John83 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Nowhere near ready to date yet but how do those of you approach it when you have kids? Is it harder to meet anyone when you have kids as I imagine it puts some off? Do you feel guilt to your kids for moving on and is it selfish to think of your own needs? Very nervous when the time comes to maybe find someone new.
Mrin Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 There are tons of threads here on this subject. But to answer two of your questions directly: 1. Is it harder to meet someone? I never had an iota of a problem with it. Then again I was very upfront that I have two pre teen daughters so if it scared anyone off - I never saw it. They were gone before I even knew they existed. Scheduling is more difficult for sure. I will say that if I had to do it over again I would avoid the single never married no kids set. My dating range is 35-45. At that age the differences are just too great between me and them. 2. Did I ever feel guilty? Heck no. Why would I? But then again I never felt like I short changed my kids in any way. Can you dive into your logic here? 2
Jessie1231 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It hasn't been a problem for me, but I'm completely honest about the fact that I have kids. The only weird thing I've had is meeting men who want to get a little too involved - one or two guys have seemed to want to replace my ex husband or be my kids' new dad, and that's not happening. I now date just guys with kids. They are more understanding about scheduling problems and are more likely to understand if I have to cancel plans because of a sick kid or sitter canceling. It's just easier for me that way. I've never felt guilty, but I'm good about scheduling dates on nights that the kids are with their dad anyway, so it doesn't really take away from them. 1
Author John83 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 There are tons of threads here on this subject. But to answer two of your questions directly: 1. Is it harder to meet someone? I never had an iota of a problem with it. Then again I was very upfront that I have two pre teen daughters so if it scared anyone off - I never saw it. They were gone before I even knew they existed. Scheduling is more difficult for sure. I will say that if I had to do it over again I would avoid the single never married no kids set. My dating range is 35-45. At that age the differences are just too great between me and them. 2. Did I ever feel guilty? Heck no. Why would I? But then again I never felt like I short changed my kids in any way. Can you dive into your logic here? I know the guilt thing sounds strange but I do have a weird way of thinking but it's sort of because I would have stuck it out with their mother despite anything just so they had a family and even though that is gone and out of my hand I feel moving on is putting the final nail in the coffin to the life I would have prefered for them. And also if feel guilt for having time for anyone other than them (I'd never do it on the time I have the kids but still it would be a hard step) I guess it boils down to the fact having mam and dad together is the life I would have prefered for them and Find it so hard to break away from that ideal, even if it's impossible
Gaeta Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It depends how many children and how old they are and if you have them full time. I have given my best to this one gentleman with 4 kids, he had full custody, kids ranged from age 3 to 16 and I had to call it quit even if I know he is a good man with all the values I was looking for. He just did not have time for me. When he did find time then it was most of the time cancelled last minute or our time was shorten. So yes, each case is different depending on age of children, custody agreement, distance, schedule of both people, etc. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I guess it boils down to the fact having mam and dad together is the life I would have prefered for them and Find it so hard to break away from that ideal, even if it's impossible As a child whose parents divorced when she was 12 and moved out to separate homes when she was 17, let me promise you hand on heart that any child would prefer two calm, happy homes with two calm, happy parents than their parents to stay together miserably, arguing and causing conflict and disharmony without the home. Sometimes things happen and you have to do what's best for your kids, which is moving on. Children want to see their Mother or Father happy, whether it's together or apart. 2
BluEyeL Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I have full custody of my 13 yo son and yes, it is more challenging to date when you have kids. My current relationship would definitely move faster if I didn't have a son full time. For casual dating, I never had any problems. For serious dating/bf-gf stage, you have to take into account the kids' comfort level and introduce them gradually into your relationship. For casual dating, do not introduce people into their lives early ,as much as you can. Age of kids matters a lot. The worst are the pre-teens and teens, they can take years to accept a new partner and you have to use leather gloves when dealing with them and your new partner. Overall, there is a lot to say, but it is doable, with challenges. I know that if my current R doesn't work out, I'll have to take a break from looking for a serious relationship for a few years, until my son is close to college age. I can't bring someone else into his life next year. I don't have guilt over dating. It is what it is. As long as the dream of the ideal family was destroyed by the divorce, I think it's perfectly reasonable that the parents look for another partner, as long as they don't parade people in and out of the house/their life and don't take the special child-parent times together away from them. 1
RedRobin Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It depends on the individual. Some people are very good planners, schedulers, and communicators... And they carry those traits through every aspect of their lives. I have dated both types of dads... The ones that have the traits above present no issues to me with kids or anything that comes up related to work ,family, anything. On the other hand, there are parents who are perpetually disorganized, stressed out, who can't make or keep a plan to save their lives. This lack of life planning and discipline tends to extend into other areas of their lives as well. So, I simply observe how well they manage their life and proceed from there. Having kids never swayed me one way or the other. It does bug me when people with kids act like that gives them the perpetual green light to be flaky or unreliable. I've learned to smoke those out fairly early and walk, because those traits never really change no matter how old the kids are or what the kids are doing. Don't use your kids as an excuse for anything. Normal people understand that adults have commitments and obligations that came before your relationship. How you manage those commitments is what sets you apart. Just like everyone else. 1
angel.eyes Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It's great that you recognize that you aren't ready to date yet but are getting prepared and are planning ahead for when you are. Here are my suggestions: Develop a stable child-sharing pattern with your ex, so that your schedule is predictable.Find a reliable babysitter that you trust and you can depend on should your ex have last-minute emergencies, etc. Be upfront about your child situation and your available time with dating prospects. I was blindsided a few times by guys who waited until after a first or second date to disclose that they had kids. The other person needs to have a sense of how much time you actually have available to date and invest in a potential relationship. Hope that helps. 1
Author John83 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Thanks for all the replies, everyone's input is appreciated. My kids are 5 and 7, have my daughter (5) full time at the moment but will have to settle for joint custody once it's all sorted. I built my life around them maybe a bit to much and have had my own life on hold since having them, all my spare time I spent with them, always do the school run when I was off work and now the thought of not having them around some of the time is terrifying.
angel.eyes Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 now the thought of not having them around some of the time is terrifying. Please make sure that this is not what prompts you to date when you do eventually start dating. Don't date someone to mask your loneliness and give you something to do while they are at their mom's house. There are many reasons to date. Hopefully this won't be one of your reasons.
