Toodaloo Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I am more concerned that you are fresh out of a relationship than by the age gap. 13 years is sod all. When my ex older man and I started dating the "I am retiring in 6 months" conversation was an interesting one I can tell you! As for being on the shelf, hate to say it but that could happen anyway even if you get together with someone around your own age... Are you sure you have given yourself enough time between relationships? If you want this to work you need to take your time. 1
Erised Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Saying to "date her just for fun" when that's very much not what the girl expressed she wanted IS however disturbing. OP hasn't expressed that, though. I see nothing wrong with age gaps when she's 20. My ex husband was 11 years older than me. I'm still positive about that relationship even though it didn't workout.
The Mighty Quinn Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I'm not talking about him dating a 17 year old but a 20 year old. She is legal to date at 20. Where did I say use her???? What does it matter if she is 17 or 20 if the advice is to pump and then dump her? You said, " I think you should date her just for fun and move on after a while." It's a less crude way to simply say "pump and dump". 1
stillafool Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 What does it matter if she is 17 or 20 if the advice is to pump and then dump her? You said, " I think you should date her just for fun and move on after a while." It's a less crude way to simply say "pump and dump". She probably isn't going to want to marry him herself. She is attracted to him and wants him, they want each other. I don't know if they are going to get to a point where they want to marry each other, she's only 20 and by 25 she may have a complete change of heart. If they are still in love down the road and want to marry then do, but it's doubtful. I not only think he should date her and have fun but she should do the same. So would you have felt better if I had said "Yes, marry her and live happily after." That's not realistic. Furthermore, who said he was the one doing the "pump and dump" (your language), they've already had sex and she wants some more. 1
OMC Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 TMQ is just pissed off. Most likely her SO cheated with a younger woman, or left her for one. Either that or she feels her moral highground trumps others right to live their life the way they choose. Miserable people delight in spreading their vitriol. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Not sure where about you are from but here in the UK we start going out about 16/17 getting in to clubs and bars with our fake ID's Yup... I started going to clubs at 13, on a school night. Met my fair share of 18 year old guys who I would kiss/whatever, although never actually slept with anyone until I was a year past being legal (I was 17). Don't blame any of the guys, if I'm in a club for over 18s I'm gonna presume the doormen are doing their job right and the patrons are over 18. No foul. OP you have nothing to lose by going for it. Don't put all of your eggs in her basket, so to speak, it's very unlikely to work out long term. I know a guy in his late thirties/early forties who started seriously dating an 18 year old, and while it worked for a couple of years (she lived with him, he had money) it was quite an amusement for all of their friends, her clearly being a teenager and beautiful and him being a much older guy with money. Eventually she wanted to party too much, and ended up leaving him for a guy her own age, but I doubt he minded too much after getting to sleep with a hot 18 year old for two years! I admit, it did put me off him a bit when I almost dated him, to think he was willing to be in a relationship with someone so young and comparatively immature. It made me question his judgement. But as long as you take that stuff into account, you really have nothing to lose right now. Why not see where it goes? 20 and 33 is a big gap at those ages (she's barely getting started on life, and to wish for a marriage/kids as young as 21 makes me question whether or not she even has a clue what that entails, also makes me wonder whether she has a financial plan to support herself and her own career or whether she's just looking to leech off someone else) there's no denying it, but you might just be the exception to the rule.
RedRobin Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Where is her dad, brothers, uncles, etc? My dad would sure as hell be grilling any 33 + something guy up in my grille at that age. The fact that none were mentioned probably points to them being absent... And also the likely reason she is attracted to someone that much older. Just because it is possible doesn't mean it should be done. Love it when the gramps pitch in with their, "I got me a kiddo", stories. Like that is something to brag about. Not. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Where is her dad, brothers, uncles, etc? My dad would sure as hell be grilling any 33 + something guy up in my grille at that age. The fact that none were mentioned probably points to them being absent... And also the likely reason she is attracted to someone that much older. Just because it is possible doesn't mean it should be done. Love it when the gramps pitch in with their, "I got me a kiddo", stories. Like that is something to brag about. Not. My brother and Father were both in my life when I was 17 dating a 23 year old. And when I was 22 dating a 39 year old. I wasn't missing a male authority figure. I just chose not to tell them. You can have a male family member presence in your life and still have some privacy. This woman is 20 now, she's old enough to have her own place, to have her own car, to have a job and to vote. I'm sure she wasn't exactly bragging about it to them when she was 17. 1
RedRobin Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 'Present' perhaps, but not present emotionally. I can't imagine wanting to hide my romantic life from my family. My parents have been married to each other my whole life...most of those years happily...we have never hid anything from each other.
todreaminblue Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 when i was younger i dated older guys...i didnt have a problem with the gap..i agree its about compatibility and maturity of the younger person in the relationship....and unless a relationship causes detriment to one or both people in the relationship...people who count should be supportive....especially if the couple in the relationship are happy being in it....people who point fingers or gossip about it....arent important........deb...
