question about the 180

[Deniel23]

Hello, I wrote in here earlier about my wife having a affair and some of

The advice was to do the 180.she tells me she's not sure what she wants but it seems clear and said that she wont cut ties with the guy.

The question is, I know its to early to see if there are any changes as I've only been doing it for a week, but what do I do when she makes physical contact?

she stays at the guys house couple nights a week but she's home otherwise and suppose to move out but I know it will be a couple months before she does.and with that still in the same bed.

one night she came home got into bed and started rubbing my shoulder.I was half asleep at the time so pretended it didn't happen.

Should I make contact back and keep it short? or do nothing? when I read up on the 180 didn't see anything about that.

Thanks

[Ralph79]

Deniel23

 

I read your story. I realize you think you love this woman. That's why you are giving the 180 a try but have some Pride and Dignity. Believe it or not , they are really important.

 

I've posted to other people that I regret not having the backbone to tell my wife to go to hell when she asked for chance after being with her xBF. I was too eager to give it to her and she left me again for good a few months later. In retrospect, I guess it was for the best. She wasn't a good person and definitely wasn't good for me.

 

Your wife has cheated on you twice, accused you of rape, and you STILL allow her to get into the same bed with you?

 

My friend, I'll tell you something... She's crazy, but she had a bad upbringing. I've dealt with people like her. What's your excuse? Because there's something really wrong with you. I can tell you this because there was something wrong with me when I put up with similar stuff from my exwife.

 

I called it love, but I was sick. Addicted to her. I look back at all the humiliation, and the pain she caused and I am really happy she's gone. When she left I was crying and thinking about suicide because I couldn't deal with life without her, but after cutting off my addiction to her, I realize how wrong I was. I think you are in the same boat.

 

There is no way in hell you can be happy or in love with a woman that does this to you. I apologize but I say this because you seem like a really nice person: You can't be this pathetic that you would allow yourself to still care about this woman. We all deserve a partner that wants us back. She has lost all respect for you because you do not respect yourself.

 

And in response to your 180 question, my interpretation of it is that you need to be completely indifferent to her. Not angry, not cordial. No special treatment. That being said, if she were a woman worthwhile, I would tell her to please stop touching you in bed. Tell her that you are tired and that you need to sleep. If she does want to initiate sex with you it's nothing more than a pity f*ck. Don't sink that low for your sake.

 

You want to "help" your wife but you need to help yourself first. Your life is a mess because of her and you can't see that. You cannot help her because she doesn't want to be helped and she's dragging you down with her. There is no shame in giving up on people like that, on the contrary... it takes courage and backbone to do the right thing and fight for your life and happiness.

 

Good Luck my friend and I just want to tell you that the moment you realize how truly valuable you are and how much more you deserve, is the day you'll look back at this and tell yourself "why didn't I get rid of her sooner".

[Deniel23]

Thanks for the advice.as someone like you that went thru this you know right were I am.I do have respect for myself and felt that's why the 180 would be a good place to start knowing her choice, and to start healing.

I've read so much online... all different perspectives.... dump her be done or a marriage can survive affairs.there are always two sides to every story and I try to think about that when I tell people my story.I'm sure if you were to hear from my wife it would sound different on how the last couple years have gone.yes that doesn't excuse what she did with the last guy ,but with the first one, the emotional affair I accused her of cheating and she never thought she was cause there was no sex between them.

Had I not been stubborn and gone to counciling sooner would things have been different? dunno.

I do know I need to start moving on and respecting myself again, and if she broke it off with this guy I honestly don't know were I would stand know ,as were a week ago I would taken her back.

My wife has no one to turn too.no real friends only family is living with us, no one to say hey what are you doing.her sister is 17 she grew up taking care of her because there mother is terrible person.when the rape thing came up it was cause she was talking to her sister about it, and her being so young she was like well that's rape, and I think my wife put that in her head to justify the affair.

 

 

I guess I felt like I could save her, or help her because of her troubled past, and when we talked last, she had said she was a terrible person don't know why you want to be with me and you can't fix me.I felt like that was more a excuse to push me away or get me angry.

 

 

Ether way... this is all easier said then done, feelings and emotions are so hard..

[HelenaHandbasket]

Deniel, I'm sorry you are in pain and struggling. It is heartbreaking and I feel it from your post.

