JustDeadInside Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Hi everyone. I'm here because I literally have no one to talk to about this and I am devastated, as I am sure many of you are, from what I have read in these few moments before posting. I want to come here to keep up my resolve to be strong. I've never done NC before...but after today, I think I have to. I'm one of those people who got screwed over thinking I had a chance to get back together with my ex, only to be completely slapped in the face with the humiliating truth. He broke up with me in December. Why? Because I was an idiot and took him for granted, and I had a nasty temper. Now he says it's because I can't give him what he wants - even though he never even told me what he wanted, nor gave me a chance to give it. But we stayed in touch. We saw each other briefly 12 days after that and he admitted to missing me but then I got emotional and it turned into a huge argument where he finally agreed to "hear me out" if I didn't text him for the next two days. So I didn't. The two days passed and I didn't bring up the subject because I thought it would be better just to cool off for a while and instead have a lot of positive interactions. Fast forward almost two months to today, we'd kept in touch and our relationship was improving...or so I thought. To make a long story short, I found out he has been keeping in touch with his ex - which, when we were still together, he claimed he only talked to his male friends, I don't know if he was lying all along or what. I didn't know it was his ex, I thought it was someone new, either way it killed me, I felt like an utter FOOL - this led to me finally bringing up the topic of us and then he blasts me with this cockamamey story that he had been waiting for me to bring it up all this time and that I was "stalling" and that I lost my chance. Saying how this and that (suddenly) was "the last straw" (even though everything has been FINE for 6 weeks almost), and now he's "really done". I don't think he ever planned on giving me a chance for anything, it would have been the same thing, just sooner. And all the things I read on the forums were right. I made life easier for him, I let him use me as a crutch to get over me, meanwhile I was sitting there deluding myself with every little crumb he threw my way. I can't believe it. I'm still in shock. Needless to say I begged for hours. I didn't lose my temper, I just pleaded, over and over. And the things he said to me... the awful things he said. I feel like I should go NC at the very least because no sane person should want to talk to someone after that. Amongst them telling me he made a face every time I texted him - even though HE had begun to initiate texts at least half the time, to talk to me about his school or some TV show he was watching! He was keeping our contact going and yet he tells me this! I am mortified!! He cussed at me, said I was a parasite, told me he was interested in his ex, pretty much implied I was a slut, that he had no mercy left for me, told me countless times that all he wanted was for me to leave him alone (he said that before, yet, here we are.), that he regrets every moment we spent together, that those two days I didn't text him he was relaxed and happy for the first time in months. It puts me into shock just typing that. Then one of the last things he texts me after all of this is oh, turn to such and such channel, your favorite actor is there. Like...how can you say that, all casually, after everything else, knowing I'm pretty much bleeding out emotionally. He supposedly doesn't want to talk to me anymore after today. That's what he said earlier. And I believe if I say anything after all of this, my image as a completely and utterly pathetic loser without even the slightest shred of integrity or self esteem will be forever cemented. And I shouldn't want to talk to him. Not after that. Thats why I want to come here and post and just have it be a diary of my progress. I hope I can also be of good support to those who need it, even if right now I am in pieces. If any of this doesn't make sense please feel free to ask me anything. Thanks to whoever has read this and I hope it made you feel less alone.
Jl321 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I know it's hard especially when they say nasty things to you but look at yourself from an outside perspective. Does it make you happy that you're needy and insecure? Do you like to be stepped on by someone you loved? Don't pay no mind to him. Your life is not about him, it's about you. If you don't like that you're needy or insecure or whatever, do you think he's going to like it? You need to take care of yourself. Trust me, I know it's hard but you really need to find it in you and realize that you are what's important here. Everything from this point on has to be about you. Be selfish, do all the things you want to do, accomplish all the goals you want to accomplish. Heal yourself, read books, think about what you want to improve on and improve them. This will take weeks, months, even years but in the end it's all for your happiness. I suggest you completely cut yourself out of his life. Get rid of all things that have an attachment towards him. Don't contact him for ANY reason whatsoever for at least 30 days. Whether you want him back or not, this is what you need to do. There's no going around it. I just reached day 30 of NC and it sucks. I'll sit at home alone thinking about what she's doing then I'll force myself to say "**** her, I'll prove her wrong!" then proceed to get up and accomplish my goals. I'm sorry you're going through this but we're all on the same boat. Only thing we can do is help each other through and through.
