SG19765 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Ok guys, long story short. In the beginning I was a little judgemental, due to a bad past experience, which could have lead to this. I'm dating a girl that is a bit younger than me. She has had 2 prior long term relationships and dated 1 guy for six months. She seems to have a weird hangup with the last guy she dated because she slept with him after the six months, caught him fooling around and left him. Her hang up seems to be that because it wasn't a long term committed relationship that she was some sort of booty call or friends with benefits. First off I told her no guys looking for friends with benefits takes a girl out on dates and drops money for six months with no sex in return. Second off I told her he is a fool to leave a girl who would wait six months to sleep with him for a girl who would screw around. I also told her she got played and to get over it and to stop telling people she was his booty call because it makes he look bad and she is degrading herself because thats not what it was. The guy got caught playing the field and tried to cover his ass by saying he thought it was just casual and he lead her on to believe it was going to be something more. This **** happens. Honestly I don't know to many people at all who wait six months these days. She seems to be hung up on this like it makes he a whore because they weren't in an LTR. It's just beginning to hit my nerves because her views on sex are either way to conservative (and I've always considered myself a little conservative) for me or just way to childish. Maybe she's insecure? How exactly do I go about handling this? I told her the other day to grow the hell up which I think was a little harsh.
The Mighty Quinn Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 You are dating someone younger then you and you're complaining about them not being as mature as you? That backwards. Plus, what does it say about your own maturity that you are dating a younger girl? She clearly was hurt by her last relationship. You yelling at her and telling her to get over it or grow up is only going to teach her that she can not share her emotions with you or be honest about her needs with you. You either respect her or you don't. And by "respect", I mean that you allow her to have her own thoughts and ideas of things even when you don't agree, but you give her the space to be who she is without trying to conform her to your train of thought. You will agree on somethings regarding sex and other things you won't. You have to be mature and confident enough to allow her the space to express what she is feeling and her own ideas about sex. And if you truly believe this is a case of maturity, her maturity vs yours, then you need to rethink why you picked someone you believe to be immature to begin with. 5
oldshirt Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 You are trying to rationalize a woman into changing her feelings using logic and facts - STOP THAT! That is a game that can never be won. It can't be done. 2
Author SG19765 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 You are dating someone younger then you and you're complaining about them not being as mature as you? That backwards. Plus, what does it say about your own maturity that you are dating a younger girl? She clearly was hurt by her last relationship. You yelling at her and telling her to get over it or grow up is only going to teach her that she can not share her emotions with you or be honest about her needs with you. You either respect her or you don't. And by "respect", I mean that you allow her to have her own thoughts and ideas of things even when you don't agree, but you give her the space to be who she is without trying to conform her to your train of thought. You will agree on somethings regarding sex and other things you won't. You have to be mature and confident enough to allow her the space to express what she is feeling and her own ideas about sex. And if you truly believe this is a case of maturity, her maturity vs yours, then you need to rethink why you picked someone you believe to be immature to begin with. It makes me mad because she insists that she was a bad girl because of it. I guess that is what annoyed me because she's really not. I get mad because she is putting herself down because she fell for an *******. I could have reacted better. I sat and explained to her because they dated and had sex and it didn't develop into a relationship because the guy was playing the field, that it's not her fault. I guess I could have worded it nicer. I honestly wish there were more women out there who waited 6 months before putting out.
stillafool Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Well break up with her if sex is what you need and want.
oldshirt Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 And I think you are making this into something bigger and more complex than what it is. I think it's just a scorned women who was hurt and this is just her way lashing at him. It's simply sour grapes. There are divorced women who were married for years and have several kids that claim their ex husband just wanted sex and that they were just a 10 year booty call with a house mortgage and two car payments and joint credit cards and joint bank accounts and investments etc etc This is simply a girl bitching about an ex BF. stay out of it and the next time she starts bitching about it again ask her if she'd rather go for ice cream or a doughnut shop.
