toxicity56 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) Hi @ all, I didn't think that I would have to post here after one day of lurking around. I just wanted to know what to do in the first place. Well but yesterday my GF of 3 years broke up with me. Maybe I should start at the beginning (I think you need to know a few things before you can give me advice) I started dating my ex and we were a horrible couple to be honest. I was selfish and she was clingy. We got in fights pretty often and almost broke up a couple of times ( I know I should've known that this won't work) We had a few pauses in our time and to be honest I couldn't even picture me marrying that girl (she is 22 now and I'm 23 btw.) Like I said we weren't compatible at all I guess but we managed to overcome all difficulties. On January 8th my stepfather and best friend died of Cancer and I needed to be there for my mother. I knew that and sort of build a psychological wall around the subject and sort of functioned after that in order to get my mother back on track. I told my ex at that point that I won't be able to see her and that I need time. I also told her that sometimes I felt not good around her at all because I knew I should be at home helping. She begged me to get a second chance but this wasn't about chance at all. It was just so I can look after my mother. She said I got louder with her (which I honestly don't recall but like I said I only barely functioned) After 2 weeks that I told her that she called me and wanted to see me and so on. I wasn't angry at all, I was relieved to hear from her and drove to her immediatly. She had a present -> A pillow for me and I loved it. We spend the night together and everything seemed normal an fine. One week after that I thought ok we should get back to a normal relationship and I called here, I had a few presents ready and wanted to thank her, but she told me that she wasn't sure about the RS anymore and that she wanted to think. I tried to see her a few times during the week but without any luck. She said we can talk the next day -> the next day came and she told me the same thing. I didn't give her space at all to be honest. I was just so afraid and terrified. We got in a fight eventually and I told her that I want to break up (it just stumbled out of my mouth, I was so angry and I regreted it immediatly). She said that she will come to my workplace and we can talk face to face and we'll see where it's going from there. During the day she was talking to me in FB and I lurked this forum. I told her that she didn't had to come and that she can have her time if she want to think a bit more. She said that she wanted to come to see me and talked as if everythings allright. So I didn't thought about it too much. When we finally met and startet to talk she broke up with me. I told her before she dropped the Bomb on me that I was really sorry for being this rude and for not giving her the time she needed. I tried to tell her that as calm as possible. I told her that I now know that I really hurted her when I said that I need time for myself and that I just functioned at this moment. I tried telling her that every now and then couples get into fights and that it's normal (since we never were mean to each other) But she kept saying that she can't do this anymore and that always one of us is going to get hurt if we stay together and that she loves me and cares for me and want to stay friends but a RS is not possible. I did everything wrong, tried to plead, bargaining, everything. She wouldn't change her mind. I drove us to my place still trying to convince her but again no luck. She took everything with her that belonged to her and I took the rest which reminded me of her and threw it away (and since I was pretty dumb and hurt she was still around at that time because I couldn't wait till she was gone) I got home and immediatly started NC blocked her everywhere and got rid of her Number. Deleted every photo and threw away everything that reminded me of her. The night was horrible I couldn't sleep and when I did I had a dream of her and wanted to scream when I woke up. Im a mess. This isn't the first break up but it's the worst I ever had. I want to get back together with her even though I know I will probably never see her again. I don't know what is wrong with me. Now that I write this post and get everything back to my mind Im shaking and Im terrified at what I did I was a real a**hole I guess. I can't eat anything at the moment I feel like puking any second. I never had this much trouble with a breakup in my life and she was the longest RS in my whole life. Did I f*** up everything? Am I getting to feel better sometime? Is it wise to stick with NC? Is there any chance that she would take me back somehow? Im at a total loss. Thank you for reading (sorry if my english is bad I'm not a native speaker) Edited February 3, 2015 by toxicity56 addidtional info added
Light Breeze Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Toxic relationship.. You said you were selfish and she, clingy so I don't really see it working out in the long term. However, you getting cold and stuff when your stepdad and bestfriend died I can picture (sorry for your loss, by the way). I don't think that this was necessarily the ultimate cause of your break up, but rather the time you were apart with her was the catalyst. It might be because of you were a non-factor in that 2 weeks that your ex realized that you, together, aren't good for each other. Being apart make things clearer. You, starting NC is really a good move. No one knows if she's coming back or not but treat it as she won't and focus on yourself. You need to heal and improve yourself. Good luck, brother.
Author toxicity56 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Thank you for your advice but why didn't she tell me so when we first met after 2 weeks? I mean ffs we even had sex and she gave me a present. I just can't get my head around it. One Week everything's ok and the next she's unsure of our RS. I just want everything back in Order (I know I'm needy atm but I just feel that way) and I know it would be better if I just let go but it is so hard.
