pteromom Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 That's so hard to do when it feels like I am the reason things got to this point to begin with No. You can't take the blame for his choices. You may have contributed to the downfall of the relationship. But all the ugly hurtful things he said to you...those were HIM. He was showing you who he was in those moments. And if you had continued a relationship with him, every fight, every hardship, every bump in the road for the REST of your LIVES together would be made worse by his ugliness. A person either has the capability and desire to hurt someone else in that way, or he doesn't. Your ex is not a good person. He's broken somehow. You can do better. You can find someone who wants to love you by lifting you up instead of tearing you down. It will be really really hard for a while. Then slowly it will be easier. Then one day you will laugh. You may go right back to crying, but that moment of laughter will be a breakthrough. Then there will be more laughing and less crying. Then the crying will stop and be replaced by a kind of quiet regret that things couldn't have been different. Then maybe some anger that he didn't try harder. Then finally, a peace with the ending, and a gratitude that you didn't end up with him. It will happen. But it is a process. Focus on getting through each moment, and stay strong.
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 (edited) It sounds like you and I were in the same place. When we would fight he would make comments about how he can't stand the fighting and this is why it won't work. But now that I've had some time to clear my head, the fighting was his way of manipulating the situation so it wouldn't work. Yes! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! Omg. That is exactly the same thing my ex did!!! He was doing it towards the end of the relationship as well, pretty much. He would twist things I said and would get super overly offended at things, keep fights going, etc. When we fought two days ago, I brought up how he had promised he would "hear me out" after our two day agreed upon NC. He suddenly went off about how it's what he had been waiting for all this time, and how I'd lost my chance. He claimed it was the only reason he was in contact with me. BS!!!!!!!!!!!!! He said I'd been stalling, but he was acting like I'd hurt him or something by not bringing it up, like as if I had brought it up, it maybe would have gotten me a chance with him - when all that would have happened was the same thing that was happening right then. So if he'd been waiting until that moment, then why couldn't I have my say at that moment then? He waited two months for me to bring it up so he could say I lost my chance? On what planet does that make any sense?? Then he basically stopped texting and I became so distraught and hysterical I left work at midday. Obviously I started texting him like mad and I even tried to call him multiple times, something I'd never done before. It turned out he was in class, and he was furious that I blew up his phone. Yet he couldn't send one text back saying I'm in class, we'll talk later? No, he stayed silent and let me flip out with grief, then reappeared to tell me how irrational and unstable I was (again making it sound like if I hadn't done that, maybe, just maybe things could be better than they were right at that moment). When I brought this up during the breakup he said he didn't mean any of those nice things and I can't be expected to trust things he says when he was drunk. Which makes no sense because he wasn't drunk when he said those things and he went ENTIRELY out of his way to be nice to me. Omg. It is such a relief to know someone else has gone through this same mindf****. You seriously don't even know. Unbelievable. Edited February 5, 2015 by JustDeadInside
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 But all the ugly hurtful things he said to you...those were HIM. He was showing you who he was in those moments. Thank you for an uplifting message. And the highlighted portion above...that's what I need to remember and it makes me sad. It's funny how I automatically take blame like I drove him to say those things - mainly because throughout our entire relationship he made himself out to be this delicate flower who wasn't even capable of talking like that - but then I start thinking and it's like, I wasn't cussing at him or insulting him or fighting with him...I was begging him for hours to calm down. That's what I'm proud of tbh. I wasn't going to go down calling people wh***s and that he should've kept it in his pants and things like that... I stayed constructive while he devolved into this vicious mess. I hope that sticks in his head.
darkbloom Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Omg. It is such a relief to know someone else has gone through this same mindf****. You seriously don't even know. Unbelievable. My ex was raised as an only child and is very entitled. He thinks its okay to lie and manipulate people because he was raised as only rich entitled white boys can be. His mom is also passive aggressive and his dad is a liar so he got the lying and the passive aggressiveness from them. It is a lethal combination in an argument. He would literally take something innocent that I said and flip out and turn it into me attacking him and everything being my fault. He is also depressed (won't seek help ironically enough because him family doesn't *talk* about their problems). (Another ironic side note, his parents LOVE me. Like his dad sent me flowers for Christmas and his mom bought me jewelry and showed up at work with a huge box of homemade things. He didn't inform them that we had broken up. AWKWARD. She also had me included in group texts with him during NC. He must have finally told her because I am not part of the group texts anymore. But awkward sauce.) The weird part is he can be the nicest most overly thoughtful person to me. And then he says the most hurtful ignorant things to me and I don't even know what happened.
lovebug_5858 Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 JustDeadInside & Darkbloom, Reading through all these posts really made me realize a few things. It's looking like sooo many men are the same, once they decide we are no longer beneficial to them they can't even man up and just walk away, they have to fight, twist it all up so it looks like we're the bad guys, get mad OVER NOTHING... like someone else said, just sooo much mindf***ing.... like WHY. We will all get through this though.... and we'll see the signs next time.
