Which attitude is more attractive? Confidence or modesty?

February 3, 2015

Modest confidence is the best.

February 3, 2015

Interesting. I think the second one is more attractive.

I do indeed think most people would think the first is more attractive. I think it's because I grew up in a different (non-western) cultural influence.

I have exactly the same problem. I grew up in a culture that values modesty. Confidence was something people made fun of. It was considered cute if you are a bit shy.

I can compare 2 guys I brought home to meet my parents. Guy no 1 was confident, spoke in a strong voice and knew a lot about every topic under the sun. Guy no 2 was anxious, shy, blushing. My parents loved guy no 2. I suspect that nearly all western parents would prefer guy no 1.

February 3, 2015

I'm curious about this. There seems to be 2 schools of thought here regarding self-confidence and dating prospects. I was wondering which is more attractive to people.

1) I'm very attractive, have a great career, and am fun and interesting.

2) I'm not all that special looking, my career is so-so, I could work on being more interesting.

Because I see so much of the first attitude, it seems to me that's what people prefer. I am not judging BTW, I am just interested in how people tick.

I mean let's be honest. If you look like Brad Pitt, are a anesthesiologist and make 300K a year, it doesn't matter if you think you are ugly and unsuccessful. And vice versa.

Confidence, IMO, has nothing to do with attitude. Arrogance does.

Modesty is not mutually exclusive from confidence. You can be confident and humble.

Confidence has more to do with how one carries themselves and being comfortable in their judgment. A confident person isn't arrogant: and insecure person is arrogant.

February 3, 2015

Modesty & confidence are not mutually exclusive. I am confident but I don't go around telling people how great I am because I am also modest.

The 2nd example you gave wasn't modesty. It was wimpiness or false modesty.

February 3, 2015

Confidence is far more attractive. Modesty can make you invisible and even unapproachable. I don't even mind arrogance in people as long as it's based in fact. People should be proud of themselves and show it. Both men and women say confidence is everything in sexual attraction.

February 3, 2015

I wouldn't like #2, and would wonder why he's so down on himself.

#1 isn't ideal, but preferable. At least he's got some life in him. I need to feel some energy coming from a guy to be interested.

February 3, 2015

Your #1 and #2 are not confidence and modesty descriptions so I can't choose either if the question alludes to the title. Sorry OP.

February 3, 2015

1) I'm very attractive, have a great career, and am fun and interesting.

2) I'm not all that special looking, my career is so-so, I could work on being more interesting.

#1 seems arrogant, and #2 seems to have low self-esteem. Both are expressions of ego. #1 says "I'm superior." #2 says "I'm inferior." Any time you're telling yourself you're better or worse than anyone, it's your ego talking.

In the US, confidence and bravado are highly favored over modesty and humility. The book "Quiet" discusses the emergence of the "extrovert ideal" in 20th century America.

I prefer a quiet/modest confidence that says: "I'm fine the way I am, happiness is a state of mind, life is good."

February 3, 2015

I think a combination of confident and modest is what's most attractive. In general, act mostly confident and speak mostly modestly.

February 3, 2015

Well-rounded people are usually both confident and modest. They also don't walk around acting like they have anything to prove to anyone. They also aren't people-pleasers.

Also OP, your #1 is not a good example of confidence, and #2 seems like a person who dislikes himself, which is very different than modesty.

Someone who holds his head high, appears to be at total peace/calm with himself and doesn't try too hard to be "awesome" or "the man" is a better example of confidence and modesty. The truly confident guy in the room may actually be on the quiet side...although he will calmly step up and take the lead when needed. Others (both women and men) feel at ease around him.

Lastly, a modest person can still be full of life and energy.

February 3, 2015

I'm curious about this. There seems to be 2 schools of thought here regarding self-confidence and dating prospects. I was wondering which is more attractive to people.

1) I'm very attractive, have a great career, and am fun and interesting.

