confused83 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I've tried everything today for example she was tired so mid day I ran her a bath massaged her feet and legs, did the washing and pots, went to the shops for her and she even said 'I've loved today you've done so much for me made me feel amazing love you' Then we go to bed, she turns around I try todsy kiss her neck and the inevitable 'it tired babe' ffs Seriously what is left to try when even being the best I can be still gets me rejected? Hardest part is then if after a week of this I go quiet she says I'm making her anxious and she's worried im upset yet soon as I mention 'tbh yes I'd like more sex' she goes nuts and calls me a sex pest. We average once every fortnight yet she's 27 year old Leads me to feel rejected, unwanted stupid and maybe cheated on
Satu Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I don't think that you being extra helpful and considerate will make any difference. From reading other posts of yours, it seems that whole area of sex has become the dominant issue in your marriage. You should both be in individual counselling for a while, and then enter couples counselling together. 3
xxoo Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It does seem clear from your threads that she isn't very interested in sex with you. That aside, a relaxing bath and massage isn't going to help a very tired person get aroused. It would put me to sleep! (and that should be the goal of those acts....relaxation and rest). Is she normally tired? Any reason why? Does she exercise? Exercise makes people have more energy overall, and boosts libido. Do you have excitement in your relationship outside of the bedroom? Playing sports or games together, trying new things together, etc. 4
SOB86 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Was there ever a time when you had sex regularly? It could be that she just isn't interested in frequent sex. Some people just have a low sex drive. 2
pteromom Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Turn this around. If she kept you super busy to make you tired with her, would you just magically have no sex drive? No? Then expecting someone with no sex drive to magically get horny is ridiculous too. She said she loved what you did for her. That is a step in the right direction! You have to quit thinking about being kind as a manipulative tool to get sex, and instead a way to show your wife you love her. If you keep it up, and work on connecting and flirting and rebuilding intimacy, will her sex drive come back? MAYBE. Maybe not. It depends on the reasons it is low.
Satu Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Most people have a misunderstang about what 'Libido' is. They think it's just about the desire for sex, but thats only part of it. Libido is really the persons lust for life, the desire to experience new things, a desire for feeling, for sensation. I wonder how his partner looks when considering her libido in this broader sense.
mightycpa Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I think you need to step up the questioning. Start with a premise: It's clear that you do not desire sex nearly as much as I do. This is a problem for me, and I want to talk about it. Then you need an agenda: Who What Why When Where How Then, without judgment, without pouting, without raising your voice, you need to explore the whole issue in depth. You might not be able to do it in one sitting. Also, I'd take notes, and write down the important things so that you can review later. You or she might say things that could be said better, so this will give you an opportunity to consider and revise. For example, Who: Who can I get sex from? (name them) Who would you like to have sex with? (name them) Who would you accept help with this problem from? Whose opinion would you respect on this issue? Who have you discussed this problem with? etc. The point here would be to make her recognize that hopefully, your only option is her. Or maybe you have more options/problems than you know. Also, maybe she's open to counseling of some kind. What: What are the reasons you do want sex? What are the reasons you don't want sex? What kinds of sex are you willing to have? What kinds of sex are you not willing to have? What does sex feel like to you? What about sex feels good? What about sex doesn't feel good? What is the purpose of sex between us? What is your opinion on porn? etc. and so on and so forth until you at least understand the problem and whether or not you can do anything to either compromise or solve the underlying issue. 1
pteromom Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Most people have a misunderstang about what 'Libido' is. They think it's just about the desire for sex, but thats only part of it. Libido is really the persons lust for life, the desire to experience new things, a desire for feeling, for sensation. I wonder how his partner looks when considering her libido in this broader sense. Maybe sometimes true, but not always. I have a very strong lust for life. I have a very low desire for sex. The thought of someone making me a bath and doing the dishes for me somehow turning me on is just funny to me. Now, the thought of someone surprising me with a trip to Hawaii? Bring it on! 1
Satu Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It's the same energy being used in different ways. 1
Satu Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I think you need to step up the questioning. Start with a premise: Then you need an agenda: Who What Why When Where How Then, without judgment, without pouting, without raising your voice, you need to explore the whole issue in depth. You might not be able to do it in one sitting. Also, I'd take notes, and write down the important things so that you can review later. You or she might say things that could be said better, so this will give you an opportunity to consider and revise. For example, Who: Who can I get sex from? (name them) Who would you like to have sex with? (name them) Who would you accept help with this problem from? Whose opinion would you respect on this issue? Who have you discussed this problem with? etc. The point here would be to make her recognize that hopefully, your only option is her. Or maybe you have more options/problems than you know. Also, maybe she's open to counseling of some kind. What: What are the reasons you do want sex? What are the reasons you don't want sex? What kinds of sex are you willing to have? What kinds of sex are you not willing to have? What does sex feel like to you? What about sex feels good? What about sex doesn't feel good? What is the purpose of sex between us? What is your opinion on porn? etc. and so on and so forth until you at least understand the problem and whether or not you can do anything to either compromise or solve the underlying issue. Is that you, Tom?
