Diezel Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I have actually had long-stem roses sent to me twice. On both occasions they were sent by male friends with whom I had NO sexual relations (and no inclinations) and they did it because I was at a low spot in my life and thought I could use the pick-me-up. I get that, but did that day happen to be Valentine's Day, too?
preraph Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 We talked this afternoon about it and he claimed this was something he was going to talk to me about but didn't know how to go about it. He said he was married for 27 years and never been through anything like this before. He said that things were going so well between us that it scared him and somehow he was unintentionally trying to sabotage our relationship. He said he doesn't have romantic feelings for this lady. It's just something he thought would make her happy during this time and obviously something that made him come to terms with the ending of his marriage. it's just that everything is wound up together with his emotions. He didn't expect to love me and have me apart of his life like this, he said he is so happy. He asked that I wait a couple days to talk and think things through before I make a rash decision. Don't dump him for this. I think he's being honest. If she's a friend as he says, then tell him you want to invite her for dinner if he wants. He didn't seem to be feeding you some line to get you to stay. He really explained the way things progressed and how he thought about it in his head. If they were going to be together, they'd have already stayed together. They feel sorry for each other and were support for each other during that bad time. Based on what he said, I'd let it go and see if he wants to pull her into the circle as a friend. 5
Diezel Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I know I shouldn't have looked through his email but I had to know as we have started to make future plans. So at what point do we stop ignoring this, and address it? 1
beach Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I would want to know why he said he was trying to sabotage your R... Can you ask him how that's helpful to your dating him? And how he intends to participate moving forward...? 1
Gaeta Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 We talked this afternoon about it and he claimed this was something he was going to talk to me about but didn't know how to go about it. Easy to say after you've been caught. He said he was married for 27 years and never been through anything like this before. He said that things were going so well between us that it scared him and somehow he was unintentionally trying to sabotage our relationship. BINGO! 27 years is a VERY long time and you can't just sweep the pain under the rug and not deal with it. He was unintentionally trying to sabotage your relationship because he-is-not-ready to re-invest himself! He said he doesn't have romantic feelings for this lady. It's just something he thought would make her happy during this time Oh sure!! getting roses from ex-boyfriend that is now in beautiful new relationship is exactly what I need to cheer up! (not). By the way does she know about you? and obviously something that made him come to terms with the ending of his marriage. Sending roses to an ex lover on V-D helped him come to terms with the end of his 27 year marriage....huh? I am still waiting to hear what prompt you to check his email in the first place? 1
Author beautifulinside2 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) Two weeks ago he made a comment to me like I don't want to hurt you and I don't want you to hurt me. I thought it was an odd comment since we just returned from a awesome vacation. I asked him what he meant by that and he stated he was feeling scared by our relationship and didn't want to get hurt again. That's when I told him there were no guarantees in life and should we just take a break. He said no our relationship was fine is just his hesitance after the divorce. Two weeks fast forward I was sick and he took care of me at his house the entire time, something inside me wasnt buying it and he just talked about moving in over the next three months so I looked in his computer facebook first and noticed he liked some of her pictures then I looked in the history to see how often he looked at her page and it was daily, that's when I decided to go to the email. She does know about us because he has pictures of us all over his facebook page from our trips, New Years Eve and family gatherings. Edited February 3, 2015 by beautifulinside2
beach Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It's odd - he attaches the end of his M to this gal and checks her FB page daily? It sounds like he's not over his M at this point and has some weird attachment to this other gal- enough to send her flower(s) on V-Day. I'd want my guy to process through all the residual crap he's hanging on to FIRST, before moving any further with dating him. 1
CarrieT Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I get that, but did that day happen to be Valentine's Day, too? Yes, for one of them...