2) I'm not all that special looking, my career is so-so, I could work on being more interesting.

#1 is more attractive, but it depends on how it is conveyed. If he has to go around letting everyone know that he is amazing all the time, that would be very unattractive. Or, if he likes to make other people feel inferior and makes digs to do so.

But if someone is attractive, fun, interesting, and successful, and is also good at making everyone around them feel that way about themselves too - that is the most attractive thing of all. And that is why people are often attracted to "confident" people - because TRULY confident (not arrogant) people know that we all have worth and treat others as such.

#2 sounds like someone I would be trying to help.

February 3, 2015

I find it unattractive when people try and downplay clearly very impressive (and very average haha) accomplishments. If you're managed to become a surgeon, own it. If you got your paper published, be proud of it. If your shirt looks amazing and I compliment you on it, thank me for my compliment, don't say 'what!? I look awful tonight'. If I saw you have gorgeous hair, thank me instead of telling me 'no, I don't'. It smacks of really low self-esteem, whereas some people seem to think that is modesty!

You can be both confident and modest. Confident is accepting a compliment, and not being afraid to take a risk on something you know from past experience and from your own character/ability you can probably pull off, modesty is not feeling like you have to go around bragging about yourself all of the time, it's trusting others to realise your value in their own time instead of giong on to anyone who'll listen about whatever you've achieved.

If you can only be one or the other you're doing personality wrong.

February 3, 2015

modesty.

modesty is associated with other words like humble, kind, quiet, considerate, etc.

confidence is associated with arrogance, ego, bully, braggart, headstrong, etc.

in a dating situation i'd rather be around a modest type and someone who knows who they are without the need to brag on it. you should be able to wow someone with your character and not your accomplishments.

February 3, 2015

You can be confident and modest at the same time. I would prefer a man who has both: he knows his worth but doesn't go around bragging about it, nor cares to show it off because he doesn't have to prove anything to anyone, but he can do what he has to do when the time comes.

February 3, 2015

I'm curious about this. There seems to be 2 schools of thought here regarding self-confidence and dating prospects. I was wondering which is more attractive to people.

1) I'm very attractive, have a great career, and am fun and interesting.

2) I'm not all that special looking, my career is so-so, I could work on being more interesting.

Because I see so much of the first attitude, it seems to me that's what people prefer. I am not judging BTW, I am just interested in how people tick.

I mean let's be honest. If you look like Brad Pitt, are a anesthesiologist and make 300K a year, it doesn't matter if you think you are ugly and unsuccessful. And vice versa.

Number 1 may border on arrogance to some (I see it as very confident, nothing wrong with that), but number 2 definitely comes across as lacking in self esteem. I'd find that problematic.

So I'd choose Number 1.

February 3, 2015

1) I'm very attractive, have a great career, and am fun and interesting.

2) I'm not all that special looking, my career is so-so, I could work on being more interesting.

The consensus seems to be that #1 is so-so but preferable but that #2 is a TOTAL freakin loser.

I find that very interesting. I don't see self deprecation at all. You're basically saying:

1) I'm OK looking but nothing special.

2) My job is OK, but not great (a lot of people don't love their jobs).

3) I have some things, but you know everybody can work on themselves.

That's what I read out of it. Everybody else reads LOSER! Ha. Very interesting.

I think the results are very, very interesting and may even influence the way I do things.

February 3, 2015

for me a healthy balance.....i dislike arrogance....but being confident isnt arrogance...confident in who you are and what you do ...but modest in your dealings with others....true leaders are modest....firm ...confident.....never arrogant and always are able to get down in the trenches and go the hard yards...it is not beneath them to be part of a team or a ....couple...they relish it....deb

February 3, 2015

I have exactly the same problem. I grew up in a culture that values modesty. Confidence was something people made fun of. It was considered cute if you are a bit shy.

