Reconciliation & Variances Of BS's - Who's Programmed for what

[Mrs. John Adams]

A murderer is forever a mudrerer, a robber forever a robber, a cheat forever a cheat. Our society teaches..that we forgive those who have paid the price for their sins. Some people can....they give ex murderes jobs...and supply. Them with what they need to start over with a clean slate...all debts paid to society.

 

A sinner is forever a sinner..until they receive the gift of forgiveness.

 

My husband has given me a gift...in order for it to be a gift..I have to receive it.

 

That means I accept his gift of forgiveness.

 

Not all can receive the gift of forgiveness...and not all can give it.

 

Which means we are indeed very lucky that we have each other.

[Rainbowlove]

A bank robber will always be a felon. They cannot un-do their crime, they can only work to change their ways if they don't want to go to prison. My wife will always be a cheater & she can't un-do her crime. And has had to change her ways in order to keep me paying the bills.

 

I guess it all boils down to this:

 

Some will just pay the bills, some will stop paying the bills and some will reap the benefits of sharing the bills together.

 

I can pay the bills all by myself, but I'm so grateful I don't have to.

[billy baru]

So in other words, once someone cgeats they never again good people

 

Nailed it. Well done.

[drifter777]

I guess it all boils down to this:

 

Some will just pay the bills, some will stop paying the bills and some will reap the benefits of sharing the bills together.

 

I can pay the bills all by myself, but I'm so grateful I don't have to.

 

Reap what benefits? You mean one person paying some of the bills and the other paying the rest of them is some kind of benefit?

[autumnnight]

A bank robber will always be a felon. They cannot un-do their crime, they can only work to change their ways if they don't want to go to prison. My wife will always be a cheater & she can't un-do her crime. And has had to change her ways in order to keep me paying the bills.

 

The difference is, the banker who was robbed does not share a house with the robber and then spend their lives whining about how bad the robber was.

[autumnnight]

Nailed it. Well done.

 

I hope you never stray from perfection. How sad. if someone is an arrogant, obnoxious asshat for a little while, are they doomed to always be an arrogant, obnoxious asshat lol

[Mrs. John Adams]

A relationship is not about who pays the bills. A relationship is about sharing feelings, and thoughts, and dreams.....money is the LEAST of it.

 

when i had my affair...i was 28 years old with two children....8 and 4...We had been married 11 years. My husband was going to school 2 nights a week on the GI bill. We were DIRT poor.

 

I will confess that he thought about... how can i support two households...and i believe his decision in staying with me was somewhat affected by our finances....BUT I BELIEVE HE STAYED BECAUSE HE LOVED ME.

 

i never thought about money. I even told him...if you decide that divorcing me is what you need to do...I will ask for NOTHING....i was the one who had done wrong...I was willing to accept the consequences. I would have moved in with my parents and gotten a job. I told him for thirty years..if you decide you still need to divorce me...go ahead...do what you need to do for you. I never wanted my husband to think he had to stay with me for any reason except ...because he wanted to.

 

I never agreed to stay in this marriage for money....and while i cannot speak for anyone else...I can speak for me. I don't know why you stayed or why you decided to divorce....but we stayed together because we wanted to...because we were willing to work at it...because ultimately we still loved each other and wanted to keep our family together.

 

Has it been easy? of course not....but it has been worth every day of struggle...because ultimately....i don't want to live one moment without him by my side...and he KNOWS it.

[elaine567]

The difference is, the banker who was robbed does not share a house with the robber and then spend their lives whining about how bad the robber was.

When you put it like that, is it then madness for a BS to even contemplate continuing to live with the cheater?

[autumnnight]

When you put it like that, is it then madness for a BS to even contemplate continuing to live with the cheater?

 

It dependsvon whether they choose to stay frozen in time or move forward and grow. You still see yiur spiuse as a cheater years later? Grow up and divorce. Otherwise, you are no longer a victim, but a volunteer, and I have very little sympathy.

 

It's like the woman who complains about being fat while eating donuts.

[road]

In general when an affair happens and they are young, no kids, minimal to no financial entanglements, it is generally best for the marriage to end. Better to start with someone new then deal with the baggage and triggers that can happen years later. Even though it is true that with time triggers may rarely happen and pass quickly it is better to have none.

 

 

However as a relationship's length increases it is not as easy to throw in the towel.

 

 

However as individuals people can move past an affair and some can not. Neither road is the wrong path to take.

 

 

What people fail to remember is that it takes the brain six months to process that their spouse had an affair. During this time the BS should not make any important life changing decisions because they are not thinking straight.

