I've liked this man for nearly 15 years and have said nothing!

[Bibi1798]

Kind of a long read, your time and words are appreciated

 

 

When my family moved cities long ago, I became one of the new kids in fifth grade. I was nervous about the fact that I didn't know anybody, worrying if I would be able to make friends in what I'd heard was a type of neighborhood very different than the one I'd been living in thusfar. It may have taken a long while for me to finally feel comfortable with my new peers (I'm talking years-HS years), but it was rather quickly that I made friends with a few decent classmates. I say decent in that these few people were dorks like me. They didn't like to make fun of people for superficial things such as: not having the clothes, hair texture, body type, last name of the norm in this area-I was chubby and foreign with extremely wild hair. But I had friends who cared about me and I them, so it didn't really matter if I was unpopular/made fun of. I feel as though my ranting has caused me to digress a bit.

 

Back to the first day at this new school. I didn't know anyone, but a teacher told me each grade level waits at a different door to be let into school in the morning. So I made my way around to where I was directed, and my eyes caught a glimpse of somebody, somebody wonderful. He was standing with a group of around 10 other boys. He had a mop of perfect golden strands of curly hair on top of his head, he seemed to effortlessly spin the basketball he brought from home on his forefinger, he smiled and laughed melodiously with his friends. He wasn't very tall in comparison to the others (nor myself), but he stood out to me. It seemed the morning rays were shining only on him.

 

Turns out we were in the same class that year, and though I was very nervous, we talked as much as classmates do. The second quarter of the year came around and I was delighted when the new seating arrangement placed the two of us side-by-side! I was able to look over and see how heavenly his face looked with each smile. I was able to see his talented hand furiously sketch various dragons and such. As I sat next to him, mine were one of the first ears to hear his voice after he quickly raised his hand to answer teacher's questions, a hand which raised almost as quickly as mine. I learned he played the guitar well, and some basketball, he could do various hand stands (which I later learned could've actually been yoga poses).

 

In gym class (my least favorite subject), while others groaned that I caused our team to fall behind in the race or relay, he gave me pieces of advice and words of encouragement. After school, on more than several occasions we walked part way together (usually with others); his street was on the way to mine. Though I don't remember who walked with whom, I remember that time outside of school fondly.

 

Middle school came around and as I was in the advanced level, we had few classes together. In grade six I saw him walking hand-in-hand with a girl I learned to be his girlfriend. Though their relationship didn't last, I felt disheartened as her look was far different than mine. In grade eight we had a class together and he remarked something along the line of 'awesome'. By this point, though, I was perpetually feeling depressed and had started smoking cigarettes and doing slightly poorer in classes. Not being allowed to date until I was married, as said my father (which I now know was said mostly in jest), I tried to push the idea of 'coming clean' about my feelings towards him aside. Only my diary knew the truth at this point.

 

More time passed, I had behavioral and emotional issues which were attributed to being a teen, but then I let marihuana and alcohol into my life. I became consumed. I dropped out midway through grade 11 and moved into my oblivious and careless/free mother's house, back in my old neighborhood. Things only got worse for me, but I was too young and dumb to make a good decision I guess. I didn't hear from or see the wonderful boy again...

 

...until last year when he randomly walked in for lunch at the restaurant I had been working at! I recognized him instantly, and he did too. Kismet, right? I'm not so sure. At this point I was still an emotional mess-dropped out of college twice, long-term marihuana abuse, series of toxic relationships (one of which I had just left a few months prior), poor relationship with my family, financial instability, the list goes on. Though I always knew he had a bright future ahead, I was surprised to hear he graduated from a top school a year early and was running his own business. I was shocked when he asked if I would go out with him. I said yes, and that I would find him on Facebook when my shift ended. I let out a squeal when I saw that he'd already requested and messaged me. We exchanged numbers and began talking on the phone and texting.

