Losing Control

[atcq420]

Still...what if she a thing going with a nephew of yours??

 

And really, your answer does not matter, as she has a right to her own response and feelings about what you did. So even if you say you would forgive her, it does not alter the fact that she still gets to choose her own response. You made a very poor choice...and may end up paying the ultimate price.

 

Yup, you're totally right. I guess I would consider any and all reasons as to why she would do what she did. Depression/Anxiety/Stress/Addictive Personality/Low Self Esteem/Validation Issues etc, and at least consider that these issues could have led to her behavior. But its hard for me to REALLY know thats what I would do because I'm not in her shoes.

[WonderWoman911]

What is OP?

 

Original Poster

[atcq420]

What can I do to make the process easier for her?

[trippi1432]

Yup, you're totally right. I guess I would consider any and all reasons as to why she would do what she did. Depression/Anxiety/Stress/Addictive Personality/Low Self Esteem/Validation Issues etc, and at least consider that these issues could have led to her behavior. But its hard for me to REALLY know thats what I would do because I'm not in her shoes.

 

You seek to be understood....but yes, you are not in her shoes.

 

If you truly do see those as your issues, how do you resolve them?

[trippi1432]

What can I do to make the process easier for her?

 

You can't...you let her resolve herself. And if divorce is her choice, you live with that choice. You resolve yourself .....that is your wife's sister's child. Even when you are 60 and they are 56, they are still your niece.

[atcq420]

You seek to be understood....but yes, you are not in her shoes.

 

If you truly do see those as your issues, how do you resolve them?

 

Well, I've been researching and researching. I've had health issues for going on 7 years now. Blood work says I'm healthy, but I've had gastrointestinal issues, developed food intolerances, dizziness, anxiety etc. My chiropractor confirmed through blood tests that I do have gut dysbiosis which means that the flora in my gut is messed up because of antibiotics, stress, lifestyle etc. I just started working with a holistic nutritionist that says that dysbiosis can wreak havoc on the body. 85% of the immune system lives in the gut and the gut is where serotonin and dopamine are created. A messed up gut can lead to depression, anxiety etc. So what am I doing to fix that? Seeing professionals and commiting myself to becoming a better person physically, mentally and spiritually.

 

I'm also seeing a therapist to iron out my covert childhood traumas to explain some of my behavior and I'm doing neurofeedback with my Chiropractor to help rewire my brain.

 

I swear I've been an amazing husband that has given her everything for almost 10 years. I put her before me....until I made the worst decision of my life that is.

[LoveMyCat]

What can I do to make the process easier for her?

 

Does she want you gone? Out of her sight for a while? Maybe ask her what, if anything, you can do that would make things easier for her right now.

[atcq420]

Does she want you gone? Out of her sight for a while? Maybe ask her what, if anything, you can do that would make things easier for her right now.

 

We have a big house. I've moved all my stuff into the basement/guest room so I stay out of her sight as much as possible. I read that if one person moves out, the likeliness of reconciling becomes less and less so I've been hesitant to move out. But why hasn't she left? And why does it seem like she's dragging her feet with the paper work from the lawyers?

[atcq420]

Does she want you gone? Out of her sight for a while? Maybe ask her what, if anything, you can do that would make things easier for her right now.

 

And no, she has not told me to my face or through email or text that she wants me to leave.

[trippi1432]

I swear I've been an amazing husband that has given her everything for almost 10 years. I put her before me....until I made the worst decision of my life that is.

 

My exH only had Fibromyalgia which explained his psoriasis and why he had issues. In what way would the above that you stated make you worthwhile?

[atcq420]

Are you saying that all my issues make me not worthwhile? Or the fact that I had poor judgement for a period of 6 weeks?

[atcq420]

My exH only had Fibromyalgia which explained his psoriasis and why he had issues. In what way would the above that you stated make you worthwhile?

 

Sorry, I'm literally confused by your question

[atcq420]

I'm worthwhile because I've shown her for 10 years that I'm hard working, understanding, compassionate and because I did everything for her. I was rock bottom with my anxiety and depression when I did what I did. I'm worthwhile because I'm man enough to admit my faults and work on bettering myself.