Author SG19765 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 And I think you are making this into something bigger and more complex than what it is. I think it's just a scorned women who was hurt and this is just her way lashing at him. It's simply sour grapes. There are divorced women who were married for years and have several kids that claim their ex husband just wanted sex and that they were just a 10 year booty call with a house mortgage and two car payments and joint credit cards and joint bank accounts and investments etc etc This is simply a girl bitching about an ex BF. stay out of it and the next time she starts bitching about it again ask her if she'd rather go for ice cream or a doughnut shop. At least you get it. It annoys me because she insists that going out on dates is not dating. She thinks dating is a serious long term relationship. I don't get this logic. I also don't get were she doesn't understand that people have sex while dating and not in a LTR. It happens. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. It's the craziest hangup i've ever dealt with. I think sexually she is kind of immature. I shouldn't say all around.
whichwayisup Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I told her the other day to grow the hell up which I think was a little harsh. Yes, extremely harsh. She is younger than you and has had a few bad experiences and you've or more less made her feel worse about it and treated her poorly as well. Either accept that she has some hang ups and help her through it by proving to her that you're a compassionate and kind man who will treat her with love, patience and respect, or end it with her if you can't handle it. 2
angel.eyes Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Sorry, but you're the immature one. You either accept that she is entitled to her views and accept those or you move on. Telling her to "grow the hell up" because she's more cautious after a bad experience and you can't get what you want immediately is about as childish and immature as it gets. 2
The Mighty Quinn Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 You are trying to rationalize a woman into changing her feelings using logic and facts - STOP THAT! That is a game that can never be won. It can't be done. To believe that, you need to believe that at all times men are nothing bot rationale and factual and that women are nothing but emotional and feeling. The more realistic truth is that men and women all operate out of a combination of facts, logic, emotions and feelings. It's the rason why the OP yelled at her for no reason at all other then he was frustrated by her. Please stop perpetuating myths that men are nothing but rationale and women aren't. It's so 1950s of you. 2
Author SG19765 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Sorry, but you're the immature one. You either accept that she is entitled to her views and accept those or you move on. Telling her to "grow the hell up" because she's more cautious after a bad experience and you can't get what you want immediately is about as childish and immature as it gets. We have a great sex life and relationship. It's not that. What annoyed me was the fact that she was considering herself a bad girl for sleeping with a guy after 6 months of going on dates and pretty much degrading herself. I did over react and apologize. I just don't understand why she would put herself down because she dated an *******. You guys are right though I was harsh. I just don't see it as bad at all, actually honorable waiting for a long time. Even the guy didn't have her best interest in mind.
Satu Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 You should deal with your 'annoyance' in your own time. She doesn't need it, and won't benefit from it. Take responsibility for your feelings. Nobody has made you feel the way you feel. You feel the way you feel because of who you are. Think about that. 1
preraph Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I think your advice to her on this is good. She is a little unrealistic, probably due to her age. Young women tend to believe in "the fairytale," that there's one right guy and they're meant to find each other and live "happily ever after." It takes an event such as she's been through to burst that beautiful bubble, but I want to emphasize that this is one of the most painful bubbles young women have to burst. It completely changes how you thought about life and love. She probably has an ideal plan in her head how things would go for many years. And now she feels she is discarded. At this point, she is unable to enjoy the good memories and accept it wasn't perfect and move on. She probably will be a bit dicey to be with through all this. Remember, this is why age gaps DO count, particularly if you're talking about anyone under mid-twenties. This turned her world upside down, but to you it was inevitable because 1) you're a guy and 2) you're older and wiser. As far as the FWB, if you read this forum for any length of time, you'll find that MOST young women mistake FWB for a relationship that is going to lead to them making the guy fall in love with them. They have no clue. And some of them really have no concept at all of what it means when a man says he wants FWB, no clue. She's young and naive. Please tread lightly. She's got to process this. The only other thing I'd tell her is that while there are many cheaters and liars out there just wanting sex, there's also a few who have good intentions but things just don't gel the way they hoped they would, and that you have to find some room in your heart to accommodate that we are all imperfect beings. 1