 

We scheduled a date, he picked the place (one of my favorite places in the area, coincidentally), I approved. Two days before said date he tells me he's come down with a cold, and asks if we can reschedule, because he "really really wants to hang out". Not too many days later we are again talking on the phone (for over an hour) and as he was going to be busy the next week, he asked to come share a beer or two at my place. My house/lifestyle is not that impressive but of course I'd said yes. I was, like usual at the time, high. We sat on the porch, drinking, talking. I really wish I wasn't inebriated! At the end of the night he grabbed me gently and kissed me. Let's just say I got way too into it, and was a 'hot mess'. I was drunk and high, and here my lifelong crush was kissing me. I touched his face and involved the tongue a bit too much I think but damn me, he was kissing me back! The best damn kisser my lips touched.

 

Less than a week passed and he showed up at my work, asking if I'd like to come to his house as he finished with work early that day. Again, squealing when he went to wait in his car. I talked obsessively to my coworkers and once my shift was done, we drove to his house. His roommate brought a friend over as well so we were all hanging out on the porch. I again, got a bit too drunk (I skipped lunch break at work), and made a fool of myself, talking about how mean the girls in school were...I even mentioned names. I said how I recently saw an old classmate and she looked 'cracked out'....very classless of me.

 

He drove me home and again kissed me. I went inside he drove away, texted me a few times (I texted him wayyy more) over the next few days. Then, basically nothing. My phone bill was overdue (addiction's a bitch), and I decided to just let it get disconnected to use that money elsewhere. Three months later I pay my overdraft and get it reconnected. I was far too down on myself to message/call him. He would've messages me on Facebook if he tried my phone and it didn't work, right? I logged back onto Facebook an it seemed some of his posts were allusions to things we talked about, in a harmless way. But I couldn't be sure and didn't want to embarrass myself further than I perceived I had, so I did nothing, said nothing. I deactivated my Facebook.

 

Fast forward to two months ago, I decided to quit marijuana, start exercising, and enroll in classes to work towards the degree I always wanted. I log back onto Facebook and see that he now has a girlfriend. I deactivate it again. I have been clean for a while (the longest I've ever gone) which I am very happy about. At the same time, however, I am sad and angry at myself for the unknown. I didn't tell him that I like him, that I have since I first laid my eyes on him. I'm upset that I was always too nervous or too much of a mess to say what I feel. I feel like I've missed every chance to know. I am aware things in life don't always work out the way people want it to, but I really really want to know if feelings were/are mutual.

 

I've thought of him, this wonderful guy for so long. I've dreamt and daydreamed of his beautiful ness, kindness, awesomeness. I kick myself for saying nothing. He's dating someone and it isn't me. It hurts.

 

What can I do? It would be inappropriate to say anything now that he's with somebody, but I can't forget him. I don't even want to try to forget about him., but what can I do?

 

(Thank you for reading, and for the thoughts/ideas you may share with me)

Edited February 3, 2015 by Bibi1798

[preraph]

Hate to start off lecturey, but you need to quit alcohol too because you said yourself you lose some control and get too trashed. I'm wondering why you didn't contact him before you had your stuff cut off and let him know that. I'm guessing it had already been a little while since you'd heard from him?

 

So he got another girlfriend. She probably won't be his last. I think you should quit drinking and smoking and stay clean for 3 months and then just drop him a line saying, "Hope you're doing well. I've had a bit of a life adjustment and kind of took a time out to stop drinking and smoking, but doing well now. Would love to see you sometime. I always liked you alot, from the time we were in grade school, you know!" Keeping it a bit light like that at the end, not making a big obsessive deal of it, but letting him know you think highly of him. He did like you, and can't be sure if he met the other girl who swept him away or if your overindulging did. Or both. But take steps to repair that before contacting him again.

 

And by the way, I have a guy I've admired for over 40 years who I've played it mostly cool with, because with him, he's had too many women all over him and is easily scared by the first sign of overinterest. After 40 years I did let him know I had some nice things to say about him in my journal, however, and he liked that just fine.

[Standard-Fare]

It was tough to read about the ways you blew it with this guy. And I'm sure it's tough for you to reflect on it.