Toodaloo Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I get that, but did that day happen to be Valentine's Day, too? When male friends have done this for me it has sometimes been on valentines day... Beautiful - I think you need to slow this all down. I think he is scared and unsure. I think you just need to back off a little bit and give him a bit of time and space. Sometimes guys just need to retreat to their cave to figure out what they want and how they feel. The pain of his divorce is still very raw. He probably does love you but don't forget he felt that before and look where it got him. I doubt he wants to make that mistake again. My advice is do not move in at the moment. Postpone it for a while. Immerse yourself in the things you love and carry on spending time with him. Enjoy each other. You have all the time in the world and you do not need to rush anything. Give him time to feel comfortable. Enjoy every moment together before you have to worry about shared bills and dull stuff like that. See how you go and if you still have that niggle feeling after a month or so end it. If that niggle goes away reassess the situation then. Do listen very very carefully to what he says. He is telling you that he cares for you and its frightening him at the moment. Blokes do weird things when they are frightened and feel backed into a corner. 1
kendahke Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Two weeks fast forward I was sick and he took care of me at his house the entire time, something inside me wasnt buying it So, you are pretty much saying here that you believe him to be a liar and was lying to you. No trust, believing he's a liar and snooping--that is not a good sign for any kind of happiness in the future. 1
Author beautifulinside2 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Posted February 4, 2015 Yes, I know. I never believed him to be lying about anything else but this. I trust him, but I assume it's because he was ashamed of the situation. He said it's hard letting someone into his life but he is working on it. He has since asked me for forgiveness, removed her from facebook and cancelled the flowers. He said they built a friendship during that time and she abruptly stop talking to him without a good bye or explanation. He needed closure. I know he is faithful to me. I'm just disappointed because I now realize he doesn't trust me yet with his feelings and emotions. We are going to work it out.
irresolute Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Yikes I'm feeling for you. This looks murky and unacceptable, and I hope you respect yourself enough to walk away from this cheater.
kendahke Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 (edited) I'm just disappointed because I now realize he doesn't trust me yet with his feelings and emotions. We are going to work it out. Don't move in with him until this is all worked out. You need to work on your issues of distrust, too. You both have work to do before your relationship is healthy enough to support the two of you cohabitating. What has he said about you snooping in his email and on his Facebook account? You both have successfully kneecapped your relationship with this incident--that's going to take some time to heal before it can fully support the weight of your relationship. Edited February 4, 2015 by kendahke 5
Toodaloo Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Yikes I'm feeling for you. This looks murky and unacceptable, and I hope you respect yourself enough to walk away from this cheater. He hasn't cheated. He has made a mistake while feeling vulnerable. Big difference. How about trying to encourage these two to work on their relationship which up until now has been good and sort out their problems rather than treat each other as disposable? People make mistakes for a wide variety of reasons. OP keep talking and take your time with him. Rebuild the trust and communication. 2
kendahke Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 He said they built a friendship during that time and she abruptly stop talking to him without a good bye or explanation. He needed closure. The explanation may be he began seeing you at the same time he was involved with her. The pictures up on Facebook being what caused her to vanish on him without a word. And frankly, he didn't need a word if he has you and is making his relationship with you public on social media. That pretty much tells the world where his focus lies now, no? 1
coryreply Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Yes, I know. I never believed him to be lying about anything else but this. I trust him, but I assume it's because he was ashamed of the situation. He said it's hard letting someone into his life but he is working on it. He has since asked me for forgiveness, removed her from facebook and cancelled the flowers. He said they built a friendship during that time and she abruptly stop talking to him without a good bye or explanation. He needed closure. I know he is faithful to me. I'm just disappointed because I now realize he doesn't trust me yet with his feelings and emotions. We are going to work it out. I think you are doing the right thing here. I totally get his feeling connected to her and needing closure from that. You guys hang in there and keep the good communication up. Blessings to you! 1
Author beautifulinside2 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Posted February 4, 2015 Don't move in with him until this is all worked out. You need to work on your issues of distrust, too. I agree. My past situations with guys cheating on me caused this but it also helped me to recognize the signs. You both have work to do before your relationship is healthy enough to support the two of you cohabitating. What has he said about you snooping in his email and on his Facebook account? He said he didn't like it but he understands and we shouldn't have anything to hide from each other. We have each other's passwords but that doesn't mean we shouldn't have privacy. You both have successfully kneecapped your relationship with this incident--that's going to take some time to heal before it can fully support the weight of your relationship. Yes it will take some time but I know he is sorry. he says he hopes this makes our relationship stronger
kendahke Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 He said no our relationship was fine is just his hesitance after the divorce. This has to be completely gone from his mind for your relationship to stand any chance of surviving. Either there hasn't been enough time for him to have worked out his issues and he's using you (or that other woman) as a distraction to keep from processing his feelings or he doesn't fully trust you yet with his heart. Neither of those are a good starting point for living together. don't confuse his wanting a warm body in the bed with him every night as the same thing as him being emotionally healthy and ready to pursue a new path with you. 2
kendahke Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I totally get his feeling connected to her and needing closure from that. Hmm... what I don't get is this: He has since asked me for forgiveness, removed her from facebook and cancelled the flowers. OP--if you hadn't busted him, or if this happened 2 weeks from now, flowers were going to be going out to her in 10 days and he'd still be stalking her facebook page. I'm just sayin'... I'd have much more hope of this if he had done it of his own volition--if he'd have already cleaned up this mess before inviting you into it and hoping you'd never figure things out. Playing damage control after the fact is completely different than already being of resolute mind that you were his way forward. If you're content with the tack he's taking, then I wish you all happiness and success.
