She just never wants sex

[Mangina]

Turn this around.

 

If she kept you super busy to make you tired with her, would you just magically have no sex drive?

 

No?

 

Then expecting someone with no sex drive to magically get horny is ridiculous too.

 

She said she loved what you did for her. That is a step in the right direction! You have to quit thinking about being kind as a manipulative tool to get sex, and instead a way to show your wife you love her.

 

If you keep it up, and work on connecting and flirting and rebuilding intimacy, will her sex drive come back? MAYBE. Maybe not. It depends on the reasons it is low.

 

This may work in like a reverse psychology kind of way.

 

I know that's not what you were implying, but it could be what happens

[ascendotum]

I agree that you cannot negotiate real desire, but this obvious manipulation by doing some pretty mundane things for her in return for sex is a huge turn off.

"OK I did the dishes, now spread your legs." UGH!

 

This does work for some women though, as there are plenty of guys out there who complain they have to do something nice or some sort of chore that the wife wants to make her happy to put her in the mood where she wont have a headache at bedtime. They get rewarded with sex. Look I know its not creating real desire in the wife/gf, and its more a case of using sex for manipulation/bargaining chip, but it does play out that way in some relationships. In this guys case he's doing nice romantic things that hopefully relax her and make her less tired & stressed and while maybe not boosting her libido they put her in the mood more. If she really is exhausted all the time then there could well be health issues effecting her....though I see Gaeta says there is some other issue going on.

Edited February 4, 2015 by ascendotum

[Woggle]

I would get out. What is the point of being with a woman who has no desire for you?

[confused83]

She doesn't even masturbate and I can vouch for that as we've even been away for week and she's done nothing and just never misses jt.

She has a 2 year old son and he has all her energy. I see my friends families and they will sometimes put the kids to bed early to have 'mummy daddy' time but if I suggest that she will say 'not putting him to bed just because you want something' it's like a constant reminder that I'm the lowest priority and when I do get annoyed by this she calls me mardy or whatever.

 

Feel i can't win people say 'make more effort' so I do as I said originally. Put her first by giving oral and never getting it back. Feel i do everything possible but soon as I want sex she instantly shuts down. Can be happiest mood ever joking around telling me she loves me and soon as I make a move it's excuse time.

 

She always says shed hate if I left her o honestly ask for nothing from her but get nothing back and can I ask if someone isn't wanting to lose you then why would it ever get this way? I get in another post why she feels this way and doesn't want to feel used and sees sex as a bribe to keep someone around but aren't I right in saying now we've been together over 2 years it's obvious now it isn't a bribe and I am wanting sex for genuine reasons from woman j love.

 

When it doesn't happen there is always an excuse like 'I would of done but child's awake now' and she laughs saying 'he's up best go get him' where as I get more annoyed and can't figure out why she doesn't get annoyed. I know kids need constant attention but am I so wrong for suggesting putting him to bed early or getting someone to have him for just 1 night so we can do something?

Why would anyone who's not wanting to lose you happily let it get this way?

 

And no tbh she's never been a 'once a night' girl.

 

Hardest part is im even starting to resent the kid because with me he isn't needy but with her because she gives him everything he never stops all I hear is him whining and her giving him whatever. I whine I get nothing but hate. Jelous of a 2 year old feel pathetic and just fed up and however I try to explain it to her she just thinks I'm pathetic.

[confused83]

The excuses I've heard even says shed wear outfits if I bought them but hasn't got money herself then suddenly come home from work and we have new flooring down. Just sick of not feeling a priority.

 

I even bought an outfit for Xmas she promised to wear it and said she was excited to try. it's now Feb never wore it once and the 1 time I mentioned it

'Oh yh forgot I'd got you that outfit too have you ever tried it on' making it a bit more relaxed, her answer 'can't remember where I put it' oh ok.

 

Feels like she's fed up too and just wanting to remind me how unbothered she is

[confused83]

Any1 ever noticed a lot of the advice on these things is 'make more effort ' where is the lower libido persons effort

[confused83]

I don't want to get mardy as no it has the negative effect but I can go weeks without moaning everytime j get rejected I've tried smiling and saying 'ok babe if you aren't in mood love you' but eventually it grinds me down and j cznt help just sulking. I no its never going to get me anywhere but how can you keep taking rejection from someone u love and not care? I have even tried someone's advice of doing same back so I touched her to a point where she said 'don't stop now' and I stopped and said 'ah **** forgot I've got this report to do for work, 2 seconds babe' she said 'nooo' I said '2 seconds' I left room thinking finally she knows how it feels. Came back in she never even asked for it again and know she didn't masturbate because I was onky next door

[udolipixie]

Any1 ever noticed a lot of the advice on these things is 'make more effort ' where is the lower libido persons effort

 

I'm unsure why you're wondering where is the other person's effort in something you want. If I want something I'll put in the effort to get it not wonder how come others are putting in the effort to give it to me.