[Ralph79]

And why does it seem like she's dragging her feet with the paper work from the lawyers?

 

I don't understand this statement then

 

She ran off and filed divorce papers within 48 hours.

 

How is that dragging her feet?. She filed. There's nothing more she can do right this moment.

 

 

Also , in regards to her considering thinking about reconciling..

 

And no, she has not told me to my face or through email or text that she wants me to leave.

 

But she did file for divorce. Don't lose sight of that.

 

 

Now back to your issues:

 

I swear I've been an amazing husband that has given her everything for almost 10 years. I put her before me....until I made the worst decision of my life that is.

 

However, you've openly admitted to recurring to gambling and porn to deal with stress. How good of a husband have you really been? "The niece thing" was just the issue that made her snap and file for divorce. Maybe you've been less than stellar and you don't even know it. Because all the issues you described led you down this path. Unfortunately you chose the easy route.

 

All the documented biological chemical reactions, the medical diagnostics, and the psychological analysis you produce can't overlap the fact that you've chosen to address them poorly and only now that the _ _ _ _ has hit the proverbial fan did you start to worry about addressing them properly.

 

If you had taken this approach from the start things would've have been different. The fact that you NOW are seeking therapy and stuff means you should have been able to do so in the past but didn't. I'd bet it hasn't been just 6 weeks. It's been longer , but you've only been aware of how destructive it has been for everyone around you since those 6 weeks.

[trippi1432]

Are you saying that all my issues make me not worthwhile? Or the fact that I had poor judgement for a period of 6 weeks?

 

Poor judgment....your issues are yours, not hers.

 

Sorry, I'm literally confused by your question

 

I'm worthwhile because I've shown her for 10 years that I'm hard working, understanding, compassionate and because I did everything for her. I was rock bottom with my anxiety and depression when I did what I did. I'm worthwhile because I'm man enough to admit my faults and work on bettering myself.

 

If this may help you some....how did you hit rock bottom when you were being a great husband?

[atcq420]

I guess I put my issues on hold to make sure that I can be a provider and maintain our lifestyle. I have been working with my chiropractor for 4 years now, just recently started the neurofeedback. I did see a therapist last year but she wasn't very helpful and told me my anxiety was due to me being introverted. I started seeing the new therapist while I was having the affair because I knew I needed help. I've also been working with the best adrenal fatigue doctor in the world on my fatigue issues. I have been doing my best to get better, seriously, way before any of this happened.

 

She filed for divorce the first week of Jan. My lawyers have not heard from her lawyers in 2 weeks. She has been putting off completing the next round of paperwork.

[atcq420]

Poor judgment....your issues are yours, not hers.

 

 

 

 

 

If this may help you some....how did you hit rock bottom when you were being a great husband?

 

I hit rock bottom with my health. I had a nervous breakdown/adrenal crash in the spring. Trying to juggle the business, renovate/finish the basement, add a garden to our massive yard. I burned myself out and my body literally collapsed. It took me 3 months to regain my energy. I was depressed and anxious and felt like I couldn't give her what she needed. Like I wasn't good enough. Thats what I mean by hitting rock bottom. I felt like a piece of *****, like I wasn't good enough because I couldn't do it all.

[Ralph79]

I'm worthwhile because I've shown her for 10 years that I'm hard working, understanding, compassionate and because I did everything for her. I was rock bottom with my anxiety and depression when I did what I did. I'm worthwhile because I'm man enough to admit my faults and work on bettering myself.

 

It might help us to understand you better if we knew what you think the measure of a good husband is.

 

Being Hard Working speaks well of your work ethic and you would be a good provider but there's more to being a Husband than just that.

 

You've shown understanding... how? What do you mean by understanding? I'm sorry if I have assumed a lot of things on your posts, but I'm picking stuff up as you keep opening up and clarifying but you've never once mentioned what your wife has to deal with or her troubles. You've pretty much make it seem as if the only one who has all types of issues is you and everyone else is supposed to cut you some slack because of that. Can you give us some examples of how you're understanding towards your wife?

