Author beautifulinside2 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Posted February 4, 2015 We see each other everyday (maybe without 1 day). Yes they did have sex apparently they spent the night every other weekend from February-May last year. He just sent a text saying : I know I screwed up a good situation . I know I'm finished with the other lady. I don't know if you should have Anything to do with me because what I did was way out of bounds to say the least.I don't feel very good about myself right now!
beach Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 He wasn't over the M and he wasn't over the other gal... He's right - he hasn't been true to what he's been pretending to offer to you. I think he needs to do work with a professional first to get past his attachments to his past. And he looks like he's afraid to be alone. 1
O'Malley Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 (edited) They were both cheated on; sometimes BSs embark on their own voyages of discovery. Very true. Just because his wife cheated doesn't render him incapable of infidelity. What is certain is that he's been careful to omit his ongoing pursuit of a connection with her, until he was confronted by the OP and had to do some damage control. He had the option of ceasing contact with this woman when he became involved with the OP, or he could have disclosed his interactions with this woman and allowed OP to make a decision based on that information. Personally I wouldn't be involved with someone who had a fallout/revenge fling with the OM's wife and continued to keep tabs on her - that's not a healthy way of dealing with and moving on from a failed long term relationship. Even if physical cheating wasn't involved, his behavior was inappropriate and disrespectful when he's in a relationship with someone else. After only 16 months, it's doubtful that he's successfully moved past the issues in the breakup, yet he's ready to move in with the OP. I'd trust your instincts on this one. Edited February 4, 2015 by O'Malley
katinlc Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Yes they did have sex apparently they spent the night every other weekend from February-May last year. QUOTE] This changes everything for me. I thought they had sex once or twice and realized it wasn't there thing. Didn't realize it was a regular thing for 4 months. I would definitely not be happy about him sending her flowers & not telling you about her. Maybe she no longer wants to be with him, but he still wants her? Despite what is going on, I think several other people have hit the true issue - this man is barely out of a 27 year marriage ended by infidelity and wants to move in with you. It's too soon. Things may be happy and great for a while, but I think there will have to be a break down at some point where he properly grieves his marriage. If you want to keep dating him fine, but keep your heart guarded. 1
amaysngrace Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Why are you scoping out his emails? It seems to me that you shouldn't be in a relationship with somebody who you feel the need to creep on regardless of who he is sending flowers to....and then sit here and question his actions. I guess it's easier than looking inward. 1
elaine567 Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 We see each other everyday (maybe without 1 day). Yes they did have sex apparently they spent the night every other weekend from February-May last year. He just sent a text saying : I know I screwed up a good situation . I know I'm finished with the other lady. I don't know if you should have Anything to do with me because what I did was way out of bounds to say the least.I don't feel very good about myself right now! That sounds a bit more serious than merely sending flowers to a fellow BS/ former lover, and not telling you about her. What exactly IS he sorry for??? 1
Gaeta Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 More I think about it more I am convinced he is lying. I don't believe he did not speak with her since he met you 6 months ago. If he was about to send her roses it's because he knows about her life and that those flowers would have been welcomed. How does he know she is not now in a relationship? or seeing someone? or how does he know she has not totally moved on from him? Seriously, would you send flowers on Valentine's Day to a woman you have not spoken to in 6 months and new nothing about the latest in her life? Is it just me or it's totally illogical! 1
mightycpa Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 How does he know she is not now in a relationship? or seeing someone? I'm not saying you're wrong, but the answer could be as simple as Facebook. Who knows what she posts on there.
Gaeta Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I'm not saying you're wrong, but the answer could be as simple as Facebook. Who knows what she posts on there. He claims he has not spoken to her in 6 months. That is the part I don't believe. He checked her FB and thought: Oh there is Bernadette, I have not spoken to her in 6 months, let's deliver roses to her on V-D. 2
kendahke Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 He claims he has not spoken to her in 6 months. That is the part I don't believe. He checked her FB and thought: Oh there is Bernadette, I have not spoken to her in 6 months, let's deliver roses to her on V-D. That and the fact that if this took place 2 weeks from now or had OP not snooped and broke open a can of hell on him, those roses would have gone out on Valentine's day as scheduled, along with OP's order. OP being in his life didn't make him say to himself "I need to cancel that FTD delivery to Bernadette" like over 6 months ago. THAT is the issue I have with all of this. He just sent a text saying : I know I screwed up a good situation . I know I'm finished with the other lady. I don't know if you should have Anything to do with me because what I did was way out of bounds to say the least.I don't feel very good about myself right now! He's finished with her because she vanished on him, not because he told her "good luck in your future, I'm going to end my part of our involvement" 6 months ago. He knows what he has done is wrong, and that is all well and good now that he sees the error of his ways, but he didn't come to that realization of his own volition. He came to it because OP grabbed him by his ears and made him look at it. That text from him is manipulation and damage control. He doesn't want to be without his bed warmer.