 

In my opinion you're the one who wants sex thus the onus is on you to put in the effort to have sex.

[udolipixie]

I don't want to get mardy as no it has the negative effect but I can go weeks without moaning everytime j get rejected I've tried smiling and saying 'ok babe if you aren't in mood love you' but eventually it grinds me down and j cznt help just sulking. I no its never going to get me anywhere but how can you keep taking rejection from someone u love and not care? I have even tried someone's advice of doing same back so I touched her to a point where she said 'don't stop now' and I stopped and said 'ah **** forgot I've got this report to do for work, 2 seconds babe' she said 'nooo' I said '2 seconds' I left room thinking finally she knows how it feels. Came back in she never even asked for it again and know she didn't masturbate because I was onky next door

Her not having sex with you is quite different from engaging in sexual activity then stopping when she's enjoying herself. Unless you left out details like she engages/performs sexual acts on you then stops.

 

Doing the same back to her would be not having sex with her.

Edited February 4, 2015 by udolipixie

[ascendotum]

I'm unsure why you're wondering where is the other person's effort in something you want. If I want something I'll put in the effort to get it not wonder how come others are putting in the effort to give it to me.

 

In my opinion you're the one who wants sex thus the onus is on you to put in the effort to have sex.

 

when it comes to sex..good sex, its very much a two way street. How is he supposed to put in more effort...grab her by the hair and drag her to the bedroom and strong arm her into it? Its not like studying harder to get better grades.

the last few posts I read here from the OP just make this relationship sound like its going to be a dead-end if he wants a fulfilling sex life for the rest of his virile years. Sounds like he has got with a single mom, as a good provider guy who always comes in 2nd place behind her child. I'd leave as I cant see things getting any better.

[udolipixie]

when it comes to sex..good sex, its very much a two way street. How is he supposed to put in more effort...grab her by the hair and drag her to the bedroom and strong arm her into it? Its not like studying harder to get better grades.

the last few posts I read here from the OP just make this relationship sound like its going to be a dead-end if he wants a fulfilling sex life for the rest of his virile years. Sounds like he has got with a single mom, as a good provider guy who always comes in 2nd place behind her child. I'd leave as I cant see things getting any better.

 

However the desire to have sex with each other isn't a two-way street. Since he's the one who wants sex the onus is on him to put in the effort. Specifically effort to be sexually desirable by her.

 

Quite odd to me that you leap to what seems to be rape rather than him putting in more effort to be sexually desirable.

[ascendotum]

However the desire to have sex with each other isn't a two-way street. Since he's the one who wants sex the onus is on him to put in the effort. Specifically effort to be sexually desirable by her.

 

Quite odd to me that you leap to what seems to be rape rather than him putting in more effort to be sexually desirable.

 

If she was happy to get into a relationship with him as he is now then I don't see that he needs to put in more effort. If he let himself go (the relationship doesn't sound that old if there is a 2yr old from another guy), then I agree with you, if its a case of him changing and dressing slobby now, or he's gotten really lazy around the house or he' gotten fat or he's developed an moody attitude or he's acting wishy washy and leaving all decisions up to her, but if it a case of him getting a better job to spend more on her & her son or doing renovations to her place to earn brownie points, or taking up body building to build a hot physique to win her over, I don't think he should do that to be rewarded with sex.

 

whats your suggestion of putting more effort in?

[udolipixie]

If she was happy to get into a relationship with him as he is now then I don't see that he needs to put in more effort.

That's presuming he is doing the exact same things he did before marriage which I doubt. Likely he put more effort in during dating.

 

whats your suggestion of putting more effort in?

My suggestion is to communicate with her what she finds sexually appealing/u appealing about him, sex, and sex with him then see if he wants to do that.

[kaylan]

Op... Again I say... Leave this woman and in the future always be very sure of sexual compatibility before long term commitment. This won't get better.

[Larry56]

Wow...I've noticed NO ONE has mentioned...

 

why not just talk dirty to her.

 

Send her sexy texts in the day time to heat her up.

 

I do it all the time with the women I pursue and they love getting texts from me while their in their office. I just talk about all the naughty stuff I'd do to them if I happened to be a co-worker.

 

Why not send her a text and 'remind' her about some sexy rendevous you too used to do. (Without being whiney).