Author beautifulinside2 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Posted February 4, 2015 (edited) The explanation may be he began seeing you at the same time he was involved with her. The pictures up on Facebook being what caused her to vanish on him without a word. And frankly, he didn't need a word if he has you and is making his relationship with you public on social media. That pretty much tells the world where his focus lies now, no? Hmm this is an interesting thought that also crossed my mind. I asked him when was the last time he saw her and he said 2 months before he met me and talked to her around the same time he met me. Said the situation was not realistic for a long term relationship but they appreciated each other because they were both going through the same thing with their partners. i think now he did start seeing me and she found out via facebook or maybe driving past his house and seeing my car there. The flowers could have been to apologize to her about how it happened. I don't know. I'm not content but I realize people make mistakes, and Although I have been 100% honest with him there were times in the past I was not even though I really cared for the person. he treats me amazing and is very apologetic even checked on me multiple times already today. Edited February 4, 2015 by beautifulinside2 2
Gaeta Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I don't know dear. He saw her last 8 months ago and last spoke to her 6 months ago, and she is still in his mind enough for him check her out of FB and to have flowers delivered. I mean who has flowers delivered to a woman they did not spoke to in 6 months? I wonder what he had asked to put on the card with the flowers. 2
elaine567 Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 The problems I see. 1. Just because he was cheated on, doesn't mean he is not a cheater and incapable of cheating. 2. Why was he on her fb page daily? 3. They had a relationship, supposedly over, why send her long stemmed roses for Valentine's day, of all days? - is she now his mistress? You have to consider this as a possibility. They were both cheated on; sometimes BSs embark on their own voyages of discovery. 4. According to your other thread, he is a bit hypersexual 2x daily, regular as clockwork, and he didn't listen when you brought it up as something of an issue. You see him 5 days a week how does he manage for the other two days? Genuine question. 5. Long marriage, gut wrenching cheating and divorce. Is your relationship just a rebound for him? Got to be considered by you. 6. Being divorced messes people up, add on being cheated on messes people up further; be very careful here. I hope I am wrong here, but keep your eyes wide open. You seem to have some gut feelings about this relationship; sometimes it pays to listen to your gut, whatever your heart may say. 1
mightycpa Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I buy his story... it is totally plausible. They collaborated in the demise of their respective marriages. They probably communicated in secret, maybe daily, to compare notes, absences, stories, etc. Maybe they met in person just to see who they were dealing with, and then hooked up because of revenge, horniness, loneliness, bonding, who knows? After, they figure out that it is too weird, maybe no spark, maybe like a brother-sister bond they violated. Whatever, it was short-lived. They probably created some kind of bond with each other. So now she's his pal, and he treats her like that. He likes her posts, but he doesn't hide his life from her. He may very well feel badly for her, and he decided to do the nice thing and send her flowers. I'd ask if that's in or out of character for him. To address why he didn't tell you, I can see one of two reasons. #1 - She's an FWB in the complete sense of the word. It's ok with her if he has a live in GF, and things are strictly physical, and maybe infrequent. #2 - He developed a way of communicating with his wife, and he'd never tell her that he sent another woman flowers. 27 years of this kind of thinking is pretty hard-wired, and so he didn't tell you LITERALLY because he didn't know how to tell you, and it was easier to lie by omission, especially because from his point of view, it was innocent. No romance attached. As one poster astutely pointed out, if he wanted to be with her, he would be. He's too old to play these kinds of games, and given what just happened to her, she's probably not going to play along with him cheating on his GF. I'd have a talk regarding truthful communications, full disclosure, etc. and leave it at that. 5
GemmaUK Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 He is talking of moving in in the next 3 months? 27 years of marriage, 16 months of being out of that marriage. Moving in so quick bothers me more than a flower sent to someone who he shared bad times with. She is now out of the picture but I would still not be cool with moving in together so fast. Just my opinion.
beach Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 He has issues to resolve first. Did he ever have sex with the other gal?
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