I can compare 2 guys I brought home to meet my parents. Guy no 1 was confident, spoke in a strong voice and knew a lot about every topic under the sun. Guy no 2 was anxious, shy, blushing. My parents loved guy no 2. I suspect that nearly all western parents would prefer guy no 1.

In my 'home' culture, we don't compliment ourselves and our children.

I think a parent would say something like "My son is not that handsome, kind of lazy, not too smart."

I think a westerner would be more like "My son is very handsome, ambitious, and sharp as a tack. He's really a special guy."

Of course, I was born here, but it was a strong imprint.

I think it really it is a big difference. It is also very interesting to hear how people perceive others based on how they perceive themselves. I don' think that's too great to dislike people who are 'less confident' per se, but I've heard more than enough evidence to know that people overwhelming attracted to confidence.

Edited February 3, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

February 3, 2015

Firstly, LoveRefreshed already had it 100% right so tough following that one .

Number 1 seems awfully sure of themselves, Overconfident in their own self-assessment but creates some level of intrigue.

Number 2 doesn't seem to find that balance either. Sounds way too self-deprecating even if unintended. I've done the whole "I'm not all that, I could do this, etc" but that only draws sympathy and in worse cases disdain, not attraction or intrigue. Number 2 may not have made themselves sound like complete and utter losers, but they made themselves sound very mediocre and that's just as bad, if not worst. You don't have to be all out there like number 1, but you definitely don't wanna be like number 2. If you're fortunate you might find someone who's into that, but they're probably fewer than those who want someone a tad less mediocre.

Now here's the thing: Modesty and confidence are not mutually exclusive and I don't know why people think it is. People seem to conflate confidence with arrogance and assume that you cannot be confident and have humility at the same time. It's a very black-and-white way of viewing people. So while number 2 might think they're doing themselves a favor by being overly modest, it can also come across as self-pity rather than just an objective assessment of oneself. Shyness and reservedness don't hurt much, as long a that's all it is.

That's why number 1 will seem more attractive, even if they come off as arrogant initially. But the simple fact is confidence and modesty can coexist in a person, and while some people make confidence work without it, they are certainly not mutually exclusive. As to which one is attractive? Well, Number 1 wins by default, simply because number 2 goes beyond modesty and drifts into self-deprecation territory. But both statements I would say are exaggerated to the point of extremism, and don't necessarily represent confidence and modesty as character traits anyway. A more interesting question would have been "what's more attractive? Arrogance or Self-deprecation?".

February 3, 2015

2) I'm not all that special looking, my career is so-so, I could work on being more interesting.

Of course "interesting" is a rather subjective term, so why work on it?

February 3, 2015

Firstly, LoveRefreshed already had it 100% right so tough following that one .

Number 1 seems awfully sure of themselves, Overconfident in their own self-assessment but creates some level of intrigue.

Number 2 doesn't seem to find that balance either. Sounds way too self-deprecating even if unintended. I've done the whole "I'm not all that, I could do this, etc" but that only draws sympathy and in worse cases disdain, not attraction or intrigue. Number 2 may not have made themselves sound like complete and utter losers, but they made themselves sound very mediocre and that's just as bad, if not worst. You don't have to be all out there like number 1, but you definitely don't wanna be like number 2. If you're fortunate you might find someone who's into that, but they're probably fewer than those who want someone a tad less mediocre.

Now here's the thing: Modesty and confidence are not mutually exclusive and I don't know why people think it is. People seem to conflate confidence with arrogance and assume that you cannot be confident and have humility at the same time. It's a very black-and-white way of viewing people. So while number 2 might think they're doing themselves a favor by being overly modest, it can also come across as self-pity rather than just an objective assessment of oneself. Shyness and reservedness don't hurt much, as long a that's all it is.