You could say

 

"Hey remember that time we had sex at disney land in the **** at the **** ride, that was wild, you couldn't keep my hands off your body that whole time" etc etc.

[kaylan]

^Those are your average women with libidos and who likely regularly masturbate.

 

I don't think dirty talk will work with Op's gal.

[Gaeta]

She doesn't even masturbate and I can vouch for that as we've even been away for week and she's done nothing and just never misses jt.

She has a 2 year old son and he has all her energy. I see my friends families and they will sometimes put the kids to bed early to have 'mummy daddy' time but if I suggest that she will say 'not putting him to bed just because you want something' it's like a constant reminder that I'm the lowest priority and when I do get annoyed by this she calls me mardy or whatever.

 

Feel i can't win people say 'make more effort' so I do as I said originally. Put her first by giving oral and never getting it back. Feel i do everything possible but soon as I want sex she instantly shuts down. Can be happiest mood ever joking around telling me she loves me and soon as I make a move it's excuse time.

 

She always says shed hate if I left her o honestly ask for nothing from her but get nothing back and can I ask if someone isn't wanting to lose you then why would it ever get this way? I get in another post why she feels this way and doesn't want to feel used and sees sex as a bribe to keep someone around but aren't I right in saying now we've been together over 2 years it's obvious now it isn't a bribe and I am wanting sex for genuine reasons from woman j love.

 

When it doesn't happen there is always an excuse like 'I would of done but child's awake now' and she laughs saying 'he's up best go get him' where as I get more annoyed and can't figure out why she doesn't get annoyed. I know kids need constant attention but am I so wrong for suggesting putting him to bed early or getting someone to have him for just 1 night so we can do something?

Why would anyone who's not wanting to lose you happily let it get this way?

 

And no tbh she's never been a 'once a night' girl.

 

Hardest part is im even starting to resent the kid because with me he isn't needy but with her because she gives him everything he never stops all I hear is him whining and her giving him whatever. I whine I get nothing but hate. Jelous of a 2 year old feel pathetic and just fed up and however I try to explain it to her she just thinks I'm pathetic.

 

Why don't you talk about the fact that SHE TOLD YOU since day ONE that she does not like sex and she even explained why !!!

 

You and all the other guys on here are trying to find a solution when there is NO solution, SHE DOESN'T LIKE SEX. Not yesterday, not today, and won't like it tomorrow.

 

Break up!! find a woman with no sex issue.

[Larry56]

Ahhh No...'Regularly Masturbating' has less to do with being getting regularly turned on. You're turned on...and then you masturbate. Not the other way around. I don't even care if there is some evidence to the contrary because the OP just hasn't tried this and is doing what every other male typically does, which is believing that Women operate the same way as men sexually. That's just not true.

 

Most women get turned on by the thought or suggestions of sex. I'm gonna say that 9/10 women need a slow buildup, and it doesn't start with "Hey Baby Wanna Have Sex" or even 'forplay'.

 

I wouldn't even say foreplay is as important as dirty talking is. Seriously, you can think I'm ****ting you but I make girls orgasm on the phone regularly, some even claimed *to my disbelief at the time* that they came without even touching themselves. Yes it's real. Don't try to argue with me, I know what I'm talking about.

 

OP this women may have some libido issues but she is simply not 'mentally' turned on.

[Diezel]

And she'll never want sex and she'll hide behind your kid for 16 more years.

 

My advice: Seek a lawyer and tell her nothing about it. And if you even say you are going to stay because of the kid, remember, you are already beginning to resent him. So why not try to seek legal counsel now?

 

I don't think you understand, with your woman nothing dried her up more than a marriage certificate and a child. This will NOT improve. There is no amount of work you could put in, no choreplay, no counseling YOU seek... that will ever improve this, and whatever improvement comes of it, will strictly be temporary.

 

I've seen cases like yours way too often, and it breaks my heart because it's a marriage bait-and-switch.

 

Wanna make an honest effort? Make an effort to leave her and an effort to stay in the child's life.

[KatZee]

I'm not going to mention the fact that you should not have married someone with such vastly different sexual desires. It's been said enough.

 

But, I read that it's been 20 years sexless? It's not going to ever be what you want it to be.

 

On top of 20 years sexless, it's 20 years of your nagging, complaints, attempted coercion, 20 years acting beta, etc.

 

I was with an ex and our sex life was horrible. Prior to him, my past boyfriends had labeled me a nymphomaniac. Wanted sex always, anywhere, any time. And it always happened. I was like a porn star with them.