[dichotomy]

My sister has been married to an alcoholic for over 25 years. He has not had a drink in 10 years. He is still an alcoholic, just a sober one. At least that's what they say at his group sessions.

 

So does this mean an adulterer who has not cheated in 10 years and remained married - is still an adulterer - just currently a monogamous one?

 

[TrustedthenBusted]

This is complete garbage. The people who try to work things out with a WS are the same type of people who can't seem to summon the courage to leave a spouse that punches them in the face every day. Physical abusers have the same pathology as emotional abusers.

 

I can have compassion for my xWife, but that doesn't mean I have to continue the marriage. Good people surround themselves with good people.

 

 

That is a horribly insulting generalization that sounds based on some pain you carry.

 

There is just so much more to the choice to R than fear.

 

You basically have no clue what you're talking about.

[autumnnight]

My sister has been married to an alcoholic for over 25 years. He has not had a drink in 10 years. He is still an alcoholic, just a sober one. At least that's what they say at his group sessions.

 

So does this mean an adulterer who has not cheated in 10 years and remained married - is still an adulterer - just currently a monogamous one?

 

 

Not for people who believe in redemption.

[drifter777]

It dependsvon whether they choose to stay frozen in time or move forward and grow. You still see yiur spiuse as a cheater years later? Grow up and divorce. Otherwise, you are no longer a victim, but a volunteer, and I have very little sympathy.

 

It's like the woman who complains about being fat while eating donuts.

Actually your analogies about what it feels like to be a BS are silly and cliché. Can you understand that infidelity is a little more traumatic then eating too many donuts? I hope you never are cheated on and have to learn what its really like.

[Arieswoman]

Cheating has always been a deal-breaker for me and I served my exH with the divorce papers about a week after DD.

 

If someone cheats on me, it tells me loud and clear that we aren't on the same page.

 

My exH made a commitment to me and, as such, doesn't get to re-negotiate the contract by himself. If he no longer liked the contract or felt he couldn't fulfill it, then he should have spoken up. He chose not to do so.

 

If someone cheats on me it tells me lots of things about them.

 

It tells me they have poor boundaries and poor coping strategies.

It tells me they are selfish and have a sense of entitlement.

It tells me that promises aren't important to them.

It tells me that they are unable to articulate their needs and feelings.

 

So, to me it begs the question, why would I want to be with someone who has demonstrated their true character in the most hurtful way possible?

 

I am not saying that cheaters can't change.

 

If they are truly remorseful and wish to change, go to therapy, and do all the spadework necessary to resolve their issues, that's grand.

 

I've just never met one that was willing to do this and neither has any divorced person I know

[elaine567]

Actually your analogies about what it feels like to be a BS are silly and cliché. Can you understand that infidelity is a little more traumatic then eating too many donuts? I hope you never are cheated on and have to learn what its really like.

 

 

Autumnnight is not trivialising being betrayed.

 

I think the point being made by Autumnight is :-

 

The women who is fat and eats loads of donuts does not want to accept that eating donuts is making her fat.

She chooses to "ignore" that fact, and so does nothing about it to improve her life.

 

Similarly a BS who is unhappy post d day (and accepts the cheater almost as is) does not want to accept that the cheater is the reason for her/his unhappiness.

She/he chooses to "ignore" that fact, and so does nothing about it to improve her/his life.

 

Of course not all fat women keep eating donuts and not all BSs accept their WSs back with no attempt at change on the part of the cheater.

[blueskyday]

For me, the hurt also came from a deep feeling of betrayal by the one who is supposed to protect you.

 

Cheating, lying, avoiding the other spouse is selfish. Plain and simple, how do you trust someone who didn't trust you enough to come share their feelings and struggles? Someone who picked themselves over you?

 

I found that once I moved my boundaries so far as to accept what I knew was a dealbreaker, my self esteem plummeted. I will never do that again to myself.

 

No matter the underlying reasons for cheating, it comes down to a major character flaw that allows someone to actually cheat. I can't teach someone to be a good person. So they must go.

[autumnnight]

I found that once I moved my boundaries so far as to accept what I knew was a dealbreaker, my self esteem plummeted. I will never do that again to myself.

 

This is so profound. Gold. I'm going to put this on a sticky note

[Mrs. John Adams]

We all have character flaws...and I am a person who believes anyone can be a cheater...not because I cheated...but because I think everyone given the right frame of mind under the right circumstances could make bad choices.

 

That is not a cop out, or excuse, or blame shifting in any way.

 

Cheating is the ultimate sin as far as I am concerned...for a spouse to commit.