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Hi Jl321, thanks for your response. I agree with you...I know I have to make everything about myself. I had actually begun to, sort of, a couple of weeks ago. But then he started texting me more and I thought it meant something...next thing you know, I was revolving around him again. I feel so stupid but I guess I needed to find out the hard way. I just have to keep remembering the things he said. Oh yeah, something about destroying or burning his belongings so not a trace of me remains? And the part about how I should have "kept it in [my] skirt". And his ex. To think I have been sitting here providing any sort of backburner comfort while he fantasizes about some reunion with her makes me feel so disgusting inside, you can't even imagine. And she dumped him after like two months because she didn't want to spend time with him every day at uni. Yeah, enjoy pursuing that, buddy. It must have been lovely having me there as backup, adoring him. Can I expect that he will try to contact me, even after all that he has said? Do even the vilest exes do that? Has yours tried to?
Rainoflight Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I just have to keep remembering the things he said [...] Here is what you need to go NC and work on yourself. Do not forget what he said, never. Use that in your healing until it will become something that is just meh. Stay strong, go NC and most of all, build yourself to be ready when he will reach out. It can be tomorrow, it can be in 3 years, but he will.
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Here is what you need to go NC and work on yourself. Do not forget what he said, never. Use that in your healing until it will become something that is just meh. Stay strong, go NC and most of all, build yourself to be ready when he will reach out. It can be tomorrow, it can be in 3 years, but he will. Rainoflight, thanks for your response. The thought of him reaching out scares me because I can't imagine being able to just not respond. It's hard enough trying not to initiate any contact with him. Even though I should despise him. It would feed into my desperation to feel like he is even slightly sorry, like he even slightly cares or misses me. Especially after he said I was now "on my own" to heal and he didn't want to talk to me or see me ever again. He would have absolutely no excuse to contact me. How could I not get instantly sucked into that. I would be utterly helpless. At least with me not initiating, I can remember his claims of cringing when I'd text him and that's enough to humiliate me into holding off...
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 I woke up at about 5 a.m. this morning after falling asleep at maybe 1:30 a.m. I remembered everything and my adrenaline shot up and so obviously I couldn't get back to sleep. I was burning up and sweating but when I don't cover up, I feel freezing cold. This keeps going on back and forth. I've decided to take a sick day from work. I will be useless if I go. Even as I sit here in the dark I have tears streaming down my face. Thoughts of him, of us together, keep invading my mind. Literally the only thing that makes me feel better is reading the posts on here and typing this out. I have all sorts of horrible wishes popping into my head. Things I won't do, but just wish nevertheless. I wish I could contact his little ex and tell her all the things he told me, so he can't run to her and act all sweet and virginal and like he's never done or said or felt this or that before, with his new confidence and overblown ego that he now has thanks to me. I wish I could take the book he suggested to me, which he now claims was a sort of farewell gift to help me be a "better person" and more stable, cut it into confetti, and throw it in his yard, along with the leftover condoms that he didn't want to use anymore. Sometimes I start convincing myself that I should take the book and stick it in his mailbox some night, as a gesture of what I think of him and his phony goodwill. I can't believe the extent to which I deluded myself that things were headed towards a reconciliation. It just goes to show the degree to which one will see whatever they need to see. Someone please tell me it was partly his fault, that he was sending mixed signals. Any time I texted, he always responded, usually immediately. And he began texting me as well, sharing things with me. I sometimes had the sensation that he didn't want me to just give up and go away...which I would have done (seriously) if he had just never really texted me back and had shown clear disinterest. Part of me feels like he is pissed off I found out about his ex and realizing he wouldn't be able to keep me as an oblivious adoring idiot Plan B anymore while he takes his chances with her. Part of me can even imagine him finding some stupid reason to contact me after some time - either with some random bit of information, or to pointlessly rehash something I said. For example, last night after the conversation died down a bit, I just said "where are you" and he said home, then added that he wouldn't have been able to go out with me on Valentine's Day anyway - something I had said hours earlier. Well no shxt, you've been telling me that you hate me. Why even say that then? It just makes me feel like he mulls over the things I say to him. Or why did he tell me to turn to a specific channel, that my favorite actor is on there...knowing full well by that point, at his admission, that his "friendly" behavior had misled me into thinking that I stood a snowball's chance in hell of us getting back together? Part of me believes he gets off on my undying love for him more than he even realizes and that he'll regret it once I'm not around for him to text when he is bored or however the hell he felt when he texted me. Yeah I admit it, it's probably wistful thinking as well. Even if it was pointless, it would ease the pain, even if for a little bit. I know this all sounds pathetic. Believe me, I can't wait to be able to not care why he said this or did this or what does this mean. I've been living that way since the BU and at times I've felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. 1
