CarrieT Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 That is cruel. He was still hoping for her to come back. If she had responded positively to his flowers he would have gone back to her. You were the back up plan. He did not send her flowers for closure, he sent her flowers as a last attempt to get her back before moving with you. ^ ^ ^ OP, please re-read this ^ ^ ^ Re-read it several times. Over-and-over-and-over... YOU WERE THE BACK-UP PLAN. 4
kendahke Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 So he minimized and lied about her. First he wasn't honest about her. Then he said he saw her for a few months each weekend. Now she says it was a year and she broke it off. He's not been honest. Can you live with a dishonest man? All that could be why his his wife left him in the first place--he's not honest and he's manipulative. Once he decided to enter into a sexual relationship with OP, he needed to disclose his interactions with the side piece to OP. Sending flowers as closure is a ruse--it was a way to keep him on her mind. OP--pack your stuff and just go stay at your place for the time being. He's still not ready for a one on one relationship with anyone. 3
Gaeta Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 my heart is telling me to pack my stuff and go so why am I still here? You've just been stunned that's why you feel that way. Same thing happened to me last year, after 6 months of being in this blissful relationship a shocking news is unveiled and I am left alone completely stunned and in disbelief. Most relationship ends after an accumulation of disagreements and you see it coming. When it's sudden with no warning it's something else to deal with. 2
Author beautifulinside2 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 The crazy part about it is there were no arguments. None! I never even knew about her, he hadn't mentioned one word about a relationship. All I can say is he really had me fooled, and I will emotionally disengage, I need to take this one step at a time, my grandmother just passed away this morning and I feel like I have no one to talk to. I packed all of my stuff in the car last night in the snow and cold weather, he cried and begged me not to leave. This morning same thing except when I woke up he had got up during the night and took all my stuff back out the car.
CarrieT Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 my grandmother just passed away this morning Oh my dear, I am so, so sorry... I feel like I have no one to talk to. You have us. We are faceless, but we are here and we care. I woke up he had got up during the night and took all my stuff back out the car. THIS. He knows. He knows it is over. And you know it is over. It is all coming down so fast and shocking and for that, I am very sorry. But I think there is a quiet resignation inside you that knows it is for the best that you found this out now. 2
Gaeta Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 The crazy part about it is there were no arguments. None! I never even knew about her, he hadn't mentioned one word about a relationship. All I can say is he really had me fooled, and I will emotionally disengage, I need to take this one step at a time, my grandmother just passed away this morning and I feel like I have no one to talk to. I packed all of my stuff in the car last night in the snow and cold weather, he cried and begged me not to leave. This morning same thing except when I woke up he had got up during the night and took all my stuff back out the car. My deepest sympathy for your loss. His crying and begging is not motivated by fear of losing you. It's motivated by fear of being alone. His begging and crying will continue for a little while but at the same time he will be looking for someone else, anything to fill the void, you or someone new, doesn't matter, as long as he's not alone. 1
Author beautifulinside2 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 Obviously his plans were for me to never find out unless she agreed to take him back. He knows the next step with us so it would be a lot easier for him to go back to her knowing they could never really have a life together. He enjoyed the fun without the real commitment but with me he sees he has to make one. Well... I'm about to change that
Timshel Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 The crazy part about it is there were no arguments. None! I never even knew about her, he hadn't mentioned one word about a relationship. All I can say is he really had me fooled, and I will emotionally disengage, I need to take this one step at a time, my grandmother just passed away this morning and I feel like I have no one to talk to. I packed all of my stuff in the car last night in the snow and cold weather, he cried and begged me not to leave. This morning same thing except when I woke up he had got up during the night and took all my stuff back out the car. I am sorry for your loss. This must be a difficult time for you. You are vulnerable and hurt. I feel that. Still leave. A time spent away will do no harm and is so very important for you and him. He needs it also though he does not know it. Continue on. There are family things to attend to now. Other people need you and most importantly, you need space and time to process the changes and information coming into you now. In a little while, when you are in a balanced place, you will go to dinner, take a walk with him. You will have insight, you will be in a place of understanding and wisdom. Tell him to give you some time and you will call, when you are ready, to talk. Assure him only this, it is the only honest assurance you can give. Then take time for yourself. Don't be afraid to lose him and rush to make everything ok for him. Love is something you can never lose. As you grieve your loss, keep this in mind. It's true and human me did not make it up today. Best wishes and make every effort to be still. 2
beach Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I'm really sorry for your loss. Id be angry that he would disrespect my decision by unpacking my things behind my back while I slept! He's making it worse by being sneaky and not respecting your decision. 1
elaine567 Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 All I can say is he really had me fooled Keep remembering that about him, it will stand you in good stead for the coming weeks. So sorry to hear about your grandmother, concentrate on your family and friends for a while, they will see you through this.
