boznich Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) Greetings, So my story goes like this. I met my ex back in August last year, started out as fbuddies then got serious. She first broke up with me, in January (Was going through drug problems at the time) - But it ended up with me going to the hospital and her coming there at 430am. Following that we got back together with the pretense i would get clean. This worked for a few weeks before i slipped back into drugs (weed) and it culminated in breaking up in March. I believe we were both still in love, but my circumstances dictated that we couldn't be involved, and so we maintained contact on/off, while i went on a downward spiral that culminated in me hitting bottom on June 7th, and starting a new clean phase on the 8th. We were still in contact on/off after that, and around July she asked to meet up at her place. As things go, we got back together mid July, and had been dating up until the 2 days ago. During that time we practically lived at each others houses, I started studying, was looking for a part time job and we talked about getting a place and moving in together. Coming into New Years, everything was well, however i was still looking for a job (I get money through social security) but we had a place to stay for free for a month. This ended at the end of January, and as there's renovations going on at mine i was going to stay at hers until this Tuesday (today). However, on Saturday, she broke down a bit, told me she was feeling horrible about us, and when i pressed her, she told me that she thinks she's angry at me, that she was so excited about moving out for so long but she just got fed up. She says she lost the spark, and though she loves me there's no spark and she doesn't think it'll come back. We talked for a bit, and tentatively agreed that we would try and work it out. However on the Sunday, i saw she was using Tinder and talking to guys, which set off red flags for me. I talked to her, and she admitted she didn't want to have sex with me (was at most a few days since we had), that she's been cold towards me etc. I have enough experience to know that what she says for why she wanted to breakup, is probably not the true reason. I also realised that she couldn’t really break up, I had to be the one to make the decision. In response, i asked if she loved me, she said she did and she really wanted it to work but she doesn't feel the spark. I agreed, told her i'd go back home , said for her to tell me when she's sure about what she wants, not to do anything rash and left it at that. I didn't cry, and i feel i handled the breakup quite well. She cried a lot, kept tearing up and looking quite distraught throughout. Note: I sent her a text within a few hours just telling her to thank her mum for me as I didn’t have the opportunity. I’m currently in the middle of exams (started yesterday), and so this morning she sent me a text saying “hey xxx, hope your exams are going well, good luck for the rest of them xo”. I didn’t reply (NC), and that’s when I started reading online. Now four hours after I didn’t reply, she changed her profile picture on facebook (it was of me and her), and hid the relationship status (didn’t change it). Upon seeing that I unfollowed her on facebook. Basically, my question and situation is this: I feel like I want to move on from this, rationally I know that I wasn’t giving 100% in the relationship for the last couple months (I stuck in the comfort of the relationship), and subconsciously I wonder about why I didn’t do anything about moving in with her (I suspect I didn’t want to commit that much). Note: I’m still clean since June the 8th so almost 8 months now. In reality it left me totally blindsided, I hadn’t expected it in any way shape or form until she broke down on the Saturday. Advice would be appreciated in regards to a few things. Is her changing her facebook now, to get me to think that she’s over it and bait a reply to her text? (after seeing it I had a great urge to text, which of course, I haven’t) Is it GIGS? Should I maintain NC? (Of course I should) Anyone with experience in similar experiences can share knowledge. Much appreciated. Edited February 3, 2015 by boznich
fromheart Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Well done for kicking the weed. Keep it up. Here's the game plan. Tell her you want her as a lover and nothing else. You're not interested in friendship. I recently tried being open to contact from my ex of one month (GF of 2 years). She'd send me friendly messages, I'd reply. Very quickly, I became aware of the fact that there's only one thing I want to hear from her, and I'm settling for less. That she wants me back, and is willing to make it work. Anything else is BS. I'm closing myself off to new experiences in life with new people, and I'm becoming a doormat in a way. She knows how I feel, and is friend zoning me. Its one sided power play, with her in control. This morning I wrote to her words in the effect of, 'lovers or nothing, can't be just friends.' I might never hear from her again. But it gives me back some power, control and dignity in my own life. It means I'm standing up for myself and telling life that I am worthy of what I want. She'll also respect me for standing up to her and not settling for less, she'll actually trust me more even if she doesn't contact me again. So, to answer your question based on my recent experiences you are doing the right thing. There is some hope there for you and her, but ONLY if you take care of yourself for yourself, not to get her back. Lack of trust in your direction in life, might have been a reason why she left. I don't know what she's feeling but this does happen. By calmly stating to her what you want and what you wont settle for, you'll actually rebuild that trust. But you must continue to do it for her, and then walk on without looking back. This is the most painful thing for the dumpee to do, and feels contradictory to what their instinct is saying. But it is absolutely the best option on all levels. Self work and NC. Very 'nice' of her to wish you well. But its not what you want to hear. Like me, you want that phone to go off with her voice saying, 'I love you and want you back.' Don't settle for less. 1
