ITman Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Where do I begin? A year or two ago my wife and I started talking about making a move to the country. We wanted to get away from the rat race in suburbia. We have done few things to fix up the house in case we were going to sell it. Over the Thanksgiving holiday in 2013 we drove around looked at a few places around her home town but it was just driving around and dreaming. She is from a small town in the country. Also she is very close to her mother and we lived a considerable distance from her family. My wife is a devout Christian as is her mother. I want to move to the country but not in the same area as her mother. Her mother is very manipulative and she talks to her mom about everything. I did not feel our relationship would survive if her mom was around all the time. So last June after the kids got out of school she took them down to visit her parents. She had an illness in her family and decided to stay a while to help out. After about three weeks she came back and she said with her mothers help they had registered our children in school in her home town. I was totally blown away by this... She had been wanting to get back to her family for a many years now but this was surprising to say the least. Prior to her visit she had told me that she had quit her job that she held for several years. At this point I was not sure what to think. My job has kept me very busy while this was going on. I expressed to her that it was not the time as neither of us had employment there. She ignored my concerns and went back down to her visit her family to help out again. Over the summer she completely moved out of our house and in with her mother. She has both of our teenage children with her. So now I am alone in the house we raised our kids in and she is now living in another family members home that is recently deceased (the illness i spoke of earlier). Now my children are attending school in her home town. She has finally gotten a job and I rarely hear from my wife except when she needs money or to tell me about some event. I speak to my kids once a week. I feel like everything I have built over the past 18 years is destroyed. My Wife and I were not getting along very well over the past few years. There was never any violence but we argued and I did yell at her. Yelling was part of my Italian upbringing and I do try to control the tone of my voice but sometime the situation was too much. The arguments usually revolved around money or her mother. Another recent issue is that I have been given termination papers at work as my company is going thru a takeover. I have a few more months of work and I am looking for a new job. I am very angry at my wife for leaving me and taking my children and family life away. Now that I am not tied to my job of 20 years I have the entire country to look for employment in. I don't want to be tied to a small area of a state I really don't want to live in. Any help with this situation would be appreciated. I do still love my wife but have fallen out of love (romantic) with her over this situation.
LoveMyCat Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Where do I begin? A year or two ago my wife and I started talking about making a move to the country. We wanted to get away from the rat race in suburbia. We have done few things to fix up the house in case we were going to sell it. Over the Thanksgiving holiday in 2013 we drove around looked at a few places around her home town but it was just driving around and dreaming. She is from a small town in the country. Also she is very close to her mother and we lived a considerable distance from her family. My wife is a devout Christian as is her mother. I want to move to the country but not in the same area as her mother. Her mother is very manipulative and she talks to her mom about everything. I did not feel our relationship would survive if her mom was around all the time. So last June after the kids got out of school she took them down to visit her parents. She had an illness in her family and decided to stay a while to help out. After about three weeks she came back and she said with her mothers help they had registered our children in school in her home town. I was totally blown away by this... She had been wanting to get back to her family for a many years now but this was surprising to say the least. Prior to her visit she had told me that she had quit her job that she held for several years. At this point I was not sure what to think. My job has kept me very busy while this was going on. I expressed to her that it was not the time as neither of us had employment there. She ignored my concerns and went back down to her visit her family to help out again. Over the summer she completely moved out of our house and in with her mother. She has both of our teenage children with her. So now I am alone in the house we raised our kids in and she is now living in another family members home that is recently deceased (the illness i spoke of earlier). Now my children are attending school in her home town. She has finally gotten a job and I rarely hear from my wife except when she needs money or to tell me about some event. I speak to my kids once a week. I feel like everything I have built over the past 18 years is destroyed. My Wife and I were not getting along very well over the past few years. There was never any violence but we argued and I did yell at her. Yelling was part of my Italian upbringing and I do try to control the tone of my voice but sometime the situation was too much. The arguments usually revolved around money or her mother. Another recent issue is that I have been given termination papers at work as my company is going thru a takeover. I have a few more months of work and I am looking for a new job. I am very angry at my wife for leaving me and taking my children and family life away. Now that I am not tied to my job of 20 years I have the entire country to look for employment in. I don't want to be tied to a small area of a state I really don't want to live in. Any help with this situation would be appreciated. I do still love my wife but have fallen out of love (romantic) with her over this situation. If she makes such major decisions like quitting jobs and moving away without your input, sounds like she is acting like a single parent already. Without some counseling, it does not sound good for your marriage, and it does not sound like she would be interested in going. She has what she wants already. Moving far away would be a mistake, unless you have no choice, due to access to your kids. You should ideally be close enough for weekend visits, a few hours drive, if possible. I would speak with a lawyer, either a free consultation or an initial meeting to talk about your options. But short of moving into the house she is in with your kids, near mother-in-law...ending the marriage or at least a legal separation seems unavoidable. Good luck...
