Rainoflight Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I'm back at work and it's taking everything I have not to burst into tears, throw up, anything... I am a complete wreck and at this moment I just wish I was dead. I was better last night but not anymore. That's all I guess. You will still have this. It is like a real addiction you know? The first thew days, you will have all the weird feelings in the world. Keep on doing what you did yesterday and you will be fine.
Crampaholic Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Try meditation, it has helped me. Cry, a lot! cry till you have no more tears left. Feel angry! hit a pillow! write! just let all the emotions out, the good and the bad ones. It'll make you feel better! And keep going to work and continue your life, go out! chat with friends! never forget your life and specially never forget about you. Love yourself, go to the gym! eat healthy, treat yourself! You will end up being like a phoenix. You'll see!
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 Thanks guys. Being OK just seems impossible to see at this moment. Everything reminds me of him, I'm having constant flashbacks and I just feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I can't stand being alone and I can't stand being around anyone either. I'm counting down the time to my lunch hour so I can go to my car and cry my eyes out. Should I get put on meds?
JonjMie Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I bought some natural US products called Calms and drunk a lot of cold water, at work I breathed deeply and when I felt crap I talked to my mates and sometimes locked myself in the toilet for half hour, it gets better, first two weeks are the very worst, then disapates slowly.
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 I would like to go to the toilet and cry but I'm afraid everyone will notice, my nose gets all red
JonjMie Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I would like to go to the toilet and cry but I'm afraid everyone will notice, my nose gets all red So what, they might just say are you OK, dont be afraid to share your feelings within reason at work, colelagues might reach out to you.
stillafool Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I don't think it's a good idea to hide this bu from your family and friends. You need their support right now. I know this is hard and that is how break ups are but you will feel better. If you really feel you can't handle it make an appointment with a therapist to help you through this. Please let your family know what you are going through. Believe it or not it is a good thing you are blocked from finding out anymore information about them because that will just feed your anxiety. 1
Crampaholic Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Don't rely on meds. I've always thought that relying on meds gives you some kind of placebo tranquility... but you just don't heal correctly. Try drinking tea, eat what you love! just pamper yourself!
Eighty_nine Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I have a story I want to share with you... I was in a "relationship" for about 10 months. When it was good it felt so special, so bonded, great sex blah blah. When it was bad it was a NIGHTMARE. He'd break up with me on and off, lie about talking to other women, etc. It got worse toward the end and he said the kind of things to me that you're describing. Also he loved calling me "crazy" for normal behavior. Ended things with me in a terribly harsh way but then would always come back. Then say the same kind of stuff, how happy he was without me, that I gave him panic attacks, etc. Like you mentioned, he'd say terrible things and then a little while text me something totally casual "I started that book you suggested I'd read" or something. It was SO RIDICULOUS like... you're seriously talking to me normally now?? This guy totally crushed me, my life was a mess. In the end it was me who ended things, because of how terribly he was behaving. The first month was hell on earth, and I am not exaggerating. I broke NC a couple of times... texted him once, responded to a message from him another time. I read lots of self help ish books for people involved with abusive partners, read dating books, tried to get my dignity back because really, he took it all. It's now 5 months since I decided to cut him off once and for all. I ran into him in the grocery store yesterday. From a distance, I saw him and felt mildly wistful. Then I saw him up close, his face. All of the terrible things he said and did to me came rushing back. I felt NOTHING for him, nothing at all, except a bit of disgust that I let him treat me that way. I looked at him and saw a pathetic, abusive, shell of a person (which he is). Also, I'm in a new relationship with a wonderful person. I'm in love and happy. You will feel dead inside- it's a hellish, empty experience. But just a few months from now it will be SO, SO worth it. Please hang in there, PM me if you want. 1
darkbloom Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Don't worry, it gets better. I promise. You feel ashamed and foolish for being led on like that but eventually you will understand that it's HIS loss and his insecurities that led him to say the awful things he said. No contact will give you back the control and the power you need. I have been no contact over 40 days now and I can honestly say I am in the best place emotionally I have been in four years. Yes, I still miss him. Yes, I wish he would beat down my door and apologize for all of the hurtful things he said. Am I going to be okay if I never see him again? Yes, I am. And so will you. Hold you head up and focus on you. The first two weeks are hard, but it gets easier. Stay busy. I'm sending good thoughts and positive vibes your way.