 

I'm sure you realize he probably tried to contact you during the time your phone was disconnected, but gave up when he got no response. (And no, I don't think it's a safe assumption that he would try you on Facebook if he couldn't reach you via phone. I imagine he felt rejected and didn't want to keep pressing it.)

 

At the same time, it seems like you had a lot of messes in your life you needed to clean up during this period. You weren't capable of having a relationship with this guy or anyone else. Other stuff had to take priority.

 

It's great that you're working on self-improvement, but yes it's a shame that you probably missed your window with this guy. If he's in a relationship now, it's not your place to reach out to him in any sort of romantic way. But it seems like it might be worth contacting him at some point to apologize for your abrupt disappearance.

[Bibi1798]

Hate to start off lecturey, but you need to quit alcohol too because you said yourself you lose some control and get too trashed. I'm wondering why you didn't contact him before you had your stuff cut off and let him know that. I'm guessing it had already been a little while since you'd heard from him?

 

So he got another girlfriend. She probably won't be his last. I think you should quit drinking and smoking and stay clean for 3 months and then just drop him a line saying, "Hope you're doing well. I've had a bit of a life adjustment and kind of took a time out to stop drinking and smoking, but doing well now. Would love to see you sometime. I always liked you alot, from the time we were in grade school, you know!" Keeping it a bit light like that at the end, not making a big obsessive deal of it, but letting him know you think highly of him. He did like you, and can't be sure if he met the other girl who swept him away or if your overindulging did. Or both. But take steps to repair that before contacting him again.

 

And by the way, I have a guy I've admired for over 40 years who I've played it mostly cool with, because with him, he's had too many women all over him and is easily scared by the first sign of overinterest. After 40 years I did let him know I had some nice things to say about him in my journal, however, and he liked that just fine.

...40 years...? When I broke up with my first boyfriend at 19 (who was 25), he said people can love each other their entire lives and not be together, that he would always love me, I didn't believe it since I was not even in love with him. Your little story at the end shows me things can happen like that in weird ways. As selfish and callow as it may be to say, I don't want this to happen in my life.

I think you're right about my need to cut alcohol out of my life...I've noticed I act differently after even one drink. I would like to be completely sober....to be able to think more clearly, to just be me. True, I hadn't heard from him for a short while; though he said he was going to be busy, my paranoia and self esteem issues told me that must have been a lie, so I avoided him to spare myself any embarrassment and hurt. Those decisions I made were not good nor fair.

Three months will be like nothing compared to all these years, and it seems like a decent timeframe to get my life in better shape...and then I will log back in and message him...your suggestion of what to say sounds great. It may be egotistical to say, I hope she is not his last girlfriend.

[Bibi1798]

It was tough to read about the ways you blew it with this guy. And I'm sure it's tough for you to reflect on it.

 

I'm sure you realize he probably tried to contact you during the time your phone was disconnected, but gave up when he got no response. (And no, I don't think it's a safe assumption that he would try you on Facebook if he couldn't reach you via phone. I imagine he felt rejected and didn't want to keep pressing it.)

 

At the same time, it seems like you had a lot of messes in your life you needed to clean up during this period. You weren't capable of having a relationship with this guy or anyone else. Other stuff had to take priority.

 

It's great that you're working on self-improvement, but yes it's a shame that you probably missed your window with this guy. If he's in a relationship now, it's not your place to reach out to him in any sort of romantic way. But it seems like it might be worth contacting him at some point to apologize for your abrupt disappearance.

Well, you know what they say about assuming. If nothing else seems right, 'apologizing for my abrupt disappearance' should be enough to start a conversation. I kick myself for how I let things go down, doing unto him what I did to myself-bringing on feelings of rejection. I really hate that thought, that I may have hurt him. Though he has currently found someone to be with, I understand I cannot talk to him romantically just yet. Either I would come across as a careless home wrecker, or he would then want to be with me (there are probably more directions this could go); if I were to 'steal' somebody's man, the same man could then be 'stolen' from me.

 

Yes, I am definitely going to take some time to clean-up my act, figure things out. I intend, however, to reach out to him...by then, hopefully he is single again.