Mr. Lucky Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 After about three weeks she came back and she said with her mothers help they had registered our children in school in her home town. I was totally blown away by this... She had been wanting to get back to her family for a many years now but this was surprising to say the least. Awful lot missing here, I don't see the words "separation" or "divorce" anywhere in your post. What do you consider the status of your marriage to be? Have you discussed its eventual outcome with your wife? You seem strangely accepting of the limbo-like state you've been in for the last year - were it I, would have lawyered up to establish custody and assets as soon as she took the kids and abandoned you... Mr. Lucky 1
Author ITman Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Awful lot missing here, I don't see the words "separation" or "divorce" anywhere in your post. What do you consider the status of your marriage to be? Have you discussed its eventual outcome with your wife? You seem strangely accepting of the limbo-like state you've been in for the last year - were it I, would have lawyered up to establish custody and assets as soon as she took the kids and abandoned you... Mr. Lucky Mr. Lucky Legal or not I consider us to be separated at this point. I am trying to decide whether or not to divorce her over this. It was our intention to get out of the rat race and start a life in the country. I was very specific that if we moved to her home state we needed to be at least an hour from her mother. She could not understand my concerns over her mother. As for her leaving I originally felt that she was heartbroken over the impending loss of a loved one. I gave her the space she needed to deal with that loss. I suppose I felt she eventually would come back to me. I was gravely mistaken about that. As the previous post suggests she has what she wanted and my concerns or input is irrelevant. Also I come from a broken home and my parents divorce was violent and damaging to my siblings. I suppose this could be the reason I have tolerant of the limbo. I appreciate your input regarding this situation.
Author ITman Posted February 4, 2015 Author Posted February 4, 2015 If she makes such major decisions like quitting jobs and moving away without your input, sounds like she is acting like a single parent already. Without some counseling, it does not sound good for your marriage, and it does not sound like she would be interested in going. She has what she wants already. Moving far away would be a mistake, unless you have no choice, due to access to your kids. You should ideally be close enough for weekend visits, a few hours drive, if possible. I would speak with a lawyer, either a free consultation or an initial meeting to talk about your options. But short of moving into the house she is in with your kids, near mother-in-law...ending the marriage or at least a legal separation seems unavoidable. Good luck... LMC I agree with your observations about her actions. I suppose I needed to hear it form some one not involved. I did not believe we had that serious of a problem. Her obsession with getting back home to her family was something I do not really understand. I am not that close to my family as we all have spread out across the country. Her relationship with her mother is very close and I have come second to that relationship for many years. I accepted it because she was a considerable distance away and the visits were not that frequent. It is not that I don't like my MIL but I can only take her in small doses. She can be very close minded and manipulative. My children have told me that my wife talks with her mom daily and since she is close by she stops in all the time. As an added mention I have had several very awkward visits to see my children over the holidays. I did not feel comfortable the whole time. I appreciate your insight into my situation. Thank you
Mr. Lucky Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Mr. Lucky Legal or not I consider us to be separated at this point. I am trying to decide whether or not to divorce her over this. She seems to have already decided. You have to start thinking about what's best for your kids and you. Like it or not, she seems to care very little about you or your marriage to her (funny how "devout Christians" are capable of some of the most Unchristian-like things). Taking the first legal steps doesn't mean you're divorcing her, those actions simply protect your access to your children and let you plan for the short-term future. She's obviously going to do what she feels is best for her. You might follow her example... Mr. luck
Art_Critic Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Time to move in with her.. ... that will tell you exactly what is on her mind
Recommended Posts