JuneJulySeptember Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I'm curious about this. There seems to be 2 schools of thought here regarding self-confidence and dating prospects. I was wondering which is more attractive to people. 1) I'm very attractive, have a great career, and am fun and interesting. 2) I'm not all that special looking, my career is so-so, I could work on being more interesting. Because I see so much of the first attitude, it seems to me that's what people prefer. I am not judging BTW, I am just interested in how people tick. I mean let's be honest. If you look like Brad Pitt, are a anesthesiologist and make 300K a year, it doesn't matter if you think you are ugly and unsuccessful. And vice versa.
LoveRefreshed Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 They are different things. The opposite of confident is not modesty, but unconfident. The opposite of modest is arrogant. Confidence is believing in yourself, not needing external validation, and how you carry yourself. It is knowing you can get something done, stepping up when it needs to be done, and not being in fear. Confident people usually walk around with great posture and look people in the eye. Modesty is how vocal you are about these things. If you need to go around bragging how good you are at something, it just means you are insecure and need external validation. I tend to think the most confident people are indeed also the most modest. So I think it is good to be both when it comes to dating. 25
gaius Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 The second sounds more like depression rather than modesty. Confidence/cockiness works well if you can back it up, but if you can't it becomes pretty unattractive. Overall just someone who is comfortable with and shame free about who they are tends to be the most attractive though. 4
amaysngrace Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Ideally a healthy dose of humility mixed with confidence is best because it's...erm...healthy? Cockiness and self loathing are not attractive traits in a person. 6
Emilia Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 They are different things. The opposite of confident is not modesty, but unconfident. The opposite of modest is arrogant. Confidence is believing in yourself, not needing external validation, and how you carry yourself. It is knowing you can get something done, stepping up when it needs to be done, and not being in fear. Confident people usually walk around with great posture and look people in the eye. Modesty is how vocal you are about these things. If you need to go around bragging how good you are at something, it just means you are insecure and need external validation. I tend to think the most confident people are indeed also the most modest. So I think it is good to be both when it comes to dating. ^^ Spot on.
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 The second sounds more like depression rather than modesty. Confidence/cockiness works well if you can back it up, but if you can't it becomes pretty unattractive. Overall just someone who is comfortable with and shame free about who they are tends to be the most attractive though. Interesting. I think the second one is more attractive. I do indeed think most people would think the first is more attractive. I think it's because I grew up in a different (non-western) cultural influence.
Moy Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 For me, confidence is a blend of arrogance that has been tempered with modesty. It's being able to recognise your positive attributes and draw strength from them, yet the modesty and grounding personality attributes stop that confidence from spilling over into arrogance. Modesty on its own has its virtues, but externally it can come across as being too self deprecating and be translated as being down on yourself. 2
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 BTW, the idea of this thread was to PICK ONE.
amaysngrace Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 BTW, the idea of this thread was to PICK ONE. Why settle for mediocrity? Why not get someone more well-rounded? 4
gaius Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Interesting. I think the second one is more attractive. I do indeed think most people would think the first is more attractive. I think it's because I grew up in a different (non-western) cultural influence. The women I'm used to would chew up and spit out a guy who came at them with the second attitude. And probably have sex with his best friend too. 1
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Why settle for mediocrity? Why not get someone more well-rounded? You're totally missing the point. It's an attitude. You can be good looking and modest. One male poster who is divorced with kids gets messages from women regularly and he said to me he is nothing special. That to me is modesty. The women I'm used to would chew up and spit out a guy who came at them with the second attitude. And probably have sex with his best friend too. Yea, thanks for reminding me of how the real world works again.