Author boznich Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Well done for kicking the weed. Keep it up. Here's the game plan. Tell her you want her as a lover and nothing else. You're not interested in friendship. I recently tried being open to contact from my ex of one month (GF of 2 years). She'd send me friendly messages, I'd reply. Very quickly, I became aware of the fact that there's only one thing I want to hear from her, and I'm settling for less. That she wants me back, and is willing to make it work. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of NC though? I mean my situation is that rationally i don't want her back. I want to be single, and i want to get back into 'pua' and play the field single for a while. I want to move out with a friend. Won't telling her i want her as a lover just bring me back to the same rut i was in with my life (assuming she bites, which i doubt she will) - and give her the validation she is looking for by feeding me crumbs? This morning I wrote to her words in the effect of, 'lovers or nothing, can't be just friends.' I might never hear from her again. But it gives me back some power, control and dignity in my own life. It means I'm standing up for myself and telling life that I am worthy of what I want. She'll also respect me for standing up to her and not settling for less, she'll actually trust me more even if she doesn't contact me again. Does it even really give you back power though? Doesn't it just give the power to her, looking at it from a power-play perspective, you just admitted you want her back and she never said the same? So, to answer your question based on my recent experiences you are doing the right thing. There is some hope there for you and her, but ONLY if you take care of yourself for yourself, not to get her back. Lack of trust in your direction in life, might have been a reason why she left. I don't know what she's feeling but this does happen. By calmly stating to her what you want and what you wont settle for, you'll actually rebuild that trust. But you must continue to do it for her, and then walk on without looking back. This is the most painful thing for the dumpee to do, and feels contradictory to what their instinct is saying. But it is absolutely the best option on all levels. Self work and NC. So again, isn't the best option, to just show her what she's missing in a month, two months, three months etc. Isn't the best option to drop her, and be significantly more successful in a couple months so that she realises she made the wrong choice?
Cali408 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Congrats on your sobriety. You rationally don't want her back. Logic > emotion. Second, she's on Tinder! Don't even think twice, move on 1
Author boznich Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Anyone else that can give an opinion?
mightycpa Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Anyone else that can give an opinion? Send her a text, and ask her if you can say goodbye in person. Say whatever it is you have to say, even to the point of humiliation. It's always nice to say goodbye and get that out of your system. If you never see her again, who cares what she thinks about it? Then close the books and move on.
Author boznich Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Send her a text, and ask her if you can say goodbye in person. Say whatever it is you have to say, even to the point of humiliation. It's always nice to say goodbye and get that out of your system. If you never see her again, who cares what she thinks about it? Then close the books and move on. Already virtually said goodbye during the breakup. I mean, i ended it with a i'll see you soon and a wink, but that's beside the point. I'll only text or call her if i can see a purpose to it. Anything that will give her more power over me, i will refuse to do at all costs. I was thinking of sending her a reply to the text she sent me, something along the lines of: "Thanks! Going well :)" But i just can't see what purpose it will serve? I mean the possible results of this i see are: 1 - She starts texting more and more, but doesn't make any efforts at reconciliation. 2 - She doesn't reply, and i feel bad for ever replying. 3 - She texts me back something like i miss you, which makes it a lose lose situation for me. If i don't text back i'm a jerk, if i do i'm just giving her power.
EgoJoe Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 (edited) Moving on and keeping your thoughts to yourself is the ultimate expression of power. Externalize your thoughts in a journal or a painting. She's gone; act accordingly. Delete her on Facebook, block her too, it's time to aggressively move on. You have exams and she pulls this so she clearly doesn't care. Block, delete and move on. Edited February 5, 2015 by EgoJoe
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