Author John83 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Please make sure that this is not what prompts you to date when you do eventually start dating. Don't date someone to mask your loneliness and give you something to do while they are at their mom's house. There are many reasons to date. Hopefully this won't be one of your reasons. Sorry that it sounded that way, no rest assured when it is time to date it will be with the sole intention of finding that special someone if they exist, was messed around a lot by the mother of my kids and would never do the same to anyone else, I'd not waste someone's time unless my intentions were good and true.
angel.eyes Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 No worries. I'm sure you'll make someone very happy someday. Good luck on your journey. 1
preraph Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Please don't feel bad for moving on. If you and the mother had shouting matches, it's better you are not in the same house. I grew up with parents who fought, and I can't tell you how deeply it affected me. It made me scared someone was going to get hurt and it gave me physical ailments from all the stress. 2
NopeNah Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I divorced at 25 with sole custody of my 4yr old daughter. I dated LOTS! I had a six month rule before anyone met my kid. I didn't want her meeting various women if there was no chance for a future. My most recent ex had a son one year older than my girl,so it worked out. Both kids are now young adults and me and her have chose to go our own ways. The kid's still remain very close and I'm still very close with her son. That being said. I'm late 30's and do not want to raise anyone else's children anymore. I'm past that part of my life. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Please don't feel bad for moving on. If you and the mother had shouting matches, it's better you are not in the same house. I grew up with parents who fought, and I can't tell you how deeply it affected me. It made me scared someone was going to get hurt and it gave me physical ailments from all the stress. Same. The constant tension led me to severe self harming, drinking and taking soft drugs as a very young teenager, giving up on school and suffering with what I now realise was depression. I used to pray for the day my Father would move out so my Mother and I could live in peace with our cat. I know that's a threadjack, but I just wanted to echo what you said, as the OP said he felt guilty for not giving his kids the 'two parents together forever' life he wanted for them. I promise that there are far worse fates than having two separate happy parents! 2
pteromom Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I guess it boils down to the fact having mam and dad together is the life I would have prefered for them and Find it so hard to break away from that ideal, even if it's impossible Since that isn't possible, the second best option is to have a life where they have security and predictability, where they feel loved and respected, and where their parents are able to co-parent peacefully and never by putting the kids in the middle. Give them that, and go out and date on your off-time. Do NOT allow your kids to meet a girlfriend unless you are planning on proposing to her. It hurts a lot when a child gets attached to a partner and then they disappear. Moreso when it happens over and over. Lastly, a big difference in dating with kids vs. without is you have to vet a woman as a potential step-mother right away. This means any red flags that would get in the way of being a good role model for your children means she is gone. Some of the wild crazy things that would be fun if you were childless are on this list. You are a father first. That's the big difference. And you have to let the red flags go right away. Otherwise, you'll end up in a situation where you are in love with a woman who you don't want as a step-mother to your kids, and you'll have to choose between her and them, and why put yourself through that pain? 1
Mrin Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I know the guilt thing sounds strange but I do have a weird way of thinking but it's sort of because I would have stuck it out with their mother despite anything just so they had a family and even though that is gone and out of my hand I feel moving on is putting the final nail in the coffin to the life I would have prefered for them. And also if feel guilt for having time for anyone other than them (I'd never do it on the time I have the kids but still it would be a hard step) I guess it boils down to the fact having mam and dad together is the life I would have prefered for them and Find it so hard to break away from that ideal, even if it's impossible Naw man. Don't feel guilty. As some have already said in this thread, your kids would rather two happy divorced parents rather than two unhappy or "off" married parents. Believe me. I speak from experience on all sides of this issue. The life you would have preferred for them is the fairy tale you tell yourself. It wasn't like that and it would never have been that else you wouldn't be divorced right now. So stop telling yourself that story and luxuriating in that guilt. You got divorced. That's what happened. The rest, the rest is a story. Now, when the time is right, go out and do the responsible thing and make a happy daddy. And that means dating, living and loving. Still not convinced? Here, try this one on. As far as parenting opportunities go - dude, you just hit the jackpot and don't even know it. Kids learn through observation. You have the opportunity of a lifetime - a chance to show them first hand how to be happy by themselves. That they don't need someone to feel happy. And when the time is right you get to show them how to fall in love. How to treat a woman with love and respect. How to grow together. How to work through rough spots. And yes maybe even how to get over heartache again. You get to show them all of it. Isn't that a million times better than the alternative? 3
Author John83 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Thanks for the replies everyone. Some awesome advice from everyone and it offers hope. Thanks it's greatly appreciated and exactly what I need to be hearing right now. 2
slizl Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Speaking from experience, having kids will get you "filtered out" by a lot of women online. Meeting someone in real life, where you are a real person and they can feel chemistry, etc., kids won't matter as much. I have my kids 50% of the time, and honestly it is the best. I get my kids half the time, and I get me time half of the time. I have the best of both worlds and loving it! 1
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