 

I started a relationship with this new guy and my libio took a nose dive, tanked, exploded, lit itself on fire, burned to ashes, and then was vacuumed up. Poof. Gone. donezo. And the reason was that we just never had good sex. He would come in 2 minutes. Then he'd say, "I'll get you back later." And would go to sleep. I tried to teach him things. Nope. He never learned. His endurance never got higher. He almost never made me O. We went three months no sex once, and I didn't even care. I never had any desire, didn't matter what he did. Bought me flowers, took me to dinner, cleaned my apartment, made home cooked meals. At the end of the night I was always, "too tired." His whining about it always annoyed me. The complaints just piled on and on and on and it made me dry up for him even more. I lost respect for him.

 

I would have pity sex and I'd just lay there looking at the clock. He didn't even notice.

 

There was absolutely no way I was going to manifest desire for him. There was less than zero of it. He wanted to marry me too, and had one foot in the jewelry store to buy me a ring. I broke up with him.

 

I agree with everything the RationalMale website says. You can't create desire where none exists and you can't go to counseling thinking it's going to change.

 

For reference: the second that relationship ended I entered a new one and my inner nympho came right back out.

[elaine567]

I was with an ex and our sex life was horrible. Prior to him, my past boyfriends had labeled me a nymphomaniac. Wanted sex always, anywhere, any time. And it always happened. I was like a porn star with them.

 

I started a relationship with this new guy and my libio took a nose dive, tanked, exploded, lit itself on fire, burned to ashes, and then was vacuumed up. Poof. Gone. donezo. And the reason was that we just never had good sex. He would come in 2 minutes. Then he'd say, "I'll get you back later." And would go to sleep. I tried to teach him things. Nope. He never learned. His endurance never got higher. He almost never made me O. We went three months no sex once, and I didn't even care. I never had any desire, didn't matter what he did. Bought me flowers, took me to dinner, cleaned my apartment, made home cooked meals. At the end of the night I was always, "too tired." His whining about it always annoyed me. The complaints just piled on and on and on and it made me dry up for him even more. I lost respect for him.

 

I would have pity sex and I'd just lay there looking at the clock. He didn't even notice.

 

There was absolutely no way I was going to manifest desire for him. There was less than zero of it. He wanted to marry me too, and had one foot in the jewelry store to buy me a ring. I broke up with him.

 

For reference: the second that relationship ended I entered a new one and my inner nympho came right back out.

 

^^^^This unfortunately is the elephant in the room on these type of threads, where no one usually wants to go...

But it may be highly relevant.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Are you doing what she likes in bed? What is the sex like when you do finally do it? Do you both take lots of time over foreplay and making each other feel good and both get your rocks off or are you so excited to be getting some that you race to the finish line?

 

Do you have any idea what her previous sex life has been like? I've had partners before where the sex was phenomenal, they turned me on without me even realising how they were doing it, and we were having sex at least once or twice per day. I've had partners who just didn't do it for me as much, weren't as able at turning me on even with instruction and guidance and suggestions, didn't do the stuff I like, and that led me to wanting sex less and less. I would still do it, for them, but more like once or twice per week once I gave up on ever having that 'spark' I had with partners before. With someone who I felt was good in bed, for me, I was a nympho, couldn't get enough, I'd do anything, anywhere, any time, and love it. But with someone you have bad sex with it's sooo difficult, I would try and teach them what I liked, tell them what would do it for me, suggest new things, but they're forgetten as soon as they came and went to sleep and totally ignore any tips for next time, all I can say is that some men treated sex with me like a new skill to learn (I don't mean I'm into really weird stuff, just that I love foreplay and it makes sex so much better for me, like most women, and everyone likes different stuff), they would remember what really turned me on and do it every time, they'd just get to know my body intuitively and me theirs too, and it got wilder and more satisfying as time went on. But others just treated me like an identikit partner, did the same stuff their exes or chicks on porn appeared to like, totally ignoring any advice I gave them to make things better for me. With the former guys, my sex drive was sky high. With the latter, I went dormant eventually. I had no drive to have sex when I knew the sex was going to be substandard.

 

Also, if you're doing stuff that's nice but it's specifically followed by an attempt to have sex with her, she will resent it. If you've been trying a couple days in a row to come onto her and she's refusing, give the girl some space. Let her exercise her right NOT to have sex a little while, and wait and see if she comes onto you instead. I get frustrated if I feel like I'm being asked daily for sex if it's with someone the sex isn't amazing with, but if they back off for a few days and give me chance to miss it, and to be the instigator rather than feeling like I'm acquiescing almost, I am much more likely to be into it.