Author Rko28 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Thanks for everyone's views here,I'm certainly hope it hasn't started a huge debate about sexism. Am I ready for a new relationship? Well my last lasted 6 months,the past 2 months it was rubbish, the last month I knew it was over so I'm not exactly pining for her. Ready for a full on relationship? Maybe not. Ready for dating and seeing where it goes? Definitely. Her father and brother? She lives with her mum and step dad, both know about me as I've been around a few times, like I said I'm friends with her sisters bf and have been to party's there. Her mum knows she has a soft spot for me and has for months. I know in any start of a relationship there is a chance it's not going to last but with a younger other half that chance increases. It's a tough one to know what to do. I don't even have a gut feeling either way
Erised Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 My brother and Father were both in my life when I was 17 dating a 23 year old. And when I was 22 dating a 39 year old. I wasn't missing a male authority figure. I have a great father. We talked about it when I dated (and married) an older man. There was no problem. Whatever. The assumptions here are telling, and not about the OP or the woman he's interested in.
kaylan Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I think I may have misundstood what this thread really was about. Perhaps you're simply looking for permission around hooking up with this younger girl? Evident by your replies and your thumbs up to the guy who came in to talk about his 32 year age gap. I find it strange how many men have told you to "just have fun" - basically to just use her - better know as the pump and dump yes? Sexism is alive and well. You want permission to hook up with the young hottie. Which is why men are running in this thread in droves to encourage you onwards and talk about their own age-gap relationships with not significantly older women, but significantly younger ones. Because the only time age doesn't matter to men, is when the woman is younger then them. Use her? Opp wants to settle down soon
SycamoreCircle Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I'm with Toodaloo. Last week a blow to the head could not convince you that you needed to end that relationship. You'd become a doormat. Now you're hopping into bed with a woman 13 years your junior? It's great that it's someone you know already and the two of you are comfortable with one another. But be mindful that you have not had time to deal with the fallout of that last relationship. Also be mindful that women in their early 20's, and this is a blanket statement I feel very cozy making, are tropical storms of emotion. Their frontal lobes aren't even fully formed yet! Are you sure this isn't a desperate act to regain self-esteem? Self-esteem is gained only through yourself, not another person. I'm not telling you either way, but use your best judgment. 1
mariekatie Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Well when you're 30 and she's 17, that's weird. But when she's 20 and you're 33, that doesn't seems as weird. I used to think that it is very weird but i end up dating a guy older than me by 10 years. I was early 20s while he's early 30s. I don't really feel weird after that but the generation gap is what bothers me. 1
Author Rko28 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Posted February 4, 2015 I'm with Toodaloo. Last week a blow to the head could not convince you that you needed to end that relationship. You'd become a doormat. Now you're hopping into bed with a woman 13 years your junior? It's great that it's someone you know already and the two of you are comfortable with one another. But be mindful that you have not had time to deal with the fallout of that last relationship. Also be mindful that women in their early 20's, and this is a blanket statement I feel very cozy making, are tropical storms of emotion. Their frontal lobes aren't even fully formed yet! Are you sure this isn't a desperate act to regain self-esteem? Self-esteem is gained only through yourself, not another person. I'm not telling you either way, but use your best judgment. Thanks mate. I get on well with her, always have, and I do find her really attractive. At the minute thats all it is. I do have a soft spot for her but I am mindful, even though dont think i am, that I could be in a situation that you suggest above.
still_an_Angel Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Why worry about the age gap? The dynamics between the 2 of you is what will make or break this potential relationship. There are some relationships that last because of the age gap! There is always a 50-50 chance of any relationship going either way anyway, regardless of the age between the parties. There is nothing disturbing about dating someone who is a decade younger or older than you, its the people around you who judge who have a problem. If you really like her and think she's a potential partner, why toss it and not take the risk just because of what other people think?
Larry56 Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Seriously it's not a big deal. IMO This kind of thing has happened for thousands of years. Our western society is so PC and rigid, which makes us for feeling bad for any kind of impulse. It's cool dating younger women (if they are mature) - as long as you can keep up with her - if she's an extrovert and your an introvert, look somewhere else. But otherwise just go for it. Who really wants to be single anyways...
