How do I survive a six month break with my boyfriend?

[alexandrathegreat]

A few weeks ago my boyfriend of three years and I went on a break because of distance (only 30 miles but he doesn't have a car and I only sometimes have a car) and he works everyday, all day trying to get money for culinary school so he has no time for a relationship. We still do love each other, I am not sure how much he loves me right now but still somewhat. During the first few weeks of the break we still met up and hooked up and acted like we were in love and nothing was wrong. However, last week I told him that we needed to create some tighter boundaries because I was confused and sad and it was hard for me to see him so much if our relationship was in limbo. So we decided that we would take a break for six months and that we were allowed to hook up with other people if we wanted, and that we wouldn't talk or see each other for the first month at least. Since that day it has been impossible for me to focus...I have been hanging out with friends and family to keep myself busy. Though, I am a junior in college and for my life, I can't focus on schoolwork which is very important to me. I miss him incredibly and not communicating is just making me feel like he will move on or realize that we shouldn't be together. I don't know how to handle a break...it is my first one and I love him a lot.

[Els]

This is not a break, it is a breakup. And if he's breaking up due to a 30 mile distance (even if he doesn't have a car, there is public transport!)... he isn't the one for you. Really.

 

Please put this guy out of your mind and focus on moving on and on meeting other people. A guy who wants to be with you isn't going to initiate a 6 month 'break' over something so trivial.

[mightycpa]

So we decided that we would take a break for six months and that we were allowed to hook up with other people if we wanted, and that we wouldn't talk or see each other for the first month at least.

 

Speaking as a man, I've never, ever, ever been involved with a woman that I wanted where anything even remotely resembling this was OK.

 

However, I have been involved with women that I would bang occasionally where this was a perfectly acceptable arrangement.

[fromheart]

If I love a woman and she loves me, I'll travel 3 times round the world to be with her if it kills me. I'd walk 30 miles overnight.

 

You're not happy with the arrangement he is dictating, and you have schoolwork which is very important for your life. Tell him all or nothing, I haven't got time for anything else.

[angel.eyes]

Agreed. My last boyfriend lived 75 miles away, and he would travel at all hours of the night or early morning just to spend a few hours with me because we both had very demanding work schedules. The concept of sharing me with other guys would have been a non-starter for him.

 

OP, guys who like you and see a future with you aren't okay sharing you with other men. Sorry, but the relationship you want is over. He's no longer interested in investing in being your boyfriend, but he's giving you hope to keep you on the hook for when he gets horny, since he doesn't have anyone else lined up yet. So for now you've been demoted from girlfriend to temporary FWB. He'll see you when it suits him but will otherwise be unavailable. As soon as he finds someone, expect him to disappear.

 

Obviously you still care about him, but that's just not sufficient to keep the relationship going. He needs to be invested in making this work too...and he isn't. You need to take the bull by the horns and end your tour through limboland. Otherwise you'll find yourself bargaining, then groveling and agreeing to ever fewer crumbs to have any contact with him. Don't do that to yourself. All you'll do is sacrifice your self-esteem and dignity. You still won't get back to where you once were.

 

The healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to recognize when someone is done, accept it, and move on. He's really not worth getting poor grades this semester. Let him go and move on. There are less selfish guys who will be happy to be your boyfriend once you open yourself up to other possibilities.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I would follow the others' advice. Consider this guy your ex-boyfriend now and consider this a break-up, not a break. Don't waste your time waiting for this "break" to end. You are going to get very hurt, I fear. How will you feel knowing he's having sex with other girls, then expects you to have sex with him too?

 

If he were really serious about you, he would never consider taking a break. Consider it done so you can begin to heal and move on.

[Arieswoman]

alexandrathegreat,

Well, you can call me a boring old f@rt, because I am over 40, but I really don't get this "going on a break" stuff.

 

In my book if a guy wants to be with you, he'll move heaven and earth to do that. Good grief he only lives 30 miles away! - some people commute that far daily to go to work.

 

If he wants this "break" I would suspect it's to have time to explore other options. He may well want to meet up again if he doesn't find any, but do you really want to be his "plan B"?

 

I'm sorry but I can't see this ending well for you if you hang about waiting to see if he wants you or not.

 

IMO you need to put your heart and soul into getting the best grades you can so that you have a future ahead of you. I know this is heart-breaking but you need to focus on your schooling and getting skilled up so you can be an independent self-supporting woman.

 

I'm really sorry that this hasn't worked out romantically but you deserve better than to be some guy's back-up plan.

 

Good luck xx

Edited February 3, 2015 by Arieswoman