fanzoy Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) Hi! I'll try to keep my story short, maybe someone will read it. I'm a 24-year-old male. For the past ten years, I think I've had feelings for the same girl, the entire time. I even remember when I first met her, I can't recall meeting anyone else for the first time. But her I remember clearly. Anyway, I told her how I felt (ten years ago) and she didn't feel the same way. However in a few weeks time, we were essentially dating. It didn't last very long, I was way too insecure and she was well.. 12. About three years later she started dating with one of my best friends. At the time I was pretty disconnected from my friends and when I found out, I was in agony for a loong loong time. I think I was even secretly hoping it wouldn't last. But it did last. I learned to supress my feelings and how to just be a friend to both of them. Quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever done. My friend who she was dating, even cheated on her secretly once, but I couldn't bring myself to rat on him, because I thought I would be doing it for all the wrong reasons (breaking them up for my personal interest). So I just kept quiet. During these ten years, I've never had a girlfriend. I'm decent looking, fit, have a career, but I can't seem to find a single woman to connect with. Nobody ever comes close to her. It's like she stole my heart once and I never got it back, so I can't form new romantic relationships. It makes me wonder if there really is such a thing as "the one" and she is mine. It's making me miserable. I've lived in solitude long enough, I want a partner in my life. I have plenty of friends and I still feel like the loneliest person in the world, with the most pathetic story and circumstances. I think I was slowly getting over her, but BAM then something happened this November. One of my best friends, her boyfriend of seven years, suddenly died tragically. I won't bring in my grieving process into this story, and I hate myself even for thinking it, let alone writing this here - but she is now single. I feel like a horrible person for such thoughts and it's making me feel even worse. I'm at a loss. I don't know how to move on from here. It's not the time to tell her how I feel right now, we're both still coping with the absense of our common friend. But I feel panicking inside, that if I don't do it soon, she will find someone new. I'm hopeful that one day we will happen, but I know the odds are stacked against me. It's like buying a lottery ticket. You HOPE you're going to win, but deep down inside you know the likely outcome. Someone smack some sense into me... what should I do considering the circumstances? I have this fear in the back of my mind, that unless I get (over) her, I will live the rest of my life alone. Edited February 3, 2015 by fanzoy
d0nnivain Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 10 years is a LONG time to pine for someone. You are right, now, in the immediate after math of her BF's death is NOT the time to act on your unrequited feelings. At the very least you need to realize that she is not the same person she was then. Also you are infatuated with your ideal of her which may have very little to do with the reality of who she actually is. After all this time & anticipation, even if she did go on a date with you in a few years after she heals from her BF's death, the reality most likely wouldn't match the fantasy & you would be disappointed. 3
Author fanzoy Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Thanks, I needed to read that. I'm not fully convinced that she is not perfect for me though. I've seen her frequently over the years, every month at least and the more we talk about life, our interests, etc - the more connected I feel, because in a lot of ways we are similar. Especially when it comes to creative and spiritual aspects of our lives. Maybe I'm just amplifying these connections in my mind due to my infatuation, but these discoveries are recent and have nothing to do with the people who we were ten years ago. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 You're not in love with her, you're in love with the idea and fantasy of it all created by you. It's like obsessing over a celebrity, in the way you can pick and choose what you want to see and create this fictitious image based on your altered perception. You didn't even have a relationship with her...there were no significant emotions exchanged and reciprocated, and you were children...you are far different than ten years ago, your minds, emotions and experiences. But because of your misfortune in the dating world and being unable to find a love worth investing in for yourself...this has only made the flame seem stronger. But it's not you and her that share that world together...it is only you alone in your own that has created this entire fantasy....she in reality is not there with you and would likely be freaked out at your protests of undying love over the past ten years. You need to stop going backwards with thus and need to move forward. And just a quick fyi, dead boyfriends are hard for many women to get over...many attach over it obsessively and proclaim that it was this ultimate love that was lost, even if their relationship had serious problems or would have never lasted anyway....that abrupt shutdown of their relationship can tramatize them leaving them unable to move on for a long time. So even if you had a chance, you'd be dating her and her dead BF. This is a worst situation not better...even if you we're by some miracle able to be with her...I'm sure after a short time you would realize it wasn't everything you thought it would be. 4
Author fanzoy Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 After some reflection, I feel like I have some good perspective right now, something I've failed to have all these years until today. Everything you wrote, actually makes sense when I think about it, even though it's a little hard to admit. I'm not saying I'm over it, I'll likely struggle with this in the future, but at least I know where I should be heading. She will always be special to me, first crush and all that, but that's about where it should stay. Unless real, actual relationship develops between us in the future. Which at least for the moment, I feel like I'm not going to be obsessing too much about. Thanks for the replies guys. You can go to bed today, knowing that you've helped someone get into a better place emotionally, than they've been in ten years. 2
LoverOfDance Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) lol, you're just like me in a way. I liked my very first crush for 6 years. No one could compare to him. I only got over him when we completely disconnected - right now I have no idea whether he's dead or alive (hopefully alive, lol). Right now I love a guy who is in a 13 year relationship and have had feelings for him for 4 years now. I don't know if I'm "in love" with him but I do love him as a person and have feelings for him as well. I think my feelings have lasted this long because he's the first man I ever confessed my feelings to. Maybe that's what makes him special for me. And my first crush, I think I liked him for so long because well, he was my FIRST crush. Maybe it has something to do with her being the first girl you ever liked. Some of us are like that - it's really hard for us to let go of people that are special to us in some way. And I think the fact that you never lost touch must have helped keep your flame alive. If I hadn't lost touch with my first crush, it is very possible that my feelings might have been alive today. You seem like a good person for not ratting your friend out when you had the opportunity to. A lot of ppl would not have taken the high road like you did. Since you still feel so strongly about this girl, I don't think you should give up on her. Be there for her now that she really needs someone. Comfort her and when you feel like the time is right, let her know how you feel. You haven't done anything wrong by loving her. Stay close and just be there for her no matter what her response is. Remember that she just lost her boyfriend so she might need sometime to really make a clear decision and decide what she really wants. Just remember to stay close and be her friend. But make sure she knows how you feel (PS. do not wait too long to confess your feelings). Good luck and I really hope everything works out :-) Edited February 3, 2015 by LoverOfDance 1
LoverOfDance Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) Oh and by the way, I have read what the other posters have said but I honestly think you shouldn't give up now. You've liked this girl for 10 years and believe me nothing is ever going to change. Except if she dies (God forbid) or she moves away or you move away or something like that. You have to try and see if things can happen for you two. No matter what happens, it is always good to know that you did all you could have possibly done. This way you never have to wonder WHAT IF. Edited February 3, 2015 by LoverOfDance 1
Gloria25 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Wow, in 10 YEARS you have not found someone with similar qualities/characteristics? But, then again, you are 24...you probably haven't gotten out there and dated anyone, so you think you met "the one" while you may be/have missed out on other opportunities. I really liked my 6 yr guy, and yeah, there's things we had in common that haven't come easy to find...but at the same time, by me maturing, seeing more people and the world, I also realized he lacked a lot of qualities/characteristics that were important to me. Dude, stop swimming in the past with some "idealized" fantasy of puppy love...get out there and meet people. Stop holding yourself back based on fantasies.
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