 

Your wife is still staying with this man, spending nights with him. She has no desire to end the affair. And you are pretty much giving her the green light to go ahead and keep doing what she's doing. I can't help to ask why you are putting up with this? The only way to begin the process of moving on for your own sanity is to either tell her to sever all contact with OM immediately, or you need to start the divorce process. Otherwise, what will happen is this: she will keep seeing him and maybe/maybe not, her affair will fizzle. Then what are you, second best? Is that how you see yourself? You deserve so much better than this. IF you eventually tell her to stop, she still isn't going to respect you. My feeling would be, my husband let me continue, now says it's not ok? Who is HE? Again, no respect.

 

Please start thinking of you and how you can begin to heal from this. She is walking all over you and treating you like a doormat. All this does is continue to erode any respect you will start to feel again for yourself and she is past the point of caring about your feelings or your marriage.

 

I feel when a wife is the cheater, a marriage has a greater probability (though still very slim) chance of surviving, than if the husband cheats.

 

And you worried and talking about her past abuse and hurts, this appears to be a codependent marriage. One characteristic of codependency is someone who is always trying to save the other…and even more concerning, is sometimes the saver encourages in a non-direct way for the other to have life f-ups, so they can again be the savior. By you allowing the affair to continue shows you are enabling. If you aren't in counseling, I would highly recommend to start immediately (personal and marriage, if your wife is willing to end affair NOW and try to repair).

[oldshirt]

Hello, I wrote in here earlier about my wife having a affair and some of

The advice was to do the 180.she tells me she's not sure what she wants but it seems clear and said that she wont cut ties with the guy.

The question is, I know its to early to see if there are any changes as I've only been doing it for a week, but what do I do when she makes physical contact?

she stays at the guys house couple nights a week but she's home otherwise and suppose to move out but I know it will be a couple months before she does.and with that still in the same bed.

one night she came home got into bed and started rubbing my shoulder.I was half asleep at the time so pretended it didn't happen.

Should I make contact back and keep it short? or do nothing? when I read up on the 180 didn't see anything about that.

Thanks

 

Ok I need to make an analogy here to help frame this into a vpcontext that more accurately describes your situation.

 

You are basically asking if you should use a synthetic oil or regular motor oil for the 3000 mile oil change on an old junker car that you found sitting at the bottom of a scrap heap that has been sitting in pond of muck for the last 20 years.

 

You are asking what kind of car wax to use on an old beater that is stripped down to the frame and rusted through to where there isn't even any primer left.

 

You are soooo far behind the 8ball here that your question really has no relevance to the actual situation.

 

You are asking about how to respond to her advances in bed when you should be preparing for your court appearance with your attorney. You shouldn't be speaking to her or allowing her access to your property, why is she slipping into your bed at night? Why haven't you filed on her yet? Why haven't you kicked her out of the marital home yet? Why haven't you changed the locks? Why haven't you served her with a restraining order? Why arent you protecting yourself against her? Why are you asking questions here that don't have anything to do with getting her completely out of your life and moving on with your new one?????

[oldshirt]

 

 

I've read so much online... all different perspectives.... dump her be done or a marriage can survive affairs.there are always two sides to every story

 

 

 

We need to make some distinctions here. some marriages can be saved after an affair. However there are some very specific instances and criteria for which a healthy marriage can ever hope to be restored.

 

If the WS comes completely clean about the A, cuts off contact with the AP 100% for life, realizes they made a mistake and is truly remorseful, makes a sincere and heartfelt apology to the BS and then goes to work doing a lot of heavy lifting to repair the damage and work to restore the marriage and get things to a point where an another affair is not likely such as marital counseling, quitting their job to get away from AP, obtaining post-nuptial agreements, committing to 100% transparency in communications such as email! phone logs! computer access etc etc.

 

.....when all those conditions are in place and are sincere, the marriage might survive.

 

 

None of those conditions exist with your situation. Your wife hasn't even broken stride with the OM and you are asking what to do when she comes on to you in bed????

 

Your marriage is completely unsalvagable in it's current state. Your question is irrelevant to the situation.

 

Whether you should have the police or an agent from the court present when she comes to pick up her stuff to move to her apartment is a valid question given the circumstances. Asking whether you should inform the OM's wife of the affair is a valid question.

 

But asking how to handle her cuddles in your bed when she gets home with another man's semen dripping out of her onto your sheets is not valid question at this stage of the game.

[HelenaHandbasket]

oldshirt, great analogy.

 

As a friend put it:

 

"You are picking at scraps on a bone."

 

-and-

 

"You're at the point of asking yourself, what's the point."