Rainoflight Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Rainoflight, thanks for your response. The thought of him reaching out scares me because I can't imagine being able to just not respond. It's hard enough trying not to initiate any contact with him. Even though I should despise him. It would feed into my desperation to feel like he is even slightly sorry, like he even slightly cares or misses me. Especially after he said I was now "on my own" to heal and he didn't want to talk to me or see me ever again. He would have absolutely no excuse to contact me. How could I not get instantly sucked into that. I would be utterly helpless. At least with me not initiating, I can remember his claims of cringing when I'd text him and that's enough to humiliate me into holding off... I know the feeling, but you have to stay strong. When you spoke with him, did you said everything you needed? Because from what i read, it sounded like you left him roll you over. I broke NC and i felt good, because i had the opportunity to say everything i needed to say and her respons was what i needed to see she does not care how i do. I do not suggest you schould do the same, but i think you need to speak out loud. At this point, he considers you clingy and took you for granted. Keeping your mind occupied, that will get you through. Stay focus, PM anyone here and you will get a solid response.
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 I know the feeling, but you have to stay strong. When you spoke with him, did you said everything you needed? Because from what i read, it sounded like you left him roll you over. I broke NC and i felt good, because i had the opportunity to say everything i needed to say and her respons was what i needed to see she does not care how i do. I do not suggest you schould do the same, but i think you need to speak out loud. At this point, he considers you clingy and took you for granted. Keeping your mind occupied, that will get you through. Stay focus, PM anyone here and you will get a solid response. There's lots of things I would like to say to him, mostly expletives. But I refused to, because that's how I would get when we would get into arguments. He was super passive aggressive and I'd just blow up and say all sorts of horrible things. I didn't want to be that person anymore. I know it would just make him feel justified. If the day ever comes where he regrets all of this, I want his last impression of me to be that - someone he couldn't provoke to anger no matter how hard he tried, who wanted nothing more than to offer him unconditional love. Not to be able to look back and feel like he was right. I'll be damned if I let him think that. Part of me wants to text him and tell him he is right, we shouldn't have anything to do with each other, especially after the horrific things he said and the way he essentially used me for emotional comfort for these weeks. But I know it wouldn't be for the right reason. I'd just say that in the hopes that it would hurt him and he would try to convince me otherwise. That's why I'd rather just do my best to just drop off the face of the earth. I still can't believe the part about his ex. He was obviously hoping to rebound with her while I just sat there. The times he texted me were probably when he couldn't reach her or something. It makes me literally sick. :sick:
na49 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 After a sleepless night myself, I am right there with you. My situation may not be exactly the same, but I was dumped for the second time by the same girl. She left me once and came knocking for me again 6 months later. I took her back and things were great. Until they weren't. She decided to rip my heart out again, and I'm back at the beginning of my healing process feeling lost and alone like I did the first time. I did learn a lot from the first time she left. I blocked her everywhere for my own sanity. I can't handle the disappointment of every time I hear my phone go off, having my heart race and hoping against hope that it is her. (only to find that it's not) I removed all pictures of us on Facebook (which I didn't do the first time), I got rid of most reminders of her. I kept some of the things because I liked them. I'm going NC because it's all that I can do. I don't want to chase someone who doesn't want me. I didn't chase her the first time, and I won't chase her this time. She's missing out on the only guy who will put up with all of her problems. (at least that's what I tell myself ) Will your ex contact you? Probably. They all do. He may want you back, he may not. No amount of begging and pleading will convince him though. Take this time for yourself, and see what happens. Try to focus on yourself as hard as that is right now.
