Should I make love to my good friend? Help, Shackers....

April 1, 2005

Ok, Shackers, I need your help.

I think I am going to make love to one of my friends. I am not ready for a relationship in any way; in fact, I don’t want one. At all. But I really, really, really want to make love to him. UGH. Damn sex drive!

Here are the issues: I think that in the future, this might even turn into something significant, perhaps a LTR. Do you think this would jeopardize the chances of that?

However, I am NOT ready for any type of committed relationship at this point, and neither is he. We are both in rather transitory periods in our lives, and I especially, have no desire to be tied to somebody. Also, I am moving out of state in the fairly immediate future.

Here are the pros and cons:

Pros:

-sex! Intimacy! emotional sharing! (we have an AMAZING emotional connection)

Cons:

-His brother has a HUGE crush on me, may hurt is brother’s feelings as well as create tension between the two of them.

-Our relationship has to be finite, as I am moving out of state soon.

-He might follow me if he falls in love with me. This would be VERY bad.

Shackers, please help me figure this one out. (I admit the con list is looking a little larger than the pro list - but imagine the point values for the sex and intimacy!!! lol!. Can anyone think of more pros?) Tell me if I am making a mistake. Tell me what you all think of this situation.

Thanks!

I should also add, I do love him. very much. This is significant.

April 1, 2005

I don't think you should bang your friend because it might affect your friendship and the future chance of a long-term relationship. Also banging his brother might be bad too. I'm sure if you're just looking for a romp in the hay and some emotional intimacy that there are other prospects you could try.

April 1, 2005

Originally posted by Debster
I don't think you should bang your friend because it might affect your friendship and the future chance of a long-term relationship. Also banging his brother might be bad too. I'm sure if you're just looking for a romp in the hay and some emotional intimacy that there are other prospects you could try.

Thanks Debster.

let me clarify: I don't want to bang his brother. It would be good if I did, b/c I think his brother is growing rather attached to me. However, I don't have love-type feelings for that brother. This is not to say that I am not on occasion attracted; I certainly am, but just not seeing any long term possibilities, and lacking emotional connections.

And I am really not looking for a romp in the hay at all. I just didn't expect to feel this way about him, and now I do. It just sort of, came to fruition? A part of me says, "go for it" because I may never see him again after I leave. Who knows what the future holds.

And what other prospects are you referring to? I'm not going to just have sex with someone I hardly know.

As I said before, I really love this man. And I want to "Make Love" to him - not just fu(k him.

April 1, 2005

I say throw caution to the wind on this one..if you are not ready for a relationship at this point and neither is he but yet there are feelings there, someone might end up hurting, wanting more. I have known of a similar situation where the attraction was quite real and the feelings were there but niether person totally ready to commit to anything. There was a connection and it wasn't just a roll in the hay, it was more. But it left one person not knowing what to do with it. The hurt was very real but you can't force the person to want more with you. It's a tough call but if you are having second thoughts just think you might be the one questioning your feelings afterwards.

April 2, 2005

And I am really not looking for a romp in the hay at all. I just didn't expect to feel this way about him, and now I do. It just sort of, came to fruition? A part of me says, "go for it" because I may never see him again after I leave. Who knows what the future holds.

What you will do is infect yourself with a craving for his body. If you love him now but can't/won't/don't have him, it will be *much* worse if you 'make love' to him and then go. You will have gotten those lovely hormones up and running and they will attach you to him so hard that it will feel as though you've ripped off a limb to leave.

If you have no intention of having an LTR with him, don't do this to yourself.

April 2, 2005

Originally posted by Skeered
There was a connection and it wasn't just a roll in the hay, it was more. But it left one person not knowing what to do with it. The hurt was very real but you can't force the person to want more with you. It's a tough call but if you are having second thoughts just think you might be the one questioning your feelings afterwards.

Thanks Skeered. I understand your points. However, isn't the agony (if you will forgive the bad reference) worth the ecstasy?

Originally posted by moimeme

What you will do is infect yourself with a craving for his body. If you love him now but can't/won't/don't have him, it will be *much* worse if you 'make love' to him and then go. You will have gotten those lovely hormones up and running and they will attach you to him so hard that it will feel as though you've ripped off a limb to leave.

If you have no intention of having an LTR with him, don't do this to yourself.

Thanks Moi.

Damn it. You are right, I suppose. (But, see above comment). But I may have the intention of a future LTR with him. We are just both NOT in the state of mind or position in life to be in a relationship at the moment. At least, I am certainly not.

April 2, 2005

ugh ... that gets rather messy if he's a really good friend, because it just gets weird introducing sex to a relationship. If you truly value his friendship, you need to ask yourself if having sex with him is worth losing the friendship, because it's a possibility.

April 2, 2005

Originally posted by quankanne
ugh ... that gets rather messy if he's a really good friend, because it just gets weird introducing sex to a relationship. If you truly value his friendship, you need to ask yourself if having sex with him is worth losing the friendship, because it's a possibility.