[Deniel23]

I have told her no, ether end the affair and work on are marriage, and if she keeps going with the affair are marriage won't work.I see that clearly now that she doesn't want too.(told her that a week ago, haven't talked since)

my mind still isn't in the 100% right place but her name is on the mortgage.how can I legally tell her to get out?i did ask her to move out at which she said it will take time to find a place.I refuse to leave my bed, and told her she can sleep were ever she wants and she's chooses to sleep in the same bed.

I'm trying to end this as easy as possible, friends lawyers I've talked to kinda said the same thing.

It doesn't sound like she wants to fight with the house and stuff and I was going to say I was filing for divorce when she moved out.

If theres the smallest chance to work it out,i would still have some hard thinking to do before I would just let her back in.

We have been in counciling and for couple months, and it did help some things not the affair of course as she lied about it, and we had another session coming soon, but she said its clear the choice she has to make and not sure about going.I wasn't going to push her to go, because if she doesn't it would be a waste of time probably.

I thank you all for your advice and strength, I think it really comes down to what I can handle, and I know I need to be more firm and going forward from today, and get my respect back ,but I've never been a spiteful person, and never will be even if the other person deserves it.I think I got a good handle how I want to do this going forward now.

Thanks

 

 

Also forgot to point out, the guy she's seeing is a single guy, we had no kids, and he doesn't ether.

Edited February 3, 2015 by Deniel23

[oldshirt]

I have told her no, ether end the affair and work on are marriage, and if she keeps going with the affair are marriage won't work.I see that clearly now that she doesn't want too.(told her that a week ago, haven't talked since)

my mind still isn't in the 100% right place but her name is on the mortgage.how can I legally tell her to get out?i did ask her to move out at which she said it will take time to find a place.I refuse to leave my bed, and told her she can sleep were ever she wants and she's chooses to sleep in the same bed.

I'm trying to end this as easy as possible, friends lawyers I've talked to kinda said the same thing.

It doesn't sound like she wants to fight with the house and stuff and I was going to say I was filing for divorce when she moved out.

If theres the smallest chance to work it out,i would still have some hard thinking to do before I would just let her back in.

We have been in counciling and for couple months, and it did help some things not the affair of course as she lied about it, and we had another session coming soon, but she said its clear the choice she has to make and not sure about going.I wasn't going to push her to go, because if she doesn't it would be a waste of time probably.

I thank you all for your advice and strength, I think it really comes down to what I can handle, and I know I need to be more firm and going forward from today, and get my respect back ,but I've never been a spiteful person, and never will be even if the other person deserves it.I think I got a good handle how I want to do this going forward now.

Thanks

 

You are waaaay to naive and accommodating and weak here (don't worry, that will change. If you survive this at all, you will be much stronger and a lot less trusting and compliant with manipulators and users.).

 

You are letting her call all the shots and are trying to accommodate her in hopes she will see your sacrifice and become "nice" herself. That doesn't work, she is a preditor and preying on naïveté and weakness.

 

This is like the sheep being nice to the wolf and appeasing the wolf in hopes that the wolf will turn itself into a sheep.

 

You are going to have to become a big, lean and mean sheepdog with some teeth and aggressiveness of it's own to keep the wolf out of your pasture.

 

The sheepdog does not keep the wolf at bay out of spite or vengeance. He does it because he has to protect what is his from the preditorial nature of the wolf. If he doesn't, the wolf will eat all of the sheepdogs sheep and without a flock to protect, the sheepdog will have no purpose and will die himself.

 

You are losing yourself because all she does is take and prey on you.

 

You don't have to be spiteful or mean or act with vengeance in your heart. You just have to preserve what is yours against a preditorial attack.

 

And to do that you have to have the teeth, the strength, the backbone and the balls that at least matches the wolf's.

 

Stop being a lamb. Accept that you are up against a wolf and a wolf will only stop eating sheep if it is met by a determined sheepdog.

 

Stop being a pussy afraid to inconvenience a bad person who is intentionally and knowingly harming you.

 

One of the reasons she is walking all over you is because you are letting her and it isn't costing her a thing. She has experienced absolutely zero consequences for her bad behavior so she has no reason to change.

[coryreply]

You're in my prayers today. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[lolablue17]

She is using the law to get her selfish needs, while hurting you so much. She does only what's comfortable to her.

 

So you can make it very uncomfortable for her. Invite friends to nights parties, watch tv very loudly all night, rent an actress and have her in your bed with you (No sex) when she comes home, and humiliate her comparing her look to the actress look. pretend you're drunk and say ugly words...

