, this is a learning exercise for you. You are seeking to understand her, so you know what options are best for helping to open her up to new experiences. Get her comfortable talking about it, and just keep slowly getting her to try new things. If she won't, find out WHY. The WHY is the key to maybe solving it. If it is because she is shy, you can get there. If it is because she thinks it is disgusting and would NEVER do it, well, maybe not. 1
mightycpa Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) It doesn't seem like anything I can even resolve by talking with her that'll just make her feel more depressed and self conscious about herself more. I'm not sure what you mean by this, but I suspect that there has been a lack of forthright communication about this. That said, there's a lot to be said for natural enthusiasm, and if she doesn't have it, then she's not likely to develop it either. You might want to talk about those earth-shattering orgasms you're giving her too, just to make sure they are real. Here's an idea that will get the conversation real - Find a movie of your favorite porn star doing enthusiastic sex that is not too esoteric... missionary, doggy, cowboy, whatever might look familiar. Mainly, I suppose you'd be happy if she'd just ramp up the passionate part of passion, so find that. Show it to her, and tell her that's what you like in a woman, and does she think that she could be that for you, why or why not? Maybe she's just too self-conscious, rather than uninterested. Maybe it is something about your style. You won't know unless you ask. The advice about not being judgmental is spot on. Don't act hurt either, if you hear something you'd rather not have heard. When you're in your 50's and 60's, things will slow down, and it won't be so physical. But there's probably a damn long time between now and then, and you don't sound like you'd be a lot happier riding the roller coaster than the merry-go-round. Edited February 3, 2015 by mightycpa
pteromom Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Find a movie of your favorite porn star doing enthusiastic sex that is not too esoteric... missionary, doggy, cowboy, whatever might look familiar. Show it to her, and tell her that's what you like in a woman, and does she think that she could be that for you, why or why not? OH MY GOSH. No, No, NO! Don't do this. I don't think there is a way you could think of to make a reserved woman feel crappier about herself. 2
mightycpa Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) OH MY GOSH. No, No, NO! Don't do this. I don't think there is a way you could think of to make a reserved woman feel crappier about herself. :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: I suppose that depends on what is more important to you... how she feels for a little while or how you might spend the rest of your life. Break an egg to make an omelette? Sometimes, this must be done! Thank you for the bellylaugh, pteromom. Edited February 3, 2015 by mightycpa
Phoe Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 OH MY GOSH. No, No, NO! Don't do this. I don't think there is a way you could think of to make a reserved woman feel crappier about herself. I agree, I was thinking the EXACT same thing. While I personally would be fine with being shown a porn scene (heck, I'll show a guy a few of my own picking)... I know VERY few women in my life, who would be okay with it. Most would be quite hurt, and a good chunk would kick said guy to the curb for being so insensitive. OP - all I can say is TALK TO HER. Let her know that spicing of the sex life and exploring new and exciting varieties of sex together with her, is very important to you.
mightycpa Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I agree, I was thinking the EXACT same thing. While I personally would be fine with being shown a porn scene (heck, I'll show a guy a few of my own picking)... I know VERY few women in my life, who would be okay with it. Most would be quite hurt, and a good chunk would kick said guy to the curb for being so insensitive. OP - all I can say is TALK TO HER. Let her know that spicing of the sex life and exploring new and exciting varieties of sex together with her, is very important to you. Mars/Venus, I suppose. If a girlfriend had ever said, Think you can do this for me?I would have wondered what great thing I had done to deserve such a gem... and if I was grossed out by it, then at least I'd know I was dealing with a freak. anyway, I think the common thread here is to discuss it, one way or the other. Good luck, OP.
Diezel Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 If you think it's bad now, it's going to get even worse if you even decide to marry her. You don't believe me? Go take a gander at Dead Bedrooms on Reddit. THAT is your future. And for the record, sex isn't your only problem. It's a common theme within sexless relationships... "Everything is GREAT, EXCEPT sex." Sex is an expression of physical intimacy. If your relationship is lacking that, it's lacking more than just the physical form of expression. You have communication problems, the two of you... first and foremost. Trust me, as soon as you sign that marriage certificate, it'll only get worse. 1
Phoe Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Mars/Venus, I suppose. If a girlfriend had ever said, I would have wondered what great thing I had done to deserve such a gem... and if I was grossed out by it, then at least I'd know I was dealing with a freak. anyway, I think the common thread here is to discuss it, one way or the other. Good luck, OP. I can say that I HAVE done that before, and it didn't go well. I was younger, desperate to spice things up, and wasn't thinking of the consequences. It did no good. He tried to pretend like he was okay with me showing him porn and saying "hey, this turns me on, what do you think? wanna try?" but in reality he was just really put off by it. I think it can work great in a relationship with 2 people who are already very sexually comfortable and sexually open minded with each other. With 2 people who already appear to have a sexual barrier up, that is just going to harden that barrier.