Author SG19765 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) I think your advice to her on this is good. She is a little unrealistic, probably due to her age. Young women tend to believe in "the fairytale," that there's one right guy and they're meant to find each other and live "happily ever after." It takes an event such as she's been through to burst that beautiful bubble, but I want to emphasize that this is one of the most painful bubbles young women have to burst. It completely changes how you thought about life and love. She probably has an ideal plan in her head how things would go for many years. And now she feels she is discarded. At this point, she is unable to enjoy the good memories and accept it wasn't perfect and move on. She probably will be a bit dicey to be with through all this. Remember, this is why age gaps DO count, particularly if you're talking about anyone under mid-twenties. This turned her world upside down, but to you it was inevitable because 1) you're a guy and 2) you're older and wiser. As far as the FWB, if you read this forum for any length of time, you'll find that MOST young women mistake FWB for a relationship that is going to lead to them making the guy fall in love with them. They have no clue. And some of them really have no concept at all of what it means when a man says he wants FWB, no clue. She's young and naive. Please tread lightly. She's got to process this. The only other thing I'd tell her is that while there are many cheaters and liars out there just wanting sex, there's also a few who have good intentions but things just don't gel the way they hoped they would, and that you have to find some room in your heart to accommodate that we are all imperfect beings. The thing is she told me the person led her to believe that dating would turn into a relationship, which I think is a bum trait and not being a player, leading her on which I think leads to this insecurity. I think everyone, men and women have all dated *******s. I'm not dumb and have been around in life. I've also been the ******* with women. She truly believes that everyone has the best intentions, which I constantly tell her is not true. You can give people the benefit of the doubt but you can't be so naive to believe everyone just wants to love you, see you succeed, see you at your best. She's in her mid 20's now. Like i said I just feel she's being a little hard on herself considering they were going on dates for six months and the sex lasted about a week. I wouldn't exactly call that a booty call or FWB's. Just sounds like a tough luck situation. Edited February 3, 2015 by SG19765
preraph Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 ^ Due to her inexperience, even at 25, she is as naive as a teenager. She probably thinks if she loves someone that it's predestined they love her back. She probably thinks she can fix a man by loving him. She gives them all the benefit of the doubt. Honestly, this is why so many players prey on the youngest women, because they don't heed the red flags because they're too inexperienced to yet.
oldshirt Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Everyone bitches about their Ex's. Everyone thinks that the reason their ex dumped them or cheated on them or took the last piece of pie was wrong. This is just a gal bitching about her ex and feeling duped because he cheated on her and the relationship didn't work out. I can cite examples of about 100 million other women bitching about the same thing and I can cite about 100 million examples of men whining about their ex GF being a cheating ho. You have a couple options here. When she starts buttbleeding about her ex using her for sex, you can tune her out by focusing on the football and occasionally nod your head and say "mmm hmmm" between plays like every other guy on the planet. Or you can tell her you can't help her with her ex and offer to take her to see Fifty Shades of Grey, and to please stop talking about ex BFs around you. Or you can chalk this up as a red flag that you two have differing views on the roles of relationships and sexuality etc and you can make an issue of it untill you do split up. But you can't win this one. You can't change how she feels by sharing your philosophies on relationships and what constitutes a relationship vs a booty call. If she can't let this go and can't stop the bleeding out her jay-jay for this ex, then maybe it's too soon for her to be in another relationship yet and it would be best to throw her back and let her grow up a little. And if you can't get past it, then maybe you should do yourself a favor and just walk away and call it quits yourself to save yourself the aggravation. 2
autumnnight Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 ^ Due to her inexperience, even at 25, she is as naive as a teenager. She probably thinks if she loves someone that it's predestined they love her back. She probably thinks she can fix a man by loving him. She gives them all the benefit of the doubt. Honestly, this is why so many players prey on the youngest women, because they don't heed the red flags because they're too inexperienced to yet. Wow, mind read much? OP, let it go. 1
pteromom Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 stop telling people she was his booty call because it makes he look bad and she is degrading herself because thats not what it was. How about YOU stop telling her what she feels and how to define her last relationship? She was there - you weren't. It's also possible she is redefining it to keep it from hurting. Either way, it is her story to tell. Perhaps you feel like you will be judged for being involved with a "bad girl"? Maybe this has more to do with you than with her? Either way, you need to move past it and learn to accept it - or break it off. 1
Author SG19765 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) How about YOU stop telling her what she feels and how to define her last relationship? She was there - you weren't. It's also possible she is redefining it to keep it from hurting. Either way, it is her story to tell. Perhaps you feel like you will be judged for being involved with a "bad girl"? Maybe this has more to do with you than with her? Either way, you need to move past it and learn to accept it - or break it off. She's not a bad girl, actually she is one of the best girls I've ever met. She just started hitting my nerves about it because she told me the same **** 6 months ago. She needs to let it rest. I wasn't there. I don't know. She explained it to me the first time and it didn't sound at all like a booty call or fwb and sure didn't this time either. I'm just going to ignore it anymore. Edited February 3, 2015 by SG19765