 

Same goes for compassionate. Why would you say that? Exclude the past 6 weeks obviously.

 

And lastly, the fact that you've done everything for her. Are you sure? A lot of people who are work-oriented tend to place that "burden" on their spouses or children: "everything I've done, has been for you". When in fact our own personal success has driven us to keep going and it has nothing to do with our partner, yet we lay this on them for extra leverage. Sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously.

[beach]

Are you saying that all my issues make me not worthwhile? Or the fact that I had poor judgement for a period of 6 weeks?

 

Your poor judgment/decision ruined it. You're not the man she thought she married.

 

No matter what - you may not be able to redeem yourself - if that's the case then give her the divorce so she can find a man who won't break her trust.

[Mr. Lucky]

I hit rock bottom with my health. I had a nervous breakdown/adrenal crash in the spring. Trying to juggle the business, renovate/finish the basement, add a garden to our massive yard. I burned myself out and my body literally collapsed. It took me 3 months to regain my energy. I was depressed and anxious and felt like I couldn't give her what she needed. Like I wasn't good enough. Thats what I mean by hitting rock bottom. I felt like a piece of *****, like I wasn't good enough because I couldn't do it all.

 

Every thing you post is about WHY you did it. Your wife is dealing with WHAT you did. Big difference.

 

Let's say a drunk driver crashed into and killed your wife. Would you care why they drank? Would you give them allowances for the child or life traumas that drove them to be an alcoholic? My guess is you'd simply be focused on - and devastated by - the outcome.

 

And that's what your wife is dealing with now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ralph79]

Every thing you post is about WHY you did it. Your wife is dealing with WHAT you did. Big difference.

 

Let's say a drunk driver crashed into and killed your wife. Would you care why they drank? Would you give them allowances for the child or life traumas that drove them to be an alcoholic? My guess is you'd simply be focused on - and devastated by - the outcome.

 

And that's what your wife is dealing with now...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Wow. You have managed to sum up every repliers feelings with your post. Great analogy. Awsome post.

[No Limit]

Ok, look. You entered an affair - doesn't matter that it was mainly emotional, physical only 2 kisses - so you have no control of the outcome AT ALL. You're actually quite lucky your wife isn't the devilish type to kick you out of the house and fight you for every single thing of value that you two own (although I can't say what she's planning of course; every smart lawyer will advise her to stay at home and play nice room mate so she'll look better in court).

 

If you're getting impatient why you working on yourself isn't rewarding, well, then you should have picked a woman who was more dependant on you or could be gas-lighted (on the other hand, chances are your wife thinks you're gas lighting her right now; what was merely an emotional affair for you is a year-long massive betrayal in her mind). The only thing that might help you would be offering to do a polygraph.

 

 

And in case your wife is really in the process of detaching - don't cheat on your next partner. Good luck.

Edited February 3, 2015 by No Limit

[oldshirt]

It is good that you arre getting into therapy and addressing your issues and it is good that you are being cooperative and compassionate with your wife. It's also good that you are at least making an attempt to take accountability for your actions and good that you are trying to make yourself into a better person.

 

None of that obligates your wife to stay with you and be committed to you while you take your self improvement journey however.

 

The pain and damaged you caused has already occurred and her loss of love, affection, respect etc etc for you may be unreconcilable for her. That is the risk you take when you have an affair.

 

It may be possible that over time if she sees these improvements taking place and becoming permanent, she may change her mind and opt to come back once you are already fixed. She might. But then again she may move on and not look back.

 

...and like I said, she is not obligated to stay with you and put her life on hold while you make these changes.

 

Infidelity is often a deal breaker and even the Catholic Church itself will bless a divorce in cases of infidelity and I am sure they would even put in a rush order on it with it being a relative.

 

Your plans for self improvement are admirable. I hope you succeed. Perhaps once you are the man you hope to be, you may also be a man that she would want. But at the moment you have committed adultery and incest. She has no obligation no nor reason to accept that.