Diezel Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Just saw that OP posted about this in July. I rest my case.
mightycpa Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) I can say that I HAVE done that before, and it didn't go well. I was younger, desperate to spice things up, and wasn't thinking of the consequences. It did no good. He tried to pretend like he was okay with me showing him porn and saying "hey, this turns me on, what do you think? wanna try?" but in reality he was just really put off by it. I think it can work great in a relationship with 2 people who are already very sexually comfortable and sexually open minded with each other. With 2 people who already appear to have a sexual barrier up, that is just going to harden that barrier. aw, where were you when I was dating? <sigh> EDIT: (the answer is probably in grade school, or worse!) Interesting point. I can see that. Edited February 3, 2015 by mightycpa
oldshirt Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Due yourself a favor and go over to the "Marriage" forums and read through all the threads from guys who have a mortgage and minor children and car payments with a woman that hasn't touched them in years. That is going to be YOU in a few years. Marriage and children etc makes porn stars turn into librarians. This situation will only get worse with time. Once she has the house and the car and baby, your sex life will essentially be over. From there it will just be a matter of time before you cheat and she rakes you over the coals in a divorce. Or untill she finds someone that does trip her trigger and she cheats on you and rakes you over the coals in a divorce when she leaves you to be with the other man or she leaves to "find herself." You are way off base by saying "things are great, other than the sex......" Sexuality is what makes our special someone special. With it, they are just another woman or man. Sexuality is a critical, deal breaking component to a marriage. If you marry her without a satisfactory Sexlife, you are committing fraud and are negligent. You are leading her to believe that things are ok and that you want to make a life and family with her. In doing this you would be condemning both of you to a life of chronic frustration, disappointment and disillusionment. If you marry her you will deserve the despair that you bring on yourself and you Will also be responsible for the dissatisfaction and frustration that she will experience as well. Breaking up is never fun and it will result in some tears and maybe a few lonely nights and some thoughts of second-guessing here and there. But knowingly marrying someone that you have never been compatible with and are knowingly dissatisfied with is unconscionable. Take charge of your life and do what you know is right in your own heart. Don't be a pussy and screw up both of your lives through your own spinelessness. You don't have to explain specifically why you are dissatisfied with her. A simple - " after much soul searching and sleepiness nights, I realize that we simply aren't a match for marriage and I do not wish to continue this relationship any more.....blah blah blah." She will cry and probably get mad and lash out in anger and such at some point but in a month or so both of you will have moved on and be out living your lives to the fullest again. If you let this continue you are setting yourselves up for disaster that will ruin many years of your prime, will cost you tens of thousands of dollars, may possibly damage your credit and will subject innocent minor children to being bounced around to two different houses with different sets of step parents and step siblings. A few tears, a few sleepless nights and at worse a set of slashed tires now will cost a whole lot less than than that. It's time to grow up and be a man and make an adult decision on what is going to be the best route for the rest of your life.
newmoon Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 you don't break up with someone if the problem can be easily solved. it doesn't sound like you've even mentioned this to her although it's ongoing. nothing can get better unless the other person knows there is a problem. she probably thinks everything is great - why else would she continue to escalate the relationship. you have to speak up, and tell her that you feel the sex life is lacking, see if she feels the same and go from there. someone contemplating marriage and etc. should be able to talk about this with his SO 1
preraph Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Well, you can't expect her to fake being more interested about sex, so I guess you break up with her. Before I did that, I would examine my foreplay skills very carefully and find out if you're even getting her off or if she's just not that interested in getting off or what.
Omei Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Breaking up with her before you guys have ever talked about it makes no sense. Maybe the sex is boring, it sounds boring maybe its always been boring maybe it bores her and you. Have you guys even tried anything else together? Other positions? Some dirty talk? Roleplay? Anything? even a simple blind fold could do wonders to spice things up. Have you even asked? Personally missionary is the most boring position, and its well known woman have a higher chance of orgasem on top.
lovexocoach Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Doesn't sound like you're sexually compatible. And sex is important to you. What's her reason for her lack of interest? Perhaps it's something she has to talk about to a qualified medical professional.
Els Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Even when it happens it just basically constitutes her laying there always doing the same missionary position. She seems very content and shy about it. I always make sure to get her off every time we have sex to ensure that that's not the reason for her lack of interest. Honestly, it sounds to me like she has been faking the orgasms all along. I really think it's impossible for someone to be turned on, close to orgasm... and yet, just 'laying there'. It doesn't work like that - an orgasm isn't a sneeze that just 'happens', there's a build-up, and our bodies respond to that. But... that all is her problem, not yours. If she isn't interested in making things better, in communicating with you about how the two of you could make things better, and just wants to let it be... then that's her own fault. I think you should tell her about planning to leave, and see what her response is. If she isn't interested in working with you to improve things, then definitely leave.
bathtub-row Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 My son dates very pretty girls but he dated one awhile back that was absolutely stunning. Long black hair, gorgeous skin, long eyelashes. A real beauty. It lasted for about 2 wks (unusual for him). When I asked him what happened, he said, "Mom, I need someone I can talk to." This girl seemed to not have a lick of sense and my son just couldn't deal with it. In other words, drop dead gorgeous or not, her lack of brains was a deal breaker for him. In your case, beautiful or not, you would've been much better off walking away from this relationship much sooner. But the good news is, it's still not too late. I do think you need to talk to her about it but you need to understand that this issue will not go away. Not ever. Not only that, it will get worse if you marry her. You'll eventually be one of those miserable guys trapped in an affection-less marriage and you'll either have affairs or want to have them very badly. And you'll resent her so much that it will astound you. No matter what the reason, incompatibility is incompatibility. This is going to be a deal breaker for you after years and years of it. No matter how hurtful it will be now to end it, it will be nothing in comparison to the pain you'll feel years from now. The truth is, finding the right partner that you can be with for years and years is not always easy. But too many people ignore the big red flags to their complete regret. Let her go and pity the poor sucker that ends up marrying her.
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