Moy Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 (edited) Where is her dad, brothers, uncles, etc? My dad would sure as hell be grilling any 33 + something guy up in my grille at that age. The fact that none were mentioned probably points to them being absent... And also the likely reason she is attracted to someone that much older. Just because it is possible doesn't mean it should be done. Love it when the gramps pitch in with their, "I got me a kiddo", stories. Like that is something to brag about. Not. Yet when it's a 'cougar' landing a toyboy it's all round 'You go, girl!' The shaming language used in the quoted post is pretty offensive, it's one step removed from an accusation of paedophilia. Edited February 4, 2015 by Moy
The Mighty Quinn Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 (edited) TMQ is just pissed off. Most likely her SO cheated with a younger woman, or left her for one. Either that or she feels her moral highground trumps others right to live their life the way they choose. Miserable people delight in spreading their vitriol. What "moral high ground" have I displayed? And how do my comments prove I'm "miserable" or spreading "vitriol"? I stated some truths. I did not make fun of or call the OP names. I gave him my advice based on the situation. That's what he asked for. Don't get your balls all knotted about. @ stillafool Marriage may or not may not be realistic but to advocate and cheer on people to use each other for fun seems cold to me. @ Moy The incidents of men wanting to date women 10 years older then themselves is far fewer then men who feel entitled to date women 10 years younger then themselves. Women already got a handicap in this situation. Men don’t. Hence why when a woman scores a younger man, it’s considered empowering and when a man does it, it’s seen as the same old nonsense men have been doing for thousand of years. Now me? If it was a man or woman who was the 33 year old , it doesn’t matter, that’s just too much of a a “at different stages of life” thing. Why are so many men unable to relate to women their own age though? Is it because the older man is not mature enough himself? Does he not relate to women his own age? Is he unable to form relationships with them? Does he specifically seek out younger women? These are all questions a woman of any age should consider. Sometimes what is impressive to a 20 year old girl isn't impressive to a 30 year old woman and maybe these older men that go for younger girls know that? I don't know. Just some thoughts. But the OP started this thread for no reason. He already knew what he wanted to do. Maybe he just wanted to brag. Edited February 4, 2015 by The Mighty Quinn 1
Moy Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 @TheMightyQuinn: The fact that I didn't even reference you in my post, yet you took the time to edit your post to include a long, manshaming paragraph directed at me speaks volumes. The fact that you try to rationalise older women away as 'empowered' and older men as 'the same old nonsense' and then proceed to ask a series of questions shaming men for allegedly not being able to relate to women their own age speaks even more. As for those questions: Who knows? Who cares? Maybe it's nobody else's business. Maybe those older men find those younger women more fun to be around than a 30-40 something headed for the wall, enviously and bitterly attempting to shame those men back into their perceived acceptable social construct through fear of their own aging process. As I said, it's nobody else's business.
The Mighty Quinn Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Isn’t editing great? I accidently posted too soon and didn’t get to include everything I wanted to say. Not sure how it “speaks volumes to you”. I doubt you even know how it “speaks volumes to you” too because people usually say that when they have nothing better to say. There is no such thing as “manshaming”. There is just regular good old fashioned “shaming”. And frankly, that gets throw around the internet too often anytime feels hurt that someone doesn’t agree with their view point. “You’re shaming me!” they cry. Disagreement over a perspective is not “shame”. I did not rationalize older women dating younger men. I actually said the complete opposite. Also, earlier I said there was a difference between a 20 year old and a 33 year old and a 30 year old and a 43 year old. I just explained to you why it’s considered “empowering” for women. It’s considered “empowering” because frankly, women never had the social freedom to do the same things men have done since the beginning of time. Further, I never said I found it “empowering”. Infact, I very clearly said that an older women doing the same thing would be disagreeable as well. Reread my post after “Now me?” How in the world is it shaming to ask someone if they are able to relate to someone their own age? You do realize that sometimes people don’t know how to relate to people their own age right? Men and women. It’s a valid question. But I do find it fun and ironic that you where so hurt by what you perceived to be “manshaming” that you went on further down your comments to purposely shame 30-40 year old women about being “headed for the wall” and claiming “bitterness”. You don’t even know how old I am yet you purposely tried to put me down with shaming. While previously you tried to act as the white knight for all things “shaming”! If you are going to attempt to accuse someone of “shaming”, try not to engage in the behavior yourself. It makes your argument just that much more credible. 2
stillafool Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 @ stillafool Marriage may or not may not be realistic but to advocate and cheer on people to use each other for fun seems cold to me. Okay you don't believe in premarital sex! We get it. Not everyone feels as you do. 1
The Mighty Quinn Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 No no.. I have nothing against premartial sex. But of course not everyone feels as I do. We all came into this thread with different thoughts right? 1
Author Rko28 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Posted February 4, 2015 But the OP started this thread for no reason. He already knew what he wanted to do. Maybe he just wanted to brag. That is bang out of order and so far from the truth. I posted to ask for peoples opinions, knowing full well there would be positive and negative ones. My aim was to see if anyone mentioned anything that maybe I hadnt thought of. To say I posted to brag is totally out of line and disrespectful.
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