Author beautifulinside2 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 So now what about the vacations scheduled and payments made for?
Gaeta Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 So now what about the vacations scheduled and payments made for? I would expect him to pay you back and absorb the financial loss if trip isn't refundable. 2
elaine567 Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I would expect him to pay you back and absorb the financial loss if trip isn't refundable. The least he could do in the circumstances.
beach Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 So now what about the vacations scheduled and payments made for? You were paying for the vacation? Why wasn't he paying? If you can't get your money back go anyway - take a friend or family member and have fun!
Author beautifulinside2 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 I won the money on slot machines while we were in Vegas for NYE and his friends were going to Mexico so we thought we should just go with them. What if I never looked into his email? Would It have worked itself out?
Gaeta Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I won the money on slot machines while we were in Vegas for NYE and his friends were going to Mexico so we thought we should just go with them. What if I never looked into his email? Would It have worked itself out? Who paid the trip to Vegas? If you paid his trip to Mexico I hope he paid your trip to Vegas!! What if I never looked into his email? Would It have worked itself out? No, Why? because you are not his first choice. You're his back up plan, you would have remained his back up plan. That means he would still be free for a plan A, and some day he'd come across a woman and he'd make her his plan A. You don't go from plan B to plan A when plan A aborts. You always remain plan B till a new plan A shows up. 3
elaine567 Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I won the money on slot machines while we were in Vegas for NYE and his friends were going to Mexico so we thought we should just go with them. What if I never looked into his email? Would It have worked itself out? Maybe, maybe not, but this man lied to you from day one and you didn't really have an inkling about her, until you snooped. That is the worrying thing here.
BC1980 Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I won the money on slot machines while we were in Vegas for NYE and his friends were going to Mexico so we thought we should just go with them. What if I never looked into his email? Would It have worked itself out? He would have stayed with you, and you probably would never have known. But that doesn't change the fact that he was deceitful, and you weren't the first choice. It's a blessing that you found all of this out. 1
beach Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 He would have stayed with you, and you probably would never have known. But that doesn't change the fact that he was deceitful, and you weren't the first choice. It's a blessing that you found all of this out. It's true. And when someone shows you who they really are - believe it. 1
beach Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 What's the latest? Has he been respecting your decision?
preraph Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 Well, I never cease being surprised and stunned at the lengths men will go to. I'm glad you talked to her. He may carry a torch for her, but she's more mature and not doing that to her kids. I'd feel better if she'd said straight up she wasn't really interested, but.... She probably considers him fickle since he didn't waste any time after their ending to start dating you. Have you thought about marriage counseling to maybe get clarity on if you can really work through this or not? It might answer some questions such as would he have really left if she'd been willing to get back together. My best guess now is that he'd have tried to see you both secretly until he could decide what to do. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It's just so unfair for a man to put you in this quandry through no fault of your own.
coryreply Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 (edited) Hi. I was thinking about you and your situation today. What's the latest? Edited February 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author beautifulinside2 Posted October 12, 2015 Author Posted October 12, 2015 (edited) Basically, after catching my bf sending flowers to this lady back in February, for the most part we have been good. I told him I would stay in the relationship as long as he promised to never contact her again. On September 20th he sent her a text message which stated: Him: I saw a picture of your kids on Facebook and it made me think of you. Its great that the kids are still playing soccer. A lot has changed in the past 6 months lets meet for lunch to catch up. NO STRINGS ATTACHED Her: My lunch schedule is flexible any day this week. Quite naturally I lost it. He stated that he still needs closure from her and it's my fault that he didn't get it because I responded to the message how inappropriate I thought the entire communication was and told her she needs to focus on her kids. She stated she would never contact him again. So here is a little more background: His ex wife and her ex husband broke up. He claimed he wanted to talk to her about that situation and still get the closure she never gave him when he left 2 years ago. The worst part is how he was able to let go of his wife of 27 years, but still can't shake a barely real relationship of less than a year. They were only in a relationship for approx. 7 months and it was not a full blown relationship because most of it was secret. He stated he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt my feelings and had I not been snooping it would have occurred and been over with in 30 minutes. He claims it was innocent, but I don't believe him. Now, three weeks later I'm sleeping in a separate room until I can save enough money to move. He asked what he can do to fix it, and after all this time I haven't been able to think of one thing, hence its why I came to the board. Also since posting the last post I found out that they had sex several times, spent 2 nights a week together and occasionally spending the night at each others house while the kids were at their ex's. This whole situation just spells drama and she has two kids 8 and 12. I have invested so much money so its not conducive for me to leave just yet without recouping some money Edited October 12, 2015 by beautifulinside2
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 I am very sorry you are going through this. Yes there is something he could do. He could pay for you to move out and get settled in a new place asap. It's the least he can do for you. 5
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