Yes. Messy Indeed. But isn't that all part of experiencing life?

I keep thinking that I may never see this man again. This may be it. Our lives are short. We must live our life NOW, not wait for later. But maybe this is shortsighted?

Still con.fus.ed.

April 2, 2005

It's hard to imagine pain in advance.

April 2, 2005

Yes, it could be a wonderful evening that both of you move on from, with fond memories for a long time. On the other hand, it could very well make him fall in love with you and want to pursue this, forcing him to either follow you or ask you to stay behind (are you ready to consider either one?). If you do part ways and he is still in love with you, he may sabotage any effort to move on and find someone else. Persistent emails, phone calls, it could turn out bad. You could indirectly kill his desire to "live for the now" after you leave, if he keeps the candle burning for you, especially if he gets easily attached to things.

I would recommend you tell him how much he means to you and promise to continue the friendship and keep in touch. Then if it ever comes to pass that you guys actually have the time to go out for a while and really try to make a LTR work, do it without forcing such a major decision after one night of romance, as you are contemplating doing right now.

It is the choice for both of you to make, and I admire your willingness to think with your head on this. If you decide to go through with it, just be completely honest with what you want, so he holds no illusions. No matter what we tell you though, ultimately, your heart will have to guide you through this one. Good luck.

April 2, 2005

I'm gonna go against the grain here:

Seems to me life is too short to miss out on good sex and intimacy.

Yes, you may feel some hurt.

Yes, he may feel some hurt.

Yes, it may be messy.

It will also be connected adn joyful.

I guess if you think you can handle it?

And if the two of you have an open discussion about it beforehand.....and you are both caring about it.....

April 2, 2005

It is very hard to make a decision in these matters.

You could seriously jeopardize the relationship between the two brothers. Consider that a flaw to each brother: both have a brother.

You definitely have an attraction to one of the brothers. You know when you leave.

Yes, it could get messy. Yes, it could be very hard on you to leave, if you have a connection with him. And by the sounds of it, you already have a deep emotional connection. So if you have doubts about leaving, you'd better not engage in it.

If you don't have any doubts about leaving, the best thing you could do is to talk to him about it, beforehand. So as to know what to expect, and not to expect, so you can keep it as casual as possible. It would be hard on you, no doubt.

As for the possible future LTR, who knows? But as chances exist that you would never see him again, the considerations about a future LTR becomes almost without practical meaning.

April 2, 2005

I do not think it would be a very wise move if you slept with your friend; doing so will change the friendship that the two of you have in unpredictable ways.

April 2, 2005

If you have to ask the question then you can't afford the emotional price.

April 3, 2005

I was faced with your situation a while back. I was really good freinds with a girl I had known for some time. Her career was taking her to the other side of the state, and I was moving to another state very soon. I had a chance to make love to her, but didn't. I moved away shortly thereafter, and have not seen her again. She ended up marrying someone else, and I've been in two serious relationships since. In some ways, I almost regret not making love to her that night. In other ways, I'm almost glad I didn't, because I know it would not have worked long term, even though she was a great person. Just do what you think is right. I can't tell you what happens if you do it and leave, since I chose the other path, but not being with her that night isn't something I think about a lot, so it isn't exactly a big regret. I just wonder sometimes.

April 3, 2005

Originally posted by Craig
If you have to ask the question then you can't afford the emotional price.

i agree. I know it's tough, especially when someone really turns your crank, but I think you need to talk to him about this. Tell him everything you're feeling. You obviously have that kind of connection w/ him. Good luck and keep us posted!

April 3, 2005

Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment.

I see it as a possibility for somethng more down the line, when you are both better in a position to have a real relationship. If you both understand each other now, and accept that neither of you are ready for a serious relationship, what's the harm? You could have a wonderful memory or you could have a foundation to know how you want to proceeed when you have both worked out your aversions to real relationships. I'm planning to post some thoughts about FWB in a little while. Maybe some of those thoughts could help you in this situation.

April 3, 2005

Thank you all so much for your responses. They have all made me think about things with a different perspective.

Originally posted by moimeme
It's hard to imagine pain in advance.

This is true. Although its hard to imagine emotional / relationship pain worse than what I have been through recently. My (advanced) prediction is that it can’t be as bad as that pain.

Originally posted by gridiron
Yes, it could be a wonderful evening that both of you move on from, with fond memories for a long time. On the other hand, it could very well make him fall in love with you and want to pursue this, forcing him to either follow you or ask you to stay behind (are you ready to consider either one?).

No! One of my RL friends warned me of his penchant to fall in love easily, and he has moved for women in the past. Not good signs, I know. But I’m hoping that if I make things clear from the beginning, this might not happen?

If you do part ways and he is still in love with you, he may sabotage any effort to move on and find someone else. Persistent emails, phone calls, it could turn out bad. You could indirectly kill his desire to "live for the now" after you leave, if he keeps the candle burning for you, especially if he gets easily attached to things.

Damnit!