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 No meds. Focus on what he did to you. That's so hard to do when it feels like I am the reason things got to this point to begin with
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 JonjMie - I lied and said I wasn't coming to work these days because I was sick with fever. I was sick alright...but if they see me crying, they'll know the truth and I'm not sure what that would cause Stillafool - I am looking into talking to a professional. I definitely think it's necessary Crampaholic - I wish I could, I am actually a big foodie and I love cooking and now I can hardly stand to ingest anything solid. I truly don't feel like doing anything, and anything uplifting makes me want to bawl my eyes out. I am desperately looking for something nostalgic to do, anything at all that would have no chance of reminding me of him in any way Darkbloom - did he ever try to reach out at all?
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 I have a story I want to share with you... I was in a "relationship" for about 10 months. When it was good it felt so special, so bonded, great sex blah blah. When it was bad it was a NIGHTMARE. He'd break up with me on and off, lie about talking to other women, etc. It got worse toward the end and he said the kind of things to me that you're describing. Also he loved calling me "crazy" for normal behavior. Ended things with me in a terribly harsh way but then would always come back. Then say the same kind of stuff, how happy he was without me, that I gave him panic attacks, etc. Like you mentioned, he'd say terrible things and then a little while text me something totally casual "I started that book you suggested I'd read" or something. It was SO RIDICULOUS like... you're seriously talking to me normally now?? Lissvarna I appreciate your story, reading about situations similar to mine are always comforting. To be honest I almost wish he would come back - not just because yeah feeling the false hope would be a serious fix, but because maybe then it would help me see him as being truly unstable and full of it. As it is, it feels like he has been trying to get rid of me the lousy parasite for weeks now, and I have just been a thorn in his side, clinging on. I would be beyond stunned if he contacted me, and I think it would make me lose that much more respect for him - which would be good. I wish I could PM you but I don't think I have those capabilities yet - how many posts does one need before one can PM?
Eighty_nine Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Lissvarna I appreciate your story, reading about situations similar to mine are always comforting. To be honest I almost wish he would come back - not just because yeah feeling the false hope would be a serious fix, but because maybe then it would help me see him as being truly unstable and full of it. As it is, it feels like he has been trying to get rid of me the lousy parasite for weeks now, and I have just been a thorn in his side, clinging on. I would be beyond stunned if he contacted me, and I think it would make me lose that much more respect for him - which would be good. I wish I could PM you but I don't think I have those capabilities yet - how many posts does one need before one can PM? I think 50. My ex 100% cut me out of his life overnight last March. You can imagine my devastation. I got desperate, gave up, but then still periodically contacted him. I got yelled at or ignored. Then he texted me in June. I deluded myself into thinking he missed me (pretty sure he just wanted to get laid). I took him back, things were good for a couple weeks then the nightmare continued. August 16th I made the choice to end it. He texted me a couple times, totally breadcrumbs. I broke NC and suffered more. Last contact was September 9 & best decision I've ever made.
Rainoflight Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 That's so hard to do when it feels like I am the reason things got to this point to begin with I don't want to give you my example, i am not worthy, you can see on my thread if you want. Monday it will be 21 days since my break-up. I wake up with her in my mind and fall asleep again with her in my head. It is hard, i am many times bipolar, but something in me is trying to get out, something in me is pushing me to go further, to know that i will land again on my feet. Trust me, cry, cry your eyes out, but you will get through. He did not deserve you, never did. Come on, get up, everyone is rooting for you. Go out, keep your mind occupied.