darkbloom Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 JustDeadInside & Darkbloom, Reading through all these posts really made me realize a few things. It's looking like sooo many men are the same, once they decide we are no longer beneficial to them they can't even man up and just walk away, they have to fight, twist it all up so it looks like we're the bad guys, get mad OVER NOTHING... like someone else said, just sooo much mindf***ing.... like WHY. We will all get through this though.... and we'll see the signs next time. lovebug, I asked him on several occasions to let me go. If this was not headed towards reconciliation and if he was not going to change the things that needed to be changed that it would be easier and better if we were completely separate. He would always come back with the he needs me in his life nonsense which I misinterpreted as him wanting to get back together. I stopped initiating contact with him. I stopped putting in effort. When we would go out and people would ask us if we were together, I made it very clear that we were not. And he would get mad at me for not putting in effort or contacting me first. Bro, you ripped my heart out and just expect me to keep coming back. Which I did because I am an idiot. But no more. Can any guys chime in on this situation and explain, exactly, why he put so much effort into something if he didn't think we had a future? Why jump through so many hoops for me and force yourself to do things you don't even want to do? AND WHY BLAME ME AFTER? Ah, boys are silly.
Nolan 93 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Love hurts haha.... Well my BU story goes a month before the actual BU, I found a written draft of my current ex writing to herself (journal). She told me he ex wrote to her on tumbler anonymously, and she told me how she hates him for trying to ruin what she has with me. Right now we were about ten months in, and several days later I saw the draft she wrote. It was a confession of how she is confused on what she wants, still misses her ex, but loves me and how I treat her. Said some hurtful things about me nothing physical just emotional. Well I confronted her about it and she was upset and started crying, and saying "she's sorry for writing that, and she doesn't understand why haven't I left her over this". Yes I was hurt by this letter, but I'm a forgiving person, and gave her the benefit of the doubt. I was in love with her, and she's the only girl who I have ever fallen in love with. Well everything seemed fine until a month later she ran into her ex at the mall, and I guess they walked around and talked. So we end up breaking up, and she goes back with the ex. The one who left her and realized as soon as she moves on with me he wants her back. It sucks knowing i helped her when she was at her lowest point when I met her, and I mended her broken heart back together. She said I know the pain your going through and I understand how it feels deeply. But in truth you know some of the pain but not when the one you gave your all to just leaves you for not just another guy, but her ex. She's 18 and Im 21, she broke up with me on November 17th last year. Right about when it hit Jan 9th I wrote her an email, stating this letter is for me to move on, how I forgive her, don't hate her, all that **** to make me feel right. She emailed me back the next day at 1am saying she was sorry for breaking my heart, pretty much a well written essay. Stated I was the most perfect boyfriend a girl could ask for "you spooled me, fed me, held me, reassured me, and most importantly loved me. And I couldn't appreciate that in the way you deserved". So pretty much how Im a good guy and wishes me luck in life. After that its been full NC, i still miss her today but the pain is going away. I wish she would realize what she had, but give it time. I guess she will have to go through a break up with her ex again to actually see it maybe. It hurts cause I know she is happy with her ex again, while Im healing by-myself and making sure I don't use someone else as a crutch. But my pride is hurt though cause I see her ex at the gym, and man she left this tiny boy for me. Im twice his size, tall, and built, and it makes me laugh real hard when I realize this when I see him. Love works in strange ways.
lovebug_5858 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Can any guys chime in on this situation and explain, exactly, why he put so much effort into something if he didn't think we had a future? Why jump through so many hoops for me and force yourself to do things you don't even want to do? AND WHY BLAME ME AFTER? My ex did this to me, he came back to me after 3/4 months of NC, with about 3 days of contact within that time, and I was soo done with him. He would come back within my NC periods just to see if I was still there, if I still loved him (which I did obviously, and stupidly always admitted) but when he came back I rejected him, and he did all that " I miss you... I just want you to be my girlfriend, I dont want you to find someone else" blah blah blah. Only to break my heart all over again within 3 months. I can't answer your question, there is no logical explanation. Maybe they're just bored... have nothing better to do with their time. Miss having someone... I know thats why my ex does it. Then when it gets too serious they bail. They only come back for the honeymoon stage, and then when they realize all the same issues are there and realize they aren't man enough to actually work through it they leave.
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 He would literally take something innocent that I said and flip out and turn it into me attacking him and everything being my fault. He is also depressed (won't seek help ironically enough because him family doesn't *talk* about their problems). Omg yes. Exact same thing here. The first time he got angry with me - and cancelled us seeing each other - was because I kept joking that he wanted to watch me pee. I like to tease and just say silly things, and he would just get super offended and upset. I'm pretty sure he also has some sort of social phobia and severe anxiety problems, which he also does nothing about...
lovebug_5858 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Omg yes. Exact same thing here. The first time he got angry with me - and cancelled us seeing each other - was because I kept joking that he wanted to watch me pee. I like to tease and just say silly things, and he would just get super offended and upset. I'm pretty sure he also has some sort of social phobia and severe anxiety problems, which he also does nothing about... That is ridiculous! I've definitely had my fair share of that
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 Can any guys chime in on this situation and explain, exactly, why he put so much effort into something if he didn't think we had a future? Why jump through so many hoops for me and force yourself to do things you don't even want to do? AND WHY BLAME ME AFTER? My only thought on this is that I think that there are some people who, naturally, need and crave love like the rest of us, but they are terrified of it at the same time. And when they have it, they loathe it, and they loathe us because they're vulnerable to us. I definitely think my ex is this way.