 

Though my soul cries out for a chance at this, with him (which I understand probably sounds crazy), I was in no place to seek out a romantic relationship. One way or the other, I need to move forward from these bottled up feelings I have- by unloading and finding if these feelings of mine are reciprocated...or...not.

[Satu]

I think you're right about my need to cut alcohol out of my life...I've noticed I act differently after even one drink. I would like to be completely sober....to be able to think more clearly, to just be me.

 

Your body can create all the feel good chemistry you need. Alcohol, smoking and drugs stop it doing that, because it has to spend all its time trying to metabolise and excrete the garbage.

 

Nothing beats the clarity and happiness that a healthy body and mind can bring.

 

Its better than anything.

 

You seem a great person by the way, and I wish you all the happiness that life can offer.

[Standard-Fare]

I personally don't think it's too soon for an apology now. The longer your silence continues (especially when he probably thinks you deliberately went cold on him), the less he gives a sh*t about you. An apology six months from now will be meaningless.

 

As for your other emotions for him, maybe you can allude to them without setting any expectations or asking anything of him. Tell him he's played a positive role in your life, you enjoyed spending time with him, and you're sorry you blew it. Tell him if there's ever a time when it makes sense for you two to reconnect in the future, you'll welcome that.

[preraph]

...40 years...? When I broke up with my first boyfriend at 19 (who was 25), he said people can love each other their entire lives and not be together, that he would always love me, I didn't believe it since I was not even in love with him. Your little story at the end shows me things can happen like that in weird ways. As selfish and callow as it may be to say, I don't want this to happen in my life.

I think you're right about my need to cut alcohol out of my life...I've noticed I act differently after even one drink. I would like to be completely sober....to be able to think more clearly, to just be me. True, I hadn't heard from him for a short while; though he said he was going to be busy, my paranoia and self esteem issues told me that must have been a lie, so I avoided him to spare myself any embarrassment and hurt. Those decisions I made were not good nor fair.

Three months will be like nothing compared to all these years, and it seems like a decent timeframe to get my life in better shape...and then I will log back in and message him...your suggestion of what to say sounds great. It may be egotistical to say, I hope she is not his last girlfriend.

 

Just spend this time getting yourself sorted out. You probably ought to join AA if you have any trouble quitting these things. But if you do, you won't be allowed to date for a year. I don't know how badly addicted you are, but since it changes your behavior in some kind of bad ways, best to address it and nip it now before trying to date. And then with you on an even keel, hopefully you will either reconnect with this man or some man will be drawn to you that will make you put the other on the back burner, as has happened to me numerous times! I think rather than apologizing now might be awkward, but that it just will look better if you give the space and time now and quit substances because that will be impressive, and that way it won't look like this focus was all on him, but that you are just taking care of yourself. You don't want him to think you're doing it just for him because that would be premature.

Edited February 4, 2015 by preraph

[Bibi1798]

I am a big idiot, big time. The other day I had a particularly emotional day. I thought, 'I don't need to listen to others, the answers are whatever it is I want to do'. Preraph, I should have listened to you. Instead I messaged him. I regretted it the moment I clicked send. I then started my period the next morning and realized 'oh, that's why I was so sad'. I'm a tool. And the worst part is...I don't even have any friends I can talk to about this **** as with my last boyfriend, I cut off contact with them. Boy oh boy. And no, he didn't respond. I hope he deleted, actually.

[preraph]

Oh, I'm so sorry. Well, time to go apologize to your friends you abandoned because you had a bf. Don't do that! They will be there after all the men are gone as long as you make an effort to keep up with them at least some while you're dating. Keep negative things you tell them to a minimum while with the bf (unless you really are in trouble and need someone's help) so that you don't then feel embarrassed contacting them once you stayed with the guy despite whatever bad thing he did.

 

Again, control your substance problem and then you'll have better luck controlling the rest of your life. If you have a big problem with your periods and moodiness, wouldn't hurt to see a hormone specialist or a bio-identical hormone place to just see if your levels are where they ought to be!