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 I think 50. My ex 100% cut me out of his life overnight last March. You can imagine my devastation. I got desperate, gave up, but then still periodically contacted him. I got yelled at or ignored. Then he texted me in June. I deluded myself into thinking he missed me (pretty sure he just wanted to get laid). I took him back, things were good for a couple weeks then the nightmare continued. August 16th I made the choice to end it. He texted me a couple times, totally breadcrumbs. I broke NC and suffered more. Last contact was September 9 & best decision I've ever made. Good, well I'm almost there I guess. I feel like my ex's decision was set in stone, but I guess we all do - then you see updates months later talking about the ex contacted them. They probably never would have guessed either, back when they wrote that first post. There are things that make me think there is a possibility, however small, that I will hear from him again at some point. This is the first time I'm giving him what he supposedly wants soooooo bad - to leave him alone. He probably thinks I am incapable of even that. These last weeks since the BU, I was giving him massive ego boosts. I refused to let him walk away seeing me as the bad-mouthed bad-tempered person who he felt justified walking away from. I did nothing but act kind and supportive. Yeah I acted like a desperate irrational nut when we had our two blow ups about reconciling, but I still never lost my temper no matter what he said. I promised him the world right to the very end because in the event his fabulous new life free from me isn't what he thought it would be cracked up to be, I wanted that to haunt him. I don't know if he said the bit about his ex just to knife me in the heart, but if he's really trying to just volley back over to the only other girl he has ever been with, since he is virtually incapable of meeting new people, that just goes to show how needy he is. That girl dumped him after two months because he wanted to eat lunch with her every day. He's going to try to fill the void with that? Yeah okay. And if any of that is true, when she kicks him to the curb yet again, I want him to remember the things I said and feel stupid as hell. I could see him crawling back after that. Or possibly even before, if she wants no romantic involvement with him to begin with. Who's going to encourage him that he will do well in calculus against all odds? Who's going to tell him he's so smart? Who is he going to share his test results with so they can say they knew he could do it? Who's going to make it seem like he's so talented at everything he does? I guess maybe one of his friends can, but it won't be someone he knows adores him and wants nothing more than to be with him. It won't be the same. Plus he stuck around for two months still talking to me - no matter what he says, no matter how much he claims he hated it and I was just a "parasite", he was getting something out of that. Something totally dysfunctional but something nonetheless. I think someone who truly doesn't get some sort of high off of stress and drama wouldn't have even stuck around. I wish I could fast forward to find out what happens.
darkbloom Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 Yes, he did. I've done no contact on him three separate times. He caved every time. I would respond and we would end up in the same dance of him leading me on with breadcrumbs and me getting my hopes up. This went on for two years. I finally found out that he was sleeping with another girl at the same time as me even though I thought we were doing better. It ended in a huge blow up fight where I said some horrible things that he probably needed to hear but did not present me in the best light. I've done strict no contact since then and he hasn't reached out. This is the longest I've been without talking to him in 4 years. I think he's scared to reach out to me. But I've decided that I don't need that type of insecurity or someone who is not 100% about me in my life. I do wish he could apologize for the things he said, but it would be better for me emotionally if he never contacted me again. My head is smart and my heart is not. 1
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 I don't want to give you my example, i am not worthy, you can see on my thread if you want. Monday it will be 21 days since my break-up. I wake up with her in my mind and fall asleep again with her in my head. It is hard, i am many times bipolar, but something in me is trying to get out, something in me is pushing me to go further, to know that i will land again on my feet. Trust me, cry, cry your eyes out, but you will get through. He did not deserve you, never did. Come on, get up, everyone is rooting for you. Go out, keep your mind occupied. I can partially agree with you - he doesn't deserve the person I've become now, the one who promised to give him everything he wanted, who just wanted to work things out and heal his pain. Most people swear to change and better themselves but quickly fail - I actually accomplished it and he rejected it. Only an idiot could do that. But rewind to several months ago...I was totally the undeserving one. I really was. I just wanted that one last go to show how different things could be...