 

I have been on both sides of this equation...and I can tell you...the pain I suffer from my affair is ten fold the pain I feel for his affair. Now that's probably because I blame myself for both of them. What I mean by that is..had I not had my affair...I know he would not have had his.

 

So I carry the burdens for both....don't get me wrong....I deserve to carry the burden for both.

 

Anyway....I believe we all have the capacity to cheat...just as we do to lie or steal. Cheating is worse...absolutely....it involves lying, and stealing, and murder. In order to cheat...we tell lies, and we steal from our spouse the opportunity to have a voice in the matter....and we kill the marriage as we knew it.

 

I might agree that a serial cheater has a character flaw.....but I guess I cut myself and others like me a little slack...who have not repeated the offense.

[autumnnight]

We all have character flaws...and I am a person who believes anyone can be a cheater...not because I cheated...but because I think everyone given the right frame of mind under the right circumstances could make bad choices.

 

That is not a cop out, or excuse, or blame shifting in any way.

 

Cheating is the ultimate sin as far as I am concerned...for a spouse to commit.

 

I have been on both sides of this equation...and I can tell you...the pain I suffer from my affair is ten fold the pain I feel for his affair. Now that's probably because I blame myself for both of them. What I mean by that is..had I not had my affair...I know he would not have had his.

 

So I carry the burdens for both....don't get me wrong....I deserve to carry the burden for both.

 

Anyway....I believe we all have the capacity to cheat...just as we do to lie or steal. Cheating is worse...absolutely....it involves lying, and stealing, and murder. In order to cheat...we tell lies, and we steal from our spouse the opportunity to have a voice in the matter....and we kill the marriage as we knew it.

 

I might agree that a serial cheater has a character flaw.....but I guess I cut myself and others like me a little slack...who have not repeated the offense.

 

I wonder if this thinking comes from having a full understanding of your faith. I am NOT saying someone has to be religious to reconcile or that religious people are better than non-religious at all. I think, maybe, and I could be way off, that when we grow up believing in the truth that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" and that all of us are in need to of race, it makes our thinking different? I think it can work against you too. Someone who grows up in a strict church that focuses on wrath and "be holy as I am holy" without anything about redemption or the fact that Jesus had to die for ALL of us might have a harder time when their spouse falls from the proverbial pedestal.

 

When I was in college I had a pretty pious nose in the air about those "fallen girls" who slept with their boyfriends and/or ended up pregnant. Now that I am old enough to have made some rotten choices in life, I really GET that I need grace just as much as they did, and I am a lot more likely to extend grace.

 

I've often said that - apart from the whole sin being bad thing - the best thing that could ever happen to some people is one really horrible screw-up. It's amazing what a little experiential humility can do for a person.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Autumn...John and i met at church...his father was the pastor. Our families were friends. It was an extremely conservative fundamental church. So in a way i totally understand what you are saying.

 

when i tell you that i was one of those that said...i would NEVER commit adultery....i was very certain it was absolutely not possible. No one was more surprised that i could commit adultery than me. It was not in my "Character"...

 

Since my adultery...i have become a more forgiving, more understanding, more sympathetic, less judgmental person. I have learned that everything is not necessarily black and white. I have not compromised my beliefs....i have just opened my eyes to look at others differently...to have more compassion for them.

 

I have come to a place of forgiveness....and it was difficult...but i had to forgive myself for what i had done in order to heal. Jesus...loved the sinner and hated the sin. I sinned...against my God and against my husband. Both have forgiven me. I hate what i did...and i expect that John will forever hate what i did...but he loves me...and God loves me in spite of what i have done.

 

Am I flawed? we all are....am i remorseful....yes...does John know i am remorseful...yes. I look at it like this....God says we are to confess our sin, repent and sin no more.....

I have confessed...I have repented...and i will do my very best to sin no more. I know that some will never understand...and i am ok with that....i know there are those that will hate me and say they could never forgive....and i also understand that.

 

John forgives my sin...he has given me a tremendous gift. That may be hard for others to understand....i get that....but his forgiveness means everything to me. It doesn't mean he approves of what i did...it means that he loves me in spite of it.

[2.50 a gallon]

After the break up of my marriage, I found that a great and easy source for sex was married women. Most of them were fellow co-workers, and three were revenge affairs with wives of the army of OM's that broke up my marriage. Of the half a dozen plus, partners, I can see now that there was one common theme or gripe the wives had with their husbands. And that being as jm2013 stated in his post, an emotional gap. The husbands had gotten so far into doing their own things, that they had long taken their wives for granted.