 

Finally, have you spoken candidly about whether there's a medical problem or not? Sometimes sex really hurts for women, for many reasons (endometriosis, vaginosis, vaginismus, thrush, chronic pelvic pain syndrome), sometimes a woman might not even realise it's not SUPPOSED to hurt and when it hurts, it's so difficult to want to go through with it. I have chronic pelvic pain syndrome, really bad, for the past ten years. Sometimes it destroys my sex life for months on end, completely, and other times it's hardly an issue luckily. I'm on serious painkillers (opiates) to try handle the pain and would always rather take the meds, and have sex and handle the pain, if it made my partner happy, because I know that you need sex in a relationship as glue or you're just friends. Sometimes the sex really was something I massively wanted as much as my partner, but sometimes it just hurt so much I couldn't even hide the pain. I honestly didn't realise sex wasn't meant to be agonising for years, and just grit my teeth and bear it a lot of the time. Now I'm on hardcore meds it's more manageable, but still hurts sometimes. Maybe she has a similar issue but she's too embarrassed to talk about it?

 

Maybe she has an issue with her body she's ashamed of, maybe she's scared that you dislike the appearance of her genitals, or she is worried about her scent or taste? A few times before with past partners I've had the female version of performance anxiety, where I've worried so much about not getting wet enough that it's impossible to get aroused in the first place, it's a vicious cycle because when you're worried about not getting wet, you're not getting wet, then when you do use sex it can be painful and damaging if it's too dry (not every woman is sexually confident enough to grab some lube or spit on herself or you) and then in the future you worry even more in case it hurts like last time. Once I initiated the use of lubricant on those occasions I found I could get really turned on anyway and enjoy it, and once the use of lubricant became totally non awkward for one of us to initiate, I worried less and got more turned on and wet anyway!

 

The thing is, unless she's willing to really work on this, you are going to end up miserable and separate anyway. As much as you need to put effort into understanding her and trying to improve this side of things, she should be doing the same in return, she clearly knows sex is important to you or you wouldn't be trying it on and then sulking after being rejected for the hundredth time. If she isn't willing to address her lack of desire for sex with you, or talk to you brutally honestly about what's missing for her, then I don't imagine she's particularly concerned about your experience of the sexual side of your relationship, which isn't fair on you. Somehow you need to get the lines of communication wide open. She should be willing to speak to her doctor about possible causes and solutions of zero sex drive, whether it's fruitful or not it shows that she's at least trying. At the minute you're stuck in a you push for it, she refuses dynamic and that's not good for anyone. I hope you find a solution.

 

You need to tell her that whatever she says, it's okay, you need to hear it. I have had some very difficult discussions with partners in the past when sex wasn't good and none of my hints or suggestions were getting through. Which basically amounted to 'you are **** in bed' but in a nicer way, and must have absolutely destroyed their self-esteem or sense of manhood. But I knew without talking about it, the relationship would consist of duty sex that for the guy apparently was incredible, and for me, more dull than watching pain dry. Usually after a talk like that things would improve just enough for a while, but you can't fake that spark you get when you're just nuts about each other sexually and cannot keep your hands off each other.

Edited February 4, 2015 by acrosstheuniverse

[irresolute]

Looks like she's lost desire for you. Try to look unavailable for a while, do not ask for sex, try to stay busy and ignore her.

Sometimes when you are too available, you are taken for granted. Change that.

[hudson701]

^^^^This unfortunately is the elephant in the room on these type of threads, where no one usually wants to go...

But it may be highly relevant.

 

Rationalmale should be required reading for Every man. Swallow the red pill, learn game!! And the uncomfortable truth about women, grieve the loss of your old self then go forward with your new found knowledge into more successful relationships. Its taken me a full year to finally accept the true dualistic nature of women's love. I was bitter for a very, very long time but now I've come out the other side I can never go back.

 

You cannot negotiate genuine desire- you need to grow a pair and walk away from this woman because things will never change. You are only holding yourself back from someone out there who will be crazy for the new improved self. Let her go- you cannot argue logic and perform x, y and z to get sex, especially when emotions are involved. Emotions cannot be changed or reasoned with- feelings are either there or they are not. It's horrible but it is what it is.

[Diezel]

Looks like she's lost desire for you. Try to look unavailable for a while, do not ask for sex, try to stay busy and ignore her.

Sometimes when you are too available, you are taken for granted. Change that.

 

A lot of times this does not work. It actually builds resentment over time for the person with the higher drive, because at some point, he'll start wondering when she'll come around... and why hasn't she... and then it starts to rationalizing cheating.

 

For a lot of people with low sex drives, if the person with a high sex drive does exactly what you suggested, it's actually a blessing in disguise.