fromheart Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Sorry to hear that you lost your stepfather. I lost my father last year, its one of the most painful things in life. I had to be there for my mother which took all of my time, and my sanity. My own fault for not looking after myself, but thats how it happened. A few months later my GF kicked me out of our flat. No one really understands bereavement unless they've been there. All I can suggest is that you tell her you made a terrible mistake, your stepfather had died and you had to be there for your mother. Thats a lot of pressure, especially at your age. I'm going to point out to you though, you're coping method when things get difficult is to dump the other person. My recent ex did exactly the same thing. She'd then come back the next day or a few weeks later and we'd be back together. But the cycle continued and got worse. Your ex probably doesn't want to be in that cycle. All her friends are probably telling her what my friends told me, take her/him back and he/she will just do the same thing again. People are going to die in your life, this is inevitable. Your coping method can't be to push people away. You know that now, so have a look inside of yourself and see where that pattern is coming from. I'm guessing that like me, you have a fear of abandonment but whereas my tendency is to get clingy, yours is to push the other away. Let her know you're working on yourself to be a better person, you love her and want her in your life. Then walk on. No begging or pleading. Maybe try and give it some time before telling her this, so that she can feel the sincerity and truth of your words. That will help her feel trust for you, which had been taken away from her when you broke up. Walk on and let her make the next move. She might test you to make sure you're strong in your decision, stick to your decision. Keep working on yourself in the meantime and make sure your mother is ok. I'm currently looking after my mother AND dealing with a break up, man its tough. Keep to the self work, and look after yourself.
Author toxicity56 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Thank you too for your Advice (sadly I can't edit the Original post anymore) I didn't break up at that moment I told her that I was sorry to have said that I just was so furious at this moment.
Light Breeze Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Thank you for your advice but why didn't she tell me so when we first met after 2 weeks? I mean ffs we even had sex and she gave me a present. I just can't get my head around it. One Week everything's ok and the next she's unsure of our RS. I just want everything back in Order (I know I'm needy atm but I just feel that way) and I know it would be better if I just let go but it is so hard. I can only speculate.. I've seen this happen quite a few times, the soon to be ex tries her/his hardest to work on a dying relationship (i.e. Sweet, caring, loving etc.). Then, she realizes it really isn't there anymore or he/she knows that nothing good can come out of the RS continuing. So at the end of the day she dumps his/her partner after trying but on the viewpoint of the dumpee, it's a surprise BU. Letting go is hard, you'll need time, patience, and a positive attitude, but don't fret, healing will come. Remember, you were the one saying that you didn't see this RS going far anyway, so just think of it as an end to something you don't believe working.
Author toxicity56 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 I've done bad. Not only 24h did I last. I broke NC, not with her but with a mutual friend. I asked him how she was and it appears that she is fine. I honestly don't know how she does that. I would kill to just be fine. He will try to find out more. I think I need to really know that she just don't want me anymore before I can start my healing process. The last things she said just left me with hope I guess. She said things like:"Don't worry you'll be over it before me" and since we had this before (BU's then came back) I think I just really need this kind of Slap in order to stop the "what if's" I'll keep you updated if you want.
Light Breeze Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It's very very very early days for you yet, brother. I'd be surprised if you don't break NC at least once. Anyway, I can understand what you feel (slap in the face thing). People are different in their way of handling healing and moving on. Maybe this is your thing. I just want to warn you though, if you keep on waiting for that "slap" the more you'll delay your healing. Why? Because chances are she's never going to give it to you. More often than not dumpers like to give breadcrumbs to keep you hooked while they heal and find someone else. Or they are those kind people who'll generally not cut dumpees out of their lives because they absolutely hate someone thinking bad about them. Again, back to my question. Why do you want someone back that you admit to not seeing the future with? Keep on posting, people here want to help.
mightycpa Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 she is fine. I honestly don't know how she does that. She doesn't do that. You know how you can't turn it off like a switch? Neither did she. She has no control over how she feels about you. She can't make herself want you any more than you can make yourself not want her. She just got to the finish line first. The last things she said just left me with hope... She said things like:"Don't worry you'll be over it before me" This is not a hopeful statement. This is a statement of pity. She's not kicking you while you're down, but maybe she wasn't mean enough either. You say I think I just really need this kind of SlapMaybe you do. You could always ask her to send you a video where she explains in no uncertain terms that she doesn't want to be with you, and you can watch it when you're feeling weak. That might help.
Author toxicity56 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Again, back to my question. Why do you want someone back that you admit to not seeing the future with? I honestly don't know what she has that I am not able to let go. I think deep down maybe I am just afraid of being alone (since this was the longest RS I ever had) or maybe I just don't feel good enough for anyone atm. I know these kinds of things will settle once I moved on. Like I said earlier once I know I think it's easier for me to let go. Thank you all for your replies btw. they are appreciated and helping me. Somehow it feels like a "safe place" for storing these dark days.
mightycpa Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I think you're just feeling the symptoms of addiction withdrawal. You know that this is irrational. You just don't know how to get past it. How you get past it is with time, and by acknowledging and feeling your grief. We men like to avoid pain, it is a very practical response. Bad move too, because it will follow you until you deal with it. You've got a lot on your shoulders, more than most, because you're dealing with two losses. No wonder you feel bad. There's no magic bullet, so you're going to have to just ride it out, let it run its course. I can almost guarantee that you don't really want her back and you're not afraid of being alone either.
Author toxicity56 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Thank you mightycpa I just got my "slap" so I think I will just leave things as they are now. I hoped she would maybe come to her senses but it looks like it won't go as planned. I don't know if I will update this thread any longer. I will try to get out there and I will lurk other threads and maybe can give advice later on my mission to get to a level of acceptence. I wish you all out there just the best and that you can stay strong until you are over it.
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