pteromom Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It's the same energy being used in different ways. Sexual energy is very specific. I have always been low-drive, but I haven't always been THIS low. I know what it is to want sex, and it is a very specific desire that can't be resolved any other way. If it was possible to use sexual energy in different ways, then a horny guy could get into hobbies and new experiences and lower his desire for sex. But that doesn't happen. Likewise, I don't have the ability to say "I don't want to go to Hawaii. I'd rather have sex." Because... no. No I wouldn't. 1
Ebelskiver Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Differing sexual drives are a huge problem in marriages. It played a huge role in the end of mine. I wanted sex 3-7x a week, my husband only wanted sex 2x a month. Over time it eats away at your self consciouness and ends in resentment. You need to figure this out or eventually (after 20 sexless years?) the marriage WILL end. Into couseling for you both!
Satu Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Libido. Definition: "The libido is a term used by in psychoanalytic theory to describe the energy created by the survival and sexual instincts. According to Sigmund Freud, the libido is part of the id and is the driving force of all behavior. The way in which libido is expressed depends upon the stage of development a person is in. According to Freud, children develop through a series of psychosexual stages. At each stage, the libido is focused on a specific area. When handled successfully, the child moves to the next stage of development and eventually grows into a healthy successful adult. In some cases, the focus on a person's libidinal energy may remain fixed at an earlier stage of development in what Freud referred to as fixation. When this happens, the libido's energy may be too tied to this developmental stage and the person will remain "stuck" in this stage until the conflict is resolved. For example, the first stage of Freud 's theory of psychosexual development is the oral stage. During this time, a child's libido is centered on the mouth so activities such as eating, sucking, and drinking are important. If an oral fixation occurs, an adult's libidinal energy will remain focused on this stage, which might result in problems such as nail biting, drinking, smoking, and other habits. Freud also believed that each individual only had so much libido energy. Because the amount of energy available is limited, he suggested that different mental processes compete for what is available. For example, Freud suggested that the act of repression, or keeping memories out of conscious awareness, requires a tremendous amount of psychic energy. Any mental process that requires so much energy to maintain has an effect on the mind's ability to function normally. While the term libido has taken on an overtly sexual meaning in today's world, to Freud it represented all psychic energy not just sexual energy." Source.
mightycpa Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Is that you, Tom? No, but he sounds like a hell of a guy! 1
pteromom Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I do not agree with Freud at all on this. Libido. Definition: "The libido is a term used by in psychoanalytic theory to describe the energy created by the survival and sexual instincts. According to Sigmund Freud, the libido is part of the id and is the driving force of all behavior. The way in which libido is expressed depends upon the stage of development a person is in. According to Freud, children develop through a series of psychosexual stages. At each stage, the libido is focused on a specific area. When handled successfully, the child moves to the next stage of development and eventually grows into a healthy successful adult. In some cases, the focus on a person's libidinal energy may remain fixed at an earlier stage of development in what Freud referred to as fixation. When this happens, the libido's energy may be too tied to this developmental stage and the person will remain "stuck" in this stage until the conflict is resolved. For example, the first stage of Freud 's theory of psychosexual development is the oral stage. During this time, a child's libido is centered on the mouth so activities such as eating, sucking, and drinking are important. If an oral fixation occurs, an adult's libidinal energy will remain focused on this stage, which might result in problems such as nail biting, drinking, smoking, and other habits. Freud also believed that each individual only had so much libido energy. Because the amount of energy available is limited, he suggested that different mental processes compete for what is available. For example, Freud suggested that the act of repression, or keeping memories out of conscious awareness, requires a tremendous amount of psychic energy. Any mental process that requires so much energy to maintain has an effect on the mind's ability to function normally. While the term libido has taken on an overtly sexual meaning in today's world, to Freud it represented all psychic energy not just sexual energy." Source.