 

These are all nasty mean mean things... even ugly things to do... but my guess is that the minute she will bump into your ugly side, that is the exact point when she changes her behavior and start consider your feelings too...

 

I will say it vice versa - Continue to be nice and you'll continue to get the same disrespect you're getting now.

[drifter777]

If you won't leave and you can't make her leave then you are not doing a 180. If you have a bunch of reasons why neither of you can leave then you are not doing a 180. Under these circumstances you may want to TRY your best at a 180 and that would mean that you don't sleep anywhere near her in the house. If she comes to you at night trying to sex you or whatever then you say to her - "Get away from me! Until you can move out I want nothing to do with you". Also, you speak to her only when it is absolutely necessary. Since you don't have kids, an absolute necessity would be something like "your hair is on fire - please put it out before you damage the furniture".

 

She is living single and you should help her get single as soon as possible. Seems as though things between you are fairly calm & peaceful so it should be easy, quick & simple to divorce. Split things down the middle and go your separate ways.

[DKT3]

Bottomline is, your allowing her to have both a family life and her lover. She doesn't truly have to make a decision because of that.

 

If you take away yourself (180) then she will be forced to make a decision because she would then understand you won't allow her to have both. Doing the 180 isn't a game to get her back, its a tool used to prepare yourself for life without her in it. Anything short of that is sending her the message that you will accept her being with this other guy.

[oldshirt]

Bottomline is, your allowing her to have both a family life and her lover. She doesn't truly have to make a decision because of that.

 

If you take away yourself (180) then she will be forced to make a decision because she would then understand you won't allow her to have both. Doing the 180 isn't a game to get her back, its a tool used to prepare yourself for life without her in it. Anything short of that is sending her the message that you will accept her being with this other guy.

 

Read what DK wrote here. This is what the 180 is all about. Some people think it's a means of reconciliation or a way to get someone back.

 

It is not. It is a program to help people move on with their own life and not keep hanging on and not be manipulated or jerked around by their ex.

 

Some times people do come back but that is not the point or purpose of the 180.

[oldshirt]

If you won't leave and you can't make her leave then you are not doing a 180. If you have a bunch of reasons why neither of you can leave then you are not doing a 180. Under these circumstances you may want to TRY your best at a 180 and that would mean that you don't sleep anywhere near her in the house. If she comes to you at night trying to sex you or whatever then you say to her - "Get away from me! Until you can move out I want nothing to do with you". Also, you speak to her only when it is absolutely necessary. Since you don't have kids, an absolute necessity would be something like "your hair is on fire - please put it out before you damage the furniture"

I like that.

This is a good point as well and I think it can be expanded further to include -

 

-if you are accommodating your ex or doing things to make their life easier, you aren't doing the 180.

 

-if you are doing things to get on their good side or to impress them or make them think you have changed to what they want you to be, you aren't doing the 180

 

- if you let people try to seduce you, you aren't doing the 180.

 

- if you have conversations with them about anything other than getting your stuff back, you aren't doing the 180.

 

-if you call them, txt them, email them, send carrier pidgeon asking how they are doing, you aren't doing the 180.

 

- if you return txts,emails, calls, smoke signals, carrier pigeons asking how you are doing, you aren't doing the 180.

 

- if you haven't secured your keys from them so that they have access to your house, you aren't doing the 180.

 

- if you haven't cut off all financial ties, money streams, credit cards, joint accounts etc etc, you aren't doing the 180.

 

- if you do anything with them in mind, you aren't doing the 180.

 

- if you appear to care what they say, do or think in any way, you aren't doing the 180.

 

- if you aren't doing whatever you feel like without regard to them in any way, you aren't doing the 180.

 

 

I could go on but I'm hoping you get the point. As I have the feeling you aren't doing a single one of those, you really aren't doing the 180. Since you aren't actually doing the 180, you can't say that it's not working.

 

Make no mistakes, the 180 is flawless. It will work 100% of the time. But you have to actually do it as it is written and you have to do it for yourself as a means to move on and not be jerked around and not be held on a string by your ex.

 

It is not and never was intended to get someone back or to reconcile a broken relationship or marriage. That is what marital counseling is for.

 

MC is for reconciliation. 180 is for moving on with your own life without your ex influencing it.

[drifter777]

...

As I have the feeling you aren't doing a single one of those, you really aren't doing the 180. Since you aren't actually doing the 180, you can't say that it's not working.

 

Make no mistakes, the 180 is flawless. It will work 100% of the time. But you have to actually do it as it is written and you have to do it for yourself as a means to move on and not be jerked around and not be held on a string by your ex.