Rainoflight Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 There's lots of things I would like to say to him, mostly expletives. But I refused to, because that's how I would get when we would get into arguments. He was super passive aggressive and I'd just blow up and say all sorts of horrible things. I didn't want to be that person anymore. I know it would just make him feel justified. If the day ever comes where he regrets all of this, I want his last impression of me to be that - someone he couldn't provoke to anger no matter how hard he tried, who wanted nothing more than to offer him unconditional love. Not to be able to look back and feel like he was right. I'll be damned if I let him think that. Part of me wants to text him and tell him he is right, we shouldn't have anything to do with each other, especially after the horrific things he said and the way he essentially used me for emotional comfort for these weeks. But I know it wouldn't be for the right reason. I'd just say that in the hopes that it would hurt him and he would try to convince me otherwise. That's why I'd rather just do my best to just drop off the face of the earth. I still can't believe the part about his ex. He was obviously hoping to rebound with her while I just sat there. The times he texted me were probably when he couldn't reach her or something. It makes me literally sick. :sick: Do that, but to succede, you need to keep things under control. Go out, concentrate on work. I understood you stayed home from work, use it to go out, meet a friend, talk out loud about him, just do it and it will be fine. Day by day. By now i think you know what a scum he is. This is progress.
Jessie1231 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It may not seem like it now, but you'll get through it. Almost everyone who goes through a break up goes through their own pathetic moments - each in their own way. My last break up was a train wreck. I'm really surprised it didn't end with a restraining order against me. I turned into a total pathetic psycho. It wasn't me, but it felt like I couldn't stop myself. I hated it. I missed so much work because I couldn't manage to function. I remember how I couldn't remember how to get through life as a normal person without him in my life. I was sure I would die. I'm not sad anymore. I don't know how it happened, but one day I realized that every day I spend being sad about him is a day I can't get back. You only have so many days on this world, so why waste one more on someone who doesn't deserve it? That's easier said than done of course, but remind yourself of that. And read through what everyone says on these forums. It's so helpful. You realize that everything you're feeling is something someone else has felt, and people do make it though and come out better because of it. Good luck. 1
JonjMie Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Sorry to hear about your break up, it sucks, I'm on day 28 NC and feel very strong, two weeks ago I was a wreck. All you need to know is that time will make you feel better, get the tears out now, he doesn't deserve you, you will go onto bigger and better things I promise. So start the NC, I'm indifferent now, I'm not that bothered if she contacts me or not, she was lucky to have me, her loss. Keep posting on here it's what has helped me through the last four weeks. Big hugs X 1
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 After a sleepless night myself, I am right there with you. My situation may not be exactly the same, but I was dumped for the second time by the same girl. She left me once and came knocking for me again 6 months later. I took her back and things were great. Until they weren't. She decided to rip my heart out again, and I'm back at the beginning of my healing process feeling lost and alone like I did the first time. I did learn a lot from the first time she left. I blocked her everywhere for my own sanity. I can't handle the disappointment of every time I hear my phone go off, having my heart race and hoping against hope that it is her. (only to find that it's not) I removed all pictures of us on Facebook (which I didn't do the first time), I got rid of most reminders of her. I kept some of the things because I liked them. I'm going NC because it's all that I can do. I don't want to chase someone who doesn't want me. I didn't chase her the first time, and I won't chase her this time. She's missing out on the only guy who will put up with all of her problems. (at least that's what I tell myself ) Will your ex contact you? Probably. They all do. He may want you back, he may not. No amount of begging and pleading will convince him though. Take this time for yourself, and see what happens. Try to focus on yourself as hard as that is right now. Good morning na49, I am glad to have your company. Part of what's keeping me strong is reminding myself that NC is really all that's left to do, and the humiliation that I helped him get over me by being in contact with him. I've read that NC only gets someone back a fraction of the time. But I guess that will tide me over until hopefully I do not care anymore. This is so horrible.