kaylan Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Divorce. Don't waste your life on being unhappy. Read the marriage and sex forums here and on other sites. Counseling won't fix this. Don't hurt yourself waiting for her to change.
hudson701 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Dear me... Some of the responses above re counciling. What this all boils down to is this: you cannot negotiate genuine desire. Time for you to head over to the rational male and read the following article in the link below. It will be very uncomfortable (and heartbreaking) in parts to read, but ultimately will help you understand women's dualistic sexual strategy and why you are in a sexless marriage. Good luck, I wish you well: Saving the Best | The Desire Dynamic |
Satu Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 The previous poster made me think of Lysistrata: "Lysistrata, a strong Athenian woman with a great sense of individual responsibility, reveals her plan to take matters into her own hands and end the interminable Peloponnesian War between Athens and Sparta. She has convened a meeting of women from various city states in Greece and, with support from the Spartan Lampito, she explains to the other women her plan: that they are to withhold sexual privileges from their menfolk as a means of forcing them to bring an end to the war." "It should be remembered that this was a time when women did not have the vote, and when men had ample opportunities to whet their sexual appetites elsewhere. Indeed, the very idea that a woman could have enough influence to end a war would have been considered quite ridiculous to the Greek audience members. Interestingly, when establishing the rules of the sex ban, Lysistrata also makes allowance for cases where the woman is forced to yield, in which case they should do so with an ill grace and in such a way as to afford the minimum of gratification to their partner, remaining passive and taking no more part in the amorous game than they are absolutely obliged to." Source. Sometimes not doing something can confer power... 1
preraph Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I wouldn't ever advise negotiating sex. It's like asking the woman to put a price on having sex, and we all know what that makes her. It's important to get someone who is sexually matched to you, but you must realize these things will go up and especially down the longer you are together, so the more sexual partner should be willing to take care of his or her own needs frequently to avoid feeling so much pressure about it. As a old single woman, I just can't feel too sorry for someone who isn't getting laid as often as they'd like as long as they still have a good arm. Try to remember that many if not most women over 40 aren't getting ANY during their sexual prime and aren't out there stamping their feet about and are instead just taking care of it themselves. If sex is your main reason to marry, then obviously this is not a match for you. But if sex is your main reason to marry....you probably shouldn't even marry. 1
somedude81 Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Maybe sometimes true, but not always. I have a very strong lust for life. I have a very low desire for sex. Heh, and I have a low lust for life and a very high desire for sex @ confused83 How does she respond to attempts at morning sex? For example if you tried to have sex on a Saturday morning how would she react? I doubt that she would say that she is too tired, and would have to think of another reason. 1
elaine567 Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I agree that you cannot negotiate real desire, but this obvious manipulation by doing some pretty mundane things for her in return for sex is a huge turn off. "OK I did the dishes, now spread your legs." UGH! Sex for many women needs to come from a place of real connection and that is where a lot of men fall down IMO. Lots of trips on boats, picnics, theatre visits, fantastic dinners, long talks, romantic trysts and making love, gets converted into "I've mowed the lawn" and then what feels like someone sticking a carrot into her back in bed. All that initial romance, then seems like it was all done to trap her and get into her knickers for a ready supply of sex and that is not really where true desire resides. 3
central Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 This kind of broken can't be fixed. Ditch the b1tch.
udolipixie Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 It's understandable if she never wants sex if: - she's not attracted to you - she doesn't enjoy sex with you - she's focused on other areas Do you think it could one or a combo of the three?Being more attentive is unlikely to 'work' in my opinion as it seems your intentions were gleamed by your SO and she finds it insincere.
preraph Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 The disconnect between the way he thinks about it and the way she does is probably because of men being more compartmentalized. Their dog could die and they'd still be find wanting sex that night. A woman is likely going to be shut down because sex is more tied to her emotions. This is why men say such insulting things about women "doing their duty," and to us women, it sounds like they're treating us as a paid prostitute.
Gaeta Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I just read your last thread. There is a very specific reason why she does not like sex and she explained it all to you. She has an important discomfort and issues toward sex and no amount of cleaning and cooking will cure it. She may have this issue for the rest of her life so what you see is what you get. Do not get married. She needs counseling. If she is unwilling to see a therapist for her problem, before getting married, then leave or fully accept sex has to be at the bottom of your list for the rest of your life with her.
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