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 Yes, he did. I've done no contact on him three separate times. He caved every time. I would respond and we would end up in the same dance of him leading me on with breadcrumbs and me getting my hopes up. This went on for two years. I finally found out that he was sleeping with another girl at the same time as me even though I thought we were doing better. It ended in a huge blow up fight where I said some horrible things that he probably needed to hear but did not present me in the best light. I've done strict no contact since then and he hasn't reached out. This is the longest I've been without talking to him in 4 years. I think he's scared to reach out to me. But I've decided that I don't need that type of insecurity or someone who is not 100% about me in my life. I do wish he could apologize for the things he said, but it would be better for me emotionally if he never contacted me again. My head is smart and my heart is not. That's really horrible - I can't imagine the pain that caused. If I may ask, how was the BU? Did you plead or beg at all or did you just go straight into NC? I wish I had gone into NC unannounced. I just didn't have the strength, plus I was deluded that I was proving something to him. As things stand I feel like NC was his idea and like he still has the upper hand.
tikay00 Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 I've only read a few posts int he last page, so I'm not caught up, but Deadinside, exes always come back, but they don't "come back." So hopefully, that'll at least help you with the worrying. It's your job to move on before they come back, so you can tell them "let's just be friends."
darkbloom Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 That's really horrible - I can't imagine the pain that caused. If I may ask, how was the BU? Did you plead or beg at all or did you just go straight into NC? I wish I had gone into NC unannounced. I just didn't have the strength, plus I was deluded that I was proving something to him. As things stand I feel like NC was his idea and like he still has the upper hand. The very first breakup was April 2013 and was his idea. He said something along the lines of we fight too much and he didn't see a future with me. I pleaded, begged, and cried. Basically humiliated myself. But I was distraught. Went NC for two weeks. He texted me and we started right back where we left off. Except he put in more effort. When I would question him about where it was going he remained firm that he did not want to get back together. I would pull away and he would put forth a lot of effort and apologize. He broke it off again this last March. He still continued to text me and wanted to hang out all the time. He invited me to his parents house every weekend for family dinner. It was basically like we were still going out except we stopped hooking up. I didn't question him about what we were doing because I didn't want to be rejected again. Fast forward to October, he really steps it up. Acting super boyfriendy and doing things he NEVER did when we were officially together. It was strange and I got my hopes up. In December we got into a fight because I found out he lied about going out when he told me he was staying in. He ended it again. I went NC for a week until a mutual friend of ours told me that he had been sleeping with one of the girls he worked with. I broke NC and told him to meet me at my house. I confronted him about the girl and told him not to lie. He admitted it. I walked away and he followed me apologizing profusely. I told him what a terrible person he was and that he didn't have any real friends and that he's end up just like his father. He begged and pleaded for me not to do this. I drove away and went NC. Blocked him on everything. I haven't heard from him since. That was dec 22.
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 I've only read a few posts int he last page, so I'm not caught up, but Deadinside, exes always come back, but they don't "come back." So hopefully, that'll at least help you with the worrying. It's your job to move on before they come back, so you can tell them "let's just be friends." Or better yet, just parrot back what he said to me, "I can't pretend you didn't hurt me, so how can you expect me to have any sort of relationship with you?" It would be pretty amusing if he reached out, after all those things he said. 1
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 The very first breakup was April 2013 and was his idea. He said something along the lines of we fight too much and he didn't see a future with me. I pleaded, begged, and cried. Basically humiliated myself. But I was distraught. Went NC for two weeks. He texted me and we started right back where we left off. Except he put in more effort. When I would question him about where it was going he remained firm that he did not want to get back together. I would pull away and he would put forth a lot of effort and apologize. He broke it off again this last March. He still continued to text me and wanted to hang out all the time. He invited me to his parents house every weekend for family dinner. It was basically like we were still going out except we stopped hooking up. I didn't question him about what we were doing because I didn't want to be rejected again. Fast forward to October, he really steps it up. Acting super boyfriendy and doing things he NEVER did when we were officially together. It was strange and I got my hopes up. In December we got into a fight because I found out he lied about going out when he told me he was staying in. He ended it again. I went NC for a week until a mutual friend of ours told me that he had been sleeping with one of the girls he worked with. I broke NC and told him to meet me at my house. I confronted him about the girl and told him not to lie. He admitted it. I walked away and he followed me apologizing profusely. I told him what a terrible person he was and that he didn't have any real friends and that he's end up just like his father. He begged and pleaded for me not to do this. I drove away and went NC. Blocked him on everything. I haven't heard from him since. That was dec 22. That sounds a lot like what happened to me, except mine didn't get to the level yours did. It ended because we fought too much, and now there is the touch of not seeing a future with me because of our age difference. I kept texting him to try to keep a friendship going and it got to the point where he was initiating plenty of texts himself, which is why I can't believe he had the gall to say he made a face when I'd text him. Please. :mad: He would also make these comments when we fought, that sort of made it sound like a splinter of a chance existed, but what I'd just done/said right that instant totally ruined it. That made me inconsolable, it was like torture. I wanted to see him but he refused to. It killed me that he was acting all interested in talking to me and then would be adamant that he just wanted me to "outgrow" him and "move on", so I can't imagine how painful it would be if he was still willing to see me or go out with me. When your ex got "super boyfriendy" in October, did you guys actually hook up or kiss or anything?