I would recommend you tell him how much he means to you and promise to continue the friendship and keep in touch. Then if it ever comes to pass that you guys actually have the time to go out for a while and really try to make a LTR work, do it without forcing such a major decision after one night of romance, as you are contemplating doing right now.

Well, I suppose that is just it. I don’t want to force a major decision after one night (or month) of romance. And I really don’t know if I will ever see him again, so I don’t know what the future holds for a LTR.

I suppose I’m just tired of living my life safely, taking no risks because of fear.

No matter what we tell you though, ultimately, your heart will have to guide you through this one. Good luck.

Thank you. I suspect I will need it.

Originally posted by clynn
I'm gonna go against the grain here:
Seems to me life is too short to miss out on good sex and intimacy.

Yeah, that’s kindof what I was thinking. I vacillate, though – between taking life by the balls and not having any balls.

Yes, you may feel some hurt.
Yes, he may feel some hurt.
Yes, it may be messy.
It will also be connected adn joyful.

I guess if you think you can handle it?

I don’t know if I have the constitution. I hope I do. I feel much stronger now than I did a few months ago.

Originally posted by d'Arthez
You could seriously jeopardize the relationship between the two brothers. Consider that a flaw to each brother: both have a brother.

This is my worst fear. I can take pain that I inflict on myself. But I am not sure I could live with myself knowing that I caused pain and conflict between brothers.

You definitely have an attraction to one of the brothers. You know when you leave. Yes, it could get messy. Yes, it could be very hard on you to leave, if you have a connection with him. And by the sounds of it, you already have a deep emotional connection. So if you have doubts about leaving, you'd better not engage in it.

I don’t have doubts. I am leaving. 100%.

I’m terrified, but I know moving is something I have to do. The fear is strangely liberating.

As for the possible future LTR, who knows? But as chances exist that you would never see him again, the considerations about a future LTR becomes almost without practical meaning.

This is also true.

The Horace quote keeps coming back to me: “seize the day (carpe diem); trust not to the morrow.”

Originally posted by faux
I do not think it would be a very wise move if you slept with your friend; doing so will change the friendship that the two of you have in unpredictable ways.

But isn’t life already unpredictable?

Originally posted by Craig
If you have to ask the question then you can't afford the emotional price.

Damn. Really?

Originally posted by WithOrWithoutYou
I was faced with your situation a while back… I just wonder sometimes.

I understand. I was with a man, gosh, about ten years ago now (damn, I am getting old!), for one night only. It was one of those incredibly hot, immediate attractions that we had been trying to ignore for weeks. One night, we had the opportunity to be alone together. We were intimate, but I decided that I was not going to have intercourse with him. And I have always regretted it.

I don’t want to regret this.

Originally posted by SummerRae
I know it's tough, especially when someone really turns your crank, but I think you need to talk to him about this. Tell him everything you're feeling. You obviously have that kind of connection w/ him.

In a way, I almost don’t want to talk to him about it. I just want it to be organic. If it’s going to happen, I want us both to feel it, and just instinctually “know” it. I just want to avoid the feeling of it being contrived.

Originally posted by sleeplessindallas
Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment.

Ha! I already know I am.

I see it as a possibility for something more down the line, when you are both better in a position to have a real relationship. If you both understand each other now, and accept that neither of you are ready for a serious relationship, what's the harm?

Emotional turmoil? A wrecked fraternal relationship?

You could have a wonderful memory or you could have a foundation to know how you want to proceed when you have both worked out your aversions to real relationships.

This is what I am hoping.

I'm planning to post some thoughts about FWB in a little while. Maybe some of those thoughts could help you in this situation.

Thanks. I’ll definitely take a look.

___

I had decided, after reading some of your posts, that I was just going to lay low for a while and really examine my feelings. Last night, I went out with him, his brother, and a girlfriend of mine. And I still felt it – this considerable attraction.

He is coming over (alone) this afternoon. I’ll keep you all updated.

April 3, 2005

Originally posted by Israfil
Thanks Skeered. I understand your points. However, isn't the agony (if you will forgive the bad reference) worth the ecstasy?

Sometimes but the moment stays with you in your thoughts and it's almost haunting, you want to tell that person you want more but you know that it's not right.

As I said just take caution but do what your heart tells you..

April 6, 2005

Hey {{{{Isra}}}}

From the perspective of a brother( I have one) they'll get past it. From the perspective of a man( last I checked I 'm equipped as such...yep, still am.) He'll be fine.

You, you wonderful lady you, I wonder if the potential confusion is worth the risk at this point. I wonder if there is a set up for a let down that neither of you were expecting.

Then, I wonder if leaving your current circles with that drama in your wake, is something that you want to have introducing drag on your momentum away. I mean there are no guarantees that your future destination will be temporary. But with that potentially heavy anchor dragging behind you, I wonder if your progress will be stunted. I wonder if it would unnecessarily add more variables to your decisions, cloud your otherwise clear judgment, and shake your determination. I wonder.

But then I wonder about everything.

For what it's worth.

as always

MA

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