That's why number 1 will seem more attractive, even if they come off as arrogant initially. But the simple fact is confidence and modesty can coexist in a person, and while some people make confidence work without it, they are certainly not mutually exclusive. As to which one is attractive? Well, Number 1 wins by default, simply because number 2 goes beyond modesty and drifts into self-deprecation territory. But both statements I would say are exaggerated to the point of extremism, and don't necessarily represent confidence and modesty as character traits anyway. A more interesting question would have been "what's more attractive? Arrogance or Self-deprecation?".

Well, that's why I try and get viewpoints.

It's interesting that almost everybody thinks that #2 is a total self deprecating loser (that IS the consensus). I tried to go for medium. If I wanted to do self-deprecating loser, I would have said:

2) "Eh. I'm not attractive, my career sucks, and I'm kinda boring."

But I find it interesting that people view MY medium as someone who is depressed, loserish, and even needs help.

Edited February 3, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

February 3, 2015

Well, that's why I try and get viewpoints.

It's interesting that almost everybody thinks that #2 is a total self deprecating loser (that IS the consensus). I tried to go for medium. If I wanted to do self-deprecating loser, I would have said:

2) "Eh. I'm not attractive, my career sucks, and I'm kinda boring."

But I find it interesting that people view MY medium as someone who is depressed, loserish, and even needs help.

I find it just as interesting that you think that "my career is so-so, I'm not that attractive, I could do better" is medium! Only the final statement about "doing better" is remotely upbeat. The rest just sounds mediocre. And mediocre might aswell be "total self-deprecating loser", it amounts to the same value to most people.

"I'm not attractive, my career sucks and I'm kinda boring" is even more hyperbolic, granted. Number 2 might not be depressed, but they certainly need help talking about themselves . I get it, I used to sound like number 2 as a teen, then I stopped that.

February 3, 2015

I find it just as interesting that you think that "my career is so-so, I'm not that attractive, I could do better" is medium! Only the final statement about "doing better" is remotely upbeat. The rest just sounds mediocre. And mediocre might aswell be "total self-deprecating loser", it amounts to the same value to most people.

"I'm not attractive, my career sucks and I'm kinda boring" is even more hyperbolic, granted. Number 2 might not be depressed, but they certainly need help talking about themselves . I get it, I used to sound like number 2 as a teen, then I stopped that.

Agreed....What exactly were you hoping to get from a two polar opposite comparison?

February 3, 2015

I'm not basing this on the examples in the first post, as I think they're not quite the best examples for confidence or modesty...

But all in all, I find modesty very attractive.

I have a coworker who I am very attracted to because of his personality.

Very modest, exceptionally polite, levelheaded, kind, smart, gentlemanly. Never wants to make a person feel badly, no matter who they are.

He is very skilled at what he does and is a ridiculously valuable asset to the company.

He knows all of this. He's a smart man. But he doesn't say these things. He plays it off. When others struggle to do what he can do and make mistakes he would never make, he'd say "I'm only good at this because Ive been doing it for a very long time. Trust me, I made the same mistakes and worse when I was starting out."

He downplays himself and tries to bring others up. Exceptionally humble.

I find him to be an incredibly attractive person.

February 3, 2015

I'm not basing this on the examples in the first post, as I think they're not quite the best examples for confidence or modesty...

But all in all, I find modesty very attractive.

I have a coworker who I am very attracted to because of his personality.

Very modest, exceptionally polite, levelheaded, kind, smart, gentlemanly. Never wants to make a person feel badly, no matter who they are.

He is very skilled at what he does and is a ridiculously valuable asset to the company.

He knows all of this. He's a smart man. But he doesn't say these things. He plays it off. When others struggle to do what he can do and make mistakes he would never make, he'd say "I'm only good at this because Ive been doing it for a very long time. Trust me, I made the same mistakes and worse when I was starting out."

He downplays himself and tries to bring others up. Exceptionally humble.

I find him to be an incredibly attractive person.

So then, phrase it how you would say it.

-Looks

-Career

-How interesting are you?

Somebody asks you. One sentence.

I value your opinion especially

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Which attitude is more attractive? Confidence or modesty?

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