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Do that, but to succede, you need to keep things under control. Go out, concentrate on work. I understood you stayed home from work, use it to go out, meet a friend, talk out loud about him, just do it and it will be fine. Day by day. By now i think you know what a scum he is. This is progress. It helps to hear you call him scum. Other people seeing him that way helps stop me from making excuses.
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 It may not seem like it now, but you'll get through it. Almost everyone who goes through a break up goes through their own pathetic moments - each in their own way. My last break up was a train wreck. I'm really surprised it didn't end with a restraining order against me. I turned into a total pathetic psycho. It wasn't me, but it felt like I couldn't stop myself. I hated it. I missed so much work because I couldn't manage to function. I remember how I couldn't remember how to get through life as a normal person without him in my life. I was sure I would die. I'm not sad anymore. I don't know how it happened, but one day I realized that every day I spend being sad about him is a day I can't get back. You only have so many days on this world, so why waste one more on someone who doesn't deserve it? That's easier said than done of course, but remind yourself of that. And read through what everyone says on these forums. It's so helpful. You realize that everything you're feeling is something someone else has felt, and people do make it though and come out better because of it. Good luck. Jessie, if you don't mind me asking, what happened in your BU? Did he keep you on a string? Did he ever contact you or did you guys ever get back together? I feel near that point, it took all my willpower not to show up at his house unannounced yesterday. Good thing I didn't either, or even say I was going to, because he later said he "won't hesitate to call the police" if I did. More humiliation...
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Sorry to hear about your break up, it sucks, I'm on day 28 NC and feel very strong, two weeks ago I was a wreck. All you need to know is that time will make you feel better, get the tears out now, he doesn't deserve you, you will go onto bigger and better things I promise. So start the NC, I'm indifferent now, I'm not that bothered if she contacts me or not, she was lucky to have me, her loss. Keep posting on here it's what has helped me through the last four weeks. Big hugs X Thank you JonjMie. I can only hope for the same. And I will definitely be here, a lot.
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 So I admit it - it's pathetic but I went to look at his google+ profile again so I could obsess over the photo of his ex. That's how I inadvertently found out about her - she was shown as being in his "circle". He claimed that since they are friends he always adds her to whatever social networking site he may be on. I think that's baloney. She wasn't there back when he added me, back when we first got together - now I wasn't on there and she was. I think he was trying to volley over to her after the BU. It makes me absolutely sick and livid. :sick: Well, all of a sudden she's not there in his profile anymore. So he's removed her, for what? So I wouldn't be able to contact her somehow and ruin his chances? I'd love to believe it's because I was so devastated but yeah right. When I told him my heart was shattered he said he didn't care. I know this is very pathetic but it's my first day. Please humor me with your thoughts. Please feel free to insult him, by the way.
Rainoflight Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It helps to hear you call him scum. Other people seeing him that way helps stop me from making excuses. Listen, he is a scum for what he told you and then went in a heartbeat at his ex. If you break NC, he will have again the upper hand, will tell you stuff that will hurt you a lot. Do you want that? No, of course not. You need to stop looking at his social media accounts. It is for the better. In two weeks from now, you will feel better.