 

It is not and never was intended to get someone back or to reconcile a broken relationship or marriage. That is what marital counseling is for.

 

MC is for reconciliation. 180 is for moving on with your own life without your ex influencing it.

OP: please read this and believe it. The thing oldshirt didn't say was that when you truly begin to accept that your marriage is over and begin to move on - your WW will likely be terrified. At that point she might beg and cry and promise and beg some more. You have options if and when that happens. In your case, I believe it is the ONLY possible way to save yourself from unending pain & sorrow. It also could end up saving your marriage - but that must be a secondary consideration. You cannot do a 180 with a forgiving heart - it must be all for you and your personal recovery.

[Lion Heart]

MAN LOOK we are ALL sorry for the situation you're in. Right now it's complete and total SH** BUT the rest is totally up to you. YOU! This is all happening to you. You're in a mess because she's a mess. You're thinking there's even a 1% chance of "re-marraige" while she's having a total lark flaunting her affair IN FRONT OF YOU! There's not even that.

 

Right now with this attack she's doing PLUS your pacifist reaction it's still war! She's got all the "guns and ammunition" while you're NOT EVEN PROTECTING YOUR SELF!

 

Crikeys wake up!!!!

 

You don't need any other motivation for your actions but to seek the TRUTH. Make her live with the truth!

IMO it's time to tell EVERYONE ABOUT THIS. Talk to her parents without her around. Friends, neighbors, her work colleagues and yours. Not out of vengeance or malice or any negative emotion but because you need SUPPORT.

You need the people closest to you both to KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING, TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH (AND WHIP HER A** should they want to). These people were my rock in the first 4 weeks and yet my WH wasn't doing anything like your WW AT ALL!

 

LS took over alot and provided all of the REAL NUTS AND BOLTS ACTIONS I needed for any chance of reconciliation and certainly an easier divorce.

 

Yes WH stayed, who cares? That was no way enough.

 

(BTW we have 3 children still at home. 3 children out of home. A mortgage, business etc).

 

These are some things I did:

* told EVERYONE I COULD what he did on D Day and afterwards. I phoned his mother first and SHE SMOKESCREENED! Even though she knew about it the same day. I copied and pasted a text to all his friends & they sh** themselves and phoned him for an explanation.

* moved everything of his out of the house into the garage in a huge pile. If he thought he could stay because his name was on the mortgage then his 5th or 8th was the garage. My decision.

* locked the house, took his keys. He had no access.

* guaranteed there was NC between WH & OW as I took his phone for a week & he freely gives me his phone to check whenever the will arises in me. ONE contact from him to her and over. I have all his passwords and he knows I check stuff regularly. I've got and get full phone records.

* sought IC the day after D Day. Told him he could do anything he wanted. He booked into same psych and asked for IC and MC asap. He's there right now.

* moved ALL MY MONEY to my own accounts in my previous name and moved all equity funds from our mortgage weekly. Yeah he freaked and I don't care. Should I? NO!!!

* stopped paying the mortgage and informed him of such. If he wanted to live here, he pays full mortgage. How? I don't care.

* lodged for separation. Date D Day.

* lodged child support. Date D Day.

* took his name off our family Health Insurance that I pay for solely

* wrote up a new Will

* prepared an affidavit for Court and told him the contents in detail. This is what his future contains and HE'S SO WELCOME TO IT!

 

I'm not gonna lie and say I was full of love for him while I did these things BUT HE ABSOLUTELY forgot about us totally while he was in his A.

 

My actions were all about protection ON EVERY LEVEL. Making him know the partial consequences of his actions.

 

You need protection by any means possible. Get it and get people to help you quickly! !!

 

You will never have more expert, "cutting edge" information and advice from anywhere IMO than from here. As differing as the advice and choices can seem, it's all really really valuable. Because we KNOW, we've BEEN THERE, we can see things that you can't while you're in shock.

 

This too shall pass..... it will merely become an experience of your past and RIGHT NOW you need to reach out to your future self and ask "Why am I going through this?" you know the answer, "it's to cut and run before she cuts you to ribbons, to gather yourself up and prepare to meet the gorgeous, loving and faithful woman in my bed right next to me now. That's our future and I can't wait for you to join me! Hurry up! It's fantastic!" That's you, live it beginning now.

 

Much love, hope and strength,

Lion Heart.