darkbloom Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 That sounds a lot like what happened to me, except mine didn't get to the level yours did. It ended because we fought too much, and now there is the touch of not seeing a future with me because of our age difference. I kept texting him to try to keep a friendship going and it got to the point where he was initiating plenty of texts himself, which is why I can't believe he had the gall to say he made a face when I'd text him. Please. :mad: He would also make these comments when we fought, that sort of made it sound like a splinter of a chance existed, but what I'd just done/said right that instant totally ruined it. That made me inconsolable, it was like torture. I wanted to see him but he refused to. It killed me that he was acting all interested in talking to me and then would be adamant that he just wanted me to "outgrow" him and "move on", so I can't imagine how painful it would be if he was still willing to see me or go out with me. When your ex got "super boyfriendy" in October, did you guys actually hook up or kiss or anything? It sounds like you and I were in the same place. When we would fight he would make comments about how he can't stand the fighting and this is why it won't work. But now that I've had some time to clear my head, the fighting was his way of manipulating the situation so it wouldn't work. And so he could hook up with this girl on the side while we were fighting. We hadn't had sex since March. In October that all changed. He hates haunted houses and doesn't like PDA but he offered to take me when a bunch of my friends wanted to go. When we were there he was all over me. And then the following weekend, he went as my date to my best friends wedding. He was overly nice to me at the wedding. He danced with me (he doesn't dance), took off my shoes and massaged my feet, kept Jumping up to get me things. And when the bride and I got into a fight, he hugged me and held my hand through the rest of the night. When we got back to his house we had sex. The next morning, he took me to breakfast and spent the day hanging out with me and the bridal party at the pool. By far the strangest night was at the end of October. Our mutual friend was in town and wanted us and a bunch of others to meet at a club downtown where a dj he wanted to see was playing. When we got to the club, he payed for both our tickets even though I offered to pay for my own since they wern't cheap. He then bought me drinks and took me to the dance floor. The entire night he was touching me or rubbing my back or dancing with me. Our mutual friends kept asking if we were bf/gf again by his behavior. We ended up back at his parents house because he was dog sitting for them while they were out of town. We hooked up again that night. The next morning I got up early to let the dogs out so he could sleep. I feel asleep on the couch with the dogs and he went out and got me a coffee from my favorite coffee shop. When he got back he made me breakfast before I had to go to work. (He had NEVER made me breakfast or went out and got me coffee the entire time we have known each other.) I went to work and he showed up later with lunch for me and an iced tea. He hung out at my work and waited until I got off to take me to dinner. He said really nice things to me the entire night. I was SO confused. When I brought this up during the breakup he said he didn't mean any of those nice things and I can't be expected to trust things he says when he was drunk. Which makes no sense because he wasn't drunk when he said those things and he went ENTIRELY out of his way to be nice to me. why the hell does he say those things to me and then do the exact opposite? Needless to say, I was a hot mess after the breakup. Anxiety and panic attacks at work. Just trying to figure it all out.
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