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Listen, he is a scum for what he told you and then went in a heartbeat at his ex. If you break NC, he will have again the upper hand, will tell you stuff that will hurt you a lot. Do you want that? No, of course not. You need to stop looking at his social media accounts. It is for the better. In two weeks from now, you will feel better. I know. I'm just prone to analyzing things to death. It's all I am capable of at the moment. And it helps to hear others verify he had the worst intentions... that's why I asked about this... 1
Rainoflight Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I know. I'm just prone to analyzing things to death. It's all I am capable of at the moment. And it helps to hear others verify he had the worst intentions... that's why I asked about this... We all did the same, but then came a point when we decided not to look, there is when the healing starts.
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 We all did the same, but then came a point when we decided not to look, there is when the healing starts. You know what else hurts...is that I was all into those websites about getting your ex back. They are all so positive and give you so much hope. Just now I googled "my ex hates me" and found a page which makes it sound like, based on all the signs, my ex is still in love with me. It's just horrific. I feel betrayed by all those sites, betrayed by him, I feel like I even betrayed myself.
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) Well, I just spent a good chunk of time stalking my ex's ex on Facebook and any information I could find about her on the internet. While it made me feel better that she does NOT look as good as her stupid google profile photo, I feel sick. I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't not do it. I even feel temptation to contact her, but I definitely won't cross that line into sheer insanity. What a pure hell my life has turned into. Oh, and he didn't take her off the google contacts. He just did something so that his contacts won't show. The purpose still being unknown. I also discovered I am on his contacts, it seems despite our huge fight yesterday at some point he accepted the invitation I ha sent by mistake. Pure hell. I am in hell. Edited February 3, 2015 by JustDeadInside Added Information
Jessie1231 Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 We didn't get back together any. We agreed at first to take a two week break, but from the way he was acting I told him I felt it would be a break up. So after our little "break" I called him and he didn't answer. So I texted him this long explanation of how I would be willing to accept less from him if we could make things work - stupid of me because I didn't deserve less but I was so desperate to hang on to him that I was telling him it was ok. He then told me I was harassing him? I hadn't contacted him in two weeks during our break, then I texted him maybe five times to make up and he called that harassment. It was like he was a different person so quickly. At that point I totally lost it. I told him everything mean and horrible I had ever thought about him. He blocked me on social media and I would assume he blocked my number as well. I regretted it, but now I'm kind of glad I did that because if I hadn't I suppose there's a chance we could have gotten back together which wouldn't have been healthy at all. I did contact him about a month after the mean texts. I emailed and said I was sorry for being so mean and that wasn't the person I really am (I was a little drunk at the time and thought this was a good idea). He never responded but I didn't expect it. So even though I went through a desperate and humiliating phase, I'm sort of glad I did because it worked to assure that I never ended up in a relationship with him again. At the time that seemed awful, but looking back it helped because if I didn't have to deal with the break up then I would have eventually. Our relationship never could have worked.
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 4, 2015 Author Posted February 4, 2015 Jessie, that is a sad story. I was accused of the same, though he still kept texting back. And I understand entirely about someone becoming so different so quickly. I wish I could be like you and think getting back together is a bad idea but I don't...I want him back more than anything in this world and it's killing me. I've stayed home from work for the second day today. It's better than yesterday but only marginally so. I saw he took me off his google+ circle even though I was just in it yesterday and I'm pretty sure he added me only the day before that. Guys, I am desperate. I know this is a BU forum but I am begging someone to please give me any sort of hope, even through private message, that he will reach out at some point, that there is a chance to start over some time in the future, that there is a chance that NC will work where nothing did, anything. I am having an extremely hard time coping with this - I'm virtually eating nothing - and I need someone to talk me off the ledge. I wish I could bawl my eyes out but I am trying to hide this from my family. Please someone give me a helping hand. (please no posts about giving up and moving on, I can't take it. I need hope right now, even if it's just a drop) :(:(
Author JustDeadInside Posted February 5, 2015 Author Posted February 5, 2015 I'm back at work and it's taking everything I have not to burst into tears, throw up, anything... I am a complete wreck and at this moment I just wish I was dead. I was better last night but not anymore. That's all I guess.
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