Gaeta Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Sorry I am so insisting I have too much time on my hands till 5h. So if she vanished on him months ago, and they don't speak, how come they are friends on FB? And, if someone vanishes on you it's cause they don't want to hear from you so how sending her flowers was going to give him closure? Usually people have a conversation to find closure. And, why vanish on him if they are SO connected? why she did not end it amicably. Maybe because he pulled a sheetee one on her? like he's pulling one on you right now.
beach Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I'm skeptical because he's slept with her. Still checking her FB page and sending roses would obviously prompt communication between the two of them. He intended to send her roses. Intent is everything. He didn't stop to consider that sending them would be hurting your feelings - or - he figured sending them to her was just as important (at that time he ordered them) as sending them to you. I think it's pretty crappy of him. Makes me really wonder if he's seen her in the past 6 months he's been with you. 4
losangelena Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 If I found out my BF sent flowers (other than condolence flowers) to another woman, regardless of their history, I think I'd be hard-pressed to carry on.
preraph Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I think he was honest about needing the closure. Of course, it could mean he still had some feelings for her, but they'd already stopped seeing each other. Since they went through the situation together, he could have a combination of needing closure and also be a little worried to know she's okay and been looking for just some reassurance on that and wanting to be sure he didn't just hurt her. Of course, there's the possibility he's been trying to get her back, too. You can't completely rule that out. Hope it all works out. Just keep the communication open like it is now and sounds like if he was up to something, he might confess it rather than carry the secret, but I don't know him, only what you've said about him.
beach Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 But if he needed closure he would have talked to her - he's had 6 months to do that. And closure doesn't happen when you send a gal roses, that's an opening in my opinion. 2
Els Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Quite unacceptable. Really, if he had felt bad for the kids, he could have bought a present for the kids on Christmas or something! Not sent roses to their mother. 2
Author beautifulinside2 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 Well, I contacted the girl and confirmed they had not dated since May but they dated for a year and she broke it off due to therapy and she didn't want to put her kids through having a relationship with the husband of the man her husbands wife cheated with. He finally told me that she never gave him closure and sending her flowers was the last attempt to make sure it was over between them before moving on with me. He said it's been hard for him to get over her because she was one of the nicest women he ever met and it's not the 27 year marriage because his wife was a bitc. I asked him why he didn't tell me about her in the beginning and he said he didn't want me to leave and he thought the feelings would go away. I'm destroyed, my heart is telling me to pack my stuff and go so why am I still here?
coolheadal Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 (edited) First off he has two women. You and her and him. Makes sense to stay right? Nope best not move in with him as you can clearly not over the other woman means a lot more to him than you do. Your the safe one he can be with she is the off limits one. The whole idea of this story is get out now before you get suck into his drama. Edited February 5, 2015 by coolheadal 1
Author beautifulinside2 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 (edited) Here I was thinking I was dating a good honest man just getting past his divorce and come to find out he is getting past the woman after his divorce? The ex wife of the man who took his wife. I mean am I the only one who thinks this is weird? These are all college educated people. Then he didn't tell me about this woman from the beginning because he was afraid it would scare me off but now he wants me to stay because he now realizes they could never be due to the circumstances and oh I got the whole you deserve better speech yet please stay huh? We planned and paid for vacations yet he still needed closure and not from the woman he spent 27 years with? Huh my head is spinning Edited February 5, 2015 by beautifulinside2
beach Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 So he minimized and lied about her. First he wasn't honest about her. Then he said he saw her for a few months each weekend. Now she says it was a year and she broke it off. He's not been honest. Can you live with a dishonest man? 2
coolheadal Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Here I was thinking I was dating a good honest man just getting past his divorce and come to find out he is getting past the woman after his divorce? The ex wife of the man who took his wife. I mean am I the only one who thinks this is weird? These are all college educated people. Then he didn't tell me about this woman from the beginning because he was afraid it would scare me off but now he wants me to stay because he now realizes they could never be due to the circumstances and oh I got the whole you deserve better speech yet please stay huh? We planned and paid for vacations yet he still needed closure and not from the woman he spent 27 years with? Huh my head is spinning Doesn't matter how educated they are, still your stuck in his drama. He's playing both decks. You need to understand what's going on. Otherwise your not thinking clearly. No matter what he tells you he's making it seem like nothing is wrong. But you are now seeing what's going on. Best to say thanks but no thanks I am getting out of this mess right now! SEE YA!