Edited February 4, 2015 by Lion Heart

[HelenaHandbasket]

You mention she is on the mortgage. Are you on it as well? IF she refuses to leave on her own accord, I'm afraid there isn't much you can do without a restraining order. If she does leave, that will be seen as abandoning the marital residence and you can use that to your advantage (not to mention all the nights she stays at her affair partners house. Make sure you keep track of every night she doesn't return home.)

 

You should also start considering how you wish to file for divorce if it comes to that. Will she fight it or can you agree on ending with 'irreconcilable differences'? If you file with ID, check your state laws on how long you need to be separated for. Normally that is 2 years, however you can both sign a waiver with a 6 month separation. Separated time clock would be the date from which you found out about the affair. Also you don't need to be living in different residences for 'separation', only living apart within the residence.

 

You could forego the ID filing and hit her with infidelity grounds as you obviously have the proof needed. I would even put the affair partner's name in the divorce filing, but that's just me.

[Chi townD]

Dude, if you let her walk all over you, she's going to do it. Time to start looking out for number one. If she's telling you that things aren't physical with this other dude, then I have a bridge to sell you.

 

 

I would strongly advise you to file for divorce, that's a wake up call and a half. Then, I would do the 180 and follow it to a tee. The one 180 will do one of two things. It's going to make her see that you're moving on, and more importantly, without her! And if she's good with getting divorced, then the 180 will help you disengage from the marriage and jump start the healing process for you.

[Arieswoman]

OP,

she tells me she's not sure what she wants but it seems clear and said that she wont cut ties with the guy.

 

But it seems she's in no hurry to ride off into the sunset with him?

 

So she's 'cake-eating' and will continue for as long as you allow her to do so.

 

If you can't get her out of the house at least get her out of your bed - and see a solicitor/lawyer to see how you stand legally regarding divorce.

 

And stop being so damn reasonable. Remember ;-

 

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.

 

Winston Churchill

[harrybrown]

Go see an attorney today .

 

 

Tell her she has to sleep someplace else. You do not want her stds.

 

Expose the A to everyone and the OM's family also.

 

Get moving and stop rugsweeping.

 

Kick her out of your bed at least.

[Deniel23]

thank you all for the love and support.I have been cutting all are bank accounts up , and starting all the side bills... phone and car insurance etc tonight.

Its been about 2 weeks now, and I think Im going to ask her for a divorce tonight, and just keep on working on the 180 as you guys have said.

I have talked to a lot of people at work , let them know, we work for the same company but different places.

I talked to her father that's living with us, and I could see the pain in his face, he knows what I've done for her and him for that matter and that's all he could really say to me.

And again we haven't had sex in 6 months, even before she started with this guy , and Im not worried about that right now.

I know I've been avoiding it.. but I think she really wants the divorce too..so I don't think its going to be that painful anyways.

 

 

anyways... wish me strength.

[drifter777]

thank you all for the love and support.I have been cutting all are bank accounts up , and starting all the side bills... phone and car insurance etc tonight.

Its been about 2 weeks now, and I think Im going to ask her for a divorce tonight, and just keep on working on the 180 as you guys have said.

I have talked to a lot of people at work , let them know, we work for the same company but different places.

I talked to her father that's living with us, and I could see the pain in his face, he knows what I've done for her and him for that matter and that's all he could really say to me.

And again we haven't had sex in 6 months, even before she started with this guy , and Im not worried about that right now.

I know I've been avoiding it.. but I think she really wants the divorce too..so I don't think its going to be that painful anyways.

 

 

anyways... wish me strength.

If you focus on the fact that this is the beginning of your healing then I think you can draw strength from that fact. At the same time you are forcing her hand so if there is any chance to save things this is the best path to take.

 

Things never turn out as bad as we imagine they will. Its usually somewhere in the middle of the best and worst outcome. You are doing the right thing and things will get better.

[Deniel23]

Well I told her.she cried a little but said thinks its best.

We talked a little, and I talked a bit to much about are time together.after a while she said she loves me she really does but thinks again its for the best.

I said I have a hard time believing that you really do, you don't treat someone the way you have treated me if you really love them.she told me what a great man I was and that she admires me for who I'm but she can't be the person I want her to be.told her I never expected her to be anyone other then my partner in life.

We talked about splitting items and what not and her finding a apartment but she said she hasn't had any luck but wants to move out asap to make it less painful for me.

I feel better, bit sad and we will see how the rest goes but I guess its time to start a new life.

[drifter777]

You took a big step toward healing - I'm happy for you.

 

Do you have a counselor? If not you should find one and start therapy. A professional will help you get through the grieving process so you will be ready to start your new life.