amaysngrace Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 You're totally missing the point. I'm the one missing the point? Oh really?... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/400490-physically-attractive-people-who-lack-confidence
TouchedByViolet Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I need both confidence and modesty. If I had to choose one modesty, easier to teach confidence and I personally hate arrogance. Your #2 comes off kind of spineless and meek. You can be modest and strong. That combination is attractive to me. 2
LoveRefreshed Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I think you're missing the point about attractiveness. There is so much more than the looks. It is body language, eye contact, speech, movement. All of these things make someone attractive or not. Confidence is very important for attraction. Someone who doesn't think themselves good enough for someone else will give the person that same attitude. I think confidence is more important that modest, but confidence unchecked by modesty becomes arrogance and is a huge turn off as well. Modesty isn't a negative view, it's not modest to think your unattractive. It's modesty to think you're not especially attractive. A modest person doesn't go around bragging about their gifts, they just know that there are people better than them at this gift out there, and better in places where they are untalented. 2
TigerLilly78 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 BTW, the idea of this thread was to PICK ONE. Why would you want such black and white answers only? honestly your OP was a little vauge and came off more as moods then genuine personality traits. The second seemingly coming from a depressed person that wasn't modesty and the first almost coming off as overly cocky not really confidence so if you must only have one answer based off of both of those then I choose nether... 2
Gaeta Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 You example of modesty is inaccurate therefore I cannot pick one. 5
gaius Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 You're totally missing the point. It's an attitude. You can be good looking and modest. One male poster who is divorced with kids gets messages from women regularly and he said to me he is nothing special. That to me is modesty. Yea, thanks for reminding me of how the real world works again. I'm not sure bragging that you get messages from women regularly is really the definition of modesty. Just because you try to be modest afterward. It's an oxymoron almost. And who says he's even telling the truth? You're right about it being more of an attitude thing though. And if your attitude reeks of "My job sucks, I need to improve myself" good luck making a woman wet for you. It's a different thing for women, they're allowed to be insecure, because they're women. But in general a woman comfortable with herself is way sexier as well.
amaysngrace Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 OP you seem a little obsessed with this topic. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/369993-what-contributes-our-ego-self-image So which one are you? Over ego or under ego? Seriously if you haven't figured this out by now you may need some help in striking a balance.
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I really prefer something in between. I don't want a cocky as*hole, but I also don't want a self-deprecating debbie-downer. A guy who feels good about himself and knows he has his sh*t together, but still has his feet on the ground. And for the record, my husband is pretty much your example of a guy for whom this "doesn't matter" (although he is in a different specialty, not anesthesiology), and his attitude absolutely does matter. It was a huge factor in my attraction to him. Could he have still found women to date and settle down with if he had a crap attitude? Sure, but like attracts like. I think you're on to something with your assertion that this is a cultural thing, though. I know that in many eastern cultures, any pride is a cardinal social sin, and no matter how successful a person may be, he/she is expected to downplay it at all times.
elaine567 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Over confidence is unappealing and under confidence is unappealing to most balanced people. However for those who lack confidence an over confident person may be attractive and be seen as a way for them to gain some confidence - it may or may not work... Similarly, under confident people may be attractive to those who want to rescue them, or those who just want a victim... 2
somedude81 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Confidence to the point of being a bit cocky is hugely attractive to women. This should be common sense. Modesty only works when you are hugely successful. When your accomplishment is very obvious. For example when you make a great sale and said that you couldn't do it without your team.
Rejected Rosebud Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 All confidence means is that a person is secure within their own skin and knows how to live true to their own beliefs and go for what they want in life, a confident person can easily be a modest person!! Confidence and arrogance or conceit are not the same thing!! But to answer your first question, of course I would pick the first person, because in the second one you don't say any of the good qualities they have, just what they lack. 1
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) I really prefer something in between. I don't want a cocky as*hole, but I also don't want a self-deprecating debbie-downer. A guy who feels good about himself and knows he has his sh*t together, but still has his feet on the ground. And for the record, my husband is pretty much your example of a guy for whom this "doesn't matter" (although he is in a different specialty, not anesthesiology), and his attitude absolutely does matter. It was a huge factor in my attraction to him. Could he have still found women to date and settle down with if he had a crap attitude? Sure, but like attracts like. I think you're on to something with your assertion that this is a cultural thing, though. I know that in many eastern cultures, any pride is a cardinal social sin, and no matter how successful a person may be, he/she is expected to downplay it at all times. I think the 2nd one is in between. I don't think it's self-deprecating like people say really. Self-deprecating would be like "I'm ugly and I'm a loser." Confidence to the point of being a bit cocky is hugely attractive to women. This should be common sense. Common sense (in my head) would dictate that a guy who has accomplished some things but says that he 'hasn't done much' and a guy who is good looking but says 'he's not that special' would be attractive. But I keep forgetting common sense doesn't apply to human relationships. Edited February 3, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember
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