Timshel Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I would begin to emotionally disengage. He wanted to be with her, he sent flowers in the hope of sparking her interest. He wanted a reaction from her when she received the flowers. Please understand that this was his motivation for sending the flowers. You are his current relationship so that he does not have to be alone. SHE is the woman he would be with right now if she would allow it. I'm sorry, it's totally nothing to do with you. This is his thing and where he is right now mentally and emotionally. Not your fault or problem. He has been discovered and is back-peddling. A bird in the hand is what he will fight for. He has emotional issues that he has yet to deal with. His divorce and his subsequent relationship from which he was also rejected. Now there is you and the man seems completely unwilling to go it alone. He needs to and you have to look out for yourself. He is not ready, though he will swear he is, anything to avoid aloneness. Save yourself, the problems will continue if you stay. 4
Gaeta Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Well, I contacted the girl and confirmed they had not dated since May but they dated for a year and she broke it off due to therapy and she didn't want to put her kids through having a relationship with the husband of the man her husbands wife cheated with. He finally told me that she never gave him closure and sending her flowers was the last attempt to make sure it was over between them before moving on with me. He said it's been hard for him to get over her because she was one of the nicest women he ever met and it's not the 27 year marriage because his wife was a bitc. I asked him why he didn't tell me about her in the beginning and he said he didn't want me to leave and he thought the feelings would go away. I'm destroyed, my heart is telling me to pack my stuff and go so why am I still here? I am so sorry I can feel your disappointment. He finally told me that she never gave him closure and sending her flowers was the last attempt to make sure it was over between them That is cruel. He was still hoping for her to come back. If she had responded positively to his flowers he would have gone back to her. You were the back up plan. He did not send her flowers for closure, he sent her flowers as a last attempt to get her back before moving with you. If they dated for a year, doesn't that make them dating while they were still married? he didn't want me to leave and he thought the feelings would go away. = he still has feelings for her. This is a lot of drama, lies and BS. This is also very typical of dating a person that has not dealt properly with their past break up and are using you as an emotional safety net. 3
elaine567 Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 These are all college educated people. And what do college educated people have in common? They are intelligent and smart, not dull and stupid. They plan, they scheme, they usually do what is best for them, by thinking it all through carefully. So he basically lied and minimalised to manipulate you. I knew there was more to this than just sending another BS flowers, by his replies yesterday. So "sleeping with her" with the implied once or twice, turned into a few months, turned into a year long relationship... I thought it was only WSs that trickle truthed. He then says he is sending her long stemmed roses as closure???? Why does HE need to close anything? She did that when SHE split up with HIM. My guess the roses were an attempt to win her back. You now know what to do here, don't you?. I am so sorry, it has all fallen to bits. 2
Toodaloo Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I would begin to emotionally disengage. He wanted to be with her, he sent flowers in the hope of sparking her interest. He wanted a reaction from her when she received the flowers. Please understand that this was his motivation for sending the flowers. You are his current relationship so that he does not have to be alone. SHE is the woman he would be with right now if she would allow it. I'm sorry, it's totally nothing to do with you. This is his thing and where he is right now mentally and emotionally. Not your fault or problem. He has been discovered and is back-peddling. A bird in the hand is what he will fight for. He has emotional issues that he has yet to deal with. His divorce and his subsequent relationship from which he was also rejected. Now there is you and the man seems completely unwilling to go it alone. He needs to and you have to look out for yourself. He is not ready, though he will swear he is, anything to avoid aloneness. Save yourself, the problems will continue if you stay. Now things have moved on and you have more information I am going with the above. This guy needs to be on his own for a while. So sorry OP.
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