spiderowl Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 This sounds very much like a common theme I've seen on relationship forums - the 'she was stupid to be so naive as to believe a guy would love her'. I wonder if people fear being thought naive so much that they have to condemn those who are truly loving and assume the other person is acting in their interests too. It's a bit like those who condemn the victims of scammers as 'suckers' or stupid. What about the scammers? It's uncomfortable to see someone hurting because they were taken advantage of or trusted someone to have the same behavioural standards as their own. Maybe that's why it's easier to get angry with them for being naive. Do you want to date a lovely, trusting girl or a hardened, insensitive wordly girl? The former will learn from experience; the latter is likely to stay insensitive. I can imagine it does get irritating that she's putting herself down when you don't believe she should. It is not going to build her confidence if you criticise her though. Something to think about is, if she's putting herself down (devaluing herself, in your own words), then by default that devalues you (the guy who goes out with such a girl). Are you sure this is not what's bothering you more? 2
autumnnight Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 This sounds very much like a common theme I've seen on relationship forums - the 'she was stupid to be so naive as to believe a guy would love her'. I wonder if people fear being thought naive so much that they have to condemn those who are truly loving and assume the other person is acting in their interests too. It's a bit like those who condemn the victims of scammers as 'suckers' or stupid. What about the scammers? It's uncomfortable to see someone hurting because they were taken advantage of or trusted someone to have the same behavioural standards as their own. Maybe that's why it's easier to get angry with them for being naive. Do you want to date a lovely, trusting girl or a hardened, insensitive wordly girl? The former will learn from experience; the latter is likely to stay insensitive. I can imagine it does get irritating that she's putting herself down when you don't believe she should. It is not going to build her confidence if you criticise her though. Something to think about is, if she's putting herself down (devaluing herself, in your own words), then by default that devalues you (the guy who goes out with such a girl). Are you sure this is not what's bothering you more? I gotta say, I agree with a lot of this. I had no idea so many jaded, doomsaying, past-fixated people existed until I went on the internet.
ascendotum Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 At least you get it. It annoys me because she insists that going out on dates is not dating. She thinks dating is a serious long term relationship. I don't get this logic. I also don't get were she doesn't understand that people have sex while dating and not in a LTR. It happens. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. It's the craziest hangup i've ever dealt with. I think sexually she is kind of immature. I shouldn't say all around. I agree with oldshirt's psots. I get why her attitude is annoying you, but I guess its a little more than just a few conversations you had and that her attitude to her last relationship is playing into her behavior with you. Is this right?
angel.eyes Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 "I'm sorry you were so hurt by what happened. But thankfully that's in your past now. Why don't we focus on us now, on our relationship and the present. I don't think it's helping us as a couple to dwell continually on your ex when he's no longer part of your life. It's preventing you from enjoying what you now have." Sympathetic support, acknowledge her pain and how terrible she feels, and then you steer the conversation in a more mutually agreeable direction. That's how someone who genuinely cares about her but who would prefer not to spend time dissecting the ex' behavior might respond. Much better, than: "Grow the hell up," ridiculing her feelings, and demanding that she see her personal experiences as you see them. That simply prompts most people to try and make you understand why they're so upset...distraught even, by what happened. Anyway, no one died and made you arbiter of what actions must happen before she can feel used. She got dumped a week after she slept with him. She's entitled to her feelings about the experience. She's not a bad girl, actually she is one of the best girls I've ever met. She just started hitting my nerves about it because she told me the same **** 6 months ago. She needs to let it rest. I wasn't there. I don't know. She explained it to me the first time and it didn't sound at all like a booty call or fwb and sure didn't this time either. I'm just going to ignore it anymore.
preraph Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 She certainly is entitled to her opinions about it and to express them, but I would agree with the OP that if she goes on and on about it repeating herself, it can become a problem. I think maybe he should steer the conversation and tell her he acknowledges it will probably affect her forever, but reassure her not everyone is that way (though a great many are - everyone gets their heartbroken, so it's a lot) and suggest she's only making it worse by playing it over and over. It's good she shared it, but she really needs to have better sense than to make him the one she goes on and on about it with. That's what mothers, shrinks, and best friends are for.
Emilia Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 It sounds to me OP that you are the naive one.... The guy had strung her along for months, probably getting laid on the side and when she put out, he dumped her. It wasn't a relationship, he was simply after sex. I'd say she can see that pretty clearly. If it bothers you that she is cautious, find someone else. Reallly that simple. 1
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