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 They only come back for the honeymoon stage, and then when they realize all the same issues are there and realize they aren't man enough to actually work through it they leave. Amen to that - with mine it's like once he realized how I truly had changed and truly meant to work on our actual problems, the more he became hellbent to just refuse to try any longer.
darkbloom Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Omg yes. Exact same thing here. The first time he got angry with me - and cancelled us seeing each other - was because I kept joking that he wanted to watch me pee. I like to tease and just say silly things, and he would just get super offended and upset. I'm pretty sure he also has some sort of social phobia and severe anxiety problems, which he also does nothing about... Agree 1000%. He would get so mad if I joked and made fun of him for his obsession with things. He would get so offended. My ex is socially awkward and finds it really hard to just be in a social situation. If anyone ever thought he was gay he would flip out. His mom was joking with him and called him gay at the dinner table one night. He got so upset at her. He literally cannot take anyone teasing him.
darkbloom Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Also JustDeadInside, if you ever need to talk to someone please PM me. If you feel like contacting the evil ex, don't do it. Talk to someone on here instead. I am sending digital hugs and good vibes your way.
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 Agree 1000%. He would get so mad if I joked and made fun of him for his obsession with things. He would get so offended. My ex is socially awkward and finds it really hard to just be in a social situation. If anyone ever thought he was gay he would flip out. His mom was joking with him and called him gay at the dinner table one night. He got so upset at her. He literally cannot take anyone teasing him. It's amazing how similar our exes are. One time mine was telling me something about a day in class, and said the teacher had made him the butt of a joke. When he explained what had happened, it wasn't the case at all. I am steadily getting closer to having PM enabled! Will definitely take you up on that when I do (and when you do as well lol)
darkbloom Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 It's amazing how similar our exes are. One time mine was telling me something about a day in class, and said the teacher had made him the butt of a joke. When he explained what had happened, it wasn't the case at all. I am steadily getting closer to having PM enabled! Will definitely take you up on that when I do (and when you do as well lol) I'm working on it! I've been a long time lurker but I've just recently realized that someone might be able to benefit through the stuff that has happened to me. Maybe we were dating the same person?? I'm being strong though. No contact whatsoever.
Eighty_nine Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 OP and dark bloom, I've been through exactly what you're describing. Maybe I'll share some of the horror stories tomorrow. I literally ran into him YESTERDAY (4-5 mos later) and felt nothing. Not a thing! I'm also in love with someone else now, but still. Look forward to that!
darkbloom Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 OP and dark bloom, I've been through exactly what you're describing. Maybe I'll share some of the horror stories tomorrow. I literally ran into him YESTERDAY (4-5 mos later) and felt nothing. Not a thing! I'm also in love with someone else now, but still. Look forward to that! Please share. I have a lot of mutual friends with my ex. I haven't figured out how to let everyone know without it being drama. So I am still included in group texts with him. I delete them immediately. But I'm curious to hear your stories!!!
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 Same here, it has definitely helped to hear about other people having been through something so similar - it definitely made me feel less alone and crazy. And it has also put me on guard about what to expect in the future.
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 7, 2015 Author Posted February 7, 2015 Well today my workplace blocked out this site out of the blue so I couldn't post on here. I just about had a panic attack towards the end of the day. I can't get any work done and it's piling up all around me. After when I got to my car I just screamed and bawled hysterically all the way home. Good times.
darkbloom Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 Well today my workplace blocked out this site out of the blue so I couldn't post on here. I just about had a panic attack towards the end of the day. I can't get any work done and it's piling up all around me. After when I got to my car I just screamed and bawled hysterically all the way home. Good times. Try going around the filters by googling loveshack and clicking on the archived page. On your lunch break you should meditate. Clearing your mind and focusing on your breathing will help. I did better today but I'm still angry that he's not profusely apologizing for all the crap he did. I'm excited to go back to work tomorrow so I don't have to focus on the anger.
Eighty_nine Posted February 7, 2015 Posted February 7, 2015 I haven't had a chance to post about my ex, but I'm thinking of you girls. Hang in there.
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 Well I have 50 posts and it seems I still don't have private messages abilities. Which sucks because I would really really like to have them. Does anyone know what the post count has to reach to get them enabled?
darkbloom Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Keep posting! I'm trying to get my posts up but I want to make